


Going Boldly

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Accidental Bonding, Angst, Bonding, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Mind Rape, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content, Slash, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-20
Updated: 2014-06-01
Packaged: 2017-12-25 01:03:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 60
Words: 114,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/946800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The adventures and developing relationship of Kirk and Spock one year into their five year mission and beyond</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. First Year Anniversary

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Going Boldly/勇敢前行](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9655676) by [whatatuesday](https://archiveofourown.org/users/whatatuesday/pseuds/whatatuesday)



 

It was hard to believe a year had already passed since they’d started their five year mission. It seemed like yesterday to Jim Kirk…Captain James T. Kirk, actually. But as he sat in the recreation room surrounded by his bridge crew, friends all of them really, celebrating the end of the first year, he was struck by a sense of nostalgia for those first few months.

It was all exciting then. A sense of the unknown. Discovering new worlds. Finding out the quirks of his crew. It all seemed familiar now. A good familiar, but familiar nonetheless.

Back before he’d joined Starfleet, Jim had never been in love. He’d had relationships that lasted longer than a few nights or even a few weeks, but love? No, he had not felt that. 

 And then he met half-human, half-Vulcan, Spock. Commander Spock. Mostly Vulcan, Jim thought. Hell, didn't it figure he would fall in love with some super strong alien that wanted to choke the life out of him.

Jim hadn't wanted to fall in love. Love sucked as far as he could tell. It was nothing but heartache and jealousy and more heartache. And he’d thought all that _before_ he’d fallen for Spock. And then he’d gone and fallen in love and not just normal love, whatever that was, but the big whammy worst love of all…unrequited love. Because…yep, Spock did not love him. Never had, never would

It was like the universe thought it was a colossal joke to fuck with Jim Kirk. No, really. _This_ Jim Kirk in _this_ universe, of course. Not the original Jim Kirk, as Jim liked to think of the _other_ Jim. The famous one from Ambassador Spock’s time.

Started when Jim was born while his father was being killed by a crazed Romulan. Then his mother married an asshole and left Jim with him. An abusive asshole. So yeah, maybe taking his classic car and driving it off a cliff was part of some sort of death wish. The universe next fucked with him by sending him to Tarsus IV when he was thirteen. Thousands of people, including people Jim cared about, were murdered during a famine. He’d barely escaped with his life and ended up with oh a million food allergies. Spent the next years in and out of juvenile lockups. Abused, battered.

Finally, at one of his lowest points, after having the shit kicked out of him by a bunch of dumb as dirt bully space cadets, he’d met Christopher Pike. He’d been convinced to join the Starfleet Academy where his ingenuity had not been appreciated and he’d been brought up on charges of cheating before the entire academic class. How fucking embarrassing _was_ that? And of course brought up on charges by Spock. What a way to meet. Naturally, because Spock met Jim, the universe decided to fuck with Spock too and the same crazy fucking Romulan who killed Jim’s father, destroyed Spock’s home planet and caused the death of Spock’s mother. No wonder Spock didn't love him. He’d gotten the same fucked up luck because he met Jim. Oh, and of course there was being marooned on an ice planet with Jim Kirk-eating hungry monsters. Then the near-strangulation.

But alas the universe wasn't done fucking with Jim. Next it took Pike from him, turned Jim into a pawn for a war mongering lunatic admiral, and made it so he had to die to show he was a decent captain. At least the universe had given him Leonard McCoy who brought his ass back to life.

“You haven’t touched your drink, Jim,” Bones said, nudging his shoulder as they all talked and laughed around the table in the rec room. “What the hell has you thinking so deeply?”

“How far I've come, I guess,” he said. Which wasn't far at all really. He’d tried to get over being in love with Spock. But the damn Vulcan made it impossible. He closed his hand around his drink. “What is this?”

“Bourbon, of course,” Bones told him. “Scotty wanted to give you scotch and Chekov wanted to give you vodka, but I overruled them both. Drink it up, Jimmy, you earned it.”

Bones was the only person he would allow to call him Jimmy. Okay there was Gary Mitchell a million years ago but he barely remembered that…him.

He threw back the glass of bourbon and gulped it down in one swallow letting it burn his throat. Besides him, Lt. Commander Leonard “Bones” McCoy, Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott, and Ensign Pavel Chekov, also at the gathering was Lieutenant Hikaru Sulu, Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, and Commander Spock. The last two were seated at the far end of the table next to each other. Jim’s heart constricted.

“I need another one of those,” he told Bones. “Make it a double.”

Bones followed his gaze, and then poured the drink. “You know what you need?”

“An extended shore leave with multiple sexual acts of the wicked kind?” Jim waggled his eyebrows.

Bones laughed. “Yes, exactly. When’s our next shore leave, Jim? We haven’t had a break for even a day for six months. We’re all getting punchy.”

“I put in a request two weeks ago. Haven’t gotten an answer.”

“Starfleet bastards.” Bones watched Jim take another swallow. “If they approve it, Jim, I want you to take it.”

“Bones.”

“As your friend, yeah, but also as your doctor. You’re stressed. Your levels are all over the place, Jim. You’re not eating again.”

“I’m eating enough.” He finished the drink. “I’m allergic to anything that tastes halfway decent. Not that anything the replicator produces does.”

“No one can survive on apples.”

“I like apples.” He tried not to look down to the end of the table but he couldn't help himself. Uhura was leaning close to Spock whispering. Jim clenched his jaw. “Another one, Bones.”

“Jim, I don’t think—”

“Aren't you the one who encouraged me to drink?”

“Well, now I’m _discouraging_ it. Getting shit-faced isn't going to change anything, Jimmy.”

“I know. Just-just one more, all right? And then I’m going to bed.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “I’m such a sucker for those baby blue eyes of yours.” He poured from the bottle. “You got a hangover on the bridge later don’t come crying to me.”

“Who else can I come crying to, Bones?”

He grimaced. “Yeah, you got a point.”

Jim smiled. “At least you love me, huh?”

“Yeah, yeah. Drink up.”

He drained the drink. “Okay, I’m going. Do I need to make any sort of speech? Please tell me I don’t. I suck at those.”

“Nah. Go on and go, I’ll tell everyone you had a message from the Federation.”

Jim patted his shoulder. “You’re the best. Thanks.”

He got up from the table, proud he didn't sway on his feet. Scotty and Chekov looked at him in surprise.

“Keptin? Leaving already?”

“Federation message,” he told the young ensign. “Have a good rest of the evening.”

Jim would have to pass by Spock and Uhura, he knew that. He only hoped they wouldn't be kissing. Then he’d really want to fucking throw up. If he kept his gaze on the door he might not even have to look at them. And hopefully they’d be so into each other, they wouldn't notice him slinking past them.

He’d almost made it to the door when a too familiar voice stopped him. “Captain?”

Maybe he could ignore Spock. Pretend he hadn't heard him. Just keep walking out of the room and to the turbolift. But Spock would probably follow him.

Sighing, Kirk turned around to face his first officer. “What, Spock?”

Spock stared at Jim, his dark eyes intense. “Are you well? You are leaving the celebration you instigated.”

Uhura had stayed at the table at least, so he only had to face Spock, who had, predictably, followed him to the door.

“Federation message. Taking it in my quarters,” he explained, hoping Spock wouldn't question it.

“A new mission?” Spock asked, with one eyebrow raised.

“Most likely.” Jim patted his arm. “Don’t worry about it. Stay here and enjoy yourself with Uhura. I’ll update you later.”

Spock stared at him for so long, Jim wondered if he planned on accompanying him to hear the message. But finally he angled his head to the left and nodded.

“As you wish, Captain. Good evening.”

“Good evening, Mr. Spock.”

Jim left the rec room and made his way to the turbolift, acknowledging crew members who called out to him as he went.

Once he reached the relative safety of the turbolift, Jim leaned against the wall as it made its way to deck seven where his quarters were. He could do this. He didn't know why after all this time of dealing with this unrequited shit it was bugging him so much.

Lately, it had gotten worse and he couldn't figure out why. Ever since Rigel V when Spock had to do a mind-meld with him, Bones, and Scotty so they would know what was happening on the planet was all an illusion. Oh, he’d loved Spock before, but now it was an almost overwhelming need for Spock. He’d even asked Bones and Scotty how they felt after Rigel V and they’d both sworn they had no side-effects. Apparently mind-melds only fucked with him. Of course.

He had to get over it. He was the captain of a starship, and not just any starship, but the Enterprise. Not some lovesick teenager incapable of handling rejection.

The turbolift opened on his deck and he got out and made his way to his quarters. Once he reached them, he locked them so no one could get in unless he wanted them to, and right now he wanted no visitors.

He eyed the in-progress game of chess on his desk and wondered if Ambassador Spock was up to continue the game. Jim didn't want to disturb the old Vulcan, but he wasn't ready to go to bed. Nor did he wish to do more reports.

He sat behind his desk and hit the comm. Lieutenant Elders appeared on his screen.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Lieutenant, open a channel for me with New Vulcan for Ambassador Spock. Patch it into my quarters.”

“Yes, sir.” Jim waited. “The Ambassador is coming through, Captain.”

“Thanks, Lieutenant.” Elders winked out and the old wizened Spock appeared in his place.  “Spock!”

“Jim, what a pleasant surprise,” the old Spock said. “I thought you would be celebrating the end of the first year of your mission tonight.”

“Yeah, I was, but it’s over.” For him, anyway. “I hope I’m not disturbing you.”

“No, no. I was reading only.”

Jim smiled. Here was a Spock who didn't mind spending time with him. Okay, that wasn't exactly fair. His Spock no longer hated him and they had a friendship of sorts and worked great together as a team, but Spock spent all his free time with his girlfriend.

“I thought we could play chess some. Maybe finish this game.” The last three games Ambassador Spock had kicked his ass.

“Certainly, Jim.” His old eyes assessed Jim. “Have you asked my young counterpart about playing a game or two yet?”

“Nah. He’s got other things to do. I don’t want to bother him.”

“I very much doubt he would consider it a bother.”

Jim shook his head. “You weren't with Uhura in your time, were you?”

“No, I was not.”

“Well, he is here. They've been together for a while. Since their academy days. You know how it is when you have a significant other.”

The ambassador nodded. “I see. I still believe that if you asked him to play with you he would be agreeable.”

“Is that your way of saying you don’t want to play with me?” Jim teased.

“No, Jim. I find the time we spend together most gratifying,” the old man said. “It helps me to miss my own Jim a little less.”

“How long have I…has he been gone?”

“More years than I care to think of.” On his screen he moved his chess piece and Jim moved the same piece on his so the boards would match. “Vulcans live longer than humans and Jim was taken out of my life much too soon.”

Not for the first time he wondered just what the relationship between this Spock and that Jim had been. But he never had the guts to ask.

“He must have been really something,” Jim said. The truth was he was a little jealous of that famous Jim Kirk. That Kirk wasn't a fuck up like he was and obviously whatever their relationship _had_ been, this Spock adored that Kirk. And there had been no Nyota Uhura between them.

“Yes,” the ambassador said. Then after a long pause, “You are very similar.”

That surprised him. “Really? Sometimes I think we couldn't be more different.” He moved his next piece on his board and watched as Spock mirrored the action.

“Circumstances in your life have necessitated some differences, but you have more in common with him than you realize.”

“I’ll have to take your word for it.”

“Indeed.” He made his next move. “Checkmate.”

Jim smiled. “Someday I’m going to beat you.”

The ambassador nodded. “Perhaps. But you have to realize I know all your moves and thought processes very well.”

He frowned. “Shit. I didn't even think about that. Isn't that kind of cheating? Having previous knowledge and all that.”

“I would never cheat,” the old Spock said, but there was a gleam in his dark eyes.

“Uh-huh. I’ll let you go. We’ll talk soon?”

“Yes, Jim. Live long and prosper.”

And the ambassador was gone.

The comm outside his door beeped. Jim leaned back in his chair and ignored it. It beeped again. He swung his legs up onto his desk and leaned back further.

 _Beep_.

Whoever the fuck it was, they were persistent.

 _Beep_.

He slammed his hand down on the comm button. “What?” he asked sharply.

“Captain?”

Spock. Figured. He was surrounded by Spocks.

“What is it, Commander?”

“May I come in?”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled.

“Captain?”

“I guess, yeah.” He pressed the button to open the door.

Spock stepped inside, his back ramrod straight, his hands behind his back. “I wished to inquire about the message you received.”

“Oh. Yeah. Well, there was no message, Spock”

“Sir?”

“I just wanted to leave the celebration and needed an excuse.” Jim shrugged. “No message from Starfleet, so you can rest easy.”

“Why did you desire to leave the celebration early?” Spock asked.

“Stomach issue.”

“Perhaps it was the three large glasses of bourbon you drank that turned your stomach.”

Jim wondered if there was some censure there in Spock’s tone and guessed there probably was. He was also mildly surprised that Spock had even noticed what he’d been drinking.

Instead of responding back with some sort of argument, though, Jim said, “Possibly. Everyone done now?”

“Yes, everyone retired to their quarters a short time ago.”

“And now we embark on our second year. Hopefully it will be as successful as the first.” Jim paused. “Anything else, Mr. Spock?”

His gaze was steady on the chess set on Jim’s desk. “You play chess, Captain?”

“Uh, yeah, I do.”

“Do you play the computer?”

“No.”

“Who do you play then?”

Jim sighed a little. “Ambassador Spock.”

Spock’s spine got even straighter if that were possible. “I did not realize you were in regular contact with my counterpart.”

“Yeah, I have been. We've become friends.” It was on the tip of his tongue to say he was becoming better friends with the ambassador than with Spock himself. But he did not.

“I see. You know, then, that I also play chess.”

Jim nodded.

“I am wondering why you did not seek me out to engage in play.”

“Oh.” He shrugged. “I didn't want to bother you.”

“It would be no bother, Captain. I find chess entertaining.”

“Well, then, next time you are free, perhaps we can play a game,” Jim said.

Spock nodded. “That would be agreeable. Good night, Captain.”

“Good night.” 


	2. On Bonding

 

Spock did not really care for shore leave. He found it baffling that humans chose extracurricular activities when they should be resting rather than expending additional energy.

And if there was one human he knew who expended too much energy at all times it was James T. Kirk. He radiated energy even sitting in his captain’s chair. It was hardly surprising, therefore, when the captain had declared he had plans to _‘make use’_ of his shore leave time.

Kirk was tapping his foot as they played their third series of chess games since Spock had discovered the captain played with his counterpart. The first time they’d played four games and Kirk had won one and Spock the rest. The second time they’d played three games and Kirk had won two of those. They were now into their third game of this series and Spock had won both prior games.

The captain shifted in his chair, and then shifted again. Then the foot tapping began anew.

“You are more restless than usual,” Spock commented as he waited for his captain to make his next move.

“Hmm, am I?” He leaned back in chair, then forward, then back again.

“Yes.”

“Thinking about shore leave, I guess.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “What is to think about? We arrive at the designated planet tomorrow at 0300 hours.”

“What I am going to do while I am down there, of course.”

“I assumed that you would rest.”

Kirk laughed. “Rest? Hell, no. I haven’t had shore leave in ages and I’ve never been to Zaria III. They’re supposed to have amazing waves.”

“Waves?”

“For surfing,” Kirk said with a grin. “I talked Bones into going with me. He’s grumbling a bit, but he’ll go. Might even go snorkeling. And then of course there are the clubs.”

“Clubs?”

“Night clubs,” the captain said. He moved his knight in front of Spock’s king. “Check.”

“You are intending to indulge in evening entertainment?” Spock asked, surveying the board.

“Oh yeah, of the illicit kind.” Kirk grinned mischievously. “I’ll have three nights there and I intend to make particular use of those nights.”

Spock shook his head. He did not understand the human male’s need for carousing with multiple partners.

“Are you going down to the planet with Uhura?” Kirk shifted again, then tapped the opposite foot.

“Nyota and I have the same rotation for shore leave,” Spock said.

“Does that mean yes?”

“Likely, though, I have a request to make of you, Captain.”

“Oh?”

“Next month our position in space will be near to New Vulcan,” Spock explained.

“I am aware of that.”

He nodded and made his move, taking Kirk’s knight. “I would like to request some days on New Vulcan, therefore, if the current shore leave days prevent that, I would rather have the time when we are near New Vulcan.”

“You want to see your father?” Kirk asked.

“I would, indeed, likely see him, however, the time I would spend on New Vulcan would be to seek permission to bond with a mate.”

Kirk had lifted up his next chess piece but it suddenly dropped from his hand crashing into several other pieces. He stood up, knocking over more pieces.

“God, I’m sorry,” he said, but walked away from the chess board, his hand to his head. “I don’t know why I’m so clumsy.”

Spock was alarmed at the erratic change in his captain’s behavior. “Captain, are you unwell?”

“Yeah, yeah, I am,” he said. “I’m going to have to cut the chess game short, Spock. I’m not feeling too good.”

“Shall I send for Dr. McCoy?”

“No.” He shook his head, then winced. “No. So, um, you and Uhura are planning to link your minds?”

“You know of what Vulcan bonding entails?”

“Yeah, I do. I’ve read up on a lot of Vulcan history and customs.”

Spock nodded. “Yes, Nyota and I are wishing to bond. But I must seek permission from the high priestess. Thus my request to allow me time to visit New Vulcan next month.”

Kirk swallowed, then looked away. “Yeah, sure. I think that can be arranged. No problem.”

“I am going to get Dr. McCoy, Captain. You look unwell.”

“I’m fine, Spock. Just…just a hea-headache. I’ll see you later on the bridge, all right?”

Spock was not convinced he shouldn’t get the doctor even with Kirk’s protests otherwise. He was conflicted. Something was not right. He felt an odd pressure in his own head and a slight ache in his side where his heart beat. If they had eaten the same food, Spock would have suspected they’d both had food poisoning.

“If you are certain,” Spock said, not without a lot of hesitation. He did not like to see his captain unwell.

“Yeah, good night.” But Kirk sat down hard on his bed and rested his head in his hands.

Spock would wait no longer. He went to the terminal on the captain’s desk. “Spock to medbay.”

“McCoy here.”

“Doctor, the captain needs medical attention in his quarters.”

“Spock,” Kirk protested.

“I’ll be right there. McCoy out.”

“You are in distress, Captain,” Spock said.

“It’s just…pressure.” Kirk moaned. “Fuck.”

“Perhaps you should lie down,” Spock said, coming to stand by the captain. The pressure in his own head had increased as well, but he willed it away with all the Vulcan control he could master. He gently pushed the captain down on the bed. “Close your eyes.”

The captain did as Spock said, but he was frowning and his breathing was shallow.

“Are you in pain anywhere else?”

“Um, yeah. A little chest pain.”

Spock wondered what was keeping the doctor and when Kirk moaned again, he decided he could not just sit here and wait. He placed his fingers on his captain’s face. He would not do a full mind-meld but he could shield Kirk from the pain, at least a little.

The captain flinched as Spock sought out the source of Kirk’s discomfort. In the back of Kirk’s mind were a series of connected threads. Spock did not know where the connections went, but the threads were constricted and red, pulsing as they constricted further.

Spock pushed comfort and healing thoughts at the thread, soothing and cooling. The bright redness lessened to being only a dull red and the pulsing ceased.

He removed his fingers when he heard the door open. Kirk’s intensely blue eyes opened and blinked at him.

“All right, step aside, Spock,” McCoy said, approaching Kirk with his scanner going.

He reluctantly rose from the bed and watched as McCoy took his place.

“What’s wrong, Jim?” the doctor asked.

The captain shook his head. “Just kind of a weird pressure pain in my head, but it’s not so bad now. Less than it was.”

“And there was chest pain,” Spock advised.

“That’s gone away.”

McCoy nodded and continued to examine him. “Did you eat anything?”

“It’s not allergies,” Kirk insisted. “I was fine until…uh, well, a while ago. It’s weird.”

The doctor took out a hypospray and injected the captain.

“What the fuck was that?” the captain demanded.

Spock had noticed that Kirk swore more when he was stressed. It was one of the many useful signs he’d learned after serving under Kirk for as long as he had. Another sign of stress on the bridge is that the captain gripped the side of his chair very hard.

“It’s a pain killer,” the doctor said calmly. “There’s no sign of heart trouble. Your levels are all elevated, but I don’t think it’s anything serious.”

The captain looked at Spock. “Told you.”

“Just get some rest before your next shift.” McCoy straightened. “And eat something, too.”

“Yeah, okay.”

McCoy made his way to the door. “You coming, Spock?”

He straightened, realizing he had no real reason to linger with the captain. “I will see you on the bridge, Captain.”

“Right, Mr. Spock.”

After he left the captain’s quarters, Spock realized he still had a couple of hours before his shift as well, but instead of spending that with Nyota as he might normally do, he decided he would benefit from some meditation in his quarters. There was something…some piece of information that eluded him, and Spock knew whatever it was…it was important. 


	3. Zaria III: Shore Leave

“Hey, Spock, didn’t expect to see you here of all places,” Jim said as he and Bones entered the most popular night club on Zaria III.

“Thought you said we wouldn’t see anyone from the ship,” Bones grumbled, giving Spock a sour look.

“I did not say that.” Jim smiled at Spock, who stood stiffly just inside the entrance. “This isn’t your kind of place, is it?”

“Nyota wanted to come to try some kind of drink she had heard about,” Spock said stiffly. “She has gone to use the ladies facility.”

“Ah, okay.”

“Captain, you are very red. Are you quite all right?”

Jim grinned. “Oh that. Yeah. Got sunburned when Bones and I went surfing. It was fabulous. I got knocked down by a wave and nearly drowned.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “You almost drowned?”

He laughed. “Yeah, but I have the best doctor in the world as my best friend, so he saved me. He’s going to take care of the sunburn later too. But we wanted a drink first.”

“I do not think regulations permits the captain of a starship to participate in dangerous—”

“Oh, stuff it, Spock.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“I’m on shore leave, I don’t give a damn about regu—Oh, my God.” Jim could not believe his eyes. Standing at the bar, he would swear to it, was Gary Mitchell.

Jim ignored Bones and Spock and made a beeline for the man. “Gary?”

Gary turned, dark haired, and tan, and his handsome face broke into a huge smile. “Jimmy? Jimmy Kirk! Well, hell, I’m glad to see you.”

He laughed and threw his arms around Gary, holding him tight. “God, I can’t believe it. It’s been forever.”

“Yeah, it has. You look great, kid. Good enough to eat.”

He heard himself laugh again. Lord, he must look like an idiot. But the way things had been going, it was damn good to see a friendly face. 

Bones cleared his throat from very close by.

Jim reluctantly released Gary, but he kept a hand on Gary’s arm. He also noticed that Spock had approached with Bones. Neither appeared very happy. Bones had never liked Gary during their early academy days when Jim had been hot and heavy with the older cadet. So he had his Bones’ scowl on. Spock looked even more chilly than usual.

Jim smiled. “Bones, you remember Gary Mitchell. Gary, I’m sure you remember Leonard McCoy.”

“Oh, sure, Lennie.” Gary grinned and shook Bones’ hand roughly. “Never thought you’d still be hanging around my Jimmy. He’s irresistible, though, so I understand.”

“I didn’t expect to see you around either,” Bones said, his voice decidedly unfriendly. “What a coincidence to find you on Zaria III.”

“Bones. And this is my first officer, Commander Spock. Spock, an old friend of mine, Gary Mitchell.”

“Oh, the famous half-Vulcan,” Gary said. ”I know you don’t shake hands.”

“Correct,” Spock said coldly.

“But actually, Lennie’s right. My being here on Zaria III is not a coincidence. Starfleet arranged it.”

Jim frowned and looked at his friend. “Starfleet?”

“I’m gonna work on the Enterprise, Jimmy.”

“Under what capacity?” Spock demanded.

Gary glanced very briefly at Spock but then returned his gaze to Jim. “I’m a physicist. _Commander_ Mitchell. It took some finagling but I managed to convince them to let me work on your ship. I was close enough to Zaria III it just made sense. You probably have a message from Starfleet back on the Enterprise.”

Spock moved closer. “I request to see your orders.”

Jim sighed in exasperation. “Do we really have to do this now?”

“Captain, may I have a word with you?”

“Excuse us, please?” Jim smiled at Gary. “Ship business.”

With a hand on his arm, Jim led Spock away from where Gary and Bones stood. “Okay, really? Do you think he’d lie about being assigned?”

“Captain, as you recall you have a tendency to take people at their word as to their assignment on the Enterprise as you did with Dr. Marcus.” Spock raised an eyebrow. “Who at the time was not assigned. It is merely protocol to verify.”

He rolled his eyes. “All right, yeah. But it doesn’t need to be done at this minute. I’m here to have fun not worry about that shit. And you’re supposed to be entertaining Uhura or whatever.”

“The safety of the Enterprise, her captain, and crew are more important.”

“Gary isn’t going to compromise our safety. It’s fine, Commander. Go enjoy yourself. I know I am.” Jim slapped him on the arm and moved back to where Bones and Gary stood.

“Everything all right?” Gary asked. He moved close to Jim again and slung his arm around Jim’s shoulder. “Listen, I was thinking. You got a hotel here or you staying on your ship?”

“On my ship.”

Gary smirked and spared a glance for Bones. “I’ve got a hotel room. If you want to stay with me.”

“Oh.”

Jim had always liked Gary. He’d come into Jim’s life at a time when Jim needed a friend. His first year of the Starfleet Academy. He’d been Jim’s first male lover for that first year. But Gary was in his last year of the academy and when that year was over they’d gone their separate ways.

“Jim, don’t you—”

But Gary turned pleading eyes at Jim before Bones could finish. “Come on, Jimmy, just for tonight.”

Bones was trying to catch his attention, but Jim ignored him. He didn’t love Gary, but he was lonely and Spock, who he did love, didn’t want him. Never would, he reminded himself _again_. 

“Sure, Gary, that sounds great.” And he smiled flirtatiously.

****

Okay, that was the mother fucked up stupid fuckingest idea he’d had in a long time.  Jim didn’t care if any of that made sense, damn it. He knew what he meant.

He had practically run out of Gary’s hotel room when it was over. He’d left Gary conked out half on and half off the bed. One thing Gary had always gone for was BDSM and that certainly hadn’t changed. But damn he’d become a mean son of a bitch. Jim was sore as hell, a bit battered and bruised, and had the mother of all hangovers. What had possessed him to drink that many Romulan ales? And how the fuck had Gary had the illegal contraband?

At least he was back on board his ship

Now he’d just finished a shower that didn’t do much for him and had pulled on a clean uniform. He was getting coffee from the replicator when the chime on his door sounded.

“Come.”

Spock appeared looking refreshed and far too lickable. Not that Jim was thinking of licking Spock. Well maybe. Sure, he was.

“Uh, hey, Spock.” He grabbed the coffee and took a sip. Winced at the lousy brew.

Spock lifted an eyebrow. “Were you assaulted?”

“Sort of.”

His first officer stepped forward. “By whom? Commander Mitchell? I will have security place him in the brig at once.”

Jim shook his head. “It was consensual. Well, sort of. Mostly. Anyway, I’m a big boy, Spock. Don’t worry about it. What brings you here so early? Shouldn’t you still be on Zaria III enjoying your shore leave?”

“I could ask the same of you, Captain.”

He winced as a stab of pain went through his head. “Shore leave doesn’t sound so appealing anymore.”     

Spock stared at him, opened his mouth, closed it. Then repeated it. Finally he shook his head and handed the PADD he carried to Jim.    

Jim surveyed it, nodded. “So Gary is assigned here.”

“You seem to have lost the enthusiasm you had for the idea last night.”

“Yeah, I have. I’m sure Gary will be an asset, but—”

“If you do not wish him to serve on board the Enterprise we should notify Starfleet at once.”

Jim sighed. “No, my personal issues with Gary shouldn’t interfere with my duties as captain.”

Spock seemed to consider this. “You are an adequate captain. I do not believe that Starfleet would fault you if you requested a change.”

He laughed, then instantly regretted it as it caused another rush of pain. “An adequate captain? Gee, thanks, Spock.”

“You are applying sarcasm?”

“I just would have thought after all this time together I would have rated more than adequate.”

“I fail to see what the objection to adequate is.”

Jim huffed out a breath. “Never mind. Gary Mitchell stays, Spock.”

He bowed. “As you wish, Captain.”

“Okay, good. I’ll be on the bridge.”

“You really do not intend to partake in more shore leave activities, Captain?”

“Definitely not. I’ll be lucky if I can sit.” He slapped Spock’s arm and as he exited his quarters he heard one last word out of Spock.

“Fascinating.” 


	4. Gary Mitchell

Spock did not like Gary Mitchell.

He had disliked Mitchell on sight, which was somewhat unusual for him. Although, he had disliked Carol Marcus on sight as well, although since he had begrudgingly agreed Dr. Marcus was excellent at her position, and was not unlikeable.

Spock did not expect to change his assessment of Mitchell, begrudgingly or otherwise.

Once Mitchell had opened his mouth, Spock had found himself disliking Mitchell even more. He had quickly picked up on Dr. McCoy’s displeasure at seeing Mitchell with the captain and therefore Spock knew his dislike was correct. There was no one more protective of James Kirk than McCoy, so if the doctor had an issue with Mitchell Spock had no doubt it was a good reason.

Further evidence of Mitchell being unlikeable had come with the man’s constant need to touch Spock’s captain. And when Spock had learned of Mitchell’s rough sexual activity with said captain, his dislike had turned to hatred. An emotion Spock did not care for at all. But an honest one.

Mitchell’s actions had caused Kirk to cancel his own shore leave plans in order to stay aboard the ship.

The shore leave was now over and the Enterprise was already on its way to the next mission, seeking out what had befallen the federation ship, Valiant, but with an extra crew member Spock did not trust even minimally. He had caught several covetous looks from Mitchell aimed at the captain when he had been with Kirk. Spock had taken to placing himself in front of the captain in the mess hall and rec rooms so that Mitchell would not have a direct view.

Mitchell was a competent physicist, Spock would allow that, and only that.

The turbolift opened and Gary Mitchell stepped onto the bridge. Spock stiffened. Since Mitchell was not assigned to bridge personnel there could only be one reason Mitchell had come.

Kirk sat, obliviously, in his captain’s chair reading over reports on his PADD.

Spock rose from his own chair and intercepted Mitchell before he could reach Kirk.

“Is there something you require, Commander?”

Mitchell was brought up short and he glared at Spock. “I’m just here to see Jimmy.”

“The captain is on duty and is occupied at present. If this is a personal visit, I must insist that it can wait until he is off shift. If it ship’s business, as first officer, I am sure I can assist you.”

“This won’t take long, Mr. Spock.”

“Then I am sure you can relay whatever it is to me.”

“Captain, we’re approaching an energy barrier,” Sulu said from the helm.

“On screen, Mr. Sulu,” the captain ordered. A thick line of red space appeared before them. Kirk frowned. “Spock, what the hell is that?”

Spock went to his science station to scan the barrier. “It is energy, Captain, but of unknown origin. I have never seen it before.”

Mitchell stepped over to the captain’s chair, his eyes on the screen. “We should get away from here.”

Kirk glanced at Mitchell and frowned. “What—”

“Captain, we’re being pulled toward it.”

“Evasive action, Mr. Sulu.”

“I’m trying.”

Spock went over to helm and pushed several buttons.

The barrier flashed and the ship rocked and shook, sending everyone on the bridge flying.

After Spock picked himself up off the floor he glanced first at Kirk and then at Nyota. Both appeared to be unharmed. But Mitchell still lay on the ground, unconscious.

The captain knelt beside him. “He’s totally out. We need to get him to medbay.” He stood and hit the comm on his chair. “Kirk to medbay. Bones status report.”

“Reports of injuries and fatalities still coming in, Jim. Whatever the hell that was it gave us quite a rocking.”

“Gary’s been injured. Security will bring him there. Kirk out. Sulu?”

“The barrier threw us back, Captain, when we hit it, so we’re not being pulled any longer. But helm is not responding.”

“Kirk to engineering. Scotty, what’s wrong with my ship?”

“Aye, Captain, we’ve got damage. And warp’s out. We’re working on fixing her up now. Scott out.”

****

Starfleet had obtained the recording of the last few captains’ logs for the Valiant. The Valiant had last been in this sector, very close to where the barrier they had encountered was.

Spock watched the recording with Kirk in the medbay as they had recently arrived there to check on Gary Mitchell.

_Captain’s log Stardate 4525.3_

_We’ve encountered a strange magnetic space storm that incapacitated our ship. My first officer, Owens, has exhibited strange behavior since we encountered the storm. He seems to have strange new powers that almost make him super human and his eyes glow silver. It’s changed him from the gentle man I have known for years to an aggressive combative man I no longer recognize._

_Captain’s log Stardate 4527.4_

_Situation worse. Crew changed. Mutiny. I have no choice but to set the self-destruct sequence. I cannot allow Owens and the others to get to any other planet. Self-destruct sequence Alpha Mega Gamma Ford 23445._

Kirk turned to Spock, his face grim as the recording ended. “Do you think that barrier was the magnetic storm he spoke of?”

“Likely, Captain.”

“Jim,” Bones spoke from a doorway nearby. “Gary’s coming around.”

The captain laid his hand on Spock’s arm. “Come on.”

Of course, Spock had fully intended to accompany the captain to see Mitchell even if Kirk had not wanted it. Spock had made up his mind that Mitchell was a danger to the captain and he intended to see that the two of them were not left alone again. So far, Spock had succeeded.

Mitchell was sitting up on the biobed. “Jimmy,” he called out when seeing the captain, his face breaking out in a wide grin.

The captain smiled. “It’s good to see you awake, Gary. How are you feeling?”

“My head’s buzzing a bit. I don’t know. Like there’s some kind of energy storm in my head.”

Kirk shot McCoy a look. “That’s pretty strange. How do you feel otherwise?”

“I feel _great_ ,” and his voice deepened on the last word.

The captain blinked and took a step back, stopping when he ran into Spock’s solid body. Spock did not move away, instead offering his support with his presence.

“That’s, uh, good,” Kirk said. “So, um, no other ill-effects?”

“No, none. I feel like I could _conquer_ the world,” Gary said. His voice once more going very deep on the word conquer. He looked toward McCoy. “I’d like to be allowed to leave medbay.”

McCoy shook his head. “I want you to stay overnight for observation and more tests.”

“ _No, I will leave now_.” And this time all his words were that deep, strange voice.

“Now, hang on, Gary,” the captain started to say, when Mitchell turned his gaze toward Kirk, his eyes completely silver. “What the fuck.”

Gary got up from the biobed and took two steps toward the captain. “Jimmy. I think we should talk in private.”

Spock put himself in between the advancing Mitchell and Kirk. It was his duty to protect Kirk from threats and Mitchell was definitely a threat. “You will stay here in medbay as Dr. McCoy has said,” Spock said coolly.

“You can’t keep me away from him,” Mitchell said. He raised a hand and Spock saw that the ends of his fingers glowed red.

Spock was about to retort to that when McCoy came up behind Mitchell and jabbed him in the neck with a hypospray. Mitchell went down to the floor. Spock barely spared him a glance when he turned to the captain.

“Whatever affected the crew of the Valiant must have also affected Commander Mitchell,” Spock said.

“Isn’t it too soon to decide that,” the captain said.

“Jim, you saw the recording. The Valiant captain mentioned his first officer’s eyes had turned silver.”

 Kirk turned away, looking off in the distance. “Fuck. This is fucked.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I’ll tell Bones to restrain Gary until we know what the fuck we’re dealing with.”

“That would be advisable, Captain.”

“Yeah, okay.” Kirk patted Spock’s arm as he went back into the area where Mitchell was.

****

Spock was on the bridge two point four hours later when McCoy contacted him.

“McCoy to Bridge.”

“Spock here.”

“Mitchell broke out of his restraints. He’s on the loose.”

“How did this happen, doctor?”

“I was with another patient. He was unconscious. I came back in he was gone.”

“Did you notify the captain?”

“No, I started with you. He trashed medbay. McCoy out.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Spock knew the captain had gone to his quarters to rest a bit before his next shift. It was possible he was sleeping.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” His fingers dug into the Captain’s chair. “Spock to Kirk.”

He was up out of the chair into the turbolift in seconds. He hit the side button. “Computer locate Captain Kirk.

“Kirk, James T., Captain, is in his quarters.”

When the turbolift doors opened on the floor with the officers’ quarters, Spock ran. He hit the button for the captain’s quarters. Nothing happened.

“Computer, First Officer Spock’s override code, Beta Gamma Spock 1560.”

The door slid open and Spock’s blood turned to ice.

Gary Mitchell had his arms wrapped around his captain’s throat and Kirk was gasping for air.

Spock drew his phaser and fired. Nothing happened. He fired again. This time Mitchell stumbled. Spock fired a third time and Mitchell’s fingers slipped off the captain’s neck.

He went for Mitchell then, beating him over and over until Mitchell dropped to his knees. Mitchell’s eyes glowed silver and he seemed to grow stronger.

“I should be the captain. Why the fuck should this kid be captain before me?” Mitchell demanded, his voice preternaturally deep. “I will take command of the Enterprise.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it.” Spock knocked him down again and neck pinched him. It was a bit of a struggle, but Mitchell went down.

Spock knelt before the captain. “Jim?”

Kirk gasped, his eyes glassy and bugged out, similar to when Spock had strangled him all that time ago. “I…I’m…okay.”

“I will get Dr. McCoy.” Spock stood

“No, not necessary.” Kirk rose and looked down at Mitchell. “He just came in and started attacking me. Saying he should be captain.”

Spock had an illogical urge to kick the unconscious man.

“We need to get him to the brig,” the captain said.

“More than that I think, Captain.

Kirk frowned. “Meaning?”

“There is a planet nearby. Class M. I believe it is imperative to maroon Mitchell on that planet to save the Enterprise from the Valiant’s fate.”

“Spock.”

“Jim, I know you considered him a friend.”

“I still do.”

Spock nodded. “We’ll notify Starfleet so they can come pick him up and bring him to trial. I will not allow him to threaten your life or command again. We do not know what he is capable of, Captain. And we have to do it before he regains consciousness.”

Kirk was silent for a long time as he stared down at Mitchell. “All right, but I’m going down with him.”

“Captain—”

“Spock, I can’t just maroon him there without telling him why. Not have him wake up in a strange place with no one to tell him. That’s…that’s not me.”

Though the captain did not say it Spock heard the censure, “ _That’s you, Spock”_ , he barely refrained from wincing.

“I’ll go down with him so that when he wakes up I can explain what’s going to happen,” Kirk continued.

“He tried to kill you, Captain.”

“He was my friend,” Kirk insisted. “Whatever happened to him here, he didn’t deserve this, Spock. This isn’t him.”

“But Captain—”

“I’ll beam back up right away. You can monitor my frequencies the whole time.”

Spock shook his head. “No, sir. I will be with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> loosely based on episode Where No Man Has Gone Before


	5. Where No Man Has

“Like hell you will,” Jim said, angrily. “You are staying here.”

“Captain, regulations—”

“Don’t you fucking dare quote regulations to me right now. If things don’t go well with Gary down there, I need you up here. You will get the Enterprise out of here.”

Spock merely stared stoically at him.

Jim went to his terminal. “Security to my quarters. Set phasers to stun.” He turned back to Spock. “This is an order, Commander.”

“Very well, sir,” Spock said, his voice hard and rigid. “But I insist you take security officers with you.”

Jim shook his head. “I’m not risking anyone else’s life.”

“You are being irrational and unreasonable. As captain of the Enterprise it is your duty to take your own safety seriously so as not to endanger the rest of the crew.”

He stepped close to Spock and narrowed his eyes. “You want to declare me emotionally compromised, Spock?”

Spock’s silence was long and for a moment Jim thought he really would declare Jim compromised and take command. He wasn’t even sure he _wasn’t_ compromised.

“No, Captain,” Spock said evenly.

“Well, then, do as you’re fucking told,” Jim said. His door beeped and he let two big security officers in. He indicated Gary. “Take him to the transporter room.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim turned back to Spock. Some of his anger and irritation faded. “I hope to make this quick, okay?”

Spock nodded.

He sighed. “It’s just, he was…is…my friend. And-and other things at one time. I can’t just do that to him.”

Spock hesitated. “Understood, Captain.”

Jim smiled. “I’ll see you soon, Spock.”

And he followed after the security guards.

****

 The class M planet, which didn’t even warrant a name apparently, but a number, which Jim couldn’t bring himself to remember or care about at that moment, was made up of mostly rocks and cave and arches. At least it had a breathable atmosphere and wasn’t as hot as hell.

Gary had not yet regained consciousness in the ten minutes or so since they’d beamed down there. Jim had not admitted this to Spock, but he was extremely apprehensive about Gary waking up. The man had been very strong and there had been emptiness in his eyes Jim had never seen before. Had Spock not arrived when he had, Jim would be dead.

Of all the things Jim had ever thought about Gary, he had never imagined Gary would want to kill him. Dominate him, sure. Even humiliate him. But kill? He hadn’t thought.

Maybe it had been stupid of him to bring Gary down here by himself. But Jim couldn’t let him do to the Enterprise what the first officer of the Valiant had done to that ship. And Jim knew that there was no one else on the Enterprise that Gary might listen to. So he’d taken the chance, even though, really, he would rather have not.

Gary stirred and his eyes opened. They were still silver and he stared hard at Jim. “Where am I?”

“On a Class M planet awaiting Federation officers to bring you back to earth.” Jim paused. “You tried to kill a Starfleet officer.”

Gary stood and looked around. “This is where you leave me, Jimmy? There is nothing here.”

“I’ve had supplies beamed down for you.” Jim pointed to a box.

“You think that is it?” Gary chuckled. “You can just leave me here and you go on your merry way?”

“Gary—”

Gary advanced on him suddenly and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt pulling him to his feet, high in the air above Gary’s head. “You will not.”

Jim took out his communicator, but Gary knocked it out of his hand and then squashed it with his foot.

“Puny human,” Gary snarled. “You think you can strand me here? I am a god. Your god.”

“Gary, this is not you. Something happened to you. Maybe it can be reversed.”

He tossed Jim to the ground. “I will teach you discipline, Jimmy.” He raised his hand and Jim saw the strange red glow of his fingers.

The sound of someone beaming to the surface caught Jim’s ears. Even without turning, Jim knew exactly who it was. But he turned anyway and saw Spock standing very close by, phaser raised.

Gary laughed. “I should have known Jimmy’s Vulcan bitch would appear.” He aimed his hand toward Spock, sparks flying off his fingers. “Well, now Jimmy gets to watch you die.”

“ _No_.”

Jim kicked at Gary’s legs until he stumbled back next to a large rock which had an overhand. He fired his phaser at the overhang until rocks came crashing down on top of Gary. Rock after rock until he was buried by them.

Spock sprang forward when the avalanche ended and together they uncovered enough rocks to see Gary’s face. His eyes were staring straight ahead.

“Fuck,” Jim said. He buried his face in his hands.

“Captain?”

But Jim just shook his head.

“Enterprise, two to beam up.”

Jim didn’t say a word after he stepped off the transporter, just headed for the exit. He was sad and pumped fill of adrenaline but he was pissed. He was mostly fucking furious. He was half way down the corridor, aware Spock was there with him, before he turned to confront the Vulcan.

“I gave you a _direct_ order.”

“Yes.” Spock stood rigid, hands clasped behind his back, face expressionless.

“Which you fucking disregarded.”

Spock hesitated only a second. “Yes, sir.”

“Do you know how fucking pissed off I am right now, Spock?”

“I have a fairly good idea.”

Jim didn’t think he had a clue. Spock could have _died_. Gary would have _killed_ him. And where the fuck would Jim be? Out of his mind that’s where. Spock dead was the one thing he could not, would not, handle.

“Commander, when I give an order I expect it to be carried out,” Jim said seething. “I thought I made myself extremely clear.”

“You did, Captain.”

“And yet you disobeyed it anyway.”

“Yes.”

Jim rubbed his temples. “The rest of this five year mission is going to be extremely difficult, Commander, if you continue to believe you can disregard whichever orders you disagree with.”

“I would not—”

“Don’t you dare speak! If you ever— _ever--_ disregard a direct order of mine again, you’ll be off this ship. I’m done fucking around. Do you understand, Mr. Spock?”

Spock’s look was as cold as Jim had ever seen. Devoid of emotion like never before. “Yes, Captain. You have made yourself exceptionally clear.”

“Good. Dismissed.” Jim turned and walked away before he had the urge to smash his fist into something or someone.

 _No one_ was more important to Jim. He’d known that for months and the thought of the universe without Spock in it was just too much. The very thought made him want to scream. And the idea of Spock dying because of Jim? He couldn’t even think about it.

He didn’t even know where he was going on the ship. He was just walking. Not even really seeing anything. He came to the end of a corridor and he’d either have to turn left or go up or down the ladder that would take him to the decks below and above his current location.

Jim went up the ladder. And up and up. Until he reached the observation deck. He found his favorite room on the observation deck. It was all windows, side windows and ceiling. Nothing but the stars. It was blissfully devoid of crew members, so he stepped inside and locked it so he wouldn’t be disturbed.

He sat down against the wall and leaned back. His anger faded completely and he was left feeling such sorrow. For the loss of Gary, a friend, for what he could never have with Spock. For so many things.

Jim didn’t know how long he’d been there when he heard the door open. He didn’t bother to look because there were only two officers on board the ship who could override that particular code and one was a doctor. He knew the one who had opened it was the other one.

Spock lowered himself to the floor beside Jim. He did not speak.

Jim closed his eyes. He tried to speak but his throat clogged. He tried again, clearing it. “I’m sorry, Spock.”

“Your apology is not necessary.”

“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I shouldn’t have yelled at you. Not like that. And I would never see you off the Enterprise.” God, the thought of not having Spock near him at least made him queasy.

“I did disobey your order, Captain. And I admit that I would have done the same thing again, if I had it to do over. Commander Mitchell would have killed you had I not. Having prevented that, I do not regret my actions. I do regret distressing you.”

Jim smiled and opened his eyes to gaze at the stars. “It’s all right. If you were captain and I your first officer, I would have done the same thing in your place.” He spared a glance at Spock, but his gaze was on the stars overhead. “How did you find me? The Computer?”

“No. The old fashioned way.”

“Which is?”

“I followed you.”

“Ah.” Jim sighed. “Did I fuck up?”

“Clarify.”

“With Gary. Was this my fault?”

“No. How could you have known the barrier would cause such a reaction in Mitchell? Or that he would try to mutiny against you? You thought him a friend.”

“Yeah. And now he’s dead. I killed him myself.” Tears pricked his eyes. “I’ve never killed a friend before. God, the universe is never done fucking with me.”

“Jim?”

“It’s just…you know, when I first enlisted in the academy most people hated me. Either because they knew I was a trouble maker or because I was smarter than them. I had two friends. Bones and Gary. That was it. Oh, sure, girls liked me. But actual friends, people who wanted to spend time with me for just me, it was those two. Gary and I were friends before anything sexual began. He was in his last year when I got there. We never expected the sexual thing to last, we weren’t really romantically interested in each other, but the friendship, yeah. We parted friends.”

He toyed with the hem of his uniform but continued to gaze up at space.

“So, yeah, if you’d asked me then if I thought someday I was going to kill Gary Mitchell I would have thought that was the craziest idea ever. I should have known.”

“Known what?”

Jim blew out a breath. “Nah, you don’t want to hear it.”

“I would not have made the query if I had not wanted to hear it.”

“It’s just I have this theory that the universe loves to fuck with me. I’m not the _great_ Jim Kirk, I’m the fucked up Jim Kirk. My father killed when I was born, an abusive asshole of a stepfather, in and out of trouble. My mom’s okay but I don’t even know when the last time it was we saw each other. Ended up starving near to death on Tarsus IV, barely escaped murder. And hell, you know everything else that’s happened to me.” He clenched his eyes shut. “Did the universe have to add be forced to kill a friend to everything else?’

“Jim, there were no other options.”

“Weren’t there? Hell, I still don’t believe in no-win scenarios, Spock.”

Spock nodded. “I know, but for me, your coming out of this alive was a definite win.”

“How did I get so lucky having someone as awesome as you as my first officer anyway?” Jim teased.

“Perhaps the universe isn’t as out to get you as much as you believe.”

Jim laughed. “That was brilliant.”

Spock inclined his head.

They both fell silent for a while until the intercom wailed.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

“Ah, hell.” But they both rose.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Uhura’s voice.

He hit the comm on the wall. “Kirk here.”

“Message from Starfleet, sir.”

“I’ll be right there. Kirk out.” He turned to Spock and patted his arm. “Walk with me?”

Spock nodded. “Of course.”

 


	6. Lonely Captain

Walking into his quarters later after his shift on the bridge brought Jim’s overwhelming loneliness to the forefront of his mind. It was like a physical presence it was so sharp and intense.

He sunk into his desk chair and tried to figure out when it had come to this. When he had let this get to him? He had friends, didn’t he? Bones, of course. The ambassador. Spock. And his crew liked him. Sure they rarely invited him to any activities unless he showed up in the rec room. They were enthusiastic then but Jim was never really sure if it was because they felt they had no choice or if they genuinely wanted him to take part. It would be nice to be invited ahead of time and not added simply because he was their captain.

“Fuck,” he said out loud.

Then he noticed he had a personal message on his terminal. His mom. A few minutes later his mom appeared on his screen, her eyes crinkled with concern.

“Jim.” He looked a lot like her, actually. Very much a combination of her and his dad. At least judging by the holo-pictures he’d seen of George Kirk. She worked on the Starship, Constellation, and had for the last several years.

Jim smiled. “Hi, Mom.”

“Are you all right?” she asked, her voice soft.

He opened his mouth to say that of course he was, but what came out was, “Not really.”

 “I heard about Gary Mitchell.”

Jim was never really surprised how fast news traveled around the galaxy and his mom always seemed to know what had happened to him.

“Yeah, it was…difficult.”

“You want to talk about it?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know. I know a lot of people didn’t like Gary and I know he could be an arrogant asshole, but he stood up for me a lot in my first year of the academy. There were guys who wanted to knock me down just because of who they thought I was and Gary wouldn’t let them.”

She sighed. “God knows I wasn’t his biggest fan either, but I certainly can’t hate him for that.”

“But you hated him for other things.”

“For all his protection of you from others, Jim, I never liked the way Gary treated you himself. Like you were just his pet or something.”

“It wasn’t like that,” Jim protested.

“It seemed like it. How did he end up back in your life anyway? I thought he was gone for good.”

“Well, we ran into him on Zaria III and he had orders to join the Enterprise.”

She snorted. “How convenient.”

“Mom.”

“Well anyway,” she said after a moment. “I know you, Jim. You let him back in, didn’t you?”

He knew what she meant. And his gut twisted with it. Because yeah, he had, like a sickness he couldn’t control. He couldn’t look her in the eyes just then.

“Yeah, I did. It was only the one time on Zaria III.” He closed his eyes. “It was just…I was so alone, you know? A ship full of people and I was alone. And then there was Gary grinning at me and touching me and wanting me.”

“Did he hurt you?”

Jim nodded. “He always hurt me. I used to think I probably deserved it.”

“Oh, Jim.”

“But this time, after, I felt like such an idiot. I couldn’t wait to get away from him. And, Mom, he scared me after that. I didn’t want to be alone with him again. And that was before whatever happened to him with the barrier happened. I’m a starship captain and I was afraid.”

“Gary was a bastard, Jim, and God forgive me, I’m glad the fucker is dead. If he weren’t, I’d want to kill him myself.” There was a beeping noise in the background and his mom looked away for a second. When she looked back her eyes were sad. “I have to go.”

Jim swallowed heavily. “Yeah. Any chance the Enterprise and the Constellation will be anywhere near the same starbase in the next six months?”

She hesitated, then shook her head. “I don’t think so, Jim. I’m sorry.”

“I figured.” He put his hand up to the screen and she mirror his action their fingers matching positions. “I miss you.”

“I miss you, too, Jim. Love you.”

“Love you, too. Kirk out.”

And his mom winked out.

He hit the comm again. “Kirk to medbay.”

“McCoy here. What’s up, Jim?”

“I was going to ask you. What are you doing?”

“Just some reports. Nothing important.”

“Want some company, Bones?”

“Sure, come on down, kid.”

Jim took off his gold tunic and then made his way to medbay. He passed a few crewmembers on the way he stopped to talk to briefly, but for the most part the corridors were fairly empty.

He found Bones in his office already pouring two glasses of bourbon.

Jim sat across from him with a grin. “How’d you know I needed that?”

“Your voice,” Bones said with a  shrug. He pushed the drink at him.

“You know, I realized something,” Jim said after a sip of the bourbon.

“Yeah?”

“Down there on that fucked up planet, I didn’t really do anything to defend myself when Gary attacked me. It wasn’t until he threatened Spock I killed him.” Jim shrugged. “I’m not sure I would have killed him if it was just me he threatened.”

“What does that tell you?”

“I don’t know really. Spock’s life is worth saving and mine isn’t?”

Bones snorted. “I think it was hard for you to hurt a friend, even one threatening you, you couldn’t see past what Gary had meant to you. I think at some point survival instinct would have kicked in and you would have done something, but with Spock there you had to act sooner.”

Jim nodded and took another sip. “Maybe.”

“Let’s face it, Jim, you’d kill anyone over harming Spock.”

“Yeah, I would,” he freely admitted. “They’re b-bonding, you know.”

Bones frowned. “Hmm? Bonding? Who?”

The pressure was back in his head, though he tried to ignore it. “Uhura and Sp-Spock. The Vulcan bonding thing.” He winced and rubbed his temple.

“You gotta be kidding me.”

Jim shook his head. “I wish. Spock told me a while ago. Wants to go to New Vulcan to get permission and do it, I guess. They’ll make little Vulcans someday.”

“Jim,” Bones said gently.

He swallowed more bourbon. “What does it matter anyway? I’m the world’s biggest idiot for loving someone so unattainable.”

“You can’t help who you love.”

“Yeah, too bad. If you had a hypospray for that, I’d take it willingly. Just one more thing Jim Kirk has to survive.”

“I see you’re firmly in the self-pitying mode,” Bones said.

“You noticed? Can’t seem to shake it. Between Gary and my mom and Spock.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “I’m a hot mess.”

“You’re right about the hot part,” Bones joked, waggling his eyebrows.

Jim laughed. “Please. You know what the weirdest part is? Every time I think about the bond thing I get this weird pressure in my head. It’s bad enough my heart has to break but does my fucking head have to too?”

“Is that what you had a while back? Same thing?”

“Uh-huh. It was the night Spock told me about them bonding. It’s so fucking weird.”

Bones nodded. “I can run some tests.”

“Yeah, might be a good idea.”

“You want another?” He flicked his head at Jim’s empty glass.

“Will it make the pain go away?”

“Probably not.”

Jim sighed. “Sure why not? Misery loves company.”

****

An hour or so later, Jim was making his way from the turbolift to his quarters when he spotted Spock and Uhura outside Spock’s quarters. Spock’s arms were around her waist and she had her arms looped around his neck. Their foreheads were touching and it couldn’t have looked more intimate.

His heart constricted, his lungs tightening so much he could hardly breathe and the pressure in his head was so immense he thought his head really might explode. Jim dropped to one knee and clutched at the corridor wall.

“Captain? Captain, are you all right?” Yeoman Rand had appeared at his side and had dropped down next to him, concern on her face.

“Yeah, yeah,” he said, gasping. “Give…give me a minute.”

“Captain, do I need to call medbay?”

“No, Yeoman. I’m…I’m fine.” _Get it together, Jim. You’re making a fool out of yourself in front of your crew now_. He forced himself to stand, but he leaned against the wall. Down at the end of the hall Uhura was gone, but he also noticed Spock was staring down his way. Jim straightened. He could show no weakness. Forcing a smile, Jim said, “See? All better.”

“Are you sure, sir?” Rand asked, looking unconvinced.

“Of course. Carry on, Yeoman.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jim watched her continue down the corridor in the opposite direction. When he glanced back in the direction of the officers’ quarters he was relieved to see Spock, too, had disappeared. Good, the last thing he needed was to have to talk to Spock after this fucked up day.

When he was sure the pressure in his head was completely gone, Jim walked the remainder of the corridor to his quarters and keyed in his code. Once inside he super locked the door. Or that’s how he thought of his high priority captain’s code.

He got rid of the rest of his uniform and pulled on one of his comfortable T-shirts he slept in as well as some pajama bottoms his mother had sent him last Christmas. He actually didn’t sleep in those, but he had some reports to do before sleeping, so he sat behind his desk and got to work.

About an hour into the reports, his terminal beeped. He pressed the button and Lieutenant Elders came up onto the screen. 

“Sorry to disturb you, Captain. The ambassador from New Vulcan is hailing you.”

“Put him through, thanks, Lieutenant.”

“Aye, sir.”

The old wise Vulcan appeared and Jim could swear he was almost smiling. “Spock!”

“Jim, you seem pleased to see me.”

He laughed. “You have no idea. It’s great to see a friendly face.”

“From this side of the screen as well. Is there any particular thing that distresses you?”

Jim sighed. “A bunch of things really. You haven’t heard about Gary Mitchell.”

Spock looked startled and then a flicker of recognition entered his gaze. But he said, “What about him?”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “Wait. Did I know Gary Mitchell in your time?”

“You know I do not think it wise to—”

“I did, didn’t I? Son of a bitch. Did he get zapped by a barrier and get silver eyes and become all godlike?”

Ambassador Spock pursed his lips.

“Wow. That is so weird,” Jim said, shaking his head. “I wonder if I’ll ever get used to this other me shit. Okay, well, then, it sounds like I don’t have to tell _you_ what happened to Gary Mitchell.”

“Possibly not,” the ambassador admitted.

“Anyway, none of the other stuff matters. I’m just really happy to see you.” Jim grinned.

“I am actually contacting you, Jim, because I have been informed you will soon be headed to New Vulcan.”

Jim nodded, keeping his face as blank as he could. “That’s right. We’re going to Omega Citron on a diplomatic mission and it’s near New Vulcan.”

“Do you also have a diplomatic mission here?”

“No. We’re stopping there for two days for personal reasons.”

“Personal reasons?”

“Yeah. You, er, Spock, requested it. Starfleet approved it. They think a lot of Spock.”

“Is Sarek sick?”

Jim really didn’t want to talk about this. The pressure had left his brain and he did not want it back. But he couldn’t deny anything the ambassador asked of him. He was _Spock_.

“No. Spock wants to ask permission to bond with Uhura. They asked for two days to receive permission and then complete the bond.” There he’d said it. Out loud and everything and the universe didn’t explode. Just another fissure in his heart.

The ambassador looked started. “They are bonding?”

“Yeah. Marriage, the whole nine yards. They seem very happy.” Gack, it was hard to force this nonchalance.

“Jim—”

He held up a hand. “Please. Don’t ask me how I feel about it. Please.”

Ambassador Spock’s eyes seemed suddenly sad, but he nodded. “As you wish, Jim. I would never want to cause you distress.”

He forced a smile. Jim was very good at smiling when he was dying inside. “Anyway, you know, I could probably spare some time while we’re there. Maybe we could get together for tea or dinner or something?”

“How about both?” the ambassador suggested. “You can come to my home and I will prepare tea and dinner for us.”

This time Jim’s smile was genuine. “I would love that.”

“I would find it very pleasing as well. I look forward to it. Live long and prosper.”

“Live long and prosper.”

He’d barely picked up his PADD again when the door of his quarters beeped. Jim ignored it. Whoever it was they good go the hell away.

It beeped two more times. Then he saw the flashing on the inside of the door indicating someone was trying to override the lock.

 _Good luck with that_.

But of course he knew now who was on the other side of the door. Spock. _His_ Spock. Only not his. And two Spocks within minutes of each other were more than he could deal with right now. Especially when the other one looked at him with almost unbearable longing and affection. Jim recognized that look because it was the same he had for his Spock.

Jim reached for his communicator knowing it would come next. It flickered to life as he was picking it up.

“Kirk here.”

“Captain?”

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, Mr. Spock?”

“Are you all right? I was unable to access your quarters. My override code did not function.”

“I used my highest security code to lock it. I’m fine, Spock, just doing Starfleet reports. I’d gotten behind.”

“If you require assistance—”

“No, not necessary. Enjoy your evening. Kirk out.” And he cut transmission even as Spock had begun to speak.

Whoever said love was a many-splendored thing had never met Jim. 


	7. A Formed Bond

Spock watched James Kirk for signs of stress. But so far his observations had proven to be futile for the captain did not seem particularly stressed.

He still laughed and joked with Sulu and Chekov. Pulled impossible feats out of Mr. Scott. Teased McCoy. As far as Spock could tell it was only Spock he acted differently with. But of this he was certain. The captain was distancing himself from Spock and the closer they got to New Vulcan the more he pulled away from Spock.

He did not make friends easily. And he had few friends. Even fewer close friends. Jim was his closest friend. Spock must have done something to cause the captain to change their friendship. He did not know what. And though he did not like to admit it, he found the change distressing.

Spock stared at the back of Kirk’s head, willing him to turn and look at Spock as he usually did. But Kirk never did.

The captain turned down every request to play chess with a “too busy” or “too tired” comment and yet he would not allow Spock, who as first officer could have, to assist him with any of his duties or reports. Spock had thought they were an exceptional command team, better than the adequate that Spock had teased Kirk with a few weeks ago, but that was before Spock had done whatever he had done.

The captain rose from his seat and headed for the turbolift. “Spock, you have the conn.”

He should just nod and accept, but instead he followed his captain into the turbolift.

“Oh.” Kirk looked startled. “Hey, Spock.”

“May I have a word with you, Captain?”

“Sure. Sure. What’s up?”

Spock stared straight ahead. “Have I…displeased you?’

“Huh?”

“You have changed the status of our friendship.”

“I—”

“And the status of our working relationship. I have requested to assist you with reports and you have refused every offer.”

Kirk sighed. “Spock, it’s not you, it’s me.” Then he winced. “God, that’s not what I meant. We’re fine. Okay?”

“If you say so, sir.”

“Spock.” And the captain placed his hand on Spock’s forearm and warmth shot up Spock’s arm and spread throughout him. Kirk looked startled because he dropped his hand and backed up. “I…what the fuck?”

He cleared his throat. “You were saying?”

“Oh. Yeah. We’re still friends, Spock. It’s nothing you’ve done. I’ve just had a lot on my mind.” He grinned. “If you really _want_ to help with reports, I’m all for it. But you may be sorry.”

Spock wasn’t really fooled by his captain’s façade, but he accepted it and nodded. “Yes, Captain.”

****  

It was another away mission where Spock had stayed behind. This time it hadn’t been the captain’s choice, but the alien being who had taken the captain, Chekov, and Mr. Scott from the bridge.

One minute they had been heading at warp speed and the next thing a giant hand had stopped the Enterprise. It appeared to be a hand, but Spock had scanned it and determined it was some sort of energy field. Than a man’s face had appeared on the view screen demanding they worship him and calling himself Apollo. And then Kirk and the others had disappeared from the ship.

 He had, of course, not panicked. Vulcans did not. But he could admit to himself that he felt apprehensive. They’d been unable to reach the captain at first. But Spock did what was needed from him. He figured out how to get past the energy field and restore communications.

“Spock to Captain Kirk.”

“Mr. Spock, this is Ensign Chekov.”

“Where is the captain?”

There was a long pause. Then, “He is not conscious.”

Spock’s heart stuttered in his side. “What has happened to Captain Kirk?”

“Apollo attacked him vhen he was protecting Mr. Scott.” Another pause. “He is wery bad.”

He needed to beam the captain back up for medical attention, but first he had to disable the force field surrounding the planet. So Spock concentrated on taking out the force field and therefore Apollo. If he focused on Kirk, Spock was afraid he would not be able to function.

When he was finally able to see them beamed up, Spock waited in the transporter room with Dr. McCoy. They were both silent and tense.

Spock nearly stopped breathing when Kirk appeared. He was lying on his back being cradled by Mr. Scott, who was covered in blood. The captain’s blood. And the captain was a pale, sickly white.

McCoy was on the transporter pad in a flash, but his expression was very grim. “Jesus, kid,” he mumbled.

“Get me Spock,” the captain gasped out.

Spock knelt beside him. His skin was cold and clammy, his blue eyes glazed. Spock grabbed his hand. “Captain.”

“Spock, I-I don’t th-think I’m going to make it.”

There was blood everywhere and Spock spotted a gaping wound in Kirk’s side. “You will not speak like that.”

“I-I just want—”

“We have to get him to medbay,” McCoy said.

Kirk’s eyes began to close.

“Stay with us, Jim. You bastard, don’t you go anywhere,” McCoy shouted.

Spock would not let this happen. Not again. Not now. He did not want to have to do a mind-meld with Kirk. The last one had been difficult because he had wanted to stay in the captain’s mind. There was something particularly engaging about Kirk’s mind. He had not experienced it with any other mind-meld he’d done. But if he were to save the captain, he needed to keep him focused.

“Doctor, I am going to meld with the captain. You must not break the meld while you take him to medbay.”

“What—”

“There is no time for questions, doctor.” Spock touched Kirk’s face. “My mind to your mind, my thought to your thoughts.”

_Jim, Jim, are you there?_

_Spock?_

_Yes._

_I’m so tired._

_You must fight the weariness. I need for you to stay here with me. Can you do that?_

_I-I don’t know._

_Jim, it is not time for you to die. You cannot leave me._

_Maybe it’s time._

_No. It is not. It is never time. We have years together._

_Together?_

_Yes, Jim. Remember, we are friends._

_Oh. Right. Friends._

_We are a team._

_I’m tired of being alone._

_You are not alone._

_I am alone. Always alone. Always have been, always will be._

_No, Jim, I am here. I am with you._

_No, Spock. You are with Uhura. It’s not me you love. It won’t ever be me._

_Jim, stop. You cannot leave me._

_Tired._

_JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK._

_Are you yelling at me?_

_Vulcans do not yell. You are being selfish. The crew needs you._

_They do?_

_They need their captain._

_You can be their captain._

_No. You are a better captain than I am, Jim. You are the captain. They need you._

_But—_

_I need you. Please._

_Spock._

Spock woke to the sound of instruments. He blinked several times and realized he was lying in a biobed.

He sat up, looking around. In the biobed next to him lay the captain. No one else was around. Spock got out of the bed, and went to Kirk’s. He was breathing, so Spock could breathe too.

Spock reached out to run his fingers over the captain’s face. He had to touch him, just to be certain he really was still there.  His skin was cool to Spock’s touch but something in Spock’s mind jumped at the contact. It had been like this for a while whenever they touched. Spock did not understand it but it was getting stronger whatever it was. And then there was what he had learned from Jim’s mind.

Kirk’s eyes fluttered open but Spock did not move his fingers. The captain’s blue eyes were deep and intense as they focused on Spock. He could only stare.

The captain licked his lips. “Hey, Spock.”

“Jim, I am gratified to see you are alive. I feared otherwise.”

“Yeah? I’m sorry. Apollo would have killed Scotty. I couldn’t allow that.”

Spock’s throat tightened. “I know you would give your life for your crew.”

Kirk nodded. “Yes.”

“It was…close this time.”

“Bones told me. He said you did a mind-meld with me and then collapsed. I hope it didn’t hurt you.”

“No, you did not. It was…confusing.”

Kirk swallowed. “Ah, yeah? Um. Well. I guess I have a lot of strange thoughts.”

“You have an extremely compelling mind. Right now, though, I must insist that you rest.” He removed his fingers from his captain’s skin, though, still with reluctance.  Spock brushed his hand over Kirk’s and then left him to sleep.

****

A few days later, Jim found himself in a cozy little cottage on New Vulcan sipping tea at Ambassador Spock’s kitchen bar counter.

“This tea is not so bad,” Jim said.

“You sound surprised.”

“Well, I’ve seen some of the stuff Spock eats and drinks.” Jim bit his lip. “Um. You. Him. God, I’m getting a headache.”

The elder Spock’s crinkled at the corners. “It is a bit of an oddity for me as well.”

“Is it like having him alive again? Your James Kirk. Even a little?”

“Yes. Very much so. I have told you, you are very much like him.”

Jim sighed. “I’d like to believe that. How is it living here? Is it weird being in a whole other timeline?”

Ambassador Spock nodded. “I am getting used to it. It helps to keep occupied with building New Vulcan.”

“Yeah, I imagine.”

“And you? How are you handling Spock bonding with Lieutenant Uhura?”

He’d had a feeling the ambassador would bring it up. “Yeah, it’s okay. I mean I’m happy for them.”

“Jim.”

“What?”

“I did tell you I know you. I am aware of your regard for Spock.”

Jim looked away from the all-knowing Vulcan. “It doesn’t matter. We’re just friends and he doesn’t love me. Not in that way anyway.”

“Perhaps if you would—”

“Can we talk about something else?”

“As you wish.”

“So, what crazy Vulcan dish are you making me?”

The elder Spock raised an eyebrow. “Crazy Vulcan dish? Fascinating.”

****

Spock waited in the antechamber. Before he and Nyota could bond he needed to meet with the high priestess, T’Pau. She was a very old Vulcan and intimidated almost everyone, even Vulcans.

When Spock was a child he’d been bonded to T’Pring, as was the Vulcan custom then. He’d never been close to her, but still when she was killed when Vulcan was destroyed Spock felt the loss of the bond. No presence in his mind. He’d been instructed to set up mental shields so as not to succumb to the loss. It was difficult for adult Vulcans without a bond.

He was here to do what he had set out to do. What he had discussed with Nyota, but now Spock was uncertain. He had feelings for-for his captain. Unresolved feelings.    

The inner door opened and T’Pau stepped into the room. She was very regal and her face was as cold as stone. Spock bowed.

“Spock. It has been a long time since I have seen you.”

“T’Pau, I am honored to be given audience.”

“You wish to form a bond with the human woman.”

“Yes,” he answered automatically, though his heart skipped a beat.

She nodded. “I need to touch your mind.” Her long bony fingers formed on his psi-points. “My mind to your mind. My thoughts to your thoughts.”

T’Pau stepped back almost instantly and her eyes pierced him. “Spock.”

“What is it?”

“I cannot grant thee permission to bond with the human female.”

Spock blinked. “May I query as to why?”

“You are already bonded.”

He shook his head. “No. T’Pring was killed when Vulcan was destroyed.”

“The bond is not with T’Pring.” Her stare was hard. “Lower your shields Spock and you will know.”

His brows furrowed, Spock did as T’Pau said. He closed his eyes and lowered the shields he’d set up in his mind after Vulcan’s destruction.

A rush of warmth flowed through his mind, light and heat and the presence of a brilliant, sparkling mind. Passion so deep Spock caught his breath. And loneliness. Desperate loneliness.

And… _Jim_.

He opened his eyes. “How is this possible? My…my captain and I did not bond.”

“It would seem that you have. There is precedence for this, Spock. It is rare, but there have been one or two in our history where very compatible minds form a bond when they have been connected. _Telsu_.”

“I do not understand.”

“Have you heard of T’hy’la?”

Spock barely held back a gasp. “Jim and I are T’hy’la?”

“If you search your mind you will find the answers you seek.”

“I am conflicted,” Spock admitted. He felt a little queasy.

“You do not wish to hurt the girl.”

“No, I do not. But…this bond…I find that I want to have it.”

“The bond of T’hy’la is difficult to break. It is not impossible but it would cause you and your bondmate great pain.”

He shook his head. “I cannot think of that right now. Any of it. This is…too much.”

“I understand. I will leave you now. If you wish to have your bond blessed you will contact me.”

Spock nodded and raised his hand. “Live long and prosper.”

****

It should not be a surprise to Spock that he would end up here at the ambassador’s home on New Vulcan. This day had been one of the strangest of Spock’s life.

Jim his bondmate. So many things made sense now, so many things were still a paradox. And Nyota…what was he to do about her?

Now he wished to know just what the relationship between the ambassador and his James Kirk was.

The ambassador seemed surprised to see him as he opened the door to him. “Spock! This has been quite the day.”

“Ambassador?”

“Jim left here less than half an hour ago.”

Spock stiffened. “Jim? _My_ Jim?”

The old Vulcan’s eyes crinkled in amusement. “Your Jim, yes. We dined together.”

“You—”

“You are aware of our friendship, Spock. Tea?”

Spock resisted grinding his teeth. “Yes. I was aware that you played chess and sometimes communicated. I was not aware that he was coming here for dinner with you.”

The ambassador shrugged. “We arranged it when I learned he was coming to New Vulcan.”

“You are aware that this James Kirk is mi— _my_ captain.”

“Of course. I am quite aware that this is not my Jim, Spock. But spending time with him comforts me. I refuse to give that up merely because of your possessive nature.”

“I am not…possessive.”

“I know you very well, Spock,” the ambassador said. “May I assume you are here because you will not be bonding with Nyota Uhura?”

“You knew of that too?”

“Jim told me.”

“The bond is why I am here.” Spock took the tea the ambassador gave him. “May I ask a personal query?”

“Yes.”

“What…what was the status of your friendship with James Kirk. In your timeline.”

“You are asking if we were T’hy’la.”

Spock nodded.

The ambassador sighed. “You must understand that Jim and I did not meet as soon as you and your Jim did. He did not make captain until much older than the Jim in this timeline. We were close friends, but as our friendship began to change to something more I decided to undertake Kolinahr.”

Spock could not hide his shock. “The purge of all emotions?”

“Quite. I feared my emotions and the loss of control where they concerned Jim. That time was difficult for us both.”

“Did you ever formally bond?” Spock had to know.

“Yes. But by the time we had, my years with Jim were very brief. I have many regrets, despite the Vulcan teachings that regrets are illogical.”

“I do not know what to do. Jim did not choose to bond with me.”

“In a manner of speaking he did. His mind sought yours as yours sought his.”

“He has feelings for me.”

The ambassador nodded.

“And Nyota. I-I care for her. I do not know what to do.”

“There is a way to break the bond,” the ambassador said with hesitation.

Spock shook his head. The very thought made him ache all over. “No. No. I do not wish to do that. The thought of that…no.” He blew out a breath. “I must meditate.”

“You will make the right decision, Spock.”

He nodded. “Yes. I know what it is. I am just conflicted.”

“We will meditate together.”

 


	8. A Change In Status or I Am Sorry Nyota

Spock knew he could not delay this. It would not be fair to Nyota. None of this was fair to her. Nevertheless, Spock was no coward and she deserved his consideration.

He pressed the button outside her quarters and stood outside waiting.

“Yes?” her soft voice answered.

“Nyota, it is me.”

The door opened and he stepped through. He’d spent several hours meditating. He knew what he…who he had to choose, but it did not make it easier. In fact Spock thought it would be one of the most difficult tasks he would ever have to do.

“Spock, you are back from New Vulcan sooner than I expected.” She greeted him with a smile and came to give him a kiss.

Spock allowed the kiss, but then took a step back. “Nyota, we need to talk.”

She studied his face. “Something’s wrong.”

“Yes. I would like to say otherwise, but I find I cannot.”

“Okay. Can we sit?” She gestured to two chairs she had set up near her bed. They’d often shared meals in those chairs.

When they were seated, Spock paused. He was not sure how to do this. He had never had to do this with anyone before.

"Is it the bond?” she finally asked.

He nodded. “We…we cannot bond, Nyota.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I know. I have found that I already have a bond.”

“You-you what? You are already bonded?”

“I did not know until I met with the high priestess. Nyota, I would never have discussed being bonded with you if I had known. I did not wish to hurt you. Ever.”

She appeared shocked. “Who? Is she a Vulcan?”

“No.”

“A human?”

“Yes, my bondmate is a human,” he said carefully.

“But who is she? You haven’t been with any other woman since you and I began dating. I know you haven’t.” She shook her head and then suddenly her eyes went wide. “Wait…it isn’t a woman, is it?”

Spock could not quite meet her eyes. “No, Nyota.”

She gasped. “It’s Kirk, isn’t it?”

His startled gaze flew to her. “How-how did you know?”

“I just do. Oh, my God. The way you two are with each other. The shared looks. The way he smiles at you. The way you finish each other’s thoughts. What a great team you are. I can’t believe it took me this long to realize.”

“I did not realize myself,” Spock admitted.

Her dark eyes were sad. “I don’t know what to say. I love you, Spock. That certainly hasn’t changed.”

He nodded. “I am sorry, Nyota. I care for you a great deal.”

“And Kirk? Do you care a great deal for him?”

Spock was not sure exactly what his feelings were for his captain, but caring was definitely a large part of them. “Yes.”

“Oh, Spock.” Her eyes welled with tears. “I should hate you for this. For breaking my heart. But I can’t hate you. Or even really be mad at you.

”“Nyota—”

“I need some time to be alone, Spock.”

He stood uncertainly. Spock thought he should probably stay, because Nyota was upset. But she also told him to leave.

“If you are certain.”

“Yes. Go.”

He opened his mouth to once more say he was sorry, and then decided Nyota might not appreciate it. He left her quarters without another word.

****

Spock did not know what to do about his captain. His bondmate. He would have to tell Jim he had not bonded with Nyota, because Jim would ask. But he was not ready to divulge any other information. Was not ready to yet deal with the conflicting emotions inside him.

Spock made his way to the place he was most comfortable on the ship, the bridge. He stiffened when he saw Jim in the captain’s chair, his blond head bent over a PADD. Next to him stood Yeoman Rand.

He took his seat, but was immediately stricken with a new awareness of Jim. This one in his mind. He was reminded of the red, throbbing threads he’d come across when he touched Jim’s mind during his headache and he wondered now if those threads were part of their bond. There was so much he still had to learn and he made a note to ask his counterpart more questions.

Spock had not raised his shields since T’Pau had advised him to lower them, and now that he was near the captain, Jim’s presence buzzed warmly in the back of his mind. It was…a comfort.

Jim suddenly lowered his PADD, and turned his head to look at Spock. He smiled and Spock’s heart constricted. If Spock were honest he’d always found his captain’s smile illogically pleasing. Jim handed the PADD back to Rand and then stood up and came over to Spock’s station.

“Hey, Spock. I didn’t expect to see you back on the bridge so soon.” He leaned against the station next to Spock. “When is your bonding with Uhura?”

“Captain, it is a private matter.”

Jim’s eyes clouded over with something Spock thought might be hurt. The bond in back of his head throbbed. “Oh. Um. Right. Okay.”

Spock stopped Jim from moving away with a hand on the captain’s arm. The touch sent warmth flowing through him. “Jim, forgive me. I am not myself.”

He nodded. “All right.”

“Nyota and I will…not be completing the Vulcan bonding ceremony,” Spock explained. He paused. “We have…ended our relationship.”

Jim’s eyes went wider than Spock had ever seen them. He opened his mouth, and then shut it. Then, “Oh. Well, I…I’m not really sure what to say. I’m a little confused.”

“As am I, Captain.” Spock inclined his head. “It is very personal.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, I totally get that. If you need to talk, though, just let me know. And Spock, it’s Jim.”

“Yes, Jim.”  
 


	9. Diplomacy on Omega Citron

Jim hated diplomatic missions. He was good at diplomacy. Or had become pretty good over the last year or so. He knew how to bullshit with the best of them, but he hadn’t learned to like it any better.

Omega Citron was supposed to be one of those routine diplomatic missions which he’d begun to dread. His smiling muscles would get quite the workout. But it was all part of being a starship captain. Seeking out new life and boldly going. He knew the drill and accepted it.

The leaders of Omega Citron were meeting with the leaders of a rebel faction who basically wanted to install a new government. The negotiations were expected to be tense and difficult, but they were not expected to be violent.

But Jim should have known since the universe liked to fuck with him.

They were only two hours into the negotiations when the room erupted with a loud explosion. Jim ducked under the table and then crawled out, rising, wishing he’d brought a damn phaser with him. Diplomatic mission his ass.

The rebels started pointing guns at everyone and then the leader of the rebels, a giant man bulging with excessive muscles grabbed Spock.

“No. Spock!” Jim was going to fuck this asshole up bad.

The guy held a gun to Spock’s head. “We’re going to take him hostage until we make sure the negotiations go our way.”

Jim stepped forward. “Take me instead.”

“What?” There was a sharp intake from Spock.

He ignored Spock. “I’m his commanding officer. The captain of a Federation starship. Take me.”

“No,” Spock protested, but the rebel was already tossing Spock aside and seizing Jim.

The phaser was pushed into Jim’s temple. One of the Omega Citron leaders made to move on the rebel who held Jim, but the rebel shot him. Jim briefly broke the hold on him and went to neck chop the leader but instead Jim was cold-cocked with the phaser. Excruciating pain shot through his head bringing Jim to his knees.

The rebel leader pulled him up by his hair. “Try that again, asshole, and you’re dead.” He pulled out a communication device. “Beam us out.”

The last thing Jim saw was Spock moving toward them and he was yelling, “Captain!” and then their bodies de-materialized.

****

It was funny, Jim decided, to end up in some tiny cell somewhere on Omega Citron. Fucking universe.

He could barely move the cell was so small. Not that he wanted to move much anyway. He had a splitting headache. Probably would die of his head injury. Of course.

Jim had been told they didn’t intend to kill him. They just wanted to overthrow the current government and had decided negotiations were for suckers. Or some such shit. He’d been barely listening because he was pissed that they had dared to try to take Spock. Over Jim’s dying body. His vision blurred. Oh yeah, that head injury was bad. And these dumb fucks were too dumb to even have anyone treat it. Pretty soon whoever was monitoring his frequencies would soon see, _terminated_.

The Federation wouldn’t give in. They didn’t give into terrorists which is what these assholes essentially were. So Jim figured his options were limited.

Either the rebels would give up and release him. Fat chance that one. The rebels would continue fighting for years to come and he’d be stuck in this cell on Omega Citron for the next twenty fucking years of his life, probably grow a long scraggly beard, that option totally sucked. They’d shoot him, which he definitely didn’t like, or, he’d die of his head injury. He suspected this was the most likely scenario.

Would his mother mourn him? Yeah, she would. Maybe the ambassador would too. Jim thought he would. Bones, yeah. Scotty! He would. He was upset when Jim died before. His bridge crew, probably. They all seemed to like him well enough except maybe Lieutenant Uhura.

And Spock. He’d care.

Damn his head hurt. Was it supposed to hurt this much?

_Spock_.

He missed that stupid Vulcan. Okay, well Spock was far from stupid but Jim could allow himself a tiny bit of petulance now and again. And what the hell happened on New Vulcan anyway? One minute Spock and Uhura were going to play house together and then they weren’t a couple at all?

  
_Ouch_. Okay. That fucking hurt…thinking. Too deep a subject with his mashed in head. But didn’t he have to stay awake or something?

He guessed he should be grateful he wasn’t being held by Klingons. He’s heard they tortured their prisoners. Jim figured he was a pretty tough fucker but he still didn’t want to face that.

Or what was that stupid slug thing they put down Pike’s throat to make him talk?

  
_Ugh, ugh, ugh. No stop thinking_.

When was the last time he got laid? Hmm. Well there was…no, actually he hadn’t then. On Elyria VI there was that…no, not her either. Fuck, it was Gary. That was his last time and how fucked up was that? He’d let Gary treat him like shit, beat him, abuse him. Just because he was lonely. What the fuck was wrong with him anyway?

So what he was the world’s loneliest captain? He had the Enterprise and she was all he needed.

His head started buzzing and his vision blurred even more.

“Oh, shit, this isn’t good,” he said to no one.

And then there was nothing.

****

Jim’s eyes fluttered open. The first thing he saw was Bones’ bent head.

“Hey, am I dreaming?” Jim asked. Or at least he thought he asked. The way Bones looked up, his expression all startled and confused, Jim thought maybe he’d said, “Ehh, mm I mmmm.”

“Jesus, kid.” McCoy pulled out a bright light and shone it in Jim’s eyes. He flinched. “Do you know how long you’ve been out?”

Jim waved his arms at Bones. “Get away from me with that thing. Too bright.”

Bones lowered the light. “How are you feeling?”

He licked his lips. “Water.”

“Okay, okay.” Bones disappeared and then returned a few minutes later with a cup of water. “Slowly.”

Jim nodded and drank from the cup Bones held up to his lips.

“Well to answer my own question you’ve been out for three damn days.”

“How?”

“Did you get here and off Omega Citron?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Spock. Attacked their hideout and trashed the place to find you.” Bones shook his head. “You were in pretty bad shape when he beamed up here with you.”

“How’d he know where to find me?”

“No idea. I’m just glad he did. You added more gray hairs.”

Jim smiled. “You look good with gray. It’s sexy.”

“Yeah, yeah. Just shut up and let me examine you.”

He waited until Bones was done and then said, “Okay, am I free to go?”

Bones snorted. “Hardly I want you in overnight. Tomorrow you can go back to your quarters and then the next day back to duty.”

“You really are a tough bastard. Bones, I hate medbay.”

“Quit whining or I’ll make it longer.”

"I’m Captain you know and—”

“I said no whining, Jim.” Jim opened his mouth, Bones wagged a finger. “No whining.” He closed his mouth. “That’s better. Here I’m the captain. Captain of medbay and what I says goes. You got that, Captain?”

“Yeah, okay. But can I at least have my PADD? I’m gonna be bored.”

“You had a head injury.”

Jim tapped his head. “You gotta hit me really hard to do damage to this thick skull. Come on, Bones. Just a few reports.”

Bones sighed. “All right. I’ll have Spock bring it here. I’m supposed to let him know when you’re awake anyway.”

“Great.”

Bones disappeared and a few minutes later one of the nurses, a pretty redhead, came over to his bed.

Jim smiled. “Oh, hi.”

“Hello, Captain. Dr. McCoy said to help adjust your bed so you could sit up.”

“Yeah, that would be great. Thank you, Nurse…”

"Miller. Maureen Miller, Captain,” she said returning his smile while she fixed his bed and arranged his pillows. “Would you like something else? Juice or pudding or something?”

Jim grinned. “Well, Maureen—”

“Captain,” Spock said coolly from the doorway.

“Hey. Thanks, Maureen, but I think that will be all for now.”

“Yes, Captain.” She squeezed past Spock who watched her as she went.

“You have my PADD?” Jim asked, gesturing to what Spock held.

Spock approached the bed and handed it to him. “Your status is much improved.”

“Yep. Good as new. I’m totally ready to get back on the bridge but Bones is being a hard ass.”

“You had a severe concussion. You are quite fortunate you had no brain damage.”

“I doubt my brain could be any more damaged than it already is.”

Spock straightened and pulled his shirt down. “I do not find this to be a time for jests.”

Jim sighed. “Okay, yeah. I’m sorry.” He searched Spock’s stone-cold eyes. “Are you okay? They didn’t hurt you?”

“They did not. But I wish to disclose my displeasure at your actions on Omega Citron.”

“Oh?” Jim tried to arch an eyebrow like a Vulcan but figured he was quite unsuccessful when Spock seemed unimpressed.

“I would appreciate it if you did not seek to trade your life for mine in the future.”

“Yeah, well, forget it, Commander. I’m the captain.”

“Your life is not more expendable.”

“It doesn’t matter. I’m the captain and it’s my duty to protect my crew.”

Spock shook his head. “It is the other way around.”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t see it that way.”

“You cannot answer every argument with, _I’m the captain_.”

“Yeah, I pretty much can. That’s what the extra stripe is for, Spock.” Jim folded his arms across his chest. “And furthermore I’m tired of having to explain myself. I made the decision to exchange myself and you rescued me. End of story.”

“Captain—”

“Why does everything have to be a fucking fight with you? You’re supposed to be my first officer. Can’t you just support me?”

Spock was silent for a moment. Then he said quietly, “Seeing you abducted and injured was distressing.”

Jim softened at once. “I know, Spock. I’m sorry. But I couldn’t let them take you. Not when I could prevent it. Were you in my place, wouldn’t you do the same thing?”

He nodded.

“Okay.” Jim smiled. “We’re good then, right?” Spock was close enough to touch so Jim reached out and covered Spock’s hand with his own. Instantly he was enveloped in such warmth and…relief. He blinked. “What—”

But Spock moved his hand and it was gone. “Yes, Captain. We are good.”

For at least a minute Spock stared at him, straight into Jim’s eyes like he sought something there. Spock’s dark eyes were unfathomable and Jim had no idea what the Vulcan was thinking or what he wanted, but neither could Jim look away. It was like an unknown force locked their gazes.

Finally, Spock lowered his eyes. “I must return to the bridge. I will attempt to ascertain your fitness at a later hour.”

“You’ll come back to check on me?”

Spock tilted his head to the side. “I believe I just said that.” And then he was gone. 


	10. Dinner...and a Movie

Jim had too many fucking allergies he thought for the thousandth time as he tried to decide what to order from the replicator. His choices were limited. Really limited thanks to Bones. The good doctor had collaborated with engineering to change the replicators to only allow him to order approved dishes. Approved by fucking Bones, not Jim.

When was the last time he’d had red meat anyway? Or the replicator’s fake red meat. Never mind the real stuff. He hadn't had a damn hamburger since he’d left earth.

Jim sighed and programmed baked chicken and mixed vegetables along with coffee with cream and waited for it to spit it out.

When it did he took it to a table in the mess and waited for Bones. This was their usual time and day to have dinner together. He was busy cutting his chicken and didn't notice Spock until he stopped by his table. Spock was holding a tray with what looked like a bowl of soup and a cup of tea.

“May I join you, Captain?” Spock asked, his face impassive.

“Oh.” Spock hadn't ever asked to eat with him before. “Sure. Of course.”

The Vulcan sat across from him in the spot Bones usually occupied. The soup was thick and orange.

“What the hell is that?”

“Plomeek soup. It is Vulcan.”

Jim wrinkled his nose. “It kind of stinks.”

Spock gave him a stony glare.

“So, um. Spock, you don’t usually eat with me.”

“No.”

“You usually eat with Uh—”

 _Oh, crap. Duh, Jim_.

“An-anyway, it’s nice to have you. Eating. With me. I mean.”

Spock raised his eyebrow but nodded.

Jim frowned. “Bones is usually here by now.”

“I was told to inform you that Dr. McCoy was unable to meet you due to a medical emergency.”

“An emergency? Something I should know about?”

“I do not believe so, Captain.”

“Okay.”

And then there was silence between them. Hell, Jim felt all awkward. Usually if they played chess they didn't really say much or talked about ship’s business. But eating together felt more personal. Like…well, hell, almost like a date. Of course it wasn't a date. He ate all the time with Bones and that sure as hell wasn't a date. He sighed.

“Is there a matter that causes you distress?”

“No. I just…I’m not really sure what to talk about.”

Spock nodded and then seemed to consider this. “What do you discuss with Dr. McCoy?”

“Oh. Well, sometimes his daughter. Or his bitchy ex.”

“Since I do not have offspring or an ex-partner of the female canine persuasion I do see your dilemma.”

Jim laughed. “You know, you’re funny.”

Spock inclined his head but there was a little lightness to his dark eyes. “Is there no other topic of discussion between you?”

“Well.” Jim hesitated. “Sometimes women. And, well, men, too, I guess.”

“You discuss your paramours?”

“Yeah, pretty much.”

Spock nodded again. “That must be a long conversation as you have had many to discuss.”

He rolled his eyes. “Not that many. Really. Well. You know, some of it’s exaggerated.”

“Is it?”

“Yes,” Jim insisted with a laugh.

“Very well. If that is generally the direction your conversation goes, I would like to discuss one of your presumed paramours specifically.”

“Oh?” Jim asked warily.

Spock picked up his teacup. “Gary Mitchell.”

Jim knew his face had to close off. It was like he could feel it doing it. His expression felt blank. But he kept his voice calm. “What about him?”

“You dated him your first year in the Starfleet academy?”

“I wouldn't call it dating. We didn't have dinner together or even go to the movies. We were friends who…”

“Sometimes copulated?”

“Yeah, like I said before. No romantic interest.” Jim sighed. “Usually when I was feeling bad about myself anyway.” God, had he just admitted that _Spock_ of all people? Um…Vulcans.

“Clarify.”

“Gary liked to treat me like his bitch during sex,” Jim said, then winced. Again, he should be shutting up.

“He abused you?”

Jim nodded.

“And recently when you copulated with him on Zaria III, he hurt you. He physically assaulted you.”

“Well, like I said before, it wasn't really against my will, Spock. Sometimes I make bad choices and Gary was one of them.”

“And yet you mourned his death.” Which Spock clearly thought completely illogical. Jim would have to agree to a point.

“When we weren't fucking, Gary was a good friend. He was just a lousy bed partner.”

“Perhaps you need someone who is both a good friend and someone who is compatible in bed,” Spock said softly

Jim nodded. “That’s a total understatement.”

Spock was silent for only a moment. His dark eyes assessed Jim and he wondered if the Vulcan found him somehow lacking. “Was there a particular reason you spent your evening in Gary Mitchell’s company that night on Zaria III?”

Jim had really hoped they were done with this conversation. But apparently they weren't quite done. “I was alone.”

“Dr. McCoy was with you.”

“Yeah. But, I was alone. Or lonely. I've been alone, really, since I became captain. Everyone changes toward you when you’re in charge. You never get invited just because they like you, they invite you because you’re their captain and they think they have to. I accept it, Spock, it comes with the job. But sometimes, I don’t want to be Captain Kirk. I just want to be Jim. And that night Gary offered that to me.” Jim shrugged. “It was a mistake, but that’s why.” 

His first officer did not respond to that but Jim figured he understood what he was trying to say and he was just glad that the conversation seemed over finally.

Spock finished his soup and then looked at Jim’s plate. “You did not finish your poultry.”

“Yeah, I’m not especially into eating fucking chicken for the tenth day in a row.” Jim grinned. “I’d kill for a hamburger.”

“It would be illogical to end someone’s life merely so you may eat an animal product,” Spock said completely serious.

Jim sighed. “I suppose. I still want one. I’d even settled for the crappy one the replicator produces.”

Spock raised an eyebrow and then stood. He walked away from their table and Jim watched him in total confusion. Then Spock turned from the replicator holding a plate with a hamburger on it. He came back to their table and set it in front of Jim.

“Oh, my God, I love you,” Jim exclaimed, and then tried to kick himself. Geez, _shut up_.

“I do not believe your undying affection is needed for such a minor matter, but I appreciate the sentiment,” Spock said, once more picking up his tea. “Do not expect me to make a habit of obtaining illegal food products for you, Captain.”

Jim took a huge bite. “It’s not illegal,” he said around a mouthful.

“Captain, please concentrate on eating your animal product without comment.”

He shrugged and quickly finished off the burger. For fake food it had been remarkably satisfying. “Oh, thank God. That was great.”

“I am gratified to hear you think so.”

“Anyway, as I was saying hamburgers are not illegal.”

“For you, they are.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Bones is a tyrant.”

“He cares about your health, Jim. However, I do not see the harm in allowing you to have this treat this time.”

“Well, at least you’re reasonable.” Jim frowned. “Why are you being reasonable? Wait, am I dying or something?”

Spock’s look was one of exasperation. Well, Vulcan exasperation, anyway. “No, Captain. And may I say if you do not cease this illogical behavior I will regret allowing you to have the animal product.”

He laughed. “Okay. Somebody’s grumpy. And I know why.”

Spock’s eyebrow shot up. “Why?”

Jim gestured to his bowl. “Who wouldn't be grumpy eating that smelly orange soup?” And then he laughed when Spock looked almost murderous. “You really are funny. How come no one knows it?”

Spock ignored him for a few minutes during which he quietly sipped his tea. He put down the empty cup. “If you have no prior engagement, I thought if you would be amenable you could come to my quarters to watch an old earth film.”

“A what?”

“I have obtained a copy of an earth film I thought you might enjoy. If you have other plans—”

Jim blinked. “No. I…don’t. I don’t think you’ve ever invited me to spend time in your quarters.” It was pretty surprising but then maybe Spock needed company since his breakup with Uhura. “But sure, yeah.”

Spock nodded. “If you are ready?”

****

“Do you mind if I remove my uniform shirt? It’s like a blast furnace in here,” Jim protested after he’d been in Spock’s quarters for about five minutes.

It was about what he expected. Neat, orderly, and with a few Vulcan touches like some weird statue thing that seemed to hold incense.

“Whatever will make you comfortable, Captain,” Spock said. “I can lower the room temperature for your comfort.”

Jim pulled off his gold shirt. “I don’t want to trouble you.”

“It is of no consequence.” Spock adjusted the temperature at his computer terminal.

Jim looked around awkwardly. “Uh, so, um, where do you want me? To sit. Where do you want me to sit?” Okay, he really hoped he wasn’t blushing. But geez, why did this almost feel like a date? Dinner and a movie. That’s why. A date with Spock? No, way. Jim wasn’t sure what Spock was thinking but he knew _that_ wasn't it.

“You may sit there, Captain.” Spock pointed to a chair he’d moved in front of his desk where his terminal sat. Spock sat in the desk chair next to him.

“I really didn't think you allowed anyone in your quarters.” Except Uhura, he added to himself. “All that privacy shit.”

Spock nodded but he did not look at him. “I do not allow anyone in my quarters. But you are welcome.”

“Oh.” Jim licked his lips. “Okay. So, um, what are we seeing?”

”I believe it is professed to be some sort of attempt at humor,” Spock said. “I find the humor that is enjoyed by humans to be somewhat inane, but I thought it might appeal to you.”

Was he just insulted somehow? Called inane? Or that he enjoyed inane humor? Um, pretty sure, yeah, he was.

When the movie was over, Jim had to admit he’d laughed a few times. More than a few times. And when he glanced over at Spock, the Vulcan was watching him. He wondered for how long.

“So I gather you did find the humor entertaining?”

“Yeah, but you were right. It was pretty inane. I’m not sure I agree that all human humor is, though.”

“As long as you enjoyed the experience, I am gratified,” Spock said.

“Well, I did. Thanks, Spock.” Jim stood and stretched, his undershirt rising above to expose his belly. And Spock was looking there, too. Weird. “Anyway, I should be going. I am sure you have meditating to do and God knows I should probably at least pretend to sleep.”

Spock followed him as he grabbed up his discarded command shirt. “You have trouble sleeping?”

“Yeah, it’s part of that universe fucking I told you about. I’ve suffered from insomnia for years.” Jim shrugged and pointed to his head. “It’s hard to turn this thing off.”

Jim walked to the door and then turned to face Spock with a smile. “Thanks again, Spock. I had a nice evening.”

Spock merely nodded and as Jim made his way back to his own quarters he still couldn't shake the idea that it had been some sort of date.     

 

 


	11. How Can It All Go So Wrong

“Would you be amenable to joining me later on the observation deck?” Spock asked Jim as they exited the transporter room after having beamed aboard the Enterprise after a successful away mission.

Jim’s steps faltered. “Excuse me?”

Spock had been given to understand that humans enjoyed being courted. He established this through both research and his prior relationship with Nyota. He was not very good at it, but he had decided to try and improve.

He had ascertained that Jim might be more agreeable to learning of their bond if Spock showed Jim his mutual interest in their relationship. Spock knew from their last mind-meld that Jim had some tender feelings for Spock, but he suspected that Jim was reluctant to reveal them. At first likely because of Spock’s relationship with Nyota. But now, Spock did not know why Jim did not act on his interest.

Spock straightened and clenched his hands behind his back. “I thought it an agreeable location for conversing, however, if you would find another location more appealing I am open to alternatives.”

Jim shot him a look like he thought Spock belonged in medbay. “Conversing?”

He inclined his head. “If agreeable.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “You want to talk about personal matters.”

Spock hesitated. “Affirmative.”

“Yeah, the observation deck should be fine. I’m sure we can find an area where no one will disturb us.”

“Indeed. 2200 hours?”

“Sure, sure. That sounds fine. I’m going to go take a shower and change uniforms. I got alien blood all over me. You have the con.”

****

At the appointed time, Spock noted that Jim had still not arrived at the Observation deck. Of course, Spock had arrived five point three minutes early, but it was now 2203.

The captain had given no indication when Spock had last seen him on the bridge that he would not keep their arrangement, so he tried not to become impatient.

It was 2206 before Jim appeared wearing only his uniform pants and his black regulation undershirt. He was smiling and therefore Spock felt his irritation slip away. He suspected that Jim used that smile as a weapon on many occasions and in the past Spock had thought himself to be immune. He had miscalculated.

“Sorry I’m late. Got a Starfleet transmission as I was leaving my quarters.”

“Is there an incident?”

“No, no, nothing like that. Routine stuff. So, you have a favorite place?”

“The room you preferred on our prior occasion here is agreeable.”

Jim nodded and led the way to the secluded room with all glass walls and ceilings. He made no move to secure the door, so Spock saw to it himself.

“You first,” Jim said, indicating the floor against the wall.

Spock sat and leaned against it and then his captain sat next to him but with several feet between them. Spock moved closer until they were side by side.

“How do you say it?” Jim asked. “You are distressed?”

“Captain?”

Jim shrugged. “You want to talk about Uhura, right? I know things have to be pretty tense between you two.”

“Affirmative, but—”

“Hey, I’m not unobservant. I see the looks that pass between you. Obviously you both still have feelings for each other.”

“It is true that I still care for Nyota.”

He nodded. “I figured. Are you sure it’s really over, Spock? Maybe you can work things out.”

Spock stared at Jim. Work things out? What? Why would Jim want him to work things out with Nyota? Spock thought—

“Relationships can be difficult.” He laughed. “Why do you think I avoid them?”

This was not going at all in Spock’s favor. He exhaled. “Captain, I do not wish to _work things out_ , as you say, with Nyota.”

“No?”

“No. My interest lies elsewhere.”

“You—what? You’re interested in someone else?”

“Affirmative. I care very much for Nyota and I hope in time we can become close friends as we once were, but our former romantic relationship will not be reestablished.”

Jim nodded, but his brows were furrowed. “Oh. Well. Okay. So you wish to pursue someone else now?”

Spock wondered if all humans were this obtuse or if he had just been bonded to the most frustrating one in the entire universe. Were he given to illogical displays of emotion, he would be tempted to neck pinch his bondmate.

“Correct,” he said, flexing his hand in case the neck pinch might be required after all. “But I will have to disagree with you when you say you are not unobservant.”

“What?” Jim smiled. “Are you trying to say I should know who you’re interested in?”

“Indeed.”

“Hmm. Is it a member of the bridge crew?”

Spock did not enjoy guessing games, but if the captain insisted. “Yes.”

“Ouch.” Jim winced. “So you are pursuing someone right in front of Uhura?”

“I would not phrase it that way.”

“Well, hell, I don’t have a clue. Unless it’s Carol. I can’t deny she is pretty hot.”

Jealousy spiked through Spock hot and ugly and he did not care for it at all. “Have you intentions of pursuing her?”

“Carol?” Jim shrugged.

“Clarify.”

“Spock, I don’t know. Is that who you’re interested in? Geez, Spock, if so just say it.”

“I am _not_ interested in Carol Marcus.”

“Well then who—”

“I am interested in you, Captain. Jim.”

“Wait…what?” And Jim’s blue eyes got impossibly wide.

Spock decided since words seemed not to be working he would try something else. He grabbed Jim by the collar of his shirt and kissed him hard.

He had never kissed a male and had not known what to expect. But to his surprise kissing Jim turned out to be highly pleasurable. His captain’s lips were just slightly chapped and very warm and soft. Not really all that different from female lips.

At first Jim returned his kiss, his lips willingly parting when Spock was about to slip his tongue inside Jim’s mouth. But then he stiffened and pushed at Spock to release him.

“Spock, what the hell? Since…since when?”

Spock shook his head, still dazed from his first kiss with his bondmate. “I do not understand the query.”

“Since when have you been interested in me? You never have been before. Have you ever been interested in _any_ man before?”

“I do not understand the relevance.”

Jim blew out a breath. “What’s really going on here, Spock? We’ve been friends and _only_ friends for over a year. You’ve been with Uhura for the entire time I’ve known you. Not once have you shown a spark of interest in me in that way.”

“As you said I was with Nyota, it would have been improper to show interest in another individual during that relationship.”

“No, that’s not it.” Jim rubbed his face.

Spock inhaled. “Jim, you and I are bonded.”

“Excuse me?” Jim shook his head rapidly. “We’re what? Is that—isn’t that like a marriage?”

“That is too simplistic, but it is essentially correct.”

“That’s bullshit.”

“What?”

“We didn’t bond, Spock. We didn’t go down to New Vulcan and bond.”

Spock nodded. “I understand your confusion. It is rare, but there have been occasions when compatible minds have spontaneously bonded. It likely occurred on Rigel V when I had to mind-meld with you. I did not learn of the bond’s existence until I was told on New Vulcan by T’Pau that it would be impossible to bond with Nyota.”

Jim’s face lost all color. “That—that’s why you broke up with Uhura? Because of me?”

“Essentially that is true as I cannot be bonded to two.”

“Jesus, Spock. I’m sorry.”

“I fail to understand the reason for your regret.”

Jim shook his head. “You accidentally bonded with me and now you can’t bond with Uhura who you love. How fucked up is that? She must hate me. You must hate me.”

“Jim—”

“How do we break it?”

Spock’s stomach flipped. “Break it?”

“Yeah. Like a divorce.”

“A divorce?” Spock knew he sounded unintelligent but he could not understand how this all went so wrong.

“Yeah, so you can bond with who you really want and love. Which isn’t me.”

“But the bond—“

Jim stood up abruptly. “I know. I bet Spock knows. I mean, you know, the other Spock. The ambassador.”

“You are going to ask the ambassador how to break your bond with me?” Spock asked, knowing his mouth hung open.

“Yeah. Don’t worry, Spock. I’ll fix this.”

And before Spock could say anything else the captain had left. 


	12. Spock Explains

_No_.

Spock would not allow this. He rose from the floor of the observation deck and made his way to the nearest turbolift.

Obviously he had miscalculated where Jim was concerned but he would not allow his captain…his bondmate…to go to his counterpart seeking to break the bond. This was between _he_ and Jim. 

He went straight to Jim’s quarters and caught up to his captain just as Jim was coding in his entry to the door.

“Spock—”

He shoved the captain into his quarters and then turned to lock the door with the captain’s highest security code.

“How’d you know my code?” Jim asked, eyes wide.

“We are bonded as I told you. I do not want to be interrupted by anyone.” Spock advanced on Jim. “I want you to sit there.” He pointed to Jim’s bed. “We have much to discuss.”

“Spock, what the hell?”

“I recognize I erred in the manner of revealing our bond, but now I am going to set to rectify it. Sit. Please.”

Jim looked like he would argue but finally went and sat on the edge of his bed.

Spock knelt before him. “It was not my intention to distress you.”

“I am not distressed,” he protested.

“Jim,” Spock said gently. “I feel it through the bond.”

“Oh.” He frowned. “So you can feel what I’m feeling?”

“If I am not shielding, yes. I am not shielding now.”

“It doesn’t work the same way with you? I can’t feel what you are feeling.”

Spock nodded. “You are not a telepath, but your mind has natural shields. Also, as a Vulcan, I naturally shield my emotions. I know you read about Vulcan bonds, but you read about the ones formed when conducted by a priestess. Like the one I had with T’Pring as a child. Our bond is not similar.”

Jim frowned but said nothing.

So Spock continued, “In order for our minds to be fully open to each other we would need to go through the bonding ceremony ourselves. A high priestess would complete the bond. Though our bond has formed it is not completed.” He took one of Jim’s hands and projected affection. “Do you feel that?”

Jim blinked. “What is that?”

“It is my regard for you. When we touch, the bond is more powerful.” He hesitated and then released Jim’s hand. “Now, Jim, you must listen.”

“Okay.”

“The bond we have does not form by accident.”

“But you said—”

“You are not listening. I said the bond formed spontaneously. It formed because it recognized we are T’hy’la.”

“What is that?”

This is where it became perhaps more difficult to explain. Spock was gratified that Jim hadn’t tried to get away from him at least and was appearing to take in what Spock was trying to say.

“I am only beginning to understand it myself,” Spock explained. “I knew of its existence in Vulcan lore, but I did not anticipate it for myself.”

“What is it?” Jim asked again, his tone sharp.

“It is all things. Brother, friend, lover, the other half of oneself. A completion.”

“So it would be two males.”

“Yes.”

Jim sighed. “Which explains why you would have never anticipated it. You are straight.”

Spock would not allow Jim to go off in another direction as he mistakenly had on the observation deck. “It appears that I am not as straight as you believe.”

“Spock—”

He grabbed Jim’s hand and projected lust and passion into their bond. “As you see I desire you.”

Jim frowned. “Can you fake that?”

The neck-pinch held appeal once more. “No, I cannot. Vulcans do not lie and certainly never through a bond.”

For a moment Jim said nothing, and then his gaze lowered to Spock’s crotch. His cock apparently decided the perusal of his bondmate was reason to perk up and he felt the strain against his briefs and regulation pants. Jim licked his lips.

Spock seized his bondmate’s arms and shook him a little. “You must cease your seduction.”

Jim’s pupil’s dilated. “Why?”

“We have not yet finished our discussion.”

“We-we haven’t?”

Spock’s irritation spiked. Only this human could push through his control so easily.

Jim rolled his eyes. “Fine. Continue.”

But it was difficult to continue because Spock could smell Jim’s arousal as well as feel it through their bond which only increased his own desires. “You are not ceasing.”

“I am, too,” Jim protested.

Spock cleared his throat. “Our bond formed spontaneously.”

“You already said that part.”

He nodded. “I wish to allay your fears that the bonding was not one of my choice. Our minds would not have sought to bond without cause. For instance, I also mind-melded with Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott on Rigel V and no bond formed. If you will recall, the mind-melds were done with them before with you.”

“Right.”

“Vulcans do not spontaneously bond with the mind of anyone they touch. Do you understand this, Jim?”

“Yes.” Jim licked his lips again.

“You are no doubt thinking you did not choose to become bonded with me, but in fact, you did. Or your mind did as it sought its other half.”

Jim’s blue eyes were dreamy. “That sounds kind of romantic.”

Spock swallowed heavily. “Indeed. You must see, therefore, that attempting to break our bond would be illogical.”

“Illogical,” Jim repeated. “Yes, I can see that now.”

“You are highly desirable,” Spock murmured. “Your mind, that is.”

“Is it my mind you want to fuck then?” And Jim gave him the sexiest smile Spock had ever seen.

Spock shook his head. “Most assuredly not. It is much lower on your person.”

“Do you think maybe now that we got all that _conversing_ out of the way we might get down to the fucking?”

“That is my desire.” Spock rose from his knees and pushed Jim down on the bed.

“Mine too,” Jim said breathlessly.

Spock could be logical and patiently tell Jim to remove his clothing. That is how he should do it, he acknowledged.

“You have ten point two seconds to remove your clothing or I will do so for you,” Spock said instead.

Jim blinked. “What?”

“You now have eight point three seconds.”

“Well, I…okay.” Jim sat up and yanked off his boots, tossing them across the room.

“You are out of time,” Spock announced.

“Spock—”

He reached down and ripped Jim’s undershirt in half and then pulled the remnants off his body.

“Hey, that was a perfectly good shirt,” Jim protested, but his pupils had blown wide. “What are you going to rip off me next?”

Spock narrowed his eyes and went for Jim’s pants. When he’d mostly shredded those he left his bondmate in only his briefs. “You are enjoying this.”

Jim grinned. “Well, duh. Savage Vulcan is hot. Is this how you get during Pon Farr?”

“You know about Pon Farr?” Spock asked, surprised.

“I read about it.”

“I do not know how I will be. But I suspect at some point we will both find out.” He yanked off the briefs rather than tear them to reveal Jim’s rather large, thick cock. Spock’s mouth watered.

“Oh, shit,” Jim gasped as Spock bent down and engulfed his cock in his mouth. “Are you-you sure you’ve never d-done this?”

Spock released Jim’s cock long enough to say, “Affirmative.” And then he drew it back inside his mouth, sucking it as deep as he could before his gag reflexes would kick in. He found the musky taste surprisingly pleasant.

“Oh, God, Spock, Spock,” Jim moaned, his hips rising to push himself deeper into Spock’s mouth. His fingers grasped Spock’s hair, tugging on the strands but rather than finding it painful, Spock found it a turn on. He growled around the cock in his mouth.

Spock added his finger to his mouth, thoroughly wetting it. Then he lifted Jim’s ass in the air and parted his cheeks, gently pushing the wet finger into the hole.

“Fuck, Spock, I’m going to—”

Spock nodded his approval and squeezed Jim’s balls, pushing his finger deeper.

And then Jim’s cock jerked and pulsed, cum shooting out of the tip and down Spock’s throat as Jim writhed on the bed beneath him. After Spock took as much of his bondmate’s cum as he could, he released Jim’s softened cock with a pop and sat back on his haunches. His own cock ached with the need to come.

“I assume you have the necessary lubricant.”

“Gah.” Jim nodded. “I—”

Spock shook his head. “Do not speak. Tell me in your mind, I will find it.”

 _Drawer. By. Bed_.

He climbed off the bed and stepped to the small chest of drawers. He found the lubricant in the top drawer. He frowned down at the pink color.

 _Strawberry flavored_.

 _Incorrigible_.

Spock knelt on the bed between Jim’s legs. Though Spock had not been with another male, he was familiar with anal sex and knew copious amounts of lubricant were required to ease the discomfort of his partner. He squeezed out a large quantity and first slathered it onto his own erection. Spock had to grit his teeth as he was over stimulated and needed to come soon or explode.

_This is weird._

_What is?_

_Watching you slick yourself and me up in my bed. You and I having sex. I never thought this would happen._

_I suspect this will be the first of many couplings._

“Gah,” Jim said out loud as Spock’s slicked fingers entered him.

“Did I injure you?”

Jim shook his head.

“I wish to be inside you.”

“I wish that too.”

Spock gripped Jim’s thighs and lifted him up so that the angle was just perfect for Spock’s cock to push in to his entrance. Jim’s channel tightened around him and he nearly came instantly. It was only with strict Vulcan control that he did not. He would not hurt Jim.

“Spock.”

“Jim?”

Jim laughed breathlessly. “You can move.”

Spock needed no other permission. He was on the edge of no control as it was. Over and over he thrust into Jim, the tightness gripping him like an erotic vise, shooting pleasure he’d never known throughout his body and mind. Pounding…pounding…pounding.

He did not bother to try a meld with his bondmate. Not this time. That would come later. Now he just wanted to give into the physical sensation of being joined with the mate that was his.

“Mine,” Spock growled.

Jim’s eyes, which had been closed, opened and focused on Spock, their gazes meeting. “Yours.”

And that was all it took for Spock to completely lose it. Frantically he rutted into Jim, his balls tightening, his cock pouring into him as Spock roared his release.

When Spock could move again—an unknown period of time—he withdrew from Jim, and then pulled him into his arms as Spock lay on his back. He ran his fingers through Jim’s hair, content to feel his human breathing against him.

Spock thought that perhaps coupling had not solved anything. They still would have to discuss their bonding and how it would go forward. How they would go forward as a bonded command team, but Spock found he could not regret it.

“I had not set out for this to be the immediate result of my courting you,” Spock told Jim.

“You were courting me?”

“I was attempting to.”

“Okay, so the dinner and movie was a date?”

Spock nodded. “I had arranged with Dr. McCoy to take his place at dinner.”

Jim leaned up Spock’s chest and looked up at him. “You mean Bones knows?”

“I did not tell him I was courting you. I merely told him that we needed to discuss some ship business and I desired a casual setting. He was agreeable.”

Jim smiled. “Well, I’ll be damned. And tonight? That was courting too?”

“I had intended it to be. My research indicated humans find stars romantic so I had anticipated an evening under the stars would be a gesture of courting. It had not occurred to me that you would seek to discuss my former relationship with Nyota.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry, Spock.”

“What are your regrets for, T’hy’la?”

“I think all that happened on the observation deck was my fault. I sort of misunderstood everything. It just never occurred to me that you wanted to court me like that.”

Spock stroked his thumb across Jim’s temple. “I did not explain well.”

“Well, you’ve probably figured out now, Spock, I’m not exactly a hearts and flowers kinda guy. I’m a get down to business kind.”

“I am gratified you are not into hearts and flowers. I had considered checking with Dr. McCoy as to what flora you would not be allergic to. Now there is no need.”

He laughed and Spock found the sound very pleasant indeed. “Definitely no need.” Jim yawned.

“You are fatigued.”

“Yeah, sex does that to me.”

“Then I request you sleep while I hold you.”

“That is a request I am very happy to oblige, Commander.”

And Spock held his captain close, gratified that he had not ruined everything with his bondmate.


	13. The Morning After and What's Wrong With Bones

Chapter 13

Jim woke up alone, which didn’t really surprise him. Spock didn’t seem the type to linger in bed for long. And he was aware Vulcans didn’t need the sleep humans did and that often Spock got his rest from meditating.

He didn’t immediately rise, preferring to let his mind catch up to the awareness of his body. He blinked several times, staring at the ceiling.

Yesterday had certainly turned into a strange day, Jim reflected. It started out like an ordinary day and became life changing. Destiny changing. Whatever. And the weirdest thing was Jim guessed he was sort of married. Engaged? Hell, he didn’t know. And all because his mind had a hard-on for Spock’s mind.

Well, and there was the hot sex, too. Jim certainly didn’t object to that part.

“You are awake.”

Jim jumped a little at the sound of Spock’s voice. He had thought his quarters were empty. Save for him, anyway.

Spock appeared from the corner of the room holding a cup of what smelled like coffee. “I have brought you the morning beverage you seem to prefer.”

Jim sat up, rubbed his eyes, and took the offered cup. ”Thanks,” he said after taking a sip. He hadn’t done many morning-afters. They were usually really painfully awkward. But he supposed comparing Spock to any of those encounters was absurd. They were not the same.

Spock, already dressed in his uniform, had taken a seat on the bed next to him. “How did you sleep?”

“I think okay. Did you stay with me all night?”

“Affirmative. You move constantly. Changing positions frequently. Your legs jumping. Arms thrashing.”

“Oh. Well, did I keep you up?”

“I did not require much rest. You have always been a man of high energy.”

Not exactly an answer, Jim realized. Hmm, maybe the awkwardness after even applied to bonded pairs.

“I should, um, get ready for shift.”

Spock nodded and rose from the bed to let him up.

Jim remembered he was naked and had a moment where he wondered if he ought to wrap the sheet around him or something, but, well, considering what they’d already done, he guessed strutting around naked in front of Spock didn’t really matter.

He went to his chest of drawers for clean briefs. “We should arrive at Darnan in a few hours. Supposed to be a peaceful mining colony.”

When Spock didn’t reply, Jim turned around and caught Spock openly staring at Jim’s ass.

“Spock, are you checking me out?”

“You have an aesthetically pleasing backside, Jim.”

“Is that Vulcan for what a cute ass you have?”

“Affirmative. However, if we are to make our shifts without tardiness, I believe I will have to exit your quarters with due haste.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah, okay. Thanks for the coffee.”

Spock hesitated. “What do you require to break your fast?”

“Nothing. I’m not hungry.”

“Jim, you need to eat. When did you last dine?”

He shrugged. “I had an apple before I met you on the observation deck.”

“Then you must have something.”

“Spock, it’s fine. I’ll eat later. I’m going to take a shower.” He walked over to where Spock stood stiff and unyielding as usual. Jim leaned over and gave him a quick kiss. “I’ll see you on the bridge.”

“Yes, Captain.”

****

“Okay, who said this was a _peaceful_ mining colony?” Jim asked, firing his phaser. He was crouched down next to Spock on one side of a three-way forked tunnel. On the other side of the tunnel were Bones and two security officers. The third tunnel was a group of very aggressive miners firing rapidly at them.

“I believe those words came from you, Captain,” Spock said, moving forward slightly past Jim to fire his own phaser.

“Fucking Starfleet,” Jim muttered. “Bones? You okay over there?”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“You should stay behind Driscoll and Latham.”

“You know I know how to fire a phaser, Jim. I went to the academy, too.”

Jim’s lips twitched. “But aren’t you a doctor not a gunner?”

“Funny,” Bones said dryly, firing his phaser.

“Captain, this could go on for hours this way,” Spock spoke from next to him.

“Yeah, I figured that out for myself. Any suggestions, Mr. Spock?”

Spock laid his hand on Jim’s arm.

_Jim, we are going to have to take a tactical risk._

_That’s what I figured too. I’m not sitting here all damn day trading phaser fire._

_Agreed. I suggest—_

_This bond thing is cool by the way. Okay, gonna go. Cover me._

_Jim, wait!_

Jim jumped from his position and started firing rapidly toward the miners. He was aware of Latham coming after him firing too and as he descended on the miners he heard screams and more phaser and fire and then he was hit and he went flying.

“Ow, fuck,” Jim groaned, coming awake. “Fuck me.”

Bones appeared over him, his expression one of extreme exasperation. “You son of a bitch. What the hell were you thinking?” He jabbed Jim with a hypospray.

“Ow! Fuck, Bones, do you have to make it worse?” His stomach rolled and there wasn’t a part of his body that didn’t scream pain.

“Where does it hurt?”

“Where doesn’t it hurt? Damn. What ran over me?”

Bones snorted. “You got thrown into a wall, you jackass.”

“Spock?”

“He’s all right. He’s handling the arrests of the rogue miners. Should be back any minute. I should warn you he’s pissed.”

Jim frowned. “Spock? Pissed? Isn’t that an emotion?”

“Yep. He’s pissed. Fortunately for you your stupid hair-brained tactic worked and the miners surrendered. After they took your ass out, though.”

“How?”

“Spock, Latham, Driscoll, and yours truly got ‘em.”

Jim groaned. “Anything broken?”

“Yeah, your arm. I’ll fuse it back together when we get you back up to the Enterprise.”

“Doctor.” Spock’s voice. Spock’s cold as ice voice. Jim swallowed.

“Speak of the devil,” Bones said, smirking. “I’m gonna go check on Latham. He got injured, too. Be back.”

Spock was soon kneeling by Jim’s side. His dark eyes did give the appearance of being furious. Sort of reminded him of the time Spock choked him.

Jim licked his lips. “Um, hey.”

Spock said nothing. Just continued to stare.

“Gonna choke me?”

“I do not find your attempt at humor appropriate,” Spock said.

“Sorry. But if it’s any consolation I really feel like hell right now.”

Spock did not respond.

“Are you, um, gonna give me the silent treatment?” Jim reached for Spock’s hand. He curled his fingers around Spock’s palm.

_Spock, I’m sorry._

_You endangered your life foolishly, Ashayam._

_Is that Vulcan for asshole?_

_No, it means beloved._

_Oh. Well. At least if you are yelling at me it’s nice you’re using an endearment._

_Vulcans do not yell_

_I just figured we needed to do something like you said._

_If you had died—_

_I didn’t._

_Never again._

_Spock._

_You must promise._

_I can’t promise that. I’m a Starfleet captain. Sometimes we have to take risks._

_Not like that. If I lose you so soon after finding you—_

_You won’t._

Spock slipped his hand from Jim’s and flipped open his communicator. “Spock to Enterprise. Standby for transport.”

“Acknowledged, Mr. Spock.”

****

“Captain’s Log—”

The chime on his quarters beeped.

“Come.”

Spock walked in and stood before Jim’s desk. “Captain.”

Jim smiled. “Commander.”

“Dr. McCoy informed me you have been released from medbay.”

“Yep. As good as new.” Jim gestured to a chair across from him. “Have a seat.”

But Spock did not take the empty seat but rather came around to Jim’s side of the desk, carefully pulled Jim out of the chair, took his place and then pulled Jim down onto his lap.

Jim laughed. “Okay, well, you can sit here too.”

Spock touched his forehead to Jim’s. “This is going to be difficult.”

“What is?”

“I have not felt this deeply before,” Spock admitted. “I loved Nyota; I still do as my friend. But this is…different.”

Jim stared into Spock’s deep brown fathomless eyes. “It is for me, too.”

“I find myself wanting to be by your side always. When I am not with you, I wonder where you are, what you are doing. I am restless until I can be near you again.”

Jim cupped Spock’s jaw. “And they say Vulcan’s aren’t romantic.”

He kissed him then, long and sweet.

The intercom beeped. “McCoy to Kirk.”

Jim closed his eyes and sighed, drawing back. He hit the button. “Kirk here.”

“Jim, can you come down to medbay?”

“Bones? What is it?”

Bones sighed. “I’ve been doing some blood tests.”

“On who?”

“Me. And there are some findings.”

Jim frowned, his heart instantly thudding harder in his chest. Spock held him tightly. “What sort of findings?”

“They’re serious. Can you come down here, Jim?”

“I’ll be right there."

 


	14. Yonada

Jim was glad Spock came with him. He didn’t ask Spock, he didn’t have to, whether because Spock knew him so well or because of the bond; Jim didn’t know and really didn’t think it mattered. Spock just walked by his side as he made his way to medbay.

When they walked in to medbay, Bones was waiting.

“Oh, good,” Bones said. “I’m glad Spock is with you. He may as well hear it.”

“Hear what?” Jim forced himself to ask.

“Can you come into my office?” Bones asked.

Jim didn’t move even though Bones had disappeared through the doorway into his office. He stood there staring after his best friend filled with dread. Something was wrong. Bones looked grim. Too grim.

Spock’s hand wrapped around his arm with aching gentleness. “Come, Jim. The doctor is waiting.”

He nodded but still didn’t move.

 _Ashayam_.

_I’m scared._

_I am here. You are not alone._

Jim took a deep breath and made himself walk into the office with Spock’s hand still on his arm.

Bones gestured to two chairs in front of his desk. Jim sat and scooted his chair a little closer to Spock’s. He was glad when Spock rested his hand over his. He needed the contact now. Jim wondered how he had gotten so dependent on the bond this fast. Hell, maybe he’d always just been dependent on Spock.

“Well, like I said, Jim, I’ve been doing some tests.”

“Why?”

‘Hadn’t been feeling right. Didn’t want to alarm anyone in case it was nothing, so I did the tests myself. Got the results. Then I checked with another doctor on staff just in case my results were false.” Bones sighed. “They weren’t.”

 _You are not alone_.

Jim swallowed as Spock squeezed his hand but otherwise sat impassive next to him. “What exactly are we talking about here, Bones?”

Bones thrust his PADD at Jim who took it and stared at it blindly. “I have Xenopolycythemia.”

“Xeno…?” Jim glanced up. “Exactly what does this mean?”

“I have a year to live, Jim. Maybe less.”

The room seemed to spin. Jim gripped the arm of the chair. “You have a…you have a…” He shook his head. “No.”

“The results have been tested and re-tested. There is no cure for Xenopolycythemia.”

Jim shook his head again. “What about Khan’s blood?”

“I don’t have any left.”

“Well, then we’ll get some.”

“Jim, we can’t just go and take his blood any old time we need it.”

“Why not?”

“Jim.” Bones sighed.

“Can you use mine? I’ve got his. Would it work?” Was he babbling? It sounded like babbling. But if this wasn’t the universe fucking with him, then what the fuck was?

“Jim, I still don’t know how you’re doing with that blood in you. And it would be diluted. With the transfusion and your subsequent injuries. The chances of it working—”

“But you could try it.”

Bones nodded. “I could. Jim, I just want you to be aware of this and that the chances are within a year I _will_ die.”

Jim’s jaw clenched. “I don’t believe in no-win scenarios.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Uhura’s voice.

“Fuck.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Jim closed his eyes.

Spock stood and walked over to the comm on the wall. “Spock here, Lieutenant. What is it?”

“Our sensors have detected missiles directed our way, sir.”

Jim was out of his chair and heading for the exit.

“We’re on our way, Lieutenant.”

They rushed toward the turbolift and were on the bridge less than a minute later.

“Keptin on the bridge,” Chekov declared as Jim made his way to his chair.

“Status report.”

“We’ve detected ballistic missiles enroot to the Enterprise, sir,” Uhura said. “Primitive in nature.

“Mr. Sulu, intercept and destroy.”

“Aye, Captain.” Sulu fired phasers at the missiles, which exploded before impact.

“Where did those missiles come from?” Jim asked.

“An asteroid, Captain,” Spock said, from his station. “Sensors detect it is large in nature.”

“An asteroid?”

“I am detecting life forms and an oxygen-based atmosphere, Captain. Unless its course is changed in less than one earth year it will collide with Daran V, a class M planet with more than four billion inhabitants.”

Jim stood. “We’re beaming onto that asteroid. Spock, you’re with me.”

****

Jim, Spock, and Bones beamed onto the asteroid. Perhaps he shouldn’t have brought Bones but just then Jim wanted to have him with him. Totally emotional reaction which Jim admitted to completely.

“The life forms are nearby, Captain, and they are humanoid,” Spock announced, studying his tricorder.

“Jim, what do you suppose those are?” Bones pointed to several metal cylinders protruding from the ground.

“Hell if I know.” And just as he was about to approach them, they rose higher from the ground to reveal armed men.

“Stop!” One of them said, pointed a large weapon directly at Jim’s chest. “You will surrender at once.”

Spock made to move toward Jim, but he quickly shook his head no. Spock stayed where he was.

The last cylinder rose and a woman with long dark hair piled high on her head emerged. “I am Natira, ruler of this planet. You are invaders of Yonada. Why are you here?”

“We come for peaceful reasons. We are explorers,” Jim replied.

“Explorers? I must check with the Oracle.” She frowned. “Take them below.”

They were taken into an underground dwelling but it appeared to have a blue sky similar to that of Earth. The guards brought them into a chamber where Natira knelt in front of a large statue wit glowing green eyes.

“Oracle, it is I, Natira.”

“What is it?” the Oracle asked in a big, booming voice.

“Strangers have come. They claim to be explorers and say they come in peace.”

“Peace? If they show themselves to be treacherous they will be dealt with harshly.”

Jim stepped forward. “Look, there is a planet called, Daran V—”

“Silence!” the Oracle screamed. “You will learn.”

Lightening flashed from the Oracle hitting Jim, Spock, and Bones. Jim lost consciousness as he fell to his knees.

****

Jim came to with Spock kneeling beside him, his hand on Jim’s face.

 _T’hy’la_.

_Are you all right?_

_I seem to have no after affects._

He blinked rapidly and sat up with Spock’s help. “Where are we?”

“Some sort of resting chamber.”

Jim noticed Bones still lying unconscious nearby. He gripped Spock’s hand. “Do you think that Oracle really hurt him?”

“He does not appear to be in any serious distress,” Spock assured him.

“I shouldn’t have brought him. I thought—I don’t know what I thought. God, I’m an idiot sometimes.”

“Self-flagellation is counter-productive.”

Jim laughed. “Yeah.” He rose completely and went to Bones. He gently laid his hand on Bones’ face. “Hey, Bones? Bones?”

His eyes fluttered open. “Jim?”

“Yeah.” Jim smiled. “It’s another fine mess I got us into.”

He sat up. “It wouldn’t be you if it were any other way.” Bones glanced at Spock. “Listen, this probably isn’t the place or time for this, but, something going on between you two you wanna tell me about?”

Jim felt himself blush. “Well, I—”

“Doctor, the captain and I are engaged in a close relationship,” Spock spoke up.

“I knew it,” Bones crowed. “Jim, after all this time of you mooning over him, why didn’t you tell me? And what about Uhura?”

“Bones!”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “Mooning over me?”

“Anyway,” Jim said, loudly. “You’re right. This isn’t the time or place. Let’s just go with Spock and I are together and we’ll get into the details later.”

The doors to the chamber opened and an old man came in carrying a tray of cutup fruit. “I have brought refreshments.”

Bones automatically took the plate and began to inspect the fruit.

The old man hesitated at the door and turned back to stare at them.

“Yes?” Jim asked.

“I have lived on Yonada all my life,” the old man said.

Exchanging a look with Spock, Jim nodded.

“When I was young, I thought it was a planet. But it is not.” He lowered his voice. “It is a hollow sphere. No one else knows, they still think it is a planet. But I climbed a mountain as a boy and I touched the sky.”

Suddenly his eyes bugged out and he clenched his chest in pain. He collapsed to the floor.

Spock immediately bent down. “He is dead.”

Jim crouched down next to him. He pointed to a glowing red patch beneath the old man’s skin on his neck. “What the hell is that?”

“I do not know.” Spock touched the spot. “It is warm.”

The doors of the chamber opened and Jim and Spock stood.

Natira appeared with two guards. She looked sad as she stared down at the old man. “The Oracle has punished him for using forbidden words.”

“What’s that under his skin?” Jim demanded.

“It is an instrument of obedience. All those on Yonada wear them,” Natira said. She watched as the guards took the old man out of the room. Then she glanced toward Bones who still rested. “You do not look well.” She went to him and knelt before him. “Are you injured?”

Bones smiled a little. “Not really. I have a sickness. The rays of your Oracle just weakened me.”

“An illness?” she asked, her face softening. “May I have your name?”

“It is Leonard. Leonard McCoy. I’m a doctor on the Starship, Enterprise. And these are my friends, Captain Jim Kirk and Commander Spock.”

Natira nodded at them but quickly returned her attention to Bones. “What is this illness, Leonard?”

Jim took Spock’s arm and led him to the side of the room. “We have to get a look at that so-called Oracle.”

“It may be possible to explore while Natira is occupied with Dr. McCoy,” Spock said.

“Exactly. Let’s go.”

And they slipped out of the chamber.

****

“You got anything?” Jim asked as they explored the Oracle chamber.

Spock was looking at books. “These seem to be some sort of ancient texts left by the descendants of the current people of Yonada, Captain. They were the Frabini. This asteroid is actually a ship created to house the Fabrinis for thousands of years.”

“Why?”

“They were about to be destroyed by a supernova. The ship was created to bring them to a new world but it appears they may be off course.” Spock glanced toward the statue. “If my theory is correct, the Oracle is the ship’s computer.”

They heard someone outside the chamber doors, so Jim pulled Spock down to hide. Natira entered and knelt before the statue.

“Oracle, I have a request to make,” she said reverently. “The man, Leonard McCoy, I wish to make him my mate.”

“What?” Jim clapped his hand over his mouth when he realized he had spoken it out loud.

Natira stood up immediately. “Who is there? Show yourselves.”

“Me and my big mouth,” Jim muttered, but as he and Spock revealed themselves the lightening flashed out from the Oracle and zapped them over and over again.

Jim fell to the ground reaching toward Spock, gasping from the excruciating pain.

“Stop!” Bones shouted as he entered the chamber. “Stop it! You’ll kill them.”

The Oracle ceased attacking them and Bones rushed to them.

Spock scooted toward Jim. “Jim?”

“’m ’okay.”

“They were hiding in here,” Natira said. “They were intruders.”

Bones shook his head. “Is this how you treat visitors? I’m having second thoughts about what we discussed.”

Natira looked crestfallen and remorseful. “No, Leonard. It is not the way. They were trespassing.”

“They were curious,” he insisted. He helped them up. “And they are my friends.”

She nodded. “If you will stay, I will allow them to return to their ship.”

“Wait, what?” Jim asked. “Stay? What the fuck is she talking about, Bones?”

“Jim, Natira has asked me to stay on Yonada. To become her husband.”

Jim’s laugh was hysterical and he knew it. “Are you crazy? You just met her. Her and her Oracle have done nothing but try to kill us. And you want to marry her?”

Bones sighed. “Jim. I know you don’t understand this. But I only have a year at most and Natira and I…well, we like each other. A lot. And I just want to spend that time with someone who will care for me. Like you and Spock care for each other. Can’t you understand that?”

“No,” Jim said. “I can’t. No. No way. I’m not letting you stay here.”

“Jim.” Spock touched his arm. “May I have a word with you?’

He gritted his teeth but allowed Spock to lead him away from Bones and Natira. They were now embracing and looking into each other’s eyes.

“What the fuck? Is she using some kind of magic thing on him?”

“He has always been a very emotional human.”

“I know, but this is ridiculous. They haven’t even slept together.”

Spock gave him a look of exasperation. “That is not the measure of one’s regard.”

“Well, it goes a hell of a long way. There’s no way he’s staying here, Spock.”

“Jim, you are being selfish and self-centered.”

“What?” Jim gaped at Spock.

“At the moment all you can see is how this will affect you. How the doctor being ill affects you. You will not have him. It’s the universe attacking you again. You will not let him. Do you hear this, Jim? Everything regarding Dr. McCoy right now centers around you. Perhaps this is something the doctor needs to do for himself.”

He blinked and lowered his gaze to the floor. “I—I don’t want to lose him.”

“I know, T’hy’la. But you must allow him to make his own decisions as to what he does with the rest of his life.”

“But he hasn’t even tried my blood or—”

“Shh.” Spock took his hand.

Jim closed his eyes, feeling raw pain burning his chest. He exhaled and went back to Bones. “Okay, Bones. If this is what you want, then you have my support.”

Bones smiled. “Thank you.” And he hugged Jim tight.

“You are being returned to your ship,” the Oracle declared.

“Leonard, will need to be implanted with the obedience device.”

“Wait a minute—“Jim began, but his particles began breaking up and he found himself and Spock back on the Enterprise. “Fuck. What about the fact that Yonada is still gonna crash into Daran V. Or that Yonada is really a space ship?”

“It would seem the Oracle did not desire for us to reveal this.”

Jim sighed and rubbed his temples. “I gotta let Starfleet know what’s going on. I need like three gallons of coffee. And maybe four weeks of straight sleep. But I’ll settle for the coffee now.” He went to the comm on the wall. “Kirk to the Bridge.”

“Bridge here, Captain,” Uhura answered immediately.

“Spock and I are back, but Dr. McCoy’s still on Yonada.”

“Sir?”

“He’s staying, Lieutenant.” Jim winced but continued, “I’ll be in my quarters contacting Starfleet. Kirk out.”

Jim knew Spock would follow him to his quarters and that was just what he wanted. It was like he couldn’t breathe just then without Spock. Irrational, yeah. Emotionally compromised, definitely. But his fucking best friend was dying and he didn’t even want to spend his last months with Jim.

As soon as the door to his quarter closed, Jim launched himself at Spock, clinging to him, fusing his lips to the Vulcan’s.

“Please, Spock,” Jim begged against his lips when they briefly parted for air. “Please. I need you.”

“Anything,” Spock said, moving them to the bed. “Anything for you.”

They undressed each other quickly and then Spock was crushing him into the mattress, their fingers stroking each other in Vulcan kisses even as their lips met frantically, breathlessly.

Spock reached for the lube and then his fingers were spreading Jim open, touching him intimately, sending jolts of pleasure everywhere through Jim.

And as Spock entered him, pushing into Jim, Spock held his fingers up to Jim’s face, seeking permission.

“Yes,” Jim said groaning even as Spock began to thrust inside him.

Spock melded with him, their minds swirling together, red hot and cool blue, dancing, hugging, warmth and light, darkness and cold, they were one.

“Spock,” Jim screamed as his release swept through him.

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered reverently as he filled Jim with his own release.


	15. Decisions

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes briefly. “Yes, Admiral. Kirk out.”

“You did expect this response,” Spock reminded his T’hy’la from the other side of his desk. “Starfleet will want Daran V safe at all costs. Even the destruction of the Yonada.”

“Spock, I can’t destroy a ship carrying Bones.”

He nodded. “I did expect that response as well. We must convince the doctor, Natira, and people of Yonada to abandon ship.”

Spock watched as his captain stood and began to pace his quarters. He did not like to see Jim so distressed when he could do little to change the course of what would occur.

“Bones can be pretty stubborn.”

“I am quite certain of that as he is as I said before a particularly emotional human. He often makes you look stoic and logical.”

Jim laughed which was the effect that Spock had desired. “I don’t want to have to force him. But I can’t let all those people die either.” He paused in his pacing. “This ship can’t handle that many extra people.”

“If we can get to the computer—the Oracle—we may be able to alter the ship’s course and then evacuation will not be necessary.”

Jim nodded. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”

“You should eat something.” Spock stood and went to the replicator.

“I’m fine.”

He shook his head. “You are not. You have not eaten in thirteen point four hours. I have noticed.”

Jim sighed. “Of course you have.”

Spock brought him a plate with a vegetable omelet on it. “I would be gratified if you ate, Jim. Do you also desire your caffeinated morning beverage?”

His captain took the food and went to sit on the edge of the bed. “Yes, thanks.”

Spock returned with coffee and tea for himself as well as a bowl of fruit. They ate in companionable silence and Spock made sure his captain ate all that was on his plate.

He had just picked up the empty plates when Jim’s communicator chirped.

“Kirk here.”

“Jim, it’s me,” Dr. McCoy said.

“Bones?”

“Listen, I found this book in the library here and it’s incredible. Their medicine is way more advanced than you would believe. I found the cure for Xenopolycythemia and—”

McCoy gasped and groaned in pain.

“Bones!” And Jim’s communicator went dead. He grimaced. “Come on. We’re going down there.”

****

When they beamed down to Yonada, they immediately made their way to the library. Natira was kneeling on the ground holding Dr. McCoy’s head in her lap.

“Bones!” Jim exclaimed rushing over. “What happened?”

“The Obedience Device,” she said, her eyes filled with tears and panic.

“Spock, get this fucking thing out of him.”

“Yes, Captain. It will take a moment.” Spock took over Natira’s spot.

Jim drew Natira over to the side. “Listen, Natira, we need to get a look at the Oracle. Yonada is not a planet or even an asteroid it’s a ship created by your people thousands of years ago to save it from a supernova. And it’s off course and headed for a planet with millions of people. If it’s not put back on course Yonada will be destroyed.”

Spock got the disc out from under McCoy’s skin. “Captain, Dr. McCoy is coming around.”

“Please, Natira. If you could—”

“I believe you, Kirk. I must seek guidance from the Oracle.”

Jim knelt next to Spock and the doctor. He grabbed McCoy’s hand. “Bones? It’s Jim. You okay?”

“Jim?” McCoy sat up. “Spock?”

“Yes, doctor. How are you feeling?”

“Like I’ve been zapped by an evil despot.”

Jim laughed. “Yeah. Listen, you’re getting off here. Did I hear you say you found a cure?”

“Yeah. Where’s Natira?”

Jim and Spock stood and Spock reached down to help McCoy stand.

“Captain, we should check on the Oracle and Natira.”

The captain nodded. “Yeah, you’re right. Let’s go.”

Natira was writhing on the ground and McCoy rushed to her. He immediately began to extract the obedience disc out of her neck.

“Captain, we need to get to the Oracle.”

Jim nodded. “Let’s do it.” They rushed behind the statue. “Spock, there, that doorway.”

The statue started to rumble and then the entire chamber began to shake.

“Captain, we must hurry.”

“That thing’s gonna shake this thing apart,” Jim said, as they tried to pry the door open. “Should I try my phaser?”

“Negative. I suspect it would have some sort of force-field to react against such a device,” Spock said. “And I have the door—” he pried it “—open.”

Spock went forward and immediately discovered a large computer. He sat before it and began to press buttons to bring it up.

“Well?” Jim demanded.

“Give me a moment, Captain.”

Jim went to the doorway looking out as the ground under them continued to violently shake. “I don’t want to get crushed by the ceiling.”

“I am aware of that.” Spock continued to work.

He worked in silence for a few minutes though through their bond Spock was aware of Jim’s extreme agitation.

“Spock?”

“T’hy’la, I am working on it,” he said, allowing just a touch of annoyance to show through.

Even as he spoke a piece of the ceiling fell off near them.

“I request that you seek somewhere safe to avoid the falling debris,” Spock said.

“I’m not leaving,” Jim returned stubbornly. “Found anything?”

“Affirmative. I have found the former course for the Yonada and can correct it. First I must turn off the Oracle before you allow it to crush your skull.”

He thought he heard Jim snort, but he had no time to see what his captain’s reaction was as he finally found what he had been seeking. He pressed a few codes until the shaking abruptly ceased.

“About time,” Jim grumbled.

Spock decided then he would be sure Jim’s backside paid for that remark later. “I have now readjusted the course of the Yonada, Captain.”

Jim smiled and leaned against the console. “Excellent work, Mr. Spock.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I do try, sir.”

****

“Jim.” Spock stopped Jim’s movement forward with a hand on his arm. His captain was losing his patience as the doctor and Natira stood together several feet out of earshot from Spock and Jim. “You promised to give them time to talk.”

“They’ve been over there for like forever.”

“Fifteen point three minutes. And they have much to talk about.”

“He’s not going to stay here is he? He’s got the cure for Xeno-Xenocly-whatever.”

“Xenopolycythemia,” Spock said automatically. “I do not know if he will stay.”

“He made a commitment to Starfleet, though. Five year mission.”

“I am aware.”

Jim gave him an exasperated look. “Well, then he can’t stay here.”

“Dr. McCoy could resign his commission and choose to stay on Yonada with Natira. It is his right.”

“I don’t care if it’s his fucking right—”

“You are becoming agitated again. If Dr. McCoy wishes to stay with his mate, Ashayam, you cannot interfere.”

“His mate?”

“Yes per the Fabrini traditions, the doctor and Natira are mated. Would you wish someone to prevent you from being with me?” Spock asked seriously.

“That’s not the same thing.”

“Logically it is the exact same thing.”

“God, Spock, do you have to be so damn logical all the time?” Jim demanded, glaring at him.

“Yes, Captain.” Spock shook his head. “You know this and have known it for more than a year.”

“You could try to be illogical just once.”

“I will try to be illogical when you try to be logical, T’hy’la.”

“Fine. You made your point.” Jim bit his lip. “She could come on the Enterprise.”

“I believe she will desire to be with her people.”

He sighed. “Yeah.”

Spock rested his hand on Jim’s arm.

_You will not be alone._

_I know._

_Do you? I will never allow you to be alone again, Ashayam._

Jim smiled, his blue eyes going very soft.

They turned as the doctor approached them. Jim stepped even closer to Spock and he wasn’t even sure that Jim realized what he was doing but Spock did and he was gratified.

“Jim,” the doctor began, “I want you to know this was a really hard decision for me.”

Spock felt Jim’s distress, but to his credit his captain’s face remained impassive.

“Of course, Bones. I know this has to be really hard for you and there is no easy choice.”

“No, there isn’t. But, after talking to Natira, I’m going to stay on the Enterprise. Natira will continue on the Yonada with her people. In four years when our mission is over, we’ll determine if we still want to be together. By then they should find the planet for them to colonize.”

Jim swallowed. “Bones, are you sure? Because I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

McCoy nodded. “I’m sure, Jim. I made an oath to make sure you survive this five year mission, and I still have four years of that left. Natira has also made an oath to ensure the welfare of her people.”

Jim went forward and gave the doctor a hug. “You’re the best, Bones. I’m so glad you’re not gonna die.”

And McCoy hugged him back. “Yeah, yeah. Me, too, kid.”

****

They were almost to the officer quarters, turning the last corridor when as they turned they came face to face with Nyota. She froze when she saw them. And stood there staring, her arms crossed over her chest.  
Jim tensed beside him. “Lieutenant.”

“Hello, Captain,” she said coolly. “Commander.”

“So, I—”

“Can you give us one moment, Nyota?” Spock asked her.

She merely nodded.

He led Jim a little distance away. Jim was looking at him in confusion. “Does she hate me?”

“I do not believe so. It is I who hurt her, Jim.”

“Maybe I should talk to her?”

“No, not now. But with your permission, I will speak to Nyota to obtain information as to her well-being. She will not be comfortable speaking about it with you.”

“You don’t need my permission, Spock.”

Spock nodded. “Not as my captain, no. But you are my bondmate and I would not wish to cause you distress.”

Jim smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah, go ahead.” He shook his head. “I hate this.”

“I know.” Spock held up two fingers for the Vulcan kiss and to his relief, Jim matched them. “I will return to you later.”

Spock turned and went back toward Nyota. “Will you speak with me, Nyota?”  
 


	16. Talking to Nyota And Sexy Times

They ended up going to Nyota’s quarters. They both wanted the conversation to be private so there were few location with which to choose. Spock did not feel entirely comfortable in Nyota’s quarters but he had felt even less so about having her in his quarters. It did not feel acceptable to have anyone in his quarters but his bondmate now.

There was always the observation deck, but Nyota’s quarters were closer and therefore logical.

“Did you want anything?” she asked him once the doors had closed and he was seated. She was all politeness and it grieved him that they had turned to this.

“No, Nyota.”

She sat across from him and stared at him for a long time in silence. “You’re completely together now, aren’t you?”

Spock was well aware of what she meant by her question. He would not pretend otherwise. If anyone else had asked something as personal as that, Spock would rebuke them.

“Yes.”

Nyota nodded, looking weary. “I thought so. There’s a softness when you look at each other. It wasn’t there before.”

He didn’t know what to say to that so he said nothing.

“You said before you cared for him. Do you love him?”

Spock did not feel comfortable discussing intimacies with anyone. Tender emotions for one’s bondmate were private and Spock wanted it to stay that way. But he felt he owed Nyota the truth. She had not deserved to be cast aside in favor of someone else.

“Yes,” Spock said softly.

“And he loves you, too, doesn’t he?”

He only nodded this time. Jim had not said the words but he felt it through their bond and the meld before that.

She was quiet for a while, staring at her hands. “I knew this would happen.”

“Nyota?”

Her smile was sad and vaguely self-mocking. “From the moment you two met, I knew, somehow. I didn’t want it to be true. But there was always something lurking there, beyond just friendship. I thought with him being such a player it wouldn’t work for you. You’ve changed him, though, Spock. And he’s done the same for you. In ways I never could.”

“I did not—”

Nyota waved her hand. “Don’t say you didn’t mean to hurt me again, Spock. I know you didn’t. And Kirk didn’t. I _know_ , Spock.”

Spock waited a few moments before saying, “Do you think it might be possible to remain friends?”

“I honestly don’t know,” she said softly. “I almost put in a request for a transfer.”

“I wish that you would not.”

“I don’t want to. I love the Enterprise. It’s the ship I’ve always been on. I love her crew. They’re friends. Hell, even you and Kirk. I don’t want to be on another ship.” She blew out a breath. “I want to be friends. With you. With him. I have a great deal of respect for both of you. And affection.”

“And I you, Nyota. We were…our minds sought each other. We are T’hy’la. Do you know of that?”

“Yes.” She smiled her sad smile. “It’s still hard, though. I had dreams and hopes, too. And now I’m forced to change them. And watch one of those dreams and hopes be happy with someone else.”

Spock nodded, but said nothing. He did not know what to say. At the moment the human emotions coming from her and his half-human side were intense and difficult to ignore. It took a lot of Vulcan control to maintain his calm.

“You’ll formally bond?”

“I wish to do so. But it may not occur for an extended period for it is unlikely we will be near New Vulcan again in the immediate future.”

“I’m sorry about that. It’s too bad you couldn’t do it when we were here before.”

“There is no hurry as our bond already exists,” Spock said. He regretted causing her to wince, but could do nothing to change her discomfort. “Nyota, you will seek me out if your thoughts turn to the idea of a transfer again?”

“Yeah, sure. I will. But I really don’t think I’m going to want to do that, Spock. I’m trying to work through this. Honest.”

Spock stood, feeling it was time. “Good night, Nyota.”

She followed him to the door and looked like she thought about giving him a hug, but then held back. “Good night.”

****

Spock was surprised to find that Jim was not in his quarters. He had a moment to realize he should not be surprised because his bondmate rarely stayed still for an extended period of time. And he did not sleep well. He checked with the bridge but the captain was not there, so Spock guessed he was likely in medbay.

He was correct in his assessment when he found him in McCoy’s office five point four minutes later. Spock was gratified to note that Jim only had a cup of tea in front of him.

“Hey,” Jim greeted him with a smile.

“Captain, doctor.”

McCoy smirked. “You’re practically married, Spock, I think you can call him, Jim.”

Jim waved his hand. “Nah, I like it when he calls me Captain in that reserved, vaguely disapproving voice. It’s hot.”

“Captain—”

He grinned. “Yeah, like that.”

The doctor snorted. “Please, I just ate. You two lovebirds.”

“Love…birds, doctor?” Spock raised an eyebrow. He turned from the doctor, deciding to ignore him. “There is a matter of importance I wish to discuss in your quarters, sir.”

“Oh, sure. We have new orders, too.” Jim stood up. “See you later, Bones.”

When they were several paces away from medbay, Jim turned to him. “Are you okay?”

“Yes, T’hy’la.”

“And Uhura?”

“it was…difficult.”

Jim shook his head. “Things are going to be awkward for a while, aren’t they?”

They reached Jim’s quarters and Jim coded in his numbers and they entered.

Spock watched as Jim went toward his terminal as though he intended to do work. “No.”

Jim froze as he was bent over the terminal entering something. “No what?”

Spock folded his arms across his chest. “No, you are not going to do reports or messages.”

“I’m not?”

Spock shook his head.

Jim smirked. “Just what did you have in mind, Mr. Spock?”

“First, I must ask a query.”

“Shoot.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Why would I shoot, Captain?”

Jim sighed. “Ask your damn question.”

“Come here.” Spock crooked his finger as he moved to the bed.

He was pleased when his captain obeyed immediately and came to stand before him. Spock grasped Jim’s buttocks in his hands and squeezed.

“Ah, geez,” Jim gasped. “I thought you had a question.”

“Mm.” Spock suddenly flung Jim onto the bed on his back. “One moment.”

Jim’s pupils blew wide and he licked his lips. “Gonna kiss me?”

“Affirmative.” And Spock did. Not just kisses. Not just deep kisses. But he devoured his captain’s lips, kissing, sucking, and biting them until they were both breathless and panting.

Spock finally pulled back to sit up enough to reach for Jim’s uniform top and undershirt. “About my query—”

Jim’s fingers slipped under the hem of Spock’s own shirts, pushing them up as his hands splayed across Spock’s abs. “You’re really gonna ask me something now?”

Spock pulled off Jim’s shirts and then took care of his own. Then he stood to yank off Jim’s boots. “Yes as it has to do with our activities.”

“Oh.” Jim started unzipping his pants. “What?”

“Regarding your activities with Mitchell—”

“What? We aren’t gonna talk about him right now, are we?”

He disposed of his own boots and uniform pants before turning his attention to his captain’s. “Not exactly. I wish to inquire if you are opposed to all such activities because of your experience with Mitchell or if was simply because of Mitchell.”

“Spock, for God’s sake, stop talking in riddles and just ask.”

Spock flipped his now naked bondmate onto his stomach. Twin perfect round globes tantalized him. He raised his hand and smacked, the slap loud in the quiet quarters.

Jim moaned and so Spock struck again. His captain wiggled but did not protest, in fact, he said, “Oh, God, Spock.”

Spock smacked him several more times, gratified by Jim’s enjoyment. He reached for the lubricant then and after slicking his erection, spread his fingers inside his lover.

He leaned over him and trapped Jim’s hands above his head, and slowly entered him. Spock drove into him again and again, holding him down, pumping him deep and hard.

“Spock, oh, please.”

Their bond hummed at their contact, coming to life in all colors, sparks seeming to ignite in Spock’s mind as Jim’s brilliant mind embraced him, welcomed him, called deep to him. Spock was drowning and he did not care.

“Ashayam,” he ground out as his orgasm overtook him.

****

“Spock,” Jim whispered, kissing Spock’s ear. “Hey. I need to get up. I’m getting commed.”

Spock felt relaxed and heavy everywhere but with effort, he moved off his captain. Jim gave him a blinding smile and then quickly pulled on his uniform. He went to his terminal while Spock began to dress.

“Kirk here.”

“Captain, Winona Kirk is hailing you. Shall I patch her through?” Nyota’s voice.

“Yes, thank you, Lieutenant.” Jim sat. “Hey, Mom. What’s up?”

“Is this a bad time?”

“No, why?”

Spock turned to look at his bondmate and noticed his hair was standing on end and he had a few bite marks on his throat. He cleared his throat and Jim frowned at him.

“Because you look like you just got out of bed after sex,” Winona Kirk said.

“Mom!”

She laughed. “She’s not still in your room, is she?”

Jim blushed. “No, there’s no woman here.”

Spock shrugged and went to stand next to Jim. His bondmate’s mother, a middle-aged but still pretty blonde woman stared at him, her eyes wide.

“Jim, is that your…first officer?”

“Affirmative, ma’am,” Spock spoke up. “I am Spock.”

“I know who you are. You didn’t tell me you had a Vulcan boyfriend,” she said with a smile.

“He’s not exactly my boyfriend,” Jim said, glancing up at Spock.

“What? Well, why—”

“We are bondmates,” Jim said. “Um, Vulcans have bonds and—”

“I know that, Jim,” she said sharply. “You bonded with Mr. Spock and didn’t think to tell me.”

“It wasn’t…isn’t a formal bond. Our minds linked to each other because we were—” Jim glanced up at Spock. “What was that word again?”

“Telsu.”

Jim’s mother frowned. “I’m not sure what any of that means. But how long have you known?”

“Not long. I was going to tell you, Mom. Things have gone a little crazy around here. As usual.” Jim smiled. “I wouldn’t go through a formal ceremony without you there.”

That seemed to placate her because she smiled, a similar smile to her son. “All right then. I’m happy for you. If this is what you want. Which judging by your appearance—”

“Mom!”

She laughed again. “I won’t keep you. I just wanted to see if you’re all right. It was time for me to check in with you.”

“I’m fine. And you?”

“Very good. I’ll talk to you again next week, okay?”

“Sure, Mom. Goodbye.”

“Goodbye, Jim. And you, too, Mr. Spock.” And the screen went blank.

Spock looked down at his captain. “We will also have to notify Sarek.”

Jim’s eyes widened. “What? Really? Do we have to? Didn’t you tell him when you were on New Vulcan?”

“Negative. I spoke to my counterpart and then beamed back on board the Enterprise.”

“Wait. You told Spock? I mean the other Spock?”

“Yes. Apparently you chose not to advise me of your dinner arrangements with him,” Spock said, aware his tone could be mistaken for jealousy.

Jim waved that aside as though it were nothing. “Didn’t he know about you and Uhura bonding?”

“It was my intent to tell him after I had obtained T’Pau’s approval.”

“You mean you were on New Vulcan and you never went to see your father?”

Spock shrugged. “It was not required that I do so.”

Jim sighed and stood up from behind his desk. He ran his fingers through his hair in front of a mirror. “Well, maybe T’Pau already told him.”

“He would have contacted me if he knew, Jim. I will contact him and inform him if you are uncomfortable. But eventually he will want to speak with you. You are my bondmate.”

“Uh, yeah.” He wrinkled his nose. “Everyone on the bridge is totally gonna know we’ve been doing it.”

Spock just barely suppressed a sigh. “I am sure Dr. McCoy could render those invisible in the medbay.”

Jim nodded. “Great. That’s where I’m going.” He kissed Spock softly. “I sent the next mission report to your PADD. See you on the bridge.


	17. Where the Hell Are We?

“Kirk to Enterprise.”

“Spock here.”

“Hey, we’re almost done here, so we’ll be beaming up soon,” Jim said into his communicator. He winced as another bolt of lightning hit nearby. “Unfortunately, the Halkans hate us and don’t want to give up their dilithium crystals to the Federation.”

“Understood.”

“Is this storm going to interfere with the beam up?”

“The Ion storm is significant, Captain, but if you beam up within the next three point five minutes there should be no consequences.”

“Got it. Kirk out.” He plastered on his captain’s smile and headed back to where the council members sat on a platform. His landing party was made up of Bones, Scotty, and Uhura. What had possessed him to bring Spock’s ex Jim sure as hell didn’t know. _Awkward_.

“Captain Kirk, we do not hate you,” one of the Halkans spoke up. “We do not approve of your violent ways. We are a peaceful nation.”

“If you change your mind—”

“We will not.” They smiled pleasantly at them. “Thank you for coming.”

Another flash of lightening and they walked to the transport area. Jim flipped open his communicator.

“Energize.”

They began to reappear in their transporter and then Jim felt a moment of disorientation before he was back on the planet and then disappearing again. Finally they materialized.

Shaking his still woozy head, Jim stepped down. “That was one weird transport.”

Then he froze. Standing behind the controls was the transporter chief and Mister Spock. As well as several security officers. But Spock had a beard. A fucking _beard_ for God’s sake. And was wearing some sort of satin blue sleeved shirt with dozens of medals Jim didn’t recognize. The other uniforms were all wrong too.

Jim’s too, though he tried not to make it obvious he was looking down at his own self. But where the fuck were the sleeves of his shirt and what the hell was with the crisscross shirt exposing half his chest? And holy shit, was that a dagger strapped to his hip?

Every one of them lifted their arms straight out and clicked their heels together in what Jim could only guess was supposed to be a salute. Wait, a salute?

“Captain,” Spock said, his voice cooler and slightly deeper than normal. “What did the Halkans say?”

Bones was shaking his head next to Jim. “What the hell? Why does—”

“Shh,” Jim whispered, hoping they would all get the clue not to say anything. He had no idea what was going on yet, but he had a feeling they needed to keep it together.

“The Halkans won’t give up their dilithium.”

Spock nodded. “I did predict that outcome. Phasers have been armed to destroy the planet at your command.”

Jim only barely managed to refrain from saying, “Say what?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Are you having ill effects from the transporter incident?”

“Well, kinda, yeah.”

The bearded Vulcan turned to the transporter chief. “Your incompetence almost cost the captain and the others their lives.”

“Mr. Spock,” the chief said, looking worried. “It wasn’t my fault. The ion storm—”

“I will accept no excuses.” Spock stepped toward the man and touched his shoulder. Jim could see he held something. The transporter chief started to yell in agony.

Jim could hear Uhura gasp beside him, so he turned his head, and shook it. She bit her lip, but nodded.

Finally Spock released the transporter chief who collapsed to the ground, writhing in pain. He turned back to Jim. “You do look unwell, Captain. Perhaps you should have Dr. McCoy examine you in the medbay to make sure you did not have any extensive damage.”

“Yes, that’s a good idea. I think we all need to go to the medbay. I’ll see you later, uh, Mr. Spock.”

They exited the transporter room and immediately the others started asking questions but Jim cut them off with a cutting gesture with his hand. As they made their way to medbay, more crew members did the strange salute at Jim so he saluted back.

The weirdest thing was he still felt the bond thrumming in his head. But yet…this wasn’t Spock. Not _his_ Spock, anyway. Couldn’t be.

As they entered the medbay, Jim noticed both Scotty and Bones had gold sashes tied around their waists and Uhura’s dress had been changed into a skirt and a bare midriff top. And they all had daggers.

“Jim, what in the hell is going on?” Bones demanded at once. “Spock has a beard and he’s even less warm and fuzzy than usual.”

“We’re all us, right?” Scotty asked, looking around, appearing worried.

“Yeah. Yeah, we are,” Jim said. “But something’s not right.”

“Captain, look at this,” Uhura said, leaning over a terminal.

The terminal said _ISS Enterprise, Empire_.

“Fuck, we’re in another alternate universe?” Jim’s temples were throbbing. “How many of these _are_ there?”

“Another Enterprise? Another Kirk, another McCoy, another Scotty, another…me?” Uhura whispered.

McCoy looked around, scowling. “This looks just like my medbay. This is freaky.”

“I’ll say. It must have been that damn storm.” Jim turned to his engineer. “Scotty, if anyone can figure out how to get us out of here and back to our Enterprise, it’s you. See what you can find out. But be careful.”

“Aye, Captain.” And Mr. Scott left the medbay.

“Uhura, go to the bridge and find out what our options are for the Halkans.”

“Jim, you can’t actually destroy a planet full of innocent people,” Bones said.

“Don’t you think I know that?” He glared at Bones and turned back to Uhura. “Are you okay with that? I’ll be up to the bridge shortly.”

Uhura nodded, looking vaguely insulted that he would doubt her. “Of course.”

“Hey.” Jim touched her arm as she turned to go. “Be careful.”

“You too, Captain.” And then she was gone.

Jim went to the terminal.

“What are you doing?” Bones asked.

“I want to see what it says about me in this universe.” He sat before the terminal and accessed his file.

Bones looked over his shoulder. “Holy shit, Jim, it says you murdered Pike.”

Jim’s stomach rolled as he read paragraph and after paragraph about his brutality and aggression filled career. He’d pretty much killed Pike to rise to captain. He grimaced. “You want to see about you?’

“Hell, no. That was quite enough. Jim, we need to get the hell out of here.”

“I know. I gotta go to the bridge. I’ll meet back here in an hour.”

“Captain on the bridge.”

The bridge crew all stood up and saluted when he entered the bridge. So weird, Jim thought. Sulu wore a red shirt and had a wicked looking scar across his eye and Chekov stared at him with barely concealed hatred. Fabulous.

Jim went to Uhura’s station. “Anything?”

She lowered her voice. “It says your orders are to destroy the Halkans, sir. No other options.”

He blew out a breath and went to his chair.

“Fire phasers, Captain?” Sulu asked.

“Not yet. Hail the Halkans, Lieutenant.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Spock came to stand next to him. He stared down at Jim with cold, dark eyes. “Captain?”

“Hailing frequencies open, sir,” Uhura said.

“On screen,” Jim ordered, ignoring the threatening presence of the Vulcan hovering over him. The Halkans appearing before him looked exactly like the ones Jim had spoken to a short while ago. “Our orders are to destroy your planet, Elder. You have six hours to change your mind and hand over the dilithium crystals.”

Sulu and Chekov both turned around to gawk at him. He ignored them.

“Six hours, six days, six months,” the Halkan said. “It matters not. We will not change our minds.”

“Then you will die.”

“So be it.” The Halkans disappeared.

Jim stood. “Spock, you have the conn.”

Predictably, just as his Spock would, this Spock followed him into the turbolift. The Vulcan leaned over and stopped the lift’s movement.

“Six hours, Captain?”

He shrugged. “Thought I’d give them a chance.”

“You are defying the Empire, sir.”

Jim blew out a breath. “Just delaying the orders.”

Spock stepped closer to him, tilting his head. “What are you planning, Captain? More assassinations? I will not go down as easily as your previous conquests.”

“No, Spock. I’m not planning on offing you.”

And then he was in Jim’s personal space, so damn close Jim could smell him, he smelled like Spock, his breath on Jim’s skin was like Spock’s. And damn, his body was reacting like he _was_ Spock.

Spock’s fingers grasped Jim’s jaw and then his dark eyes narrowed. “We are… _bonded_?”

“No—”

“I _feel_ the bond, Captain. How is this possible? How did I not know of this?” Spock practically growled, his grip tightening on Jim’s jaw.

He swallowed. Fuck, bearded Spock was scary. “I-I don’t know.” Apparently they were not bonded in this universe, Jim figured. And lord, this whole thing was giving him a headache.

Spock loosened his grip on Jim and he felt the Vulcan searching his mind, invading it. He winced. “Telsu. We are T’hy’la.”

Jim licked his lips. “I’m-I’m not sure.”

“You are lying, Jim,” Spock said softly, lethally. His thumb brushed across Jim’s lips. “I admit to always finding you pretty.”

“Pretty?” That was definitely different. “Not very Vulcan-like, Spock.”

“Your mouth would look especially pretty sucking my cock.”

Oh and just would you look at that? Jim’s cock sprang right up at that. Hell, he was shameless.

Spock released his chin and stepped back. “Of course that is if you live long enough to accomplish it. The empire will call for you to be disposed of.”

Jim backed up slightly. “Who’s gonna dispose of me, Spock? You?”

“As I believe you are aware, I cannot harm my bondmate,” Spock said seriously. “However, others will not refrain. Where are you headed, Captain?”

“Medbay.”

“Should I be jealous of your closeness to Dr. McCoy?”

“Bones?” Jim snorted. “Not in any universe.”

Spock raised an eyebrow.

Jim smiled. “Um, anyway, no.”

“I will accompany you.”

“That’s really not necessary.”

Spock re-started the turbolift. “It is if I am to keep you from being assassinated due to your incompetence.”

“I am _not_ incompetent. Besides, I need to have a private word with Bones.”

“There is no private word from your bondmate,” Spock replied. “I will accompany you.”

“Swell.”


	18. Intrusion

Okay, seriously. Having this bearded imitation of Spock shadowing his every step was a bit much. Besides the fact that this version of Spock radiated aggression and every look he threw Jim was ominous, how could he get back to _his_ Spock with this one like a dog at his heels?

 There was no denying having a Spock who said the word _cock_ for God’s sake was a new experience. And Jim couldn’t deny it was hot. Well, he should deny it though. He was _not_ having sex with Beardy. No. Spock would kill him. His Spock.

There were too many Spocks and too many universes and they were all giving him a headache.

“Your thoughts are very erratic,” the bearded Spock said.

‘Yeah, you know what? I’d really appreciate it if you stayed out of my head.”

“I am unable to do so as we are bonded.”

He wanted to scream, _“We are not bonded”_ , because he wasn’t bonded with Beardy. He didn’t know if this guy’s Jim was his bondmate or not. That was for them to figure out. But he couldn’t tell him anything.

“Can’t you shield?”

“Shield? I do not understand.”

Jim stopped and stared. “You don’t know how to shield?”

“I would not have said I do not understand if I knew to what you were referring to.”

He sighed. “Shield your mind. Block the bond.”

Beardy’s eyes were dark and cold. “Why would I wish to do this?”

“Because I don’t want you poking around in my head.”

“It is my right as your bondmate.”

His jaw clenched, Jim kept walking to medbay. When he reached it, Spock put himself in front of Jim immediately.

“What the hell?”

“I must check it for enemies before you are allowed to proceed,” the Vulcan explained.

“Oh, for God’s sake.”

But Spock ignored him and stepped inside first. “It appears there is only Dr. McCoy.”

“I figured,” Jim said coming in.

“Although I am not convinced he is not an enemy.” Spock glared at Bones. _His_ Bones, thankfully.

“What’s going on, Jim?” Bones asked.

Before he could answer, Spock once more stepped in front of him. “I do not approve of the way you are familiar with him.”

“Are you out of your Vulcan mind?”

“Bones,” Jim warned.

“I am not of unsound mind, doctor. You use the captain’s name as though it is your right to do so. I request to know your intentions toward my mate.”

“ _Your_ …mate? Jim, what the devil—”

“It’s complicated.”

“There is no particular complication,” the bearded Spock said. “We are T’hy’la and I will kill anyone who is a threat to him.”

“Bones is not a threat, Spock.” Jim rolled his eyes. “We are friends. That’s it. Okay?”

Spock continued to stare balefully at Bones.

“Listen, I’m the captain, right?” Jim asked.

“Affirmative.”

Jim smiled. “Good. So, right now, I’m going to give you an order. I need to speak to the doctor by myself. That means I want you out of here. That’s an order from your captain, Commander.”

Spock turned the baleful look on Jim, who tried not to flinch. “Very well. But I will be back to collect you and escort you to your next destination.”

“Whatever. Go on, go.” Jim waved his hand.

When Spock left, he turned to Bones. “Oh, my God, all these Spocks are killing me.”

“What’s this about being your mate?”

Jim shrugged. “No clue. I’m Spock’s mate back home; maybe all Spocks recognize the bond. I have no idea. All I know is they’re driving me insane. All three of them. They would try the patience of a saint and I’m no saint.” He flipped open his communicator. “Scotty, what do you have for me?”

“I think I can rig the warp engines to get the transporter to work to get us home, but I can’t do it by myself, Captain,” Scotty said. “You’d be too conspicuous.”

Jim looked at Bones. “Can you go help him?”

“Jim, I’m a doctor not an engineer.”

Jim patted his arm. “Scotty will tell you what to do. I’ll send down Dr. McCoy, Scotty. How long will this take?”

“Not sure, sir. But when I have it ready we’ll only have a five minute window of time, so we all have to be ready.”

“Understood. I’ll let Uhura know. Kirk out.” He smiled at Bones. “You’re on.”

Bones left and Jim opened his communicator again. “Uhura?”

“Captain—” She sounded distressed.

“What is it?”

“Spock just ordered the destruction of the Halkans.”

His heart thudded painfully in his chest. “Can you delay it?”

“It’s done, sir.”

“Fuck. All those people.”

“Yes,” she said softly.

“Shit, we have to get out of here.” He closed his eyes briefly, then opened them. “Scotty’s working on it, so when it’s ready we’ll send a signal to your communicator. And you have to move fast, Lieutenant.”

“Okay. Jim, Be careful. Spock will lose it if you don’t make it back.”

Jim was pretty sure Spock could handle anything if he handled losing his planet and mother, but all he said was, “You be careful, too. Kirk out.”

He turned to leave when the medbay doors opened to reveal Sulu. He held a very wicked looking sword.

“Uh, Can I help you, Lieutenant?”

Sulu grinned. “Well, see I think it’s time the chain of command changed. You die, Spock becomes captain. And I move up to.”

“Okay, seriously? Not gonna happen in _any_ universe.” He kicked out his legs at Sulu and sent him flying into the wall, knocking the sword out of his hand. Then he kneed Sulu in the stomach. The helmsman doubled over just as Spock entered medbay.

“Did Mr. Sulu attempt to harm you?” Spock asked, coldly.

“Yeah, but I have it under control.”

Spock went to the comm on the wall. “Security to medbay.” Then he went over to the still groaning Sulu and neck-pinched him unconscious. “He’ll be taken to the booth.”

“Um, okay.” He had no idea what the booth was, but given everything he knew about this fucked up universe it couldn’t be good.

Security arrived and took Sulu away.

Spock turned to Jim. “I request we go to your quarters, Captain.”

Jim didn’t think he should be alone in his quarters with a Spock who was not his Spock. Either because he thought this one would try something like kill him or have sex with him. Maybe both. How the fuck did he know?

“Look, Spock—”

“Now, Captain.”

He blinked in surprise. “Are you giving me an order, Commander?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim wasn’t sure how he should react, but he didn’t want to end up neck-pinched by Spock or marooned somewhere separate from the rest of his party. Or worse.

So, he nodded and exited medbay followed closely by Spock. They did not speak the entire way and Spock was the one who opened his door. Jim went inside and immediately turned around so Spock couldn’t surprise him with an attack.

Spock looked vaguely amused. “You are a curious individual, James Kirk. I have already told you I would not harm my bondmate.”

He took a chance and said, “If you’re in my head as much as you seem to be, Spock, then you know I’m not the James Kirk from this universe.”

Spock nodded. “Yes, I have realized that. However, I was not bonded to my captain. I am bonded to you.”

“No, I am bonded to the Spock in my universe. If you feel the bond—”

“If I feel the bond? You feel it yourself, James. I know you do.”

He blew out a breath. “Yeah, okay. My point is, if we feel the bond with each other, maybe you and your James Kirk are also bonded and you haven’t realized it yet. How much time have you spent with him lately?”

“Clarify.”

“I don’t know, Spock. Maybe you were shielding without knowing. Maybe you haven’t been close enough to him. Maybe you aren’t friends here and so you don’t spend the time together my Spock and I do.”

“He is…promiscuous.”

Jim winced. “Um, yeah. Okay. Maybe. But maybe he wouldn’t be if he knew—”

“I cannot take that chance.”

“I’m sorry?”

“I care not whether the other members of your landing party make it back to your reality, but you will stay here.”

“What? No no no.” He took a step back, feeling the breath whoosh in his lungs, than seize in raw panic.

“You have no choice. Due your mishandling of the Halkans you have been demoted and relieved of duty as captain and I am now captain. You will be my first officer and you will stay here as my bondmate.”

“No.” Okay, no. This could not be happening. He felt mental fingers grazing over his mind, searching. He shrank back from it. 

“I already said you have no choice, James. I will not allow my bondmate to leave.”

“I’m not your bondmate!”

“My mind tells me otherwise.” And then Spock was advancing on him, hand outstretched toward Jim’s psi-points.

Jim thought his heart might stop or maybe burst through his chest it pounded so hard. No, he could not meld with this Spock. It would not—it would not—.

“No, Spock, don’t,” he pleaded. “My mind is not yours. Stop.”

But Spock’s hand rested on his face and his mind was opened to the invader. Jim choked back a sob as he felt Spock’s violation of his mind. He tried desperately to fight it. Pushing back.

“Stop, you are hurting yourself,” Spock said.

But Jim didn’t stop. He couldn’t allow this. Couldn’t. _Get out_.

And then his mind couldn’t take it anymore and darkness overcame him.

****

Jim woke up just as he was very carefully placed on a transporter pad. He was groggy and disoriented.

“Jim, I’ve got you,” Bones said, holding him close.

“Wha—”

“We’re going home,” Bones said gently. “Spock is sending us home.”

“Spock?” Jim whispered, his mind still fractured and hurting.

“Yes, Captain,” Spock’s cool voice. “I am sending you back to your own universe. You have my regrets.”

Jim clutched at Bones. “Hurts. Pain. Can’t.”

“I know, kid. It’ll be okay,” Bones said, stroking his back in comfort.

“Energize.”

He felt himself breaking up and then re-emerging. Bones still held him.

“Jim,” and this voice was _his_ Spock. He knew it. But still…he shrank back into Bones.

“Don’t, don’t. Please.” He kept his eyes closed.

“Jim,” Spock sounded broken, pained.

“Stop, stop, you’re hurting me,” Jim said, gasping against the pain of the bond in his head. “Bones, make it stop. Make him stop.”

“Spock,” Bones said helplessly. “I’m sorry. The-the other Spock did something.”

“He violated his mind,” Spock said, his voice sounding calm, but Jim was not fooled. He felt the distress, the agony, the sorrow in his mind so powerfully he sagged to his knees.

“I need to get him to medbay,” Bones said.

“I will carry him.”

Jim felt himself being lowered to the floor very gently. Then he felt familiar arms around him. The pain and disorientation had dimmed significantly. He opened his eyes to see his Spock picking him up.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Ashayam. I have you.”

“Are you shielding?”

“Yes.”

Jim exhaled. “Good. Don’t want anyone in my head again. Not ever.”

Spock closed his eyes briefly then opened them. He gently stroked Jim’s head. “It will be all right, Jim. I promise you.”

Jim closed his eyes and snuggled up to _his_ Spock, letting darkness claim him once more.


	19. Aftermath

Spock sat in a chair as close to Jim’s biobed as possible. If McCoy had let him, he would be in the bed with his mate.

Jim had not regained consciousness since going out after beaming back aboard the Enterprise. Spock suspected it was his mind’s way of dealing with the unwelcome violation.

He did not know what to do. This…he had never expected to have to deal with. If he could tear himself away from Jim he would seek counsel with his counterpart or perhaps someone else, but he did not wish to be parted from Jim for even a moment let alone long enough for such a conversation.

“Spock?” Nyota spoke from the doorway.

He said nothing. Did not know what to say. Just kept his gaze on Jim, his hand grasped in Spock’s. He had to touch him. Spock kept out of Jim’s mind as he wished but he would not stop touching him.

Nyota came close to the bed. “Why don’t you go rest, Spock? I’ll sit with him. I’ll comm you in an hour or so. You can meditate. And if he wakes, I’ll call you the minute he wakes up.”

Wordlessly, Spock shook his head.

“Spock, you have to rest.”

“I cannot leave him, Nyota.”

She sighed but pulled up another chair to sit beside him. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I am not so certain.”

“It will,” she insisted. “He’ll wake up. He’s strong.”

Spock nodded, but found it difficult to speak.

“Spock.”

“What if he hates me?”

“Hates you? Oh, Spock, why would Jim hate you? He loves you.”

“A Spock did this to him, Nyota.”

“Not _you_! You didn’t. That Vulcan on that ship was _not_ you. Jim knows this.”

“I cannot live without him,” Spock said softly.

“You won’t have to, Spock. This…this is hard. I know. This monster, this other Spock, took from Jim something that was not freely given.”

Spock shook his head. “He does not want the bond.”

“He just needs time.” She patted his arm. “I know the one thing uppermost in his thoughts when we were in that other universe was coming back to you. That didn’t change and it never will.”

He could only nod. Not sure what to believe. What to hope for beyond Jim waking up and looking at him with those impossibly blue eyes.

****

“Spock?”

Spock opened his eyes immediately, his lungs seizing. Jim’s blue eyes were open and staring at him.

“T’hy’la.” He squeezed Jim’s hand. “Are you in pain?”

Jim shook his head, continuing to stare.

“I shall fetch the doctor.”

Jim didn’t let go of Spock’s hand when he stood. “No. I-I want you. Please. Just stay.”

Spock swallowed. “Anything.” He brushed some hair off Jim’s forehead. “No head pain?”

“No.” Jim frowned. “I can feel the bond but it’s faint.”

“Yes. Because of the shields in both our minds. I will not un-shield until you ask me to do so.” Spock hesitated. “But the presence of the bond will still be between us.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. Just…just no-no prying or m-mind melds.”

Though it hurt for Jim not to want his presence, Spock acquiesced with a nod.

Jim went back to staring at him intently. Finally he bit his lip. “Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“Will…will you still want to be with me?”

“What?”

“If I-I never want you to un-shield, would you want to break the bond?” Jim’s eyes suddenly had a wet sheen to them. “I know the bond is important to you. I don’t want to keep you with me if you can find someone to bond with. Uhura or—”

“Do not continue,” Spock said sharply. Perhaps too sharply. “We are T’hy’la. I will never want someone else. My regard for you will not change even if my mind is shielded from you for the rest of our lives.”

Spock hoped that was not the case. He did not want to live out his years without Jim in his head and him in Jim’s head. But better that than no Jim at all. He would not accept that.

Jim looked relieved and smiled a little. But then his frown returned. “Are you sure?”

“I have never been more certain of anything,” he replied firmly. “And your feelings for me? Have they changed?” Spock forced himself to ask.

“No. I love you, Spock. I’ve loved you for a long time. Before the bond. That won’t change.”

“It won’t change for me either, Ashayam.”

“I just-I just don’t know. Maybe-but right now?” He shook his head.

“Do not upset yourself. I do not want to cause you distress. I am going to get Dr. McCoy. He will want to examine you.”

“You’re coming back, right?”

“Always.”

When he returned with McCoy, Jim’s eyes were closed, but he opened them immediately.

“Hey, Bones.”

The doctor started to examine him. “How are you feeling, Jim?”

“Fine. Just a little tired. Can I get out of here?”

McCoy rolled his eyes. “Is that always your first question?”

Jim smiled. “Pretty much. So can I?”

“No headache?”

“No.”

“No other pain?”

“Negative.”

Spock raised a brow and McCoy snorted.

“Your vitals are still off, but I guess you can rest in your quarters,” the doctor said.

“The bridge?”

“I want you off one whole shift, Jim. And then I want you back here for a re-check before I agree to clear you for duty. You got that?”

“Sure, sure. Whatever you say, Bones.”

“Now I know you can’t be right.” McCoy helped him down from the biobed. He glanced to Spock, who had stood to the side, standing stiffly with hands behind his back. “Are you going to take him to his quarters or do I need to get a nurse?”

“I will accompany him, doctor.”

Jim did not speak on the walk to his quarters and so Spock did not either. He was uncertain how this would affect their relationship, which up until this incident, had been very satisfactory. Spock suspected he needed advice but was unsure where he should seek it.

There was his counterpart, but Jim shared a friendship with him as well as him having been involved with Jim’s counterpart, and so Spock was not sure it would be appropriate to discuss their problems with the elder Spock. Especially considering Jim had been abused by another Spock. McCoy was too close to Jim and also Spock did not think they had that sort of friendship between them. There was Nyota, but Spock was not certain she would wish to discuss his relationship with Jim. There were no other crew members Spock felt would be appropriate. He served with them and felt a certain amount of friendly regard for them, but there was no one he felt as close to as Jim.

Jim punched in his code and they entered his quarters. Spock watched as Jim went straight to his bed and sat down.

“You have to go to the bridge?”

“Yes, presently.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. I’m gonna try and sleep some more.”

Spock stepped toward him and held up two fingers. There was a slight hesitation on Jim’s part but then he met Spock’s fingers with his. Spock took a chance and pushed warmth and love through their touch.

Jim gasped, but smiled. “That’s nice.”

“You do not mind?”

“No. I like that.”

Spock exhaled slowly, gratified he would be allowed this small part of their bond. He leaned down to place a light human kiss on Jim’s lips. And then he straightened. “Shall I have someone stay with you?”

Jim laughed. “No, Spock. I don’t need a babysitter. I’m fine. I’m back on my Enterprise with my Spock.”

“Yes.” Spock leaned down to kiss him once more, unable to resist. “I will come to check on you later.”

Spock left Jim, though he would have rather stayed with him, and went to his own quarters. He had fifteen minutes before he would be expected on the bridge, and he intended to use that time to contact his father in his own quarters.

“Father,” Spock greeted him when he appeared on Spock’s terminal.

“Spock.”

“I trust you are well.”

“Well enough. What is on your mind, Spock?”

It was like Sarek to get straight to the point. Spock was gratified.

“Recently I discovered I had bonded with my captain,” Spock explained. “We are telsu.”

“You learned of this when you were on New Vulcan.”

“Affirmative. It was not my intent to disrespect you and not see to your welfare.”

Sarek waved that away. “It was of no consequence. You should have advised me of your bond status earlier, however.”

Spock nodded. “I am contacting you with a question.”

“Yes?”

“Recently, due to an ion storm, my captain experienced time in another alternative universe.”

“Fascinating.”

“Acknowledged. During the mission, Jim met another Spock. He was not as the ambassador is. This universe was violent and aggressive.” Spock paused. “He recognized my bond with Jim. That we are T’hy’la.”

“I see.”

“Without Jim’s permission, he entered his mind. Jim fought the invasion and the bond was…damaged.” Spock paused, gathering his thoughts. “I wish to assist in repairing our bond, our minds, but he is reluctant.”

“He is afraid.”

“Affirmative. He has…indicated he might wish me to shield the bond permanently.”

“Spock, Vulcans need their bonds.”

“We will not break our bond.”

“I am not suggesting otherwise. However, in order to maintain optimal well-being your bond must be complete. The sharing of both your minds.”

“I cannot force him.”

Sarek was silent. “Perhaps a mind healer would be advisable.”

“I am not certain he would accept one. But I will speak to him about it.” Spock knew he still had no answers, but at least he had been able to speak to his father about the bond. “I must go. I am needed on the bridge.”

“Live long and prosper, Spock.”

“Live long and prosper, Father.”

****

When he finally made it back to Jim’s quarters hours later, his bondmate was no longer sleeping, but instead sat at his desk reading his PADD.

“You are working?” Spock asked, trying to keep the disapproval out of his voice.

Jim picked up a cup of coffee and drank from it. “Reports are getting behind. I have to do the report on the Halkans.”

“I will do it.”

His bondmate shook his head. “I’m not an invalid, Spock. I can do it.”

“I do not believe you incapable, Captain. I wish to assist you.”

Jim sighed. “Spock, sit. We need to talk.”

He took the seat across from Jim and waited for whatever his captain would say. Spock did not believe he would like it. Jim definitely had his captain face on.

“I don’t need you to do my job for me, Commander. I did it before, I can do it now. I’m not emotionally compromised.”

“You have just been through an ordeal—”

Jim nodded. “I have. But I’m over it.”

Spock knew that was a lie. He said softly, “Than you will allow me to un-shield the bond?”

His captain’s jaw clenched. “No. I don’t want anyone, even you, poking around in my fucking mind. Okay?”

Vulcan control was all that kept him from flinching. “Aye, Captain.”

Jim closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“I know.”

“Good. Let’s just…can we just try this without the bond thing right now? Just you and me, regular boyfriends.”

Spock knew he could never think of what he had with Jim as a _regular boyfriend_ but he knew now was not the time to argue with his bondmate. He would need time to come to the realization that Spock would never hurt him. He would rather die himself than ever hurt Jim. In time, Jim would believe this too.

“As you wish, Jim.”

Jim smiled, and Spock tried not to feel hurt over the relief behind that smile. 


	20. Reaching Out

Jim lingered outside the medbay trying to decide if he would really go in and bother Bones. He’d had to get away from the bridge. Get away from the knowledge he was hurting Spock.

He didn’t want to hurt him. But Jim didn’t know what to do. Whenever he thought of someone else in his mind, he freaked out. And he felt Spock’s stare as they worked on the bridge. Knew he was watching Jim with sorrow in his dark eyes, even if Jim was the only one who could detect it. It was there and it was killing Jim. He hated hurting him. _Hated it_. He’d run off the bridge, leaving Spock with the conn.

Jim sighed and entered medbay seeking out Bones. He needed to talk to someone. Didn’t he? Who else would understand how fucked up he was. He’d rather Spock not know just how fucked he was to be stuck with Jim as a bondmate.

When he went to Bones’ office, his friend was smiling. It was a soft smile and he appeared to be saying goodbye to someone on his terminal. Jim turned around to leave but Bones beckoned him to come forward.

“Sorry, Bones. Didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“I’m finished. Sit down, Jim. Can I get you some coffee or tea?”

“Can I have that tea Spock drinks?” Jim didn’t even know if he would like it. He just…he needed something of Spock with him.

Bones didn’t comment, just got him the tea from the replicator.

“Talking to your daughter?”

“No, Natira.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded, smiled a little. “How is she?”

“She’s doing well. Yonada is still on its proper course.”

“Good. I’m glad.” Bones stared at him. Didn’t say anything. Jim shifted in his chair. “What?”

“Jim.”

Jim shook his head, feeling his throat tighten.

“He won’t hurt you.”

Jim just stared down at his hands.

“Jim, he’s not the bearded hobgoblin.”

“I know,” Jim said softly.

“Do you?”

He nodded.

“Then you know Spock won’t hurt you.”

“He did before,” Jim said stubbornly.

Bones sighed. “You can’t keep bringing up what happened when he was emotionally compromised. It’s not good for either of you. Spock has never hurt your mind, has he?”

“No. Yes.”

“Which is it?”

“Spock… _that_ Spock said he wouldn’t hurt me, Bones. But he did. He…it was…it hurt. It hurt a lot. He fucking went into my head. I didn’t want him to. I told him to stop but he just…he wouldn’t listen.” Jim felt the prick of tears stinging his eyes. He clenched his eyes tight. “Bones, he entered parts of my mind, my memories, I haven’t let anyone into. He forced his way in.” He took a deep breath. “It hurts. It hurts just thinking about it.”

McCoy stood and for a minute Jim thought he was coming to hug him, but then he felt a very gentle touch on his shoulder and warmth flowed through him everywhere. And such intense love, he caught his breath.

“Spock?” he whispered without bothering to turn around. It could be no one else.

And then Spock crouched down beside his chair and Jim turned to look into his dark eyes. Spock took both of Jim’s hands in his and brought his right hand to his lips, kissing his fingers softly.

“I am sorry,” Spock said.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.”

“If I had beamed you back before—”

“No. Please.” Jim squeezed Spock’s hands, and then stroked his fingers all over Spock’s. “Don’t blame yourself. I can’t handle you being hurt any more than I’m already hurting you.”

Spook shook his head. “Only your pain hurts me.”

“How did you find me?”

“Dr. McCoy. He sent me a message on my PADD.”

“I didn’t want you to see me like this.”

“Jim, I would always be with you if given the choice. If you are wounded, I am there. If someone hurts you, I would slay them. If you are in pain, I would ease it. Do not keep your distress from me.”

Jim dropped to the floor next to Spock and wrapped his arms around him. “I’m sorry.”

Spock held him tightly and stroked his head. “Will you let me take you back to your quarters?”

“No. But I’ll let you take me back to yours.”

****

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay without me on this away mission?” Jim asked Spock again. He knew he’d already asked Spock like five times.

“Yes, Captain,” Spock said patiently. “The species on the planetoid are peaceful.”

“Yeah.” Jim patted Spock’s arm. “Okay. Don’t take any chances.”

“Affirmative.”

“Beam back up at the first sign of trouble.”

“Captain—”

Jim smiled.

“Yes, sir.”

“I know I’m being silly. I just—” Spock held up two fingers and Jim met them with his own. “Okay. See you when you get back.”

Spock, Sulu, and the rest of the away team positioned themselves on the transporter and Spock said, “Energize.”

And then they were gone.

Jim sighed. He wanted to go, of course, but he’d decided to listen, for once, to Bones and Spock, who told him to take it easy for a few more days. It wasn’t like what the other Spock had done to him was suddenly going to go away in those _few days_ but he humored them anyway and let Spock go without him.

Still…he felt uneasy. How could he watch over Spock if he wasn’t there? Spock was capable, of course he was, no one was more capable, but Jim still didn’t like it.

He couldn’t stand in the transporter room all day though, so he turned and left and went to the turbolift to take him to the bridge.

“Keptin on the bridge,” Chekov said as soon as he stepped out onto the bridge.

“Status report, Mr. Chekov,” he said as he made his way to his chair.

“Orbiting the planetoid, M-56, sir.”

“Thank you.” He picked up his PADD and surveyed his reports and messages. He had a message from Ambassador Spock seeking to speak with him at his earliest convenience. And one from his mother checking on him, too. He supposed when he had a moment he would contact both of them.

“Hey, Chekov.” Jim said coming up to stand next to the ensign.

“Yes, Keptin?”

“Did you interact with the other Captain Kirk and the others when they were here?”

Chekov wrinkled his nose. “Mr. Spock immediately recognized he vas not you, Keptin.  He locked them in the brig, but I did see them.”

Jim felt illogically pleased that Spock had known the other Kirk was not him. He decided he’d give Spock a big fat kiss when he next saw him. “And?”

“They vere barbaric,” Chekov said distastefully.

Jim patted his shoulder and went back to sit down. At least the universe hadn’t fucked with him enough to stick him in _that_ universe.

****

“Sulu to Captain Kirk.”

Jim’s heart nearly stopped. Sulu? Where the hell was Spock? “Kirk here.”

Pause. A long pause. “We’re beaming back up, Captain. Mr. Spock has been injured.”

“Understood.” He hit his comm. “McCoy meet the landing party in the transporter room. Spock’s been injured.”

He hurried to the turbolift catching Uhura’s worried gaze as he did. He ran so fast he was there before Bones, but his friend made it just seconds after he did.

The party appeared and Sulu was crouched down attempting to hold Spock. Green blood was smeared all over Sulu and Spock. Spock was very pale.

“What the hell happened?” Jim demanded.

“This creature attacked us. The commander tried to stop him,” Sulu said, his voice very shaky.

Bones rushed over to Spock and started examining him. Sulu leapt off the pad. Bones looked extremely grim.

Jim could barely breathe. He went over to them and knelt beside them. Bones shook his head.

“What? What does that mean?”

“Jim, Spock is…I’m not sure there’s anything I can do.”

“What the fuck does that mean?”

“Jim,” Bones said, shaking his head sadly.

Jim pushed Bones away and grabbed Spock. “Don’t you fucking dare do this to me. You are _not_ going to die. You promised to stay with me.”

“Jim,” Bones whispered.

“Be quiet!” he yelled. He put his fingers to Spock’s face. “I swear this better work or I’m gonna fuck up this universe bad.”

 _Spock! Damn it! Answer me. Open your fucking mind_.

Jim pushed through Spock’s mind. He was alive but barely. If he could at least get his Vulcan to do his healing trance that would help Bones.

_Spock, come on. It’s me. I’m in the bond. For you. I’m doing the bond._

_J-Jim?_

_Yes, T’hy’la. I’m here._

_In my head?_

_Yes. I had to. I can’t lose you. I’ll do anything._

_Jim. Do not despair._

_I won’t if you fucking live. It’s too soon. Spock, you have to stay with me. I’m not strong enough without you._

_You are._

_No. You can make it without me. I can’t make it without you. I have proof of that._

_Proof?_

_The ambassador. He lives without his Jim._

_Ashayam. You do not know what he went through._

_I don’t care. I care about you. Please, please._

_I will try._

_No! You have to do it. This is your captain. I order you._

_You order me to live?_

_Yes._

_I love you, Jim._

_I love you, too. Do your healing thing. Okay?_

_You are all right?_

_Only with you._

_Does the bond hurt?_

_No. Spock. Shh. Heal. Bones needs help with you._

_Yes, Captain._

_That’s better._

“Jim?”

He blinked his eyes open and released Spock’s face. He stared at Bones. “Well?”

Bones nodded, smiling a little. “He’s in his healing trance. I think he’s going to make it.”

“Good.” And then Jim faded to darkness.


	21. With Jim...Together

Spock opened his eyes slowly. He was instantly aware he was in the medbay by the sounds around him and also the feel of the uncomfortable biobed beneath him.

But then he rejoiced for his bond was strong and thriving in his mind. More powerful than it had been before he’d had to put his shields back up. And the shields were definitely down. As a result, he thought, of his injuries.

_Jim?_

Spock sat up, glancing around but there was no sign of his bondmate or even Dr. McCoy. He could see the back of a nurse on the other side of the medbay.

_Spock? You’re awake!_

_Yes._

_Coming._

Spock allowed himself relief at knowing his bondmate was safe. Not having Jim with the landing party had been the right decision and though one man had died on the surface and Spock had become gravely injured he would have been able to die knowing Jim was safe.

“Spock,” Dr. McCoy suddenly appeared at his side. “You’re awake. Apparently your mind thingy told Jim because he commed me.”

“Affirmative. You do have a talent for stating the obvious.”

“Well, I see you’re as good as new.”

Jim ran up to them. His smile was bright. “Spock.” He briefly glanced at the doctor. “How is he?”

“As much of a pain in the ass as usual,” McCoy replied.

“How long was I out, doctor?” Spock asked, reaching for Jim’s hand.

“Four days. Jim was out one.”

Spock searched Jim’s blue gaze. “You lost consciousness?”

Jim nodded. “After the mind-meld. You did it before with me, so I thought it might work.”

Spock reluctantly tore his gaze from Jim’s. “May we have a moment, doctor?”

“Yeah, sure, don’t mind the doctor. I mean it’s just medbay, after all.”

“Bones.”

“I’m going, I’m going,” McCoy said before walking away.

Jim watched the doctor leave with a small smile on his face, and then he turned back to Spock. “What is it? Is something wrong?”

“No, T’hy’la. I wanted to speak to you without Dr. McCoy’s presence.”

Jim nodded, looking wary. “Okay.”

“The bond,” Spock said. “It did not hurt you?”

“No, not really.”

“Jim, I wish for you to be honest with me at all times.”

“Spock, I am. I had to do whatever I could to save you. I was a little freaked when you were bleeding everywhere and Bones was pretty much telling me he couldn’t save you. But the only part that hurt was at the end when I lost consciousness. It just became…overwhelming.”

Spock nodded. “I cannot shield right now. I need more time to heal.”

Jim’s fingers caressed his. “I don’t want you to shield. I know you, Spock. I know you won’t invade any parts of my mind I don’t want you to. It just took a while for that to sink in.”

Spock touched his face, cradling Jim’s jaw. “If I could I would go to that universe and kill him myself.”

“No, you wouldn’t,” Jim said with certainty. “You can’t kill a version of you any more than I could kill a version of me.”

“He is not me.”

“No, I totally agree. But just as my circumstances have changed me from the Jim Kirk the Ambassador knew, his circumstances have made him what he is. And I have to say having met three Spocks now _my_ Spock is definitely my favorite.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “I should certainly hope so.”

Jim laughed and leaned toward him for a human kiss. “I want you to rest. I need to go back up to the bridge and be the captain.”

“I am fully functional and can do my duties.”

“Maybe, I still want you to rest. If Bones says so you can rest in your quarters instead of here, that’s fine. But if he says you stay here, you do. And that’s an order.”

“Yes, Captain,” Spock said reluctantly. He did not want to stay in medbay. He’d been there four days already. If Jim would not allow him to be on the bridge, he would have to make certain McCoy would allow him to recuperate in his quarters.

****

Spock glanced at the door to his quarters when the bell rang to alert him that someone wanted entry. He was seated behind his terminal doing the report on the recent mission.

“Enter.”

And Jim walked in.

“You do not have to wait for entry,” Spock said. “You are welcome to enter freely.”

“Well, what if you’re doing something private?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “I can think of nothing that I would keep private from you.”

“Really? Nothing?”

“Negative. I have no secrets from my bondmate.”

Jim grinned. “What about your captain?”

“He is one and the same.”

Jim came around Spock’s desk and looked at his terminal. “Didn’t your captain tell you to rest?”

“I have rested. Now I am doing a report.”

“I would have gotten Sulu to do the mission report, Spock.”

“Quite unnecessary.”

“You’re just going to continue to argue with me, aren’t you?”

“Arguing with one’s commanding officer is illogical. It is simply a disagreement.”

Jim snorted. “Semantics.” He leaned against the edge of the desk. “So, Commander, when do you suppose you will be rested enough to engage in copulation?”

Spock felt lust instantly spike through him. “I am quite capable of sexual activity at present.”

“Ah, hell, you and your dirty talk get me every time,” Jim said, his hands fisting in Spock’s tunic and pulling him to his feet.

Spock lowered his head just a fraction to give in to his need to devour Jim’s lips. He wanted to devour all of Jim. His own near blinding desire surprised him. It was true they had not engaged in sexual activity since Jim had returned from the other universe. But Spock was usually better in control than this.

He wrapped his arms around Jim’s waist and carried him toward the bed.

“Hey, Spock, I can walk!”

“Mine,” he growled.

“Okay, yeah, yeah, yours, but I can still walk.”

Spock tossed him on the bed and reached for his clothes.

“No, no, no! You are not tearing off my clothes again,” Jim said, slapping Spock’s hands away. “Get rid of your own clothes.”

He straightened with reluctance. He had been dressed in a Vulcan robe so it was easy enough to remove it and go to his closet to hang it up. When he returned to Jim, he’d removed his boots and shirts but was still working on his pants. Spock’s fingers twitched with impatience.

“If I may—”

Jim gave him his captain look so Spock closed his mouth. He still advanced on Jim and tugged at the offending pants.

“Geez, you’re not in Pon Farr, are you?”

“Negative. This is ordinary lust.”

Jim licked his lips. “Um, ordinary? Good to know.”

Spock tossed the uniform pants across his quarters and reached for the briefs but Jim was shooing him away again.

“You get the lube. I’ll take care of these.”

Spock dutifully fetched the lube and was gratified to return to find Jim on all fours, ass pushed out toward him. Kneeling behind him, Spock squeezed out lube and first covered his erection. Then he slipped lubed fingers inside his captain.

“Oh, fuck, yeah.”

Spock maintained as much control as he was able, sliding his fingers inside of his bondmate. But he could not wait long to join them. Withdrawing his fingers, he pushed inside.

Jim exhaled and pushed back, impaling himself fully on Spock’s member. His finger digging into Jim’s hipbones, Spock thrust in over and over. The pace was fast, almost punishing, but Spock could not slow down or ease up. Jim was too tight, felt too good.

“Spock, Spock, I’m—”

And then his own release followed quickly.

He did not know how much time had passed before he became aware again and with Jim wrapped his arms he found he did not care. He pulled him closer and held him with as much pressure as he could without injuring his bondmate.

“Mm.”

“You are pleased?” Spock wondered.

“Oh, yeah.” Jim chuckled. “I never had a clue, you know.”

“A clue?”

“How passionate Vulcan lovers were. Are.”

“I surmise I am your only one.”

“For sure. I’ve had Orions, Andorians, Organians—”

“I would prefer not to have a list of your past sexual exploits.”

“Sorry. The point is…yeah you’re my only Vulcan. You’ll always be my only Vulcan.”

Spock stroked circles on Jim’s back. “I would hope I will be your only lover from now on. I am aware jealousy is illogical but I find myself being illogical a lot where you are concerned.”

“No worries, Spock. I don’t want anyone but you.”

“Nor do I want any but you.”

Jim grinned and gazed up at Spock from Spock’s chest. “So, you weren’t attracted to that me from the other universe?”

“He was indeed aesthetically pleasing as he was your exact match physically. However, I knew instantly by his behavior that he was not my captain nor my bondmate.”

“You’re really something, you know that?”

Spock allowed his lips to curve just a touch. “I am pleased with you as well.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Nyota’s voice.

Jim sighed. “Duty calls.”

Spock nodded. “I am coming with you.”

“Bones—”

“I have rested long enough, Captain. Even Dr. McCoy has to accept that.”

“All right, all right. Suit yourself. But don’t come crying to me if he shows up on the bridge to yell at you.”

“Crying to you?” Spock raised an eyebrow.

“An expression.” Jim kissed him and rose from the bed. “Come on, Commander.”


	22. An Unwelcome Presence and A New Mission

Jim was late for dinner with Bones and Spock. He’d intended to meet with them in the mess hall and should have been there ten minutes ago, but then Ambassador Spock had wished to speak to him and he’d definitely owed time to him.

“Hey, Spock, it’s great to see you,” Jim greeted him. It was a little strange to him still to call this elder Vulcan Spock like his own Spock. Maybe more so now that they shared so much a part of their lives together.

“And it is also pleasing to see you, Jim.”

“I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. It’s been busy around here.”

The ambassador nodded. “I know it takes some time to acclimate oneself to a bondmate.”

He smiled. “You know about that. I meant to tell you myself. I mean, you spoke to Spock though, right?”

“After you visited with me on New Vulcan, he came by. He had learned of your bond when he saw T’Pau.”

“You aren’t mad because I haven’t told you all this?”

The ambassador shook his head. “No, Jim. There is little you could do to cause anger in me.”

“I don’t have long. I’m supposed to meet Spock and Bones for dinner. But I…I wanted to ask you some things.”

“Anything.”

Now that he mentioned it, Jim wasn’t sure he had time to address it. But he really wanted to talk. “Can you hang on one second?”

“Of course.”

Jim went around the other side of his desk and flipped open his communicator.

“Kirk to Spock.”

“Spock here. Jim?”

“Listen, I’m going to be late.”

“Since you are already late I have surmised that.”

Jim laughed. “I mean later. I-uh-got a message and I need to take care of it. I’ll be there soon. And try not to kill each other, okay?”

“I do not intend to resort to violence, Captain.”

“Good to know.”

“Unless the doctor provokes me.”

Jim groaned. “I’ll be there soon. Kirk out.”

He went back to the ambassador. “Sorry about that.”

The ambassador simply nodded, his hands folded waiting.

“You and your captain—”

“Affirmative.”

Jim laughed. “I didn’t finish.”

“You were going to ask if we were T’hy’la.”

“Yeah, I was. So it’s a universal thing? A universe thing. Whatever.”

“Our circumstances were different than yours, Jim,” the elder Spock said. “As you know. It took my captain and I a little bit longer to become bonded than you and Spock. But the time we had together was pleasing.”

“Pleasing.” Jim’s lips quirked. “You Spocks are all alike.” Then his heart sank and he shook his head. “Well…”

“What, Jim? There was more than asking me about my captain, I think.”

“I met another one.”

“Another?”

“Spock. A third one.” Jim sighed. “This one looked like my Spock. I mean young. Well maybe a little older but anyway, he had a beard.”

“Yes, I believe my own captain came across this Spock.”

Somehow that didn’t offer Jim much comfort. “Did he…was he…what was his experience?”

“Jim, speak plainly,” the Ambassador said gently.

“This one…entered my mind without my wanting him to.”

“He violated your mind?” the ambassador asked sharply.

‘Yes. And I’ve been trying to work through it, but, but, Spock, he went into areas of my brain that even my Spock hasn’t. He just forced his way in before I could stop him. Actually I tried to stop him and it was like I couldn’t do anything.” Jim inhaled. “And he’s…I can still feel his presence. It’s like he’s still there, somehow. Faint, but I know it’s him. He feels different.”

“Have you told Spock this?”

“No. I mean he knows about the mind intrusion, but I haven’t told him about him still being there. You’re the first one.”

“Perhaps a mind healer—”

“No way. I don’t want anyone else poking around in my mind but my Spock.” Jim winced. “No offense.”

“None taken. Under the circumstances I completely understand. But you need to speak to him about it. He might be able to help you set up mental shields. He might not be able to depending on his own development at this age, but I believe he can provide you with guidance if nothing else.”

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just I know this has been hard on him.”

“You must learn to rely on each other as bondmates. You can accomplish much together especially when you are fully bonded.”

Jim nodded, then sighed. “I really do have to go. I’m supposed to be having dinner with Spock and Bones and I don’t want them to kill each other.”

The elder Spock’s lips twitched. “Some situations do stay the same between universes and timelines.”

“Figures.” Jim laughed. “I’ll try not to make it as long before I talk to you again.”

“I would be gratified. Live long and prosper, Jim.”

“Live long and prosper, Spock. Kirk out.”

Jim didn’t bother notifying Spock and Bones he was on his way, he just headed for the mess room where he found them sort of glaring sitting across from each other.

“Oh, thank God,” Bones muttered. “We ran out of things to say to each other ten minutes ago.”

Jim grinned and sat next to Spock so that their sides touched. “I thought that might be the case.”

“Not eating?” Bones asked.

“Not really hungry.”

Spock turned his head to look at Jim with disapproval. “You must eat.”

Jim sighed. “I’m really not hungry.”

But Bones got up and went to the replicator and brought him back a salad with slices of chicken meat. Chicken-like anyway. He set it before Jim.

“Fine.” Jim grimaced and stabbed at it. “You two are bullies, just so you know.” Spock said nothing and Bones merely shrugged. “What did I miss?”

“Spock asked me what was going on in medbay and I asked him what was going on in the science department. We’ve been eating and waiting for you ever since.”

“What was this message? From Starfleet?” This from Spock.

“Nah, this was personal.” Jim remembered he’d brought his PADD. “I do have something from them, though. On the next mission.”

“Personal?”

Jim eyed Spock. “Yeah. Spock.”

“You were conversing with my counterpart again?”

Jim nodded. “Yep.”

Spock watched him for several seconds. “You have not taken a bite. You are merely pretending to eat while you play with your food.”

“Blah blah.” Jim waved at him and started reading his Starfleet message.  “Okay, looks like we have to go to Starbase 9 and pick up some librarian named Lieutenant Mira Romaine. Then take her to Memory Alpha, Starfleet’s library planetoid. It stores a bunch of Starfleet history. Weird, huh?”

Bones snorted. “So, what are we now? A transport ship?”

“I guess so.” Jim shrugged. “We go where we’re told.”

“Since when are you so into following orders?”

“Well, I have to have the brass on my side, Bones. Eventually Spock and I are going to have to make some formal declaration of our bondedness. Um, bond. Whatever.” Jim waved his fork. “The point is, we want them to love us and keep us together.”

“It is doubtful they would separate a bonded couple, Captain,” Spock said.

“I still can’t quite wrap my head around that,” Bones said, shaking is head. “You two married. Honestly, I never thought Jim would get hitched at all let alone to a Vulcan.”

“Is there something wrong with Vulcans, doctor?” Spock asked coolly.

“Let me count the ways.”

“Guys,” Jim said, rolling his eyes. “Besides, Bones, it’s not really a marriage. It’s a mind bond thing. Not really the same thing. It’s not like we’re husbands or whatever.”

“What do you call yourselves?”

“Jim and Spock, actually,” Jim said with a grin.

“We are bondmates,” Spock spoke up. “Or merely mates if you prefer.”

“And the difference would be?” Bones prodded.

“Bondmates are a deeper connection than a mere human marriage,” Spock said. “Marriages, such as your own, doctor, are easily dissolved through divorce. Our bond would be difficult to break and would cause distress to both of us.”

Bones narrowed his eyes. “What happens when one of you dies? In case you hadn’t noticed, one of you already did once.”

“Bones.”

“I noticed, doctor, since I was there,” Spock said, his body going very rigid beside Jim. Jim put his hand on Spock’s leg. Spock relaxed slightly. ‘When one’s bondmate dies, the connection is severed and the surviving mate is caused a great deal of pain.”

“Is it damaging to the survivor?” Bones demanded.

“Affirmative. It is as though the other half of oneself has been cut off.”

Okay, that did not sound good. And Jim didn’t recall any Spock telling him _that_ part.

“Now just a damn minute. So if you die, this…severing will happen to Jim?”

“I believe I just said that, doctor. I have not personally experienced it because my previous bond was with T’Pring who was killed when Vulcan was destroyed. I shielded my mind from the bond severing, but it is my understanding that since our bond was never strong and not formally formed the severance effect would not have been the same.”

“Well, that’s just great. So you can shield if Jim dies but what about if you die? Jim won’t be able to shield.”

“Guys,” Jim said again. He sighed. Maybe the three of them dining together had been a stupid idea. “Can we drop this? I don’t fucking want to think about Spock dying and I can tell Spock is not too thrilled thinking about me dying, so let’s drop it, okay?”

“Jim—”

“That’s an order, Dr. McCoy.”

Bones looked mutinous but shut his mouth. Jim knew he was only looking out for him, but he didn’t want Spock and Bones at each other’s throats and Jim really could feel through their bond that Spock was not amused by the conversation in the least.

“I have to get back to the medbay anyway,” Bones said, rising from his seat. “Eat that salad. And you,” he said to Spock, “make sure he does.”

Spock stared coolly back at him.

Bones huffed and walked away.

Jim stroked Spock’s leg. “Hey, you aren’t mad, are you?”

Spock shook his head but continued to stare after Bones.

“He means well.”

“Does he?”

“Yes. He’s been looking after me for a while.”

“You are mine to look after now.”

“Well, Bones can’t just turn off caring about me, Spock. And you know there is no reason for jealousy there. We’re just friends and that’s it. More like brothers.”

Spock now looked at him and his dark eyes were hard.

“No, no, not like bond brothers. Like brother brothers. Well, fuck, you know. Don’t be difficult.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “I am not. But the doctor is right. You must eat.”

“I’m not a little kid,” Jim protested.

“You are known not to keep track of your own nutrition needs.”

“Well if it was a hamburger I might eat it.”

“I am not securing you illegal food products today.”

“It is not illegal—”

“Eat your salad.”

“Has everyone forgotten I am the fucking captain here?”

Spock merely looked at him. “You are being childish. You claim not to be a little kid as you say, however, your behavior shows otherwise.”

Jim glared at Spock, very close to saying _fuck you_. He refrained. Mostly because he knew Spock already knew that was what he was thinking anyway so it didn’t need to be said out loud. Instead he forked a bite of salad and popped it in his mouth.

“Happy?”

“I will be satisfied when you have finished.”

Jim sighed and finished his salad.


	23. Welcome Aboard, Lieutenant Romaine

“I didn’t think I’d ever see it,” Sulu said, with a smile on his face. He was looking to the side of the bridge where Scotty stood with an attractive dark haired woman in a blue science uniform.

“See vhat?” Chekov asked.

“The day Scotty was attracted to something other than the Enterprise.”

“Gossiping?” Jim asked, coming to stand between them.

Chekov turned pink. “Sorry, Keptin.”

Sulu was less apologetic. “I never would have thought he’d go for the brainy type.”

Jim eyed Lieutenant Mira Romaine, who they had picked up on Starbase 9. She was smart, at least on paper, as Jim hadn’t really talked to her save for welcoming her aboard temporarily while they transported her to Memory Alpha. But she was also very pretty with a killer body.

He blinked as he felt a hard stare. Jim turned to find Spock staring intently at him. He smiled sheepishly and wagged his fingers at his Vulcan. Spock raised an eyebrow and turned back to his station.

Gack, couldn’t even admire others these days without Spock knowing. Some things about the bond seriously sucked.

Jim cleared his throat. “I think it’s time you paid attention to your posts, gentlemen.”

“Aye, Sir.”

“How long until we reach Memory Alpha, Mr. Sulu?”

“One hour, sir.”

“One point four three one, Mr. Sulu,” Spock said from his station. “I do wish you would be precise.”

Jim tried not to chuckle out loud and walked over to Spock’s station. “You’re not grumpy, are you?”

Spock’s stare was cool and unemotional. “I do not get _grumpy_ as you say.”

“Uh-huh. You are. It’s not because I noticed the hot chick, is it?”

Spock’s dark eyes turned chillier.

Jim laughed. “I’m just messing with you.”

“I am aware you are attempting to get some emotional response out of me, Captain, but I assure you that you will fail.”

He nodded. “Yeah, sure, sure. I know you aren’t jealous.”

“I am not. Jealousy is an emotion I, as a Vulcan do not feel. And there is no reason to be jealous of Lieutenant Romaine.”

“True. None. She seems to be interested in Scotty.”

“It must indeed be a rare occurrence to not be the center of attention when an attractive human is around, Captain.”

“Hey, now you’re making me sound conceited or self-centered or something.”

“What is your earth saying? If the shoe fits,” Spock said.

Jim frowned. “Now you’re just being mean.” He started walking away, but then turned back to Spock. “Were you just attempting to get an emotional response out of me?”

“It is possible.”

“Impossible Vulcan.” Jim slapped him on the back and went back to his chair. He picked up his PADD. He heard Scotty laugh and he glanced that way as Scotty and Lieutenant Romaine openly flirted. On the bridge no less.

“Captain, I’m getting a strange reading,” Sulu said into the relative quiet.

Jim straightened. “What sort of reading?”

Even as he asked a multitude of flashing, bright colored lights appeared on the screen.

He lifted his arms to block his face from the bright lights and opened his mouth to ask Spock what the hell it was, but no sound came out. Jim tried again but nothing. He put his hand to his throat and shook his head. It was then he noticed Lieutenant Romaine standing near the view screen staring raptly at the lights.

Jim opened his mouth again to speak as the strange lights twinkled out. “Spock, what the hell is that?”

“Unknown, Captain.” Spock came to stand next to him. “Are you all right?”

“Think so. Couldn’t talk for a minute or two. You?”

“I seem to be unaffected.”

“I couldn’t speak either,” Sulu said.

“For me, it vas my eyes that did not work, Keptin.”

Uhura said from her post, “I couldn’t move my hands.”

“Okay, that’s weird—”

They watched as Lieutenant Romaine collapsed to the floor.

“Mira!” Scotty yelled, dashing over to where she lay.

Jim knelt beside her and turned her over. She stared straight ahead and her mouth hung open and strange throaty sounds came out of her mouth.

“Get her to medbay at once.”

****

“Captain, we’re approaching Memory Alpha,” Sulu announced.

“Okay.” Jim hovered over Spock at his station. “So, what the hell was that? Some kind of storm? Another Ion storm?”

“Negative. It was not a storm.”

“What then?”

“I do not know, Captain.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?”

“Yet.”

“Captain?” Sulu sounded worried. “The storm that attacked us earlier is approaching Memory Alpha at advanced speed.”

“Spock, how many people are on Memory Alpha?”

“It is difficult to say, Captain. Since it is a Starfleet library any member of the Federation can be there at any time.”

Jim turned away and stepped down to his chair. “On screen, Lieutenant.”

Memory Alpha appeared on the screen surrounded by the sparkling colored lights.

“Uhura, can you contact Memory Alpha? See what’s going on there?”

“Negative, Captain. There’s no answer.”

“Spock?” Jim turned back to Spock, eyes searching.

“I’ve scanned for life forms. Only a faint signal coming from Memory Alpha.”

 _Fuck_.

“Captain, the storm is moving off and away from us and Memory Alpha,” Sulu said.

Jim hit the comm on his chair. “Kirk to medbay.”

“Scott, Captain.”

“Scotty? What the hell are you doing in medbay?”

“Mira—”

“Where’s McCoy? In engineering? Get. Him. Now.”

A pause. Some talking in the background

“McCoy here.”

“How’s Romaine?”

“She seems to be fine. She’s talking and wanting to get back to work.”

Jim shook his head. “I’m going down there to Memory Alpha. Bones, I want you with me. Meet me in the transporter room. You, too, Scotty.” He rose from his chair. “Spock, you’re with me.”

****

They were greeted by near darkness when they landed inside the library. Jim shook his head, disoriented.

“Can’t we get more light than this?”

“Checking, Captain,” Scotty said. About ten percent more light appeared. “That’s it. That storm that came through caused significant damage to the library and its databanks.”

“Captain, in here,” Spock called from the main area of the library.

Jim surveyed the area taking in all the bodies lying on the ground. About ten of them. Bones was already kneeling beside the first one.

“All dead?” Jim asked.

“Affirmative, Captain.”

“Captain, there’s one alive over here,” Scotty called from another room.

They all hurried to that room to see a middle-aged woman writhing on the floor. Her face flashed colors like it had been lit up by lights and the strange guttural sound that had come from Lieutenant Romaine came from this woman.

Bones knelt next to her.

“Can you help her?” Jim demanded.

“It’s just like Mira,” Scotty whispered.

“Yeah, I noticed.” He flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise. Get Lieutenant Romaine down here. Kirk out.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Bones shook his head. “Not sure what I can do for her, Jim.”

And even as they watched she convulsed and then died. Jim grimaced. He didn’t like to lose even one person.

“Cause of death?”

“Brain hemorrhage,” Bones said. “All of these people died of them.”

“Mira!” Scotty exclaimed as Lieutenant Romaine appeared a few feet away from them.

She smiled at Scotty and then turned her attention to Jim. “Yes, Captain?”

‘What do you make of what happened down here?”

She looked down at the woman and then peered into the main room. She came back looking fearful. “I saw this.”

“What do you mean you saw this?” he demanded.

“I saw their deaths, Captain.”

“How?”

“I don’t know I just did.” She paused and looked around. “We need to get out of here now.”

Jim frowned. “What?”

“We need to leave. They’re coming back.”

“Mira, the storm was moving away from us,” Scotty said.

“Scotty, they’re coming,” she insisted.

“Enterprise to Captain Kirk,” Sulu’s voice.

Jim stared at Romaine and opened his communicator. “Kirk here.”

“Captain, that storm is headed back to us and it’s moving at rapid speed.”

“Okay, we’re beaming back up now. Kirk out.”

Jim went to stand with the others and then said, “Energize.”


	24. Lights of Zetar

They walked onto the bridge in perfect synchronicity, their steps perfectly matched. A team.

The bond was strengthening, Spock knew, even without the formal ceremony. He’d had no experience with this kind of bond before, obviously, so he had no way of knowing it would progress naturally. But he felt it and was fairly certain Jim had too.

And he also felt that there was something distressing to Jim that he had not shared with Spock. It did not have anything to do with their current mission. But when they had figured out what these strange lights were, Spock would confront his bondmate.

“Captain on the bridge,” Sulu said as Jim went to the captain’s chair and Spock went to his station.

“Status report.”

“The strange storm is advancing on us again, Captain,” Sulu said.

“Move to coordinates 1.1.34.”

“Aye, sir.”

The lights followed as the screen changed.

“1.2.54.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“1.3.78.”

Sulu moved as did the lights. “The storm just keeps following us.”

Spock finished his scan and came to stand next to Jim. “It is not a storm, Captain. They are life forms.”

Jim looked at him. “Life forms? Plural? How many?”

“It is difficult to tell but several.”

Jim bit his lip thoughtfully. “Sulu, arm phasers.”

“Armed, Captain.”

“Fire at the very edge of the entity.”

Spock glanced at his captain. Then back at the screen.

“Problem, Mr. Spock?” Jim asked as they watched Sulu fire the phasers.

“No, Captain.”

“No change, sir,” Sulu said.

“Fire straight into the middle then, Mr. Sulu. Let’s give them a taste of what we really mean.”

Spock did not care for firing into life forms he had not yet been able to study but he understood the necessity for getting away from them as they’d already killed several members of the Federation on Memory Alpha.

“They’re moving away, Captain,” Sulu announced, excitedly.

“Good.” Jim looked at Spock. “We need to find out what’s going on with that girl. She’s connected to this somehow.”

“Agreed, Captain.”

Jim hit the button on his chair. “Lieutenant Romaine, Dr. McCoy, and Engineer Scott, meet me in conference room twelve in five minutes.” He stood. “Come on, Spock. Sulu you have the conn.”

****

Spock turned to his bondmate in the turbolift.

“What?” Jim asked.

“You are distressed.”

“I’m fine, Spock.”

“You are not, but I will not press you now.”

Jim’s jaw clenched just a little but he said nothing. They exited the turbolift and went to the conference room. They were the first to arrive.

Spock sat next to his captain and waited for Dr. McCoy, Mr. Scott and Lieutenant Romaine to arrive. All he could read off of Jim at that moment was extreme focus on the dilemma at hand. He was deliberately blocking all other thoughts which Spock found more than mildly surprising. Jim was psi-null yet he was remarkably astute and pretty good at shielding. And the fact Jim was shielding from Spock was something he found mildly distressing. It would become more than mild if it were to continue. Spock suspected that it was his confrontation with Jim in the turbolift that had caused his bondmate to block. Now was not the time to address it, though, since they were under threat by the alien life forms.  

McCoy, Scott, and Romaine entered the conference room. Romaine looked extremely tense but she took a seat at the opposite end of the table and folded her hands in front of her. Mr. Scott sat beside her and Dr. McCoy sat on the other side of Jim.

“Lieutenant,” Jim said. “You said on Memory Alpha that you had seen their deaths. Can you expand on that?”

“Yes, Captain. When I was in medbay, I was lying on the biobed waiting for Dr. McCoy to dismiss me and I got flashes of what was happening to the people there.”

“I have the brain scan for the Lieutenant, Captain,” McCoy said.

“On screen, please, doctor,” Jim said.

McCoy pressed a few buttons and then brought up a scan of Romaine’s brain activity.

Spock stared at it. “Doctor, are you quite certain this is the Lieutenant’s brain scan?”

“Absolutely, Spock. Why?”

“This is the exact same scan as that of the alien entity.”

Jim glanced sharply at Spock. “Are you sure?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Of course, Captain.”

Jim smiled a little. “Bring up that scan, Mr. Spock.”

Spock did and brought the two scans so they were side by side. Then he maneuvered them so one lay over the other. They lined up exactly.

“Fascinating,” Spock said.

Romaine gasped. “What does it mean?”

“It would seem the alien entity is wanting to take over your mind, Lieutenant,” Spock answered.

“Why would it do that?” Jim wanted to know.

“Unknown, Captain. But we have seen what they are capable of. They could destroy this entire ship as they did those on Memory Alpha.”

She wrung her hands. “There is something else, Captain?”

“What?”

“I…I’ve seen Scotty’s death.” She turned tear filled eyes to Mr. Scott.

“Now, Mira, I’m not going anywhere.” Mr. Scott put his arms around her.

Jim touched Spock’s hand.

_Do you think if we tell the girl I want to pressurize her to force the entity out they’ll know of it and try to stop us?_

_Yes, Captain._

_Okay, then we’ll just take her to the pressure chamber without explaining. I think it’s the only chance we have._

_It could cause harm to Lieutenant Romaine._

_Yeah, not ideal. I have a ship to protect though and over four hundred crew members._

Jim moved his hand away. “Can, you all come with me?”

Lieutenant Romaine looked reluctant but she allowed Mr. Scott to take her arm and lead her from the conference room. Just as they walked out, Sulu commed.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk. Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

“Kirk here.”

“The entity is getting really close, Captain.”

“Shields up and red alert, Mr. Sulu.” Jim turned to Spock. “We better hurry.”

Jim hurried to the pressurization room and as they entered, he turned to Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott.

“Scotty, we need to get Lieutenant Romaine into the pressurization chamber. I’m going to try to force the thing in her brain out. Do you think you can assist her into the machine? Bones, I need you to monitor her life signs.”

McCoy went behind the pressurization machine controls and Scotty began to help the lieutenant toward the entrance of the machine. Suddenly Scotty was thrown away several feet.

“Do not touch her,” Lieutenant Romaine spoke in a deep guttural voice not her own.

“Who are you?” Jim demanded.

“We are from Zetar.”

“Zetar was destroyed over three hundred years ago,” Spock said.

“We are the last inhabitants. We were not ready to die.”

Jim shook his head. “Everyone dies sometimes. Death is something you must accept.”

Spock thought of Jim’s death and knew it was not something he wanted to accept.

“We have searched for decades for someone to take our life force,” the entity continued through the lieutenant. “We only want the girl. Leave her to us and we will let your ship go.”

“I can’t do that,” Jim said. “This life form, Mira Romaine, she has her own life to live. I can’t allow you to take that from her.”

“Then you will all die.”

“Lieutenant, you have to fight them. Don’t give in to them.”

She nodded. “I’m trying, Captain,” she said in her own voice. 

Scotty got up and went toward the lieutenant.

“Scotty, no,” Jim said.

“Mira won’t kill me. She won’t hurt me.” He picked her up and she smiled at him. He carefully laid her in the machine and closed it.

Jim turned to Spock. “Start the pressure.”

Spock went to the pressure controls and applied the smallest amount of pressure.

“More.” Jim watched her carefully.

Spock increased the pressure. Mr. Scott was pressed against the glass.

“More.”

Spock complied but the doctor made a noise.

“She won’t be able to take much more, Jim,” Dr. McCoy said.

Jim just looked at him and then turned to Spock. “More, Spock.”

Spock increased it and finally as they all watched Lieutenant Romaine the flashing colored lights came out of her and swirled around the pressure chamber. They hung in the air for several seconds and then disappeared.

“The entity has been destroyed, Captain,” Spock announced.

Jim smiled. “Decrease pressure gradually. Lieutenant, they’re gone. You beat them,” he told Romaine.

****

Spock followed Jim into the medbay. Jim went straight to the doctor. “Well? How’s Lieutenant Romaine?”

“No ill effects, Jim. Good as new. I don’t think she’ll have any problems helping re-establish Memory Alpha.”

Spock nodded. “I would be forced to agree with the doctor given my interactions with Lieutenant Romaine. She is most eager to begin her duties there.”

Jim nodded and commed Mr. Scott. “Scotty, does Lieutenant Romaine seem ready to take on the task of getting Memory Alpha going again?”

“Oh, Aye, sir. Mira will do a great job. I’m going to miss her, but she’ll do a fine job.”

“Thanks, Scotty. Kirk out.”

Jim leaned against the wall in medbay, smirking. “Well, let’s see. Dr. McCoy, Mr. Spock, and Mr. Scott all agree. Can I stand the strain?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “If there is nothing else, Captain. I believe I am needed on the bridge.”

Jim laughed. “There is nothing else. I’ll see you later. I’m gonna talk to Bones for a bit.”

Spock left medbay and went to the bridge. He decided to stop for a moment by Nyota’s station.

She offered him a small smile. “Hello, Commander.”

“Lieutenant. I have been wondering.”

“Yes?”

Spock hesitated. Was it too soon to resume attempts at a platonic friendship with Nyota? He did not believe Jim would mind. But perhaps it would be too soon for Nyota.

“If you are free later, would you join me in the mess room for dinner?”

“Are you sure Jim won’t mind you asking me out on a date?”

Spock opened his mouth. Shut it. Then said, “It would be illogical to—”

She laughed. “Spock, I’m kidding. I know it’s not a date. Sure, I am free. That would be great.”

Spock nodded and then went to his station.

****

He was on his way to Jim’s quarter’s to advise him of his plan to eat with Nyota when overwhelming sorrow, pain, and terror made him falter in his steps.

 _Jim_.

Spock ran to Jim’s quarter then, ignoring the strange looks of the crew as he sped past them. He pushed the buttons to enter the closed door and his heart nearly stopped when he saw Jim huddled on the floor hugging his knees, tears streaming down his face, trembling.

Spock was beside him in an instant, kneeling next to his bondmate. Jim just stared at him, his blue eyes blown wide and haunted.

“Ashayam?”

“M-make it stop. Get him out. Please?”

“Who?”

“S-Spock. The other one. He’s in my head. I can’t get him out. Please. Please.”

Spock simply stared. He could not help it. The other Spock was still invading Jim’s mind? He wanted to rip him apart. But he had to control his anger. He did not want to harm his bondmate.

“Jim—” He reached for him but Jim shrank back. “Jim. I need to meld with you.”

“Hurts. So much. Break it.”

“What? I don’t understand.”

Jim’s whole body shook. “Break the bond. I can’t take this.”

 

 


	25. Intruder

Panic was not an emotion Spock wanted to admit to having. It seemed a particular loss of control. He’d experienced it when he’d watched his captain die behind glass and he experienced it now as his bondmate spoke of breaking the bond while looking so despondent he broke Spock’s heart.

Spock could not even think of breaking their bond. It had grown so strong now that he knew to even try would be painful for both of them. Neither could he willfully ignore Jim’s current pain and fear.

He found the psi-points of his bondmate’s face. “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.”

_Jim._

_Spock. Is that you?_

_Yes, Ashayam._

_He’s in here too. Going places. He won’t leave. I try but he’s very strong._

_You must not shield at all from me, T’hy’la. I will help you but I must have access to everything._

_Spock._

_Jim. Listen. I know you are afraid. I would die a thousand deaths rather than hurt you. You are my Ashayam. Everything to me. You need never fear me. You must trust me._

_You’ll still love me?_

_Always._

Jim’s mind burst wide open to Spock. Brilliant and bright. Exhilarating. But terrified. Spock probed deep.

_Hatemyselfsuchalosergodhowcananyonestandmemompleasewhy’dyouleavemehere?_

_Ohgodwhyamiherewhere’smomsohungrygodthat’ssick_

_Don’ttouchmegetawaynononodirtyslutshamestayaway_

_UglyhatestupidloserwhothefuckisthispikeguystarfleetboneswinwingottabebetterhavetobeVulcanpointyearedbastardbutgodhe’shottakentaken_

_Pleaseworkpleasegottabebetternerogottagetnerofuckinguniverseimnotasgoodfamouskirkhatethatguyspockpleaseforgivemewannabefriendsplease_

_Captainkirkwowthatsoundsgreatbutwillanyonerespectmespockishereohmygodspockishereicandoanything_

_GottasavetheNibirucan’tletthemdiewholespeciesfucktheprimedirectivespockuhurawillkillmeifhediesstubbornvulcanthankgodhe’salivelovelovelove_

_Can’tbelievethisisiti’moutafterallthisbeenthroughnowi’velosttheenterprisewhatamigonnadonoshipnospocklifesucks_

_Firstofficerbetterthannothingwanttobecaptainbutpikeiscoolspockit’sspockheshoudbeonEnterprisenotBradburylove_

_Gonnagetkhanthatbastardkilledpikedestroyedeverythinghatehimwannabewithspockdoeshehatemethinkimstupidhorriblecaptaingottasaveshipmaybe_

_thenspockwillbemyfrienddieforcrew_

_Spockiloveyougodineedtogetoverthisuhurawithuhuralovemeneverlovemebondingohgodhurtshurtsplease_

_Whatdidn’tbondsoconfusedwhydidn’ttheybonddinnermoviedatecan’tbewishfulwantneedlovegodspockwhyareyoutalkingtomeaboutyourproblemswith_

_Uhuracan’tyouseeiloveyouwhatwearebondedimpossible_

_It’struespockwantsmecan’tbelieveitohgodspockpleasesogoodwantitpleasethisissocoolI’mreallywithspockhewantsme_

_SpockwithbeardwhereamImurderedPikeneverohgodpleasegetoutdon’ttouchmedon’tdothatyou’renotmyspockIwantspockmyspockdon’tgotherenono_

Spock felt around Jim’s mind and found the presence of the other Spock, trying to probe Jim, trying to place himself there, deep-seeded. He pushed against that Spock.

_Get out. He is my T’hy’la._

_I wish to claim him._

_He is not yours. He belongs to me._

_I touched his mind when he was here._

_I touched his mind before he was there. He is my bondmate. You may not have him. He is not in your universe._

_I will bring him back here._

_No. Claim the Jim Kirk of your own universe._

_He is…difficult._

_So was mine. You must claim him, not mine. You are hurting him._

_I do not wish to._

_Then get out. Leave him alone. He does not want you._

Spock pushed again at the other Spock.

_He is compelling. This Jim Kirk._

_Mine._

_Brilliant and emotional and passionate._

_Mine._

_Kind and compassionate._

_Mine._

_…yours._

_Mine._

_Very well. But_ if ever you change your mind—

_Never._

Spock pushed again, harder, forcing the other Spock to leave. He could not have Jim. Not ever.

“Spock?” Jim whispered.

“Yes, my own?” Spock kissed his bondmate’s temple.

“He’s…gone?”

Spock searched Jim’s mind. All places. He wanted to be sure the other Spock was not hiding still. But he felt nothing. Just Jim and himself.

“Yes, Ashayam. He is gone. For good. He will never harm you again. I promise.”

He pulled Jim tighter against him. “Do you want me to move you to the bed where you will be more comfortable?”

“No. Stay here.” Jim buried his face in Spock’s chest.

He ran his fingers through Jim’s hair. “I wish you had told me before.”

“Scared.”

“Of me?”

“Of everything. The bond.”

Spock closed his eyes. “I do not wish for you to fear the bond. If you…if you…truly wish to break it, I will find out how to do so.”

“You want to break up with me?”

“No, Jim. Never. I would stay with you even without our bond as I have told you before. If having our minds linked hurts you, if you do not wish it, I would sacrifice it. But I do not wish to be parted from you, regardless of your decision. I hold you in great regard.”

Jim sighed softly. “You still love me?”

Spock nodded. “More than I can convey.”

“I love you, too.” Jim wrapped his arms around Spock’s middle and tightened the embrace. “Tired.”

“Then we should move to the bed where you can rest.”

“Don’t want to move.”

“Very well, T’hy’la. Rest.” 


	26. Gone

Jim woke in his bed, naked, and wrapped in the arms of a very warm—strike that—hot Vulcan. In his head he was alone. Completely. No bearded Spock, but not his Spock either. He suddenly felt panic.

Had Spock broken their bond? In a moment of pain and weakness he had asked for it to be broken but now…he felt such emptiness. His heart pounded hard and painfully in his chest.

“Spock!” He shook the Vulcan beside him. “Spock, wake up.”

Spock sat up straight, his dark eyes widening. “Jim?”

“You’re gone,” Jim blurted out.

“What?”

“You’re gone. Gone. Where are you?”

Spock shook his head. “Jim, I am right here.”

Jim blew out a breath, trying to calm himself. He grasped Spock’s hands. “You didn’t break the bond, did you?”

His lover stared at him, his expression blank. “Break the bond?”

“You didn’t, did you? I can’t feel you.”

Spock curled his fingers around Jim’s. “No, Ashayam. I am shielding.”

“Oh.” Jim closed his eyes. “Oh.”

“You are distressed.”

“I thought you broke it because of what I said.” Jim opened his eyes. “Why are you blocking me?”

“You were upset. Talking of breaking the bond. I thought perhaps you would feel more comfortable if I blocked our link.”

Jim shook his head. “No. No. I want it back. Please.”

“T’hy’la, do not fret,” Spock said softly. He cupped Jim’s jaw. He stared into Jim’s eyes.

And just like that the bond flared to life, Spock in his mind, him in Spock’s mind, love, relief, joy mixing together. Lightness.

Jim smiled. “Thank you.”

“I am gratified you do not wish to break our bond.”

“I’m sorry for suggesting it. I just…when the other you—”

“He is not the other me. He is nothing like me. I would never do what he did to you. Not ever.”

“I know, Spock.” Jim leaned over and kissed Spock. “I know you aren’t like him. He scared the shit out of me. Even when you were strangling me, I didn’t fear you.”

Spock actually winced. “I do wish you would refrain from bringing up that unfortunate episode.”

“Yeah, yeah. You don’t want me to mention Delta Vega either.”

“Affirmative. Though may I remind you that you were not supposed to get out of the pod when you landed on Delta Vega. You were supposed to wait for assistance.”

“Seriously? Are you defending marooning me?”

“You were committing mutiny.” Spock raised an eyebrow. “However, I am not defending anything. I am merely stating facts.”

“You are so cute when you are uppity.”

“Uppity?” Spock frowned. “To what do you refer?”

Jim laughed. “I have to get up and shower. I’m due on the bridge. And so are you, Commander.”

“Are you sure we do not have time for—”

“Spock, are you trying to seduce your captain?”

Spock nodded. “Is it working?” And Spock flooded his mind with lust, arousal, need.

“Oh, my God. Now it is. Fuck. Spock. _Please_.”

Spock rose above him, already reaching for the lube they kept by the bed. “Ashayam.”

“Please. Please. Spock, take me.”

Slicked fingers were inside him in an instant, spreading him. Spock wasted no time pushing into him, his fingers finding the psi-points on Jim’s face simultaneously.   

_Spock!_

_T’hy’la._

_God, that’s so good._

_Do you feel this?_

Spock touched some part of Jim’s mind and he knew it was his pleasure points.

_Oh. Oh. Fuck._

_I take it that means yes._

_The hell with the bridge, let’s just do this all day._

_I would be amenable to that, but Starfleet—_

_Yeah, yeah. Oh, God. Fuck, that’s incredible._

Jim tightened around Spock’s cock.

_Jim!_

_You aren’t the only one with sex tricks._

_You are…so tight._

_Want me to be tighter?_

And he tightened his muscles again.

_You…you—_

_Oh, fuck, yes!_

Jim lay panting in Spock’s arms, his own arms wrapped snugly around his Vulcan. “Now I really do need that shower.”

“In a moment.” And Spock was kissing him breathless.

****

Jim sat in his captain’s chair as they orbited a class M planet known as Lyra. He hit the comm.

“Okay, Spock, is your shuttle craft crew ready to take off?”

“Yes, Captain. Dr. McCoy, Dr. Marcus, and Security Officers Renowitz and Lassen are on board.”

Jim smiled. “Bones, don’t give Spock any trouble.”

“Why can’t you come to Lyra instead of Spock?” Bones grumbled.

“Because I’m needed on Starbase 5. You need to be there to help with the medical situation there. We’ll be back in less than forty-eight hours to fetch you. I think you two can keep from killing each other for that length of time.”

“Dr. McCoy will make that difficult, Captain.”

He laughed. “I’m sure. Okay, you two, take care. And Dr. Marcus, too. And Renowitz and Lassen. Let’s have no casualties. Kirk out.”

It would be strange to be without Spock for two days. Since discovering their bond they hadn’t been apart very much other than his brief time in the other universe, which thankfully had been very brief. He hadn’t even had to spend a night away from Spock. He could of course, he didn’t want to come off as a sap, being a starship captain and all. But he didn’t particularly want to have to spend the night alone. He liked his personal Vulcan heater.

“Mr. Chekov.”

“Aye, Keptin?”

“Plot a course for Starbase 5.”

“Course plotted.”

“Warp factor three, Mr. Sulu.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim sat back in his captain’s chair and picked up his PADD.

****

“Are we ever going to talk about it?” Uhura asked as they rode the turbolift together as they orbited Starbase 5.

“Lieutenant?”

“Captain. Jim. I know you aren’t that obtuse. You have a genius level IQ even if you like to pretend otherwise. Talk about you, me, Spock.”

“I wasn’t aware there was a you, me and Spock.”

She gave him an annoyed look. “Don’t be difficult. We have to work together. And before all this happened I had really come to respect you as my captain and even considered us friends. In spite of a rocky start.”

Jim didn’t know what to say to that other than something sarcastic so he said nothing as the turbolift doors opened. She closed them before he could step out.

“Look, Spock cares about both of us. He loves us. Not in the same way, I know, and I’ve come to accept that, but it’s still true. And we both love Spock. I only want what’s best for him and that is you, Jim. We’ve got over three years still left on this five year mission and I would really like for us to be friends.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I want that too. I just—”

“Feel guilty for stealing my boyfriend?”

Jim winced. “Well, yeah, kinda.”

She laughed. “You didn’t. Not really. Okay, maybe a little. But even though it hurt me, I still really care about both of you.”

He smiled. “Thanks. I care about you, too. And I would love for us to be friends.”

“There, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“Are you kidding? You’re scary!”

She rolled her eyes and opened the door to the turbolift. “And speaking of working together, we need to get down to Starbase 5 for that council meeting.”

“God, I hate diplomacy.”

“I don’t know why. You’re actually really good.”

“Jeez, you tell me you care about me and that I’m good at something all in the same day. What the hell am I supposed to do with that, Lieutenant?”

“You are such an idiot.”

Jim grinned as they entered the transporter room.

****

They had just finished the first meeting with the council, lasting twelve fucking hours, and had beamed back on board the Enterprise.

Scotty was waiting for them and to say his expression was grim was an understatement.

“Scotty? What the hell? Why aren’t you on the bridge taking the command?”

And it was then he noticed the wateriness of Scotty’s eyes. He cleared his throat. “We-we tried to reach you, but they wouldn’t interrupt the meeting.”

“Reach me? What’s going on?”

Scotty glanced at Uhura who stepped closer to Jim. “The-the shuttle craft blew up on Lyra’s surface.”

Jim stared at him. He was numb all over. “The what?”

Scotty cleared his throat again. “They don’t believe there are any survivors.”

He blinked. Blinked again. He was aware of Uhura gasping next to him. He thought they were both trying to speak to him. But all he heard was a buzzing in his ears. The world around him fading away.

It could not be true. It could not be true. It could not be true.

Bones…and Spock? Spock. Spock. Spock.

No. The universe wouldn’t do this to him, would it? He’d been fucked with before but not this. It couldn’t.

And then he couldn’t stop screaming.


	27. Loss

Jim didn’t know how long he stood staring into space on the observation deck. Could have been minutes, hours, even days. He’d lost track of time. Track of everything, really. None of it mattered. Nothing did.

He stared unseeing out at the stars, not seeking anything in particular. The universe could go supernova and he wouldn’t have cared or perhaps even noticed.

“Captain.”

A soft, feminine voice. Speaking gently as though he were a raging beast to be soothed. Uhura. She’d been here before. He didn’t know how many times or even care. But he knew she had tried before.

“Jim.”

She came to stand next to him and she placed her hand on his arm. This time he managed not to flinch but only just.

“Jim, are you all right?”

The question snapped him out of his solitary thinking and he turned to her, incredulous. “How the fuck can you dare ask me that?”

“Jim—”

“Am I all right? No, I am not all right. My best friend and my…my _everything_ is gone. You think you’ve seen emotionally compromised before? It’s got nothing on this shit.”

He turned away from her again to stare out into space. His outburst having drained him, seeking the numbness that was his friend.

For a long time, she said nothing, but she kept her hand on his arm. And then, “Jim. I’m so sorry.”

Jim flinched. The raw pain, the sorrow in her voice was too much. It crumbled his defenses he’d so desperately built. He clenched his eyes shut. “Get out, Nyota.”

“No. I’m not going away this time. I’ve given you space because I thought it was for the best, but I don’t believe that anymore.” She placed herself directly in front of him and gripped both of his arms. “I loved him, too. And I cared for Dr. McCoy and Carol. And the security officers.”

“Leave me alone.”

“I can’t. Spock wouldn’t want—”

“Do not fucking talk about him in the past tense like that and tell me what he would or would not want! You don’t know what this is like. You don’t fucking know!”

Her eyes filled with tears. “No, I guess I don’t. But I do know that Spock loved you and wouldn’t want this to destroy you.”

Jim shook his head, his throat tightening. Unable to find words. Unable to speak words that wouldn’t come out like a wail.

Uhura wrapped her arms around him then, pulling him against her in an embrace. For a long time he stood there stiffly, his arms rigid at his sides while she held him. She was speaking some strange language in a soothing voice and he had no idea what it was or what she said, but little by little he gave in, and leaned his head against her shoulder.

He didn’t want to cry, because crying would make it real. Would make it true. And it couldn’t possibly be true.

His arms wrapped around her and he felt the painful sting of tears. “Please tell me this isn’t real,” he whispered.

She choked back a sob. “Oh, honey, I wish I could more than anything.”

And then he was crying. He couldn’t stop it. It just came gushing out of his eyes. His chest constricting so badly he had to gasp for breath, and still the tears kept coming.

Finally, he didn’t know how long it took, the tears stopped, but the ache in his chest went on more powerful than before. He stepped back out of her embrace and he shook his head. “I don’t think I can do this. This is more than I can take.”

She touched his face. “You have to, Captain. I don’t know if you know this or not but the crew practically worships you now. They’d always liked you, since Nero and all that, but now…you are _their captain_. They don’t want anyone else. They don’t want to follow anyone else. They want to follow _you_.”

“I can’t.”

“You can,” she said fiercely. “You must. You cannot give up. Spock would be pissed if you did. You are James Tiberius Kirk, the cockiest man in the universe. You are _the_ Captain of the Enterprise. There is no one else for the job. There is you and you have to do it.”

Jim started to shake his head again but she shook him.

“Captain!”

He turned away from her again to once more stare out into space.

“Look inside yourself, Jim. You have the strength. You know you do,” Uhura said.

“The universe likes to fuck with me,” he said quietly.

“Then fuck it back.”

Jim took a deep breath. Closed his eyes. And let everything around him disappear. The observation deck, Uhura, space itself, gone. Just him.

Only it was then that he realized something. It wasn’t just him. Faint but most definitely there in the back of his mind was…Spock. And he didn’t know everything he probably should about Vulcan bonds, but he sure as hell knew that Spock shouldn’t be there if he were…dead.

His eyes flew open and he turned to Uhura who was watching him carefully.

“Made up your mind, Captain?”

“You bet your sweet ass I have,” he said firmly. “Thank you, Lieutenant. Inform Starfleet we’re going to Lyra.”

“Sir?”

“Spock is alive, Nyota.”

She stared at him. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I don’t know about anyone else, but Spock is alive. And I’m going to find him.”

He strode out of the observation deck with her following closely behind.

When they made it to the bridge, he felt the excitement and relief from the crew as Chekov said, “Keptin on the bridge.”

“Plot a course for Lyra, Ensign.”

“Yes, Keptin.”

“Warp factor six, Mr. Sulu.”

“Aye, sir.”

“Let’s go get our crew.”

 


	28. Rescue

 

 Spock knew that Jim would come. He knew with absolute certainty his captain, his bondmate, his T’hy’la would come. Just as he would come for Jim if the situation had been reversed.

He was glad it was not reversed. Jim had already been through too much, Spock would not have wanted him to be captured and tortured also.

Spock was aware that Starfleet had been informed the shuttle craft exploded and that everyone on board had been killed. His captors informed him of this with a great deal of smugness.

He regretted that initially Jim would grieve thinking Spock and the others had died. But Jim was highly intelligent and eventually he would come to the realization that their bond was intact. The Lyrians holding him did not know this of course.

If Jim were here Spock could imagine him saying, “I thought this was a peaceful planet, what the fuck?”

They’d been tricked. The Lyrians had sent a distress signal saying they needed medical aid, but in reality they had been in league with the Klingons. Shortly after landing, they’d been captured and taken here to this facility. The security officers had been killed, but he, McCoy, and Dr. Marcus had been imprisoned. He did not know where the other two were being held as he had not seen them since their immediate separation.

That first day Spock had been beaten pretty severely, but they had not bothered with him since. Merely shoving plates of food he could not eat under the bars of his cell. He’d been threatened with a Centuarian Slug, though as yet that particular threat had not been carried out.

Most of his captivity had been spent meditating, keeping his mind and body focused while waiting for the Enterprise to return for them. His biggest concern was that Jim not put himself in danger in order to rescue them. He knew his bondmate well, though, and it was almost a certainty.

While he was thinking of this, the bond thrummed stronger, brighter in his mind. Spock straightened.

_Spock?_

_Jim!_

_Hey, you can hear me?_

_Yes._

He felt immense relief over the bond.

_Where are you?_

_On Lyra, Captain. It was a trick to capture us. I do not know their ultimate intentions, but they are engaged in some sort of mutually beneficial relationship with the Klingons._

_You mean they are in cahoots?_

_Cahoots?_

He felt laughter ripple across his mind.

_I’m going to keep you in bed for three days kissing you senseless when I have you back._

_Captain._

_What’s the situation, Mr. Spock?_

_The two security officers were killed. Myself, Dr. McCoy, and Dr. Marcus were captured. I do not know their direct situation._

_We are near Lyra._

_Do not put yourself in danger to rescue us._

_Me? Would I do that?_

_I am not amused, Jim. I would rather die than see you harmed._

_Yes, well, it’s the same for me, you stubborn Vulcan. So I’m gonna do what I’m gonna do. Do you know what I went through when I thought you were dead?_

_Yes. I thought you were dead once also._

There was a long pause and then sorrow and guilt flowed through.

_I didn’t think about that, Spock. I’m sorry._

_I do not wish to relive that experience, Jim._

_I understand that. But I’m not going to allow this…this severing of our bond or whatever you call it. Do you know how long it took to get you as mine? Nope, not gonna happen. Anyway, standby, Spock. I have to be the captain._

 And just like that Jim’s presence retreated to the back of Spock’s mind. He heard the clang of metal on metal and then loud footsteps approaching. His Lyrian guard, an eight foot tall muscular being wearing long purple robes, stopped outside his cell.

“You are to be interrogated,” the Lyrian said in a deep, rumbly voice.

Spock wondered if this interrogation would include the Centaurian Slug, but he said nothing, gave nothing away, as the guard opened the cell door. He stood and allowed the big Lyrian to lead him out of the cell. Spock was strong but he still had in mind the beating that had been given to him by this particular Lyrian the first day of capture.

This was something new, though, and so Spock was on alert as they made their way down a long, dark corridor. He could see no sign of McCoy or Dr. Marcus. The bond still thrummed steady and strong in the back of his mind.

Spock thought perhaps he could withstand anything if he had this bond with Jim.

The Lyrian turned a corner and then opened a heavy set of double doors. With a large hand on the middle of Spock’s back, he pushed him inside the room.

Spock was not surprised to see a Klingon waiting for him as well as another Lyrian. They stood next to a machine with a biobed outfitted with straps.

“Bring the Vulcan here,” snarled the Klingon. “I don’t wish to sully my hands touching him.”

The Lyrian guard shoved Spock toward the other two with force enough to almost knock Spock off his feet.

“Strap him in!”

Spock was laid out on the biobed and strapped in, then it was tilted so that the bottom half of the biobed where Spock’s feet were lay on the ground and his head was aligned with the Klingon’s and the Lyrian’s.

The Lyrian who had been standing with the Klingon spoke for the first time. “I’ve never had a Vulcan to experiment on before.”

“Their race is almost extinct,” the Klingon said. “And if we have anything to say about it, eventually they will be entirely extinct. But this one…he is not quite Vulcan and not quite human.”

“A half-breed? Hmm. Interesting. I would have preferred to experiment on a full Vulcan, but this will have to do.”

“Don’t fucking touch him,” a very familiar voice said coldly. Spock turned his head toward the voice as best he could considering they’d strapped even that in.

A blast of phaser fire and the Lyrian guard dropped to the floor with a loud thud. Then another blast and the other Lyrian, who was in the process of fleeing, fell also. The Klingon looked murderous as he approached Spock and raised his gun and then excruciating pain went through Spock’s skull and darkness overtook him.

****

“I fucking hate Klingons.”

That could only be Jim speaking with such raw passion. Spock struggled to come completely to consciousness.

“I hate Lyrians, too.”

“You won’t get any argument from me on that score,” this from Nyota. “But at least we have him back.”

“I want to fuck every one of them up until they never forget who they fucked with.”

“That would be against Starfleet.”

“Oh, fuck them, too.”

Feminine laughter.

“You two are enough to wake up the dead,” this was McCoy’s voice this time. Apparently the doctor was fine. “Spock is supposed to be resting. You two cackling over here like a couple of hens—”

“Do not finish that sentence, Bones. Besides he can’t hear us.”

“I actually can, Captain,” Spock said. “I am awake.”

And clearly in medbay.

“Spock,” Jim’s smiling face suddenly loomed over him. “You are such a sight for sore eyes.”

“Sore eyes?”

He laughed. “Never mind. I’m just glad you’re awake.”

“So am I because these two have been hovering in my medbay for hours.” McCoy’s face  replaced Jim’s, unfortunately. “How do you feel, Spock?”

“You are not injured, Doctor?”

“Just a few scrapes and bruises mostly. A little beat up. Not enough I can’t take care of the likes of you.”

“Can I have him back yet?”

McCoy scowled. “I haven’t finished examining him yet.

“I assure you, Doctor, I am quite all right. And Dr. Marcus?”

“She’ll be fine. She’s in a bed a few spots away from yours.”

“I would like to sit up,” Spock said.

The doctor scowled again but reached down to help Spock into a sitting position. Both Jim and Nyota stood by closely, watching him. Jim was smiling gently and Nyota was smiling widely. It was an odd switch for the two of them.

“Just so you know,” Nyota said. “Our captain seriously kicked ass on that planet.”

“Lieutenant,” Jim protested.

She snorted. “False modesty doesn’t suit you, Captain. Starfleet is already talking about a commendation.”

“Well, yeah, so _maybe_ they are.”

“They had some weird science lab down there and were doing experiments on different species they’d been capturing,” Nyota explained. “Only no one knew this was going on. Until the Enterprise got in their way.”

“Please, Nyota, my modesty.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. _Nyota_?

“Your modesty,” she said with a laugh. “Do you even know what that word means?”

Jim grinned. “Okay, yeah, I admit it. I’m awesome. We’re awesome. Satisfied?”

“Greatly.” And her eyes softened with unmistakable affection.

Fascinating, but Spock knew instantly that Nyota was no threat to his relationship with Jim. Whatever the change in Jim’s relationship with her was, it was simply platonic.

Spock felt his own affection for them both swell up inside him and he knew he had to suppress his reaction or he’d end up entertaining McCoy with an illogical emotional display which the doctor would talk about for years.

Instead, he said, “I assume I may return to my quarters for the duration of my convalescence?”

McCoy looked like he wanted to argue, but he nodded. “Fine, fine. At least these two will get out of my way.” He gestured to Jim and Nyota.

Jim frowned. “Are you sure he’s okay for that?”

“Yeah, he’s okay. No shift for forty-eight hours.”

“Doctor, I assure you—”

“Don’t make me change my mind, Spock.”

Spock nodded stiffly. “Very well.” He stood.

Nyota came to him and leaned up to kiss his cheek. “I’ll let Jim take care of you now.” _Jim_? “He’s been dying to ever since he brought you back on board. I’m glad you’re okay.”

“Thank you, Nyota.”

Jim came to him to link his arm with Spock’s after Nyota left the medbay. “Come on, Commander, I’ll take you to your quarters.”

“You do not need to assist me, Jim. I am capable of walking.”

“Oh, I’m sure. I still want to though so humor me, ‘kay?”

‘Very well.”

As they walked to the turbolift, Spock noticed Jim was limping very slightly. “You are injured?”

“What? Nah. It’s nothing.”

“You have an almost imperceptible limp.”

“It’s a minor thing.”

“Has the doctor taken a look?”

“Spock, it’s nothing. Okay? I’m fine. You were the one injured.”

The turbolift stopped on the floor with the officer’s quarters. When they reached Spock’s quarters, Jim entered the code for the door and they swished open.

“Do you want to meditate? Or Sleep? What do you want, Spock?” Jim asked when the doors closed behind him. “Want me to stay?”

Spock hesitated. “If you are needed on the bridge—”

Jim shook his head. “I’m not. Scotty’s there. He can comm me if needed. But right now, I can pretty much get what I want out of Starfleet.”

“You are the Starfleet hero as Nyota said?”

“For now. Until they decide I broke a dozen regulations. It’ll be nice while it lasts, though.” Jim stared at him intently. His Adam’s apple worked in his throat. “I really missed you.”

Spock stepped toward him as he stepped toward Spock and then they were embracing, holding each other tight. He did not think he ever wanted to let go of his bondmate. Most illogically, he found himself burying his nose in Jim’s hair and sniffing.

“Hey, hey,” Jim said, pulling back to stare into his eyes. “You’re swaying on your feet a little. Let’s get you on the bed.”

He nodded and let Jim lead him there. He sat on the edge and pulled Jim down next to him.

“You want it hotter? Want me to have the computer raise the temperature?”

“Negative. I want it comfortable for you.”

 Jim’s hand cupped Spock’s cheek. “You’re always so thoughtful.”

“You are my bondmate. Your comfort is a priority.”

“I thought you were dead.” Jim lowered his gaze. “I think I went a little crazy.”

“I regret that you were faced with grief unnecessarily.” Spock took Jim’s hand in his. “It was the same for me when you died.”

“But then…you and I were not together. It was not the same.”

Spock shook his head. “You are wrong. It is true that we had not bonded yet. But what I felt when you died was unlike anything I had ever experienced. We are T’hy’la, Jim. I think I knew that even then. If we had touched minds before Rigel V, I believe we would have formed our link then. We were always meant to be T’hy’la. Believe me, my grief was very real.”

Jim’s gaze rose to meet his. “Am I imagining things, Spock, or is this bond we have getting stronger?”

“Yes it is.”

“I thought so. We can get each other’s thoughts, talk to each other, without even touching. Is that normal for our type of bond?”

Spock stroked his fingers over Jim’s. “Ashayam, you are the only T’hy’la I have ever had, I am not certain what is normal.”

Jim laughed. “Okay, yeah, guess that was a stupid question.” He scooted closer to Spock and laid his head on Spock’s shoulder. “I guess for a while I felt such grief I thought it was that severing bond thing you mentioned. But then I realized no, you’re still here in my mind.”

“I knew that you would realize it and come. You are certain you were not injured during your heroics?”

“I’m okay. I promise.”

 Spock ran his thumb over his bondmate’s bottom lip. “Will you lay down with me and rest?”

“Your head hurts, doesn’t it?”

“A little,” Spock admitted. “You here with me will ease it.”

They lay next to each other in the bed and Spock pulled Jim close.

“I don’t want to lose you ever,” Jim whispered.

“I feel the same.”

“Hey, Spock?”

“Yes, Ashayam?”

“It’s almost been two years.”

Spock blinked. “What has been almost two years?”

“Since our five year mission. Two years next month. We should totally have shore leave to celebrate. I’m gonna ask Starfleet.”

He refrained from sighing but barely. Jim on shore leave was never a good thing. Spock would be forced to keep a close eye on him. “Very well, Captain.”

Jim yawned. “I love you, Commander.”

“I love you, Captain.” 


	29. Second Year Anniversary

“Okay, this was truly an awesome idea,” Jim said, taking a slow sip from some blue-green concoction Bones had obtained for him.

He was surrounded by his bridge crew plus Scotty and Bones in a private room in a restaurant on Mara 4. They were having their second year anniversary celebration.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think about getting our own private room on shore leave before.”

“It was pretty easy to organize,” Uhura said, smiling a few seats down from him. Okay two seats down. To his left was Bones, to his right was Spock, and naturally Uhura had to sit next to Spock. Jim wasn’t jealous…exactly.

“Well, you did a great job, Lieutenant. Thanks for thinking of it.”

She shook her head. “It was Spock’s idea.”

“Spock?” Jim looked at his bondmate questioningly.

“I surmised since you were insistent passing our second year of our mission was cause for celebration that it would be more agreeable for a controlled celebration involving every one rather than having the crew scatter on Mara 4.”

Jim tapped his fingers on the table and narrowed his eyes at Spock. “You did this just so you could keep an eye on me, didn’t you?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “Keep an eye on you, Captain?”

“Don’t even think about giving me the innocent Vulcan act.” Jim took another sip of his drink. “You know I don’t get into _that_ much trouble I need to be watched by the whole damn crew.”

Bones snorted. “You gotta be kidding me.”

Sulu, sitting on the other side of Bones, smirked. “You do remember only two weeks ago you almost started a Federation incident on M-22.”

“That was barely my fault,” Jim protested. “And it could have happened to anyone.”

“Doubtful,” Bones mumbled.

“Besides, that was one incident—”

“Please, Keptin, even I know there have been many,” Chekov said cheerfully.

“Still, on shore leave? I’ve never caused any problems.”

“And your bondmate would like to keep it that way,” Uhura said, smothering a laugh as she glanced at an expressionless Spock.

Jim frowned, finding himself oddly annoyed by their banter. He shrugged and took another swallow and was glad when the conversation moved on to some other subject than him.

****

Jim was aware he was sulking a little as he sat in the corner of the private room and watched his crew dancing to the music the strange alien band played. He recognized an Orion and an Andorian but wasn’t sure what species the drummer was.

Whenever someone looked in his direction he refused to meet their gaze. Fuck them. He took a large swallow of yet another blue-green concoction. He should have learned the name instead of going to the bartender and saying another one of these, Jim guessed.

And when Spock looked his way, he changed the position of his chair so he wouldn’t be looking anywhere near the Vulcan. Jim took another gulp of his drink.

“You do not want to dance with the crew?” Spock suddenly appeared at his little corner table. Speak of the devil.

“Nope.”

A long silence during which he refused to look at Spock. He heard the scrape of a chair being brought to the table and then Spock sat, gracefully, of course. Jim snorted.

“What is wrong?” Spock asked.

“Nothing.”

“Why are you attempting to deceive me?”

“Because I don’t want to talk about it.”

“This has something to do with the celebration.”

Jim said nothing.

“You are shielding from me.”

“That’s right. Stay out of my damn mind.”

“How are you managing it? You are psi-null—”

“Practice. I’ve been practicing. Most of the time I don’t mind you knowing what’s in my head, in fact I like it, but when you try to guess my every thought it makes me uncomfortable.”

“Jim, I do not intend to intrude.”

He finally faced Spock. “Don’t you?”

“No. But when you will not share with me what is wrong I sometimes cannot seem to stop myself from trying to learn the truth through other means.” Spock looked unhappy. “I do not like my bondmate hiding information from me. You are my priority.”

Jim instantly softened. “Spock, I can’t help but want to have _some_ private thoughts. I’m not used to sharing every single thing with someone. And I-I don’t think I want to. Not _everything_ I think. And I swear I’m not deliberately trying to exclude you. You are a priority for me too. You have to know that I’d do anything for you, Spock.”

Spock reached for his hand and Jim accepted it, their fingers interlocking. “Then will you tell me what distresses you now?”

Jim frowned. “Do you really think I am incompetent? The crew? Do they think that? But mostly, do you?”

“Incompetent? Never.” Spock squeezed his hand. “I think you are an excellent starship commander and I would not serve under anyone else. You are the most courageous, brilliant, loyal, kind, and aesthetically pleasing man I have ever known.”

“But—”

“You are also the most brash, impetuous, reckless, and stubborn man I know. You give little regard to your own personal safety while protecting everyone else to your detriment. It is both admirable and infuriating. You fly in the face of logic time and time again. I do not believe you are capable of having a logical thought in your extraordinary brain. I am generally torn between wanting to strangle you and wanting to kiss you breathless. And I expect to feel this way by your side for all eternity. Or our eternity anyway.”

Jim grinned. “Well, if that wasn’t an undying declaration of love I don’t know what is.”

“As for the crew? I assure you, Captain, they do not find you incompetent. They border on hero worship. But they are also comfortable enough with you to believe they can tease you.”

“Well, shit, when you put it _that_ way, I seem like a jackass getting all bent out of shape over a little ribbing.” Jim sighed. “You sure know how to put me in my place, don’t you?”

“It is my duty as your first officer.” But Spock’s lips twitched just a little.

Jim resisted sitting in Spock’s lap just then, but just barely. Instead he scooted his chair really close so that he could rest his leg over top of Spock’s. “I remember last year, you know.”

“Last year? I remember it too. It is not difficult.”

He laughed. “I mean the celebration last year.” He shook his head. Spock was too much sometimes.

“To what in particular do you refer to?”

“I was on one end of the table. You were at the other end…with Uhura. I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.”

“Clarify.”

Jim sighed. “I loved you. You didn’t love me. You were with someone else. I was alone. Yeah, I felt like crap.”

“Jim, my affection for you did not spring up in the last year. I have held you in high regard even before my relationship with Nyota concluded when I learned of our bond.”

He snorted. “Maybe. But you still informed me not long after one year into our mission that you two were bonding. To be honest it didn’t seem like you were particularly conflicted with feelings for me.”

“At the time I was convinced they were feelings of friendship only,” Spock acknowledged.

“Thus why I was crying into my bourbon a year ago.”

“Crying? I did not see you crying.”

“An expression, Commander.”

Spock rested a hand on Jim’s leg. “You are well aware that you are of the utmost importance to me, Jim. Regardless of your prior doubts, you cannot have them now.”

“Yeah. But humans like to indulge in nostalgia. It’s kind of cool to see how far I’ve come in the last two years. From being dead to—” He stopped when he felt the tensing of Spock’s muscles underneath his leg. “I’m right here, Spock.”

“I know. I still do not wish to speak of it.”

“We weren’t even bonded then. So if I had never—”

“Do not try to lessen the experience from what it was. You died and I was destroyed. I loved you then, as my T’hy’la. I love you more now as we are bonded. One day the bond will be formalized, but the way we feel will not change, only grow stronger.”

Jim smiled. “There you go again, putting me in my place. I’m lucky you brought me up on charges.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “Indeed?”

“How else would we have met and become what we are? Oh I know the ambassador would have you believe it was some sort of universal destiny bullshit. I’m not so sure.”

 “I am not either.”

“See? So if I hadn’t been so inventive and you hadn’t been such an unfeeling bastard—” Jim laughed at Spock’s murderous expression. “Well, anyway. I’m glad we met, Mr. Spock.”

“I am also pleased at the outcome.”

Jim watched the crew dance and laugh for a moment. “Wanna go back to the Enterprise?”

“That would be most agreeable.”

Jim didn’t want to interrupt everyone’s fun to say goodbye so he grabbed Spock’s arm and went out a back entrance. They were just rounding a corner when Jim heard low voices and then what sounded like a scuffle.

Instantly on alert, Jim hurried forward.

“Jim, wait,” Spock urged.

Jim ignored him and entered the area where two big thugs were beating on…Chekov. Oh, hell no.

“You fuckers,” Jim growled. “Leave the kid alone.”

“Jim,” Spock said just as Jim took a swing at the biggest guy.

The guy rounded on Jim and landed a bunch to Jim’s stomach.

“Shit,” Jim groaned. “That fucking hurt.” He jumped on the guy’s back when he turned back to hit Chekov.

Spock, looking resigned, approached the other guy and neck pinched him. He made it look ridiculously easy and Jim felt more than a twinge of jealousy.

The big oaf he was attached to flung him to the ground and pulled out a phaser.

 _Oh great_. _Please be on stun_.

He fired and Jim fell.

****

Jim opened his eyes, slowly blinking. Spock’s dark eyes were the first thing he saw. And then the rest of him came into view. At least it felt like his own bed instead of one in the medbay.

“Hey.” He licked his lips. “You okay?”

“Yes.”

“Chekov?”

“Also all right though in medbay recovering.”

“This is what you meant, huh?”

“Clarify.”

“When you said I pretty much run into things without regard to my own personal safety. Not those precise words, but yeah, that’s kind of it.”

Spock nodded.

He sighed. “How come I’m not in medbay?”

“I convinced Dr. McCoy that it was not necessary. You were not seriously injured. You were stunned and have a few bruises.”

“Ah, I love you. What happened to those assholes attacking the ensign?”

“They were arrested. They were trying to steal from Ensign Chekov. They did have some rather severe injuries to be treated, however.”

“Serious injuries?” Jim frowned.

“Indeed.”

“From Chekov?”

“No.”

“From me?”

“Certainly not.”

Jim grimaced. “Well then…wait. Spock, did you—”

Spock gave a little shrug. “One of them shot you. And also touched your person with his fist.”

Jim opened his mouth and then closed it. “Still, you didn’t have to.”

“I did.”

He reached for Spock’s hand, touched his fingers to Spock’s in the Vulcan kiss. “Thank you.”

“You are welcome, Jim. I wish that you would not continue to put yourself in harm’s way. You must take your personal safety more seriously.”

“Chekov was being attacked, Spock. I couldn’t just let that happen.”

“I did not suggest you should but rather than place yourself in the imminent path of harm, we could have used phasers or summoned authorities. There were alternative methods to dispense with the difficulties. If that phaser had not been set to stun, you would have been killed.” Spock’s dark eyes were very serious. “I do not think you can be brought to life as easily as before.”

“That wasn’t so easy.”

Spock acknowledged that with a tilt of his head. “No, it was not. I do not wish to lose you so again so soon, Ashayam.”

“I know.” Jim brought Spock’s hand to his lips and kissed it. “I love you.”

“And I you.” Spock handed him his PADD. “When shore leave is over we have a new mission.”

Jim read the brief. “Omicron Ceti III? A lost colony?”

“It would seem so.”

“Okay. I’ll read up on it.” Jim yawned. “Tomorrow. Tired.”

“You do need to rest.”

“Stay with me?”

“Yes, Jim.”


	30. Omicron Ceti III

_Captain’s Log, Stardate 3417.3, the Enterprise has arrived at Omicron Ceti III. Several years ago a colony was founded on the planet, but sensors have indicated that the planet was affected by Berthold Rays, a deadly form of radiation. There has been no contact with the colony in some time and it is assumed they are deceased. We’re here to retrieve the remains and equipment of the lost colony_.

The first thing Jim noticed when he, Spock, Bones, and Uhura beamed to the planet surface was that there was a man, very much alive, approaching them. He stopped Spock from pulling out his phaser.

“Welcome,” the man greeted them with a pleasant smile.

Jim blinked. “I’m sorry. Who are you?”

“Elias Sandoval, leader of this colony.”

“Elias—”

Bones stepped up to the man and began to scan him with his tricorder. He nodded at Jim. “According to our records and this tricorder, this is indeed Sandoval, Jim.”

Sandoval’s smile was serene. “May I help you?” He looked down at Jim’s uniform. “Captain?”

“Captain James T. Kirk. Dr. McCoy, first officer, Spock, and Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Welcome, all of you. As you can see we are well.”

At that moment several other people came out from the nearest dwelling, a mixture of men and women, all smiling the same as Sandoval.

“No offense, Sandoval,” Jim said. “But you’re supposed to be dead.”

Sandoval laughed. “As you can see, Captain, we are all very much alive.” He called over a blonde woman. “Gwen, Why don’t you take some of our guests and show them around?”

“I’d love to,” she said. She gestured to Spock and Uhura. “Why don’t you come with me?”

Spock looked at Jim, but he nodded. He turned back to Sandoval. “How are you surviving?”

Bones walked alongside Jim as Sandoval led them toward the building.

“Surviving? Captain we aren’t just surviving. We are thriving as you can see.

Jim frowned and looked around, then looked up into the sky. “I don’t see so much as a bird. Are there no animals?”

“None,” Sandoval said cheerfully. “Naturally we had to all become vegetarians. That’s the healthier way anyway, isn’t it?”

“Jim?” Bones touched his sleeve.

“Hmm?”

“This man is Sandoval all right, but something is off.”

“Meaning?”

“According to all Starfleet records Sandoval’s appendix was removed when he was twenty-five.”

“Okay.”

“Well, this man has his appendix.”

Jim shrugged. “Wouldn’t be the first time Starfleet got something wrong, Bones.”

“Yeah,” Bones admitted reluctantly.

“Still something does seem off,” Jim agreed.

“Captain?” Sandoval called.

“Coming.” Jim flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Spock.”

Silence.

He frowned at Bones. “Kirk to Spock. Spock?”

Bones frowned and glance back at the building Sandoval had disappeared into.

“Spock?”

“What _is_ it, Captain?” Uhura’s voice and she sounded breathless.

“Lieutenant? Where’s Spock?”

She laughed. “He’s busy.”

“He’s what? Put Spock on now.”

She sighed heavily. “It’s Kirk.”

Jim clenched his jaw and waited.

“Yeah, what is it?”

“Spock?” Jim stared at his communicator.

“Right. What did you want?”

His heart thudded in his chest. “Commander?”

“Didn’t Nyota tell you I was busy?”

Jim blinked. His Jaw clenched tighter. “Commander Spock, you are to report to me immediately. Is that understood?”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Kirk out.”

“What the hell’s wrong with Spock?” Bones asked.

“Wish I knew.”

“Captain,” Sandoval called again.

“Come on, we’d better see what he wants.”

Jim and Bones went into the building. Sandoval was at the far end of the room next to a group of strange looking flowers.

“I wanted to show you some of our favorite plants, Captain,” Sandoval said.

Jim hung back. He was feeling very uneasy about Spock. That behavior was not normal for Spock. Hell, even his speech was off.

“Uh, yeah.” He lowered his voice. “Bones, you go see what’s so great about these plants. I’m going to go see what’s up with Spock.”

“Be careful, Jim.”

“Yeah, you too.”

Jim left the building and headed in the direction the woman had taken Spock and Uhura earlier. It wasn’t long before he came upon a group of plants similar to the ones Sandoval had intended to show him, but he walked around them and kept going.

He had to admit he found the lack of animal life odd. Even if they were vegetarians, why were there no animals at all? Weird.

Jim stopped in his tracks. In front of him just a few yards away stood his _bondmate_. Spock’s hands were on Uhura’s waist and her arms were around Spock’s neck. They were kissing.

He stumbled backwards. And backwards again. Bile rose in his throat and he shook his head.

 _Nonono_.

He could not…would not handle this. Not right now. Not ever. But Jesus. He had fucking work to do here. Jim turned and walked away back toward Sandoval, ignoring the ache in his chest.

Bones came flying out of the building holding a plant. He had a huge grin on his face. “Jim! These things are great! I love it here.”

“What the fuck?”

“You gotta see.” Bones started aiming the flowering plant at him.

Jim dodged it just as spores shot out of it. “What the hell is that?”

“Jim, you gotta try it. It’s great. I’m gonna live here.”

“Over my dead body. What the fuck has gotten into you? Put that fucking plant down. I’m going back to the Enterprise and see if I can figure this out.” He flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise. One to beam up.”

Laughter. “Are you sure, Captain?”

“Am. I. Sure?”

“Yeah, well, a bunch of us are coming down there, so maybe you should stay?”

“Excuse me?”

Bones slapped him on the shoulder. “I’ve been meaning to tell you. We’ve been beaming up plants to the Enterprise.”

“You? What?”

Bones grinned. “Yeah, isn’t it great? We’re going to form a giant colony down here. We won’t need the Enterprise anymore.”

Jim turned away from him. “Beam. Me. Up. Now.”

More laughter. “Suit yourself.”

As soon as Jim stepped off the transporter, a group of his crew, all wearing identical smiles, got up on the transporter and were beamed down to the planet surface. There were flowered plants like the ones on Omicron Ceti III all over the transporter room and in the corridors.

More crew members, including Chekov and Sulu, declared they, too, were headed down to the planet.

“That’s mutiny,” Jim said, dumbfounded.

“Vell, but you could come vith us, Keptin,” Chekov said cheerfully.

He felt like he was living a nightmare. His crew rapidly abandoning ship, turning their backs on him, and Spock…leaving him for Uhura? It had to be a dream. This couldn’t be happening to him.

When he entered the bridge it was empty. Save for more of the damn plant. Jim’s head was swimming and his pulse beat rapidly. He’d go down in history as the captain who lost his whole crew. God, he really was that incompetent.

He sank into his captain’s chair and buried his face in his hands. What the hell was he supposed to do?

A noise made him look up and he was just in time to see a flower aim in his direction and spray him directly in the face.

Jim felt incredible peace and happiness. Why was he so worried? What did it matter? He didn’t need the Enterprise. Or Spock. Hell, there were lots of pretty ladies to mend his broken heart with down on the planet. It was pointless to be upset.

Shaking his head, Jim rose from his captain’s chair and headed off the bridge. He’d beam back to the planet and tell Bones he was ready to be happy there.

The transporter was empty save for the plants. He went to the controls and was about to set them so he could beam down to the planet.

Jim stopped and stared at them. Wait. This was the Enterprise. _His_ ship. The ship and the crew he’d literally given his life for. Why should he have to give it up?

“I won’t! I won’t give it up. This is _my_ fucking ship.” He slammed his fist down on the console. Jim blew out a breath. “Fucking spores. It won’t be that easy to turn _me_ into a zombie.”

And he was damn well going to get his crew back. Starting with his bastard first officer.

“Kirk to Spock,” he forced his voice to sound as pleasant as he could even though he was still seething with anger and hurt.

“Jim?”

“Oh, hey, Spock. Listen, I’m about to come down to the planet to live in peace and harmony.”

“That is great to hear, Jim. I look forward to you joining us.”

 _I bet_.

“But there’s something I need help with up here, so, um, do you think you could come up and help me with it?”

“Do you need extensive help?”

“No, no. We can handle it, you and I.”

“All right, Jim. Spock out.”

Jim exhaled. He was going to have to emotionally compromise Spock again. He didn’t want to, even despite Spock’s betrayal, but he needed Spock on his side if he was going to get the Enterprise’s crew back.

He hit the controls and Spock appeared on the transporter smiling. Weird. A smiling Vulcan was just a little…okay a lot…odd.

“Well, well, if it isn’t the bastard who used to be my first officer.”

“Jim?”

He shook his head. “ _Captain_ , Mr. Spock. You have to call me Captain. Because that’s what I am. Pike wanted me over you. He always did. Thought I was much better for the job than you.”

Spock shook his head. “That is not—”

“But then, really, who wants a robot for a commanding officer. Or a lover, for that matter. Boring.”

“What?”

“You heard me, Pointy. I’m not sure how your mother could stand having a Vulcan for a husband. Day after day, night after night. Logical, logical.” Jim rolled his eyes.

“My parents loved each other.”

Jim laughed. “Oh, right, what does a Vulcan know about love? Do Vulcans even have hearts? Or is it all just mechanisms?”

Spock frowned. “Jim—”

“ _Captain_ , Spock. You aren’t allowed to call me by my first name. You don’t have that right. You can call your whore lover by her name.”

Spock’s eyes went very dark, his jaw rigid. “Captain.”

“Yeah, Mr. Spock? Gonna choke me again? Going to try to maroon me on Delta Vega again? Does it make you feel good to know I was almost eaten by not one but two monsters there? But you don’t care about that. Go on, Spock, you know you want to strangle me. You said so yourself.”

But Spock just stared at him, looking dark and murderous.

“You disgust me,” Jim said.

And then Spock launched himself at Jim, knocking him against the wall. The force was so strong, the air whooshed out of his lungs and then Spock grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and held him off the ground. Jim gasped for air.

Then very carefully, Spock set him down. He blinked and turned away. “Jim?” his voice sounded hoarse, pained.

“Yeah, Spock.” He closed his eyes, pushing away the pain as best he could.

“I—”

He shook his head. “Save it. I don’t have time. Are you…back to normal?”

Spock turned to him. His dark eyes looking a little lost. “Yes, Captain.”

Jim nodded. “Good. I think that’s the key here. Anger. So, I think if we can find a way to make everyone angry on the planet we can get our crew back.”

Spock yanked down the hem of his uniform. “I believe we can create a subsonic device and use the frequencies through the communicators on the planet, Captain.”

“Let’s do it then.”

Spock hesitated. “Jim, Nyota—”

“I can’t hear about your personal betrayal right now, Spock,” Jim said. “I’m barely hanging on here. I do owe you an apology though.”

“Captain?”

“I’m sorry I had to say all those things just now. I didn’t know what else to do. It was all crap. I know Vulcans have hearts. And I know they sure know how to break mine.”

“Jim.”

Jim shook his head. “Just-just help me get my ship back, Commander.”

“Very well, Captain. I will work on the subsonic device at once.”

****

“How long are you gonna hide in here, Jim?”

Jim shook his head and took another sip of the bourbon Bones had poured for him. “I’m not hiding.” He leaned back in his chair, his booted feet on Bones’ desk.

“Could have fooled me. You’ve been here ever since the crew came back on board.”

“Spock has the conn. He can handle it.”

Bones sighed. “We were all under the influence of those plants, Jim.”

“I know.”

“Even the colonists. What will be done with them?”

“We’re dropping them off at Starbase 8.”

Bones poured more into Jim’s glass. “Spock, too.”

He shook his head. “No, I’m not dropping him off on Starbase 8.”

“You know what I mean. He was under the influence of those spores.”

“Yeah.” He took another swallow.

“The crew wouldn’t have left you if it wasn’t for the spores. You know that, Jim. They all look up to you.”

Jim simply nodded.

“How long do you plan on sulking about this?”

“I’m not sulking.”

“No?”

“It’s very humbling, you know.”

Bones sighed. “Are you going to talk to Spock?”

Jim shrugged. “What’s to talk about?”

“You’re being an ass.”

“Oh, sure. I caught Uhura with her tongue down Spock’s throat but I’m being an ass. Fuck you, Bones.” He finished the glass of bourbon. “Another.”

“Not sure that’s a good idea.”

“Well I can still feel, so I want another.”

Bones poured more. “God knows I never expected to defend the hobgoblin, Jim, but you know very well he cares about you.”

“I-I put myself out there, Bones. I gave myself fully to someone for the first time. Do you know how hard that was for me?”

“Yeah, I do, kid.”

Jim wiped at his eyes. “It hurts.”

“I know.”

“I should see them both off this ship.”

“You don’t mean that, Jim. You need to talk to him.”

Jim clenched his eyes shut. “I said some really bad shit to him. I think we’re done.”

“Just like that? The Jim Kirk I know is a fighter.”

“I’m tired of fighting.”

“Bullshit. You’ve fought your whole life. You don’t give up. You think you would have come back from the dead if you were a quitter? No matter how much super blood I pumped into you that was mostly you, Jim.”

“You’re my best friend, Bones.”

“Tell me something I don’t know. And don’t get all mushy on me. Go back to your quarters and get sober. You need to be sober before you talk to Spock.”

Jim blew out a breath. “I don’t want to.”

“But you will.”

He stood up. “Yeah I will.”

Jim made it to the nearest turbolift with his head down. He didn’t want to meet the gaze of anyone. Didn’t want them to see the naked pain he was certain could be seen.

He’d barely entered his quarters when the door beeped. For one brief second he thought it might be Spock, but no, it was not. He knew enough even with their currently closed bond, was it him or Spock that had closed it off, that it was not Spock.

Bones, maybe?

He rubbed his eyes. “Come in.”

Uhura entered his quarters and all he could do was stare at her, pain flaring through his chest.

“Get out,” he whispered.

“No. Jim, please, can I talk to you?”

“Lieutenant—”

“Can we please be Nyota and Jim right now? Not Captain and Lieutenant?”

Jim didn’t answer. He just stared at her.

Her eyes were filled with tears. “I’m sorry. It’s not his fault, it was mine.”

“It—”

“Please, let me speak. It was the spores. I got a little crazy. I thought…for a moment we were still together. We’d been laughing and joking, totally under the influence of those damn plants. He was hanging from a tree when you called him. Then he got down and I got a little crazy and I kissed him.”

Jim winced and turned away.

“He never would have kissed me, Jim. He was just reacting to the kiss I gave him. Even under the influence of the spores, he’d never betray you.” She stepped toward him and touched his arm. “Jim, Spock ended the kiss the moment he sensed you were there but you’d already left. Nothing else happened between us and nothing else ever would.”

“I know. Some part of me knows that. I just…it really hurt.”

“Oh, Jim, I’m sorry I hurt you. And Spock. This is my fault.”

He nodded. “It was the spores. But I said some things—”

She shook her head. “Spock has already forgiven you. Jim, he heard you say you wanted us off the ship.”

“What?”

“We were coming to find you. We heard what you told Leonard.”

“I was just talking.”

“I figured. But Spock kind of freaked out. I don’t know he got really strange and said he would leave the Enterprise when we got to Starbase 8 and go to New Vulcan to undergo Kolinahr.”

“Kolinahr?” Jim felt sick.

“You’d better go to him.”

He nodded, swallowing hard. He brushed past her and out into the corridor to Spock’s quarters.

Spock ignored the door. Jim entered Spock’s usual code, but the door did not open.

“Fuck,” he swore.

He entered his highest override code and the door slid open. Jim entered and it closed behind him. He was instantly hit by a searing blast of heat.

“Spock? Jesus, it’s sweltering in here.”

Spock sat on the floor, wearing a black robe, his head bent. Incense burned so strong it stung his eyes.

“Spock?”

“You should leave, Captain.”

“Maybe but I’m not going to. Why is it so fucking hot? Even for you.”

Spock growled low.

Jim blinked. “Uh, Spock? Can we talk?”

“I desire thee.”

“Um. Okay.” Jim crouched down next to him.

“Go before it is too late.”

He touched Spock’s shoulder. “Spock, I’m not going anywhere. We need to talk about the spores and the—”

Suddenly he found himself flat on his back with Spock’s face right next to his. Spock’s eyes blazed. “Mine!”


	31. Pon Farr

All he could smell…all he could feel…was Jim. He wished to consume him. As Jim consumed Spock. He could not…would not let Jim get away from him.

“Mine,” he growled into Jim’s throat, even as his teeth sunk into the pulse there. “T’hy’la, mine.”

Jim gasped underneath him, struggling a little under Spock’s weight. Spock held him down. He would not let the human get away. He belonged to Spock.

“Spock…Spock easy on the teeth. Ouch.”

Spock’s tongue lashed out at the bite mark he’d left on his human. “Mine.”

“Yeah, um, yeah,” Jim said, breathlessly. He tried once more to push on Spock’s shoulders but he didn’t manage to budge Spock. “’kay, I guess we’re going to stay this way?”

Spock mouthed Jim’s jaw, sucking alone the jawline as he went.

“That-that’s nice, but, um, are you leaving marks?”

Spock shrugged and nipped on one of Jim’s ears.

“Ouch, fuck.”

“Yes, fuck,” Spock agreed, grinding his erection against Jim. “Fuck Jim.”

“Um, okay, but shouldn’t we talk first?”

Spock found Jim’s mouth with his and he began to ravage the human’s lips, pushing his tongue past the chapped lips to the hot moistness inside. He ground against Jim, but it wasn’t enough to soothe the ache in his cock. He had to be inside Jim, had to be pounding into his human.

Jim pulled his mouth away on a gasp. “Wait, wait, Spock, are you—”

“I must have thee now,” Spock said, reaching for Jim’s shirt. It was in the way. Skin. Spock needed the feel of Jim’s bare skin. Now. He tore the gold shirt and the black underneath it.

“Oh, Jesus,” Jim breathed. “You are, aren’t you? You’re in Pon Farr.”

Spock’s hands rubbed all over Jim’s now exposed chest. Skin. Naked skin. He licked from Jim’s throat down across his nipples and then down to the light fur of his stomach.

“Fuck. Not-not sure I was ready for this.” Jim laughed a little. “I guess it doesn’t matter if I was ready. It’s happening.”

Spock ignored his babbling. Jim always babbled and Spock mostly ignored it. This would be no exception. But now he needed Jim’s pants off. Needed naked. Needed to claim his human. No one else must have him.

“Wait, Spock, I need to let someone know,” Jim said, even as Spock tore his pants in his desire to remove them now. He reached for Jim’s boots and yanked hard. “Ouch. Fuck. My feet are in there.”

Spock burned as he gazed down at his now completely nude bondmate. “Mine.”

“Yeah, I know. Jesus, it’s hot in here. Does it have to be this fucking hot?”

Spock divested himself of his robe and reached for the lube he had nearby. He flipped Jim onto his stomach.

“Spock! At least let me contact Bones.”

Spock growled. “He cannot have thee.”

Jim laughed. “He doesn’t want me.”

“Need,” Spock moaned. His cock jumped eagerly as his fingers parted the cheeks of Jim’s ass. He barely managed to spread lube into Jim before he poised the head of his cock at Jim’s hole and pushed in.

“Ah,” Jim gasped.

Spock rutted frantically, thrusting in again and again, holding Jim’s hands down above his head as over and over he pounded into his mate. He burned with need, with want, with powerful lust warring with intense love.

He snaked his arm under Jim’s stomach, lifting him slightly so he could bury himself deeper still in the clenching heat. He lost track of how long he moved within Jim, he just needed to keep doing it, to get the relief he so desperately needed.

And then finally…finally he came with a shout, filling his human.

Spock collapsed on Jim, the mating fever placated for the moment, but Spock knew it would not be long. Already he could scent his mate. He buried his nose in the back of Jim’s head, inhaling the crisp apple scent of his shampoo.

He closed his eyes.

****

“Yeah, so, can you have Scotty take the command? And you better not disturb us unless it’s an extreme emergency like Klingons on the bridge or something. No, I have no idea.”

Spock blinked and reached for his mate. Jim was not within arm’s reach. He growled and rose to his knees.

“Uh, looks like he’s awake. I better go. Thanks Bones. Kirk out.”

Jim was sitting on the edge of Spock’s bed, holding his communicator. He set it down on the table. “Hi.”

“Mine.”

“Yes.” Jim smiled.

Spock launched himself at Jim, knocking him down until he lay underneath him on the bed. He threaded his fingers through Jim’s hair and crushed their mouths together. His cock was painfully hard. He lifted Jim’s legs high in the air and entered him in one long push.

“I’m gonna be really sore when this is done, huh?”

And Spock proceeded to take him again and again.

****

Jim lay across Spock’s chest, held very close. Spock’s arms were wrapped tightly around Jim’s torso as though he never wanted to let go.

Spock exhaled. It seemed the worst of the Pon Farr had ceased. He did not know how long the fever had lasted. He remembered at one point stopping to make sure Jim ate. He had replicated food which he’d pushed toward Jim. The whole time Jim had eaten, Spock had watched him carefully, waiting for when he could have him again.

Now that the fever had eased, Spock felt a little ashamed. The constant aggression of Spock entering him could not have been entirely pleasant for Jim.

Spock eased them apart being careful not to disturb his lover. Jim snuggled into the bed with a sigh. There were bruises all over Jim, his jaw, his chest, his thighs. Humans called them hickeys. Spock had been licking and sucking Jim everywhere. Marking his property.

The Pon Farr had been brought on by the problems they’d experienced on Omicron Ceti III. The ancient warrior bond between them had been afraid it had been fractured and sought to repair with the mating. 

Jim had come to his quarters to talk to Spock and Spock had attacked him like a sexual deviant. He was not proud or pleased with himself. But he did not think Jim was angry with him. For this Spock was gratified.

He rose from the bed and found his robe, which he re-dressed in. He got himself tea and a small meal to replenish his own strength, while he watched Jim sleep. His bondmate deserved all the rest he could get. Spock intended to take all of his captain’s shifts until Jim was completely rested.

Assuring himself that Jim still slept and peacefully, Spock went into their shared bathroom and showered and changed into his uniform.  He took out his communicator.

“Spock to medbay.”

“Spock? Damnit, it’s about time! How’s Jim?” McCoy asked, anxiously.

“He is sleeping at the moment, doctor. I wish to keep him that way. He requires rest.”

“Does he need medical attention?”

“Not of an immediate nature. How long were—how many days, doctor?”

“This was the third day. I was about to come in and check on you.”

Spock nodded. “It is not necessary. I am going to report to the bridge. I do not want anyone to disturb the captain unless I give the order to do so. Is that clear, doctor?”

“Yes, but he better be all right.”

“Doctor, I assure you his welfare is of the utmost priority to me. Spock out.”

Spock went back into his quarters and went straight to the bed. He sat on the edge and then reached his fingers lightly to Jim’s face. “Sleep, Ashayam.”

He adjusted the temperature of the room for Jim’s comfort.

Satisfied, Jim would sleep for several more hours; Spock exited his quarters and set in his code to lock it.

When he entered the bridge he felt all eyes on him. He knew the crew was concerned for their captain. Some of them had expressed remorse over their behavior on Omicron Ceti III.

“Commander, is the Keptin all right?” Chekov asked as Spock sat in the Captain’s chair.

“Affirmative, Ensign.” Spock did not see the need to elaborate.

Chekov and Sulu both turned to face front.

Spock felt Nyota’s gaze burning a hole in the back of his head, but he did not know if he could speak with her. The spores were at fault for their behavior on Omicron Ceti III. Logically he knew that. He even knew logically Jim knew it.

“Commander, may I have a word with you?” she asked after a while.

“What is it, Lieutenant?”

“Privately.”

He nodded stiffly and went to her station.

“Are you all right?” she asked softly.

“Yes, Lieutenant.”

“Spock.” She sighed. “How’s Jim?”

“He is sleeping.”

“That’s not exactly an answer. Are you two all right?”

“I do not know,” he admitted. “We have been unable to talk since I was in…Pon Farr.”

“Oh. Of course.” Her eyes were wide. “I told him how sorry I was.”

“I am certain he knows your apology is sincere.”

“It is,” she said. “I’m sorry to both of you. I never meant to hurt you.”

“I know, Nyota.”

“Are we—we still going to be friends?”

Spock nodded and went back to the captain’s chair to finish out the shift.

When he entered his quarters, he knew immediately that though Jim had not fully awakened, he was starting to stir. Spock went to the replicator and obtained tea for both of them.

He set them down on the desk and then approached the bed, once more positioning himself on the edge.

Jim’s eyes opened and he blinked them rapidly before focusing on Spock. “Hey.”

Spock stroked the hair off Jim’s forehead. “Ashayam.”

“How long have I been sleeping?”

“A few hours. I covered the bridge. I wished to allow you to rest.”

Jim nodded, still looking a little groggy. He sat up.

“”Do you wish tea?” Spock went and got one of the cups and brought it to Jim. “This may assist you in your recovery.”

Jim smiled a little. “Does it get rid of soreness?”

“No,” Spock admitted.

“No offense, Spock, but I think my ass is out of commission for a few days.”

Spock kept the wince off his face. “I am sorry.”

Jim took a sip of the tea. “I know. Pon Farr. So, we have seven years before we have to deal with that again, right?”

“Yes, Jim.”

“There could have been worse things to have to deal with, that’s for sure. Lots of non-stop sex isn’t that bad.”

“I hurt you.”

“A little. But it’s not anything I can’t handle.” Jim set the tea down on the table nearby. “Speaking of things I can’t handle.”

Spock exhaled very slowly. “I would rather die a hundred deaths than hurt you, T’hy’la.”

“I know. I know what happened wasn’t really your fault. It’s just, any other woman, but it had to be Uhura, the one you have a past with.”

“It _is_ the past. There is no one else for me. Even if you did see me off the ship.”

Jim reached for Spock’s hand and clasped it. “I didn’t mean that. I want you by my side always.”

Spock nodded, feeling an illogical impulse to give into the relief he felt. “I wish that also.”

“So no more bullshit about Kolinahr, right?”

“I will not seek it.”

“Good. You’re hard enough to deal with now let alone if you purge all emotion.” Jim smiled. “I’m still fucking tired.”

“I am sure. I would be gratified if you would rest more. I have some reports to do but thought I would do them here where I can be with you while you sleep.”

Jim yawned. “’Kay. Deal.”

He gently pressed Jim down flat on the bed, and leaned down to kiss his lips. Then he rose and went to work behind his desk. He had barely turned on the terminal when he glanced toward the bed to see Jim had already fallen back asleep.


	32. Apologies

Chapter 32

“Keptin, may I have a vord vith you?” Chekov asked, standing rather awkwardly next to the table in the mess that Jim sat with Spock and Bones.

Jim smiled, but inside he very much feared this was yet another crew member coming to apologize.

“I am going to get another cup of tea, Captain,” Spock said, standing. “Do you need more coffee?”

“Yeah, that would be great. Thanks, Spock.”

“I’ll get one too,” Bones muttered, following after Spock.

Jim gestured to the chair across from him that Bones had vacated. “What’s up, Ensign?”

“I vanted to apologize.”

Jim had to try very hard to keep the exasperation from showing. “Oh?”

“I never vould have left the ship if it vere not for the spores on Omicron Ceti III. You are my captain and I do not wish to serve under anyone else.”

“Ensign. Pavel.” He noticed Chekov’s eyes go wide at his use of his first name. “I know you were under the influence of the spores from the plants. It’s all right. I don’t blame you.”

Chekov looked relieved. “Thank you, Keptin.” He glanced over at Spock and Bones who were still standing next to the replicators. “I will leave you now, sir.”

“Thank you, Ensign.”

As soon as Chekov moved away, Spock and Bones rejoined him. Spock set Jim’s coffee in front of him.

“Another one?” Bones asked with a snicker.

“Can you believe it?” Jim shook his head. “I think I need to make a ship wide announcement.”

“A ship wide announcement, Captain?” This from Spock as he sipped his tea.

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “Attention crew of the Enterprise, I know it was the spores. Don’t fret. Kirk out.”

Spock merely raised a brow.

“All I can say,” Bones said, “is I’d like a nice peaceful mission. For you know a year or two.”

“That is hardly likely, doctor.”

“Well, I can dream, can’t I?”

Jim smiled behind his coffee. This was what he wanted all along. His ship. His crew. Spock beside him. Bones across from him. It didn’t get much better than this.

“You are illogically pleased with yourself,” Spock commented.

“Am not. I’m just pleased in general. Not particularly with myself. And I suppose it is illogical. I’m an illogical human, Mr. Spock.”

“Yes,” Spock said, sounding rather resigned. “I have come to accept this.”

Jim rolled his eyes and took another sip of his coffee. “Yes, I suppose you have. Just as I have had to accept some certain things about you.”

“About me, Captain?”

“Oh, it’s all right, Spock. I know it’s not something you can help.”

Bones chuckled.

“To what do you refer?” Spock asked.

“It’s nothing, Spock.” Jim smirked. “Finish your tea.”

“Captain, I would like to know what it is about me you have had to accept.”

Still chuckling, Bones rose. “I better get back to medbay. See you later, Jim.”

“See you, Bones.”

Jim shook his head when Bones had left. “I’m just teasing you, Spock.”

“Teasing?”

“Yeah, because you said you had to accept me being illogical.”

“It is simply a fact. You are illogical.”

“I know, Spock.”

Spock shook his head, clearly not understanding his illogical bondmate at all. He finished his tea and then stared at Jim assessingly. “You do not appear rested.”

“I’m fine. Nothing two or three cups of coffee won’t cure.”

“You only ate fruit and one small piece of fish.”

“Spock, are you my boyfriend or my doctor?”

“I am your bondmate. Your welfare is—”

“Your priority. I know.” Jim rolled his eyes. “I can take care of myself. I have been for years. Even before I met you and Bones I managed to survive.”

Spock’s dark eyes went downright chilly. “I will be on the bridge, Captain.” And then he rose and left the mess.

Jim rubbed his temples. How’d he end up with a damn Vulcan, anyway? He turned on his PADD and got up to get himself another cup of coffee. He’d probably have to pee all damn day but at least he’d be awake.

He’d been so engrossed in doing a report about their last mission, he didn’t notice someone had sat across from him until a throat cleared.

Jim looked up to see Scotty sitting there holding his own cup of coffee. “Hello.”

“Captain.”

“Please tell me you aren’t here to apologize for the plant inspired mutiny.”

Scotty smiled. “No, nothing like that. I know you’re aware we were under the influence.”

“Yeah. So, what’s up then? Something wrong with the engines?”

“God forbid. I wouldn’t be so calm if that were the case.”

Jim nodded. “Okay, then mind telling me what you do want to talk about?”

Scotty looked around the mess, and then under the table. Jim hid a smile. “It’s of a romantic nature.”

“Ah, I see.” Jim lifted his cup of coffee to his lips and took a sip. “I’m flattered and all, Scotty, but I’m already in a serious relationship with Spock.” Then he laughed.

Scotty rolled his eyes. “I’m serious.”

Jim put on a serious face. “Okay. Yeah. So, what’s the problem?”

“Well, I have my eye on a lass and I’m not sure how to go about wooing her.”

“Hm. Well, I’m not sure I’m the best guy to come to for romance advice. This is my first relationship, _actual_ relationship, and I’m pretty sure things are kind of frosty between me and Spock right now. Who’s the girl anyway?”

“Carol Marcus.”

Jim blinked. “Really?”

Scotty frowned, looking very unhappy. “You think I’m not her type?”

“No. Well…hell. I don’t know what type her type is.” Jim ran his hand through his hair. Not long after their five year mission began there had been a bit of flirting between him and Carol. They’d even gotten to the point where they _almost_ had sex. But Jim liked Carol and didn’t think she deserved the casual fling it would have been with him since his heart belonged to Spock. “But, you know, what about Lieutenant Romaine?”

“She’s on Memory Alpha, Captain,” Mr. Scott said, as though that explained it all. Maybe it did.

“I see. Scotty, why don’t you just ask her to dinner or something? That’s how Spock started with me.”

“He did?”

Jim smiled. “Yeah, he did. Dinner and a movie. Very old fashioned. Carol’s very sweet. I’m sure she’d love to have dinner with you.” Jim didn’t really know whether she would or not, but from what he knew of Carol, she was very sweet, and would at least attempt to be nice to Scotty if she weren’t interested.

“All right. That’s what I’ll do.”

“Excellent, Mr. Scott.” Jim subtly looked at his PADD.

Scotty got it. “Right. I’ll leave you to it then, Captain.”

“Thanks.” Jim watched him leave the mess and then returned to his PADD. He finished his report and the saw a message from Starfleet on their next mission.

 _Routine inspection of an unmanned station on Gamma II_.

Oh, sure, Jim thought. Nothing ever seemed particularly routine when he was involved. He took his communicator out.

“Kirk to the bridge.”

“Spock here, Captain.”

“Have a course laid in for Gamma II, Mr. Spock. Have to go there for an inspection.”

“Aye, sir.”

Jim hesitated. “I’m going to be in my quarters. Contact me if I’m needed.”

“Understood. Spock out.”

Jim left the mess and headed to his quarters. He couldn’t deny even after three cups of coffee he was still tired as hell. He had more reports to do but he found himself setting his PADD on his desk and instead making his way to his bed. Perhaps just a few minutes.

_“You will give me what I want now.”_

_Jim shook his head. “And what is that?”_

_The Vulcan stepped close to him, fingers rising toward his psi-points. “This, James.” His lips lowered to Jim’s. “And this.”_

_Hard, demanding lips crushed his even as the fingers pressed onto his face, seeking Jim’s mind. Jim’s eyes closed and he relaxed against the bearded Vulcan._

“Jim.”

He was shaken awake. Jim stared into Spock’s dark, concerned eyes. “Spock?”

“You were whimpering in your sleep,” Spock explained. His hand brushed over Jim’s cheek soothingly. “A dream?”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Jim blew out a breath. “Is everything okay?”

“Yes, T’hy’la. I came to check on you. I am concerned for you.”

“I know. I’m sorry I was a bit of a dick to you earlier.”

Spock kissed him lightly. “You are forgiven. But I can see you have not yet rested enough. There are dark circles under your eyes.”

“Too many stressful missions lately.”

“Indeed **.** Perhaps you could leave Gamma II to me.”

Jim smiled. “A routine mission.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “According to whom?”

“Starfleet.” Jim sat up and wrapped his arms around Spock, resting his head against his shoulder. “This is nice. I wish we could do more of this.”

“I too would find it pleasing.”

Jim closed his eyes and sighed. “Guess I should report to the bridge.”

“I would have you rest longer. I have the bridge under control, Jim.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. I will wake you as we approach Gamma II.”

“Okay, kiss me first.”

Spock kissed him thoroughly and then rose from the bed. “Sleep, Ashayam. Duty will call soon enough.”

Jim closed his eyes.

   
   


	33. Gamesters

It was three point four hours later when Jim stepped out of the turbolift.

“Captain on the bridge,” Sulu announced.

Spock stood at once to hand over the chair to Jim. The smile Jim offered him was a mere ghost of his usual smile.

“Thank you, Mr. Spock.” Jim said, taking his seat. “Status report, Mr. Sulu.”

Spock stayed by Jim’s side for a minute longer before reluctantly going to his station.

“Ten minutes before orbiting Gamma II, Captain.”

Jim nodded and took the PADD a yeoman offered him. He signed it and handed it back to her without even glancing at it.

Spock stared at him. There was something definitely off about his captain. And he couldn’t tell what it was from the bond either. Which most likely meant Jim had put up mental shields again. Spock was not pleased.

He stood up and went to Jim. “Captain, may I have a word with you?”

Jim looked at him in surprise. “Now?”

“Affirmative.”

Jim blinked and then stood up and followed Spock to his station. “What is it?”

“Something is wrong.”

“With what?”

“You.”

“Are we really gonna do this now on the bridge?” Jim shook his head. “I’m fine, Spock. Nothing is wrong. We’re just going to do the inspection on Gamma II and be on our way.”

“Jim—”

And right before Spock’s eyes Jim vanished. It wasn’t as though Spock looked away and when he looked back Jim was gone. No. He had been looking right at him.

“Captain, Chekov is gone,” Sulu said, turning around. His eyes widened. “Where is the Captain?”

Spock tore his gaze from the spot Jim had been to glance at Chekov’s station. Empty.

He turned to Nyota. “Lieutenant—” But she was gone.

Sulu stood up. “Commander, the captain, Chekov and Uhura are gone.”

“Obviously, Lieutenant.” Spock went to the conn on the captain’s chair. “Computer, locate Captain James T. Kirk.”

“James T. Kirk, Captain. Not currently on board.”

“Locate Lieutenant Uhura.”

“Nyota Uhura, Lieutenant. Not currently on board.”

Spock said, “Ensign Chekov.”

“Pavel Chekov, Ensign. Not currently on board.”

“What the hell?” Sulu asked.

“Someone or something has abducted the captain and the others,” Spock said. He remained calm. He would have to, of course. It would be up to him to find Jim. And Spock would find him. He’d found Jim before and he would find him again.

A new navigator went to sit in Chekov’s chair and Sulu barely held back his hostile glare. “Commander, what do we do?”

“Begin to scan nearby planets for signs of them, Lieutenant.”

****

“Well? Have you found them yet?” Dr. McCoy demanded as soon as he stepped off the turbolift.

It was the fourth time in the last twenty six hours that McCoy had come to the bridge asking this same question. Spock had not left the bridge in that time.

“Doctor, you would be among the first to know if I had,” Spock said with a calmness he wasn’t entirely sure he felt. Anxiety was illogical.

“Where the hell are they?”

Spock did not answer him, because he knew the doctor was fond of rhetorical questions.

“Knowing Jim, he’s probably injured,” McCoy muttered.

“Doctor, if it is all the same to you I do not wish to speculate on the possible injuries of the captain.”

“Fine. Then _do_ something.”

Spock wanted to throw the doctor off the bridge but instead, he turned away from him. Sulu and other members of the bridge crew were scanning for Jim, Nyota, and Chekov. They’d also remained on their posts.

The doctor shifted. “How do we even know they are alive?”

“The bond I share with the captain has not been severed, doctor,” Spock said coolly.

“Oh, right. The mind thingy. Well, why don’t you use it to find out where Jim is?”

“Of course I would not have thought of that if you were not here to tell me the obvious, doctor. The bond is silent.”

“Oh. You tried it. Well, if the bond is silent, how do you know Jim is all right?”

Spock held onto his patience with years of practice and meditation. “I did not say he was all right. I said he was alive. Doctor, if you insist on remaining on the bridge you must do so quietly.”

McCoy huffed but crossed his arms and stood silently by Spock in the captain’s chair.

“Commander,” Sulu said excitedly into the sudden quiet. “I have the captain’s signal.”

“Where?”

“In a sector next to this one, sir. A planet known as Triskelion.”

“Plot a course.”

“Another sector? How the hell did Jim end up there?” McCoy demanded.

“I also have the signals of Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Chekov, Commander,” Sulu announced. “Also from Triskelion.”

Spock nodded. “Is the course plotted?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Warp four.”

Spock tried again to reach Jim through their bond but it remained dormant, just out of reach in the back of Spock’s mind.

****

“Commander, we’re caught in some kind of energy field,” Sulu said just as they entered the orbit of Triskelion. “Controls won’t operate.”

“Take evasive action, Lieutenant.”

Sulu shook his head. “No response, sir. I can’t do anything.”

Just then the screen flashed and they all watched as Captain Kirk appeared. His uniform shirts had been replaced with leather straps crisscrossed over his bare chest. Around his neck was some kind of collar. He faced three flashing brains on pedestals.

Spock stood and walked closer to the screen.

“If we win the battle,” Jim was speaking, “you not only let us go and return us to our ship, and free the ship, but you also let all the thralls go and use your intelligence to help them build new and better lives.”

“And if our champions win?” A deep voice asked.

Jim straightened. “Then you’ll have a ship full of thralls to entertain you for the rest of our lives.”

“Is he out of his damn mind?” McCoy asked, coming to stand next to Spock.

“We accept your terms with one minor change,” the brain said. “You will be the lone fighter against three thralls, Captain Kirk.”

“Wait, what?”

And then as Spock and the others watched the screen changed and Jim was suddenly in an arena holding a two headed axe as a much larger humanoid attacked him.

The battle seemed to go on for hours and several times Spock held his breath as the attacker nearly bashed Jim’s head in. By the time that attacker left the arena defeated and was replaced by a new once, Jim was cut and bleeding across his chest and all over his arms. He was also breathing heavily.

“This is too much,” McCoy said. “Jim isn’t going to last through this.”

Jim’s next attacker was thinner than the last but taller and this time the weapons given them were spiked balls with chains.

Spock tried to ignore the dread that he felt as the attacker swung it toward Jim’s head. He clenched his fist. He should be there to protect Jim, to prevent this from happening.

Jim was knocked to his knees and the attacker came at him, swinging. Spock heard McCoy’s indrawn breath. The tension on the bridge was thick.

Jim kicked out at his attacker, bringing him down, and then he rose swinging his own spiked ball until his attacker was carried out of the arena.

A tall, statuesque, blonde woman came at him next and Spock saw the wince on Jim’s face.

“This battle will be to the death,” a voice said over the arena.

This time the weapon was a long, leather strap which could be wrapped around the legs or the throat.

He could see that Jim was barely hanging on, thoroughly exhausted and losing blood. Though the bond was still not active, Spock poured as much strength and support as he could through it.

And then Jim overpowered her, wrapping the leather strap around her neck. But as she stared up at him, Jim shook his head.

“I won’t kill her. Or anyone for your enjoyment. This battle is over. I won.” Jim looked down at her. “Do you yield?”

“Yes, yes,” she cried. “I yield.”

He dropped the strap and straightened, his chest heaving from exertion. “Now fulfill our bargain. Free the thralls."

Slave collars the girl and Jim had been wearing suddenly disappeared. She stared at Jim with something close to worship.

“We will return you and your crew to your ship now, Captain. You were most impressive.”

“And you will help the former thralls as agreed?” Jim demanded.

“We keep our bargains. We will help them. Goodbye, Captain Kirk.”

****

Spock stood a little back from the biobed as McCoy examined Jim. The alien brains had beamed them straight to medbay. Uhura and Chekov had already been released to their quarters. Only Jim remained.

Jim’s eyes blinked rapidly and he came awake with a gasp.

“Easy, easy, Jim,” Dr. McCoy said, gently pushing him back down on the biobed. “You’re all right. Back on the Enterprise.”

“Shit.”

McCoy nodded. “I’ll say. You’re the conquering hero again.”

“Huh?”

“Pretty soon your prowess is going to be legendary. If it isn’t already. Saving Uhura from rape, saving both Uhura and Chekov from the thralls and then Triskelions. Saving all the thralls down there from a life of savage slavery. Not to mention saving the Enterprise.” McCoy clucked his tongue. “Starfleet’s already talking another commendation.”

“Don’t need another one.”

“Yeah, well, I think the Federation disagrees.”

Jim snorted. “They’ll hate me again eventually. Spock?”

“Yeah, he’s here, hovering over there.” McCoy moved away from the biobed so Spock could approach.

Jim smiled and reached for his hand. “Are you okay?”

“It was you that was abducted and forced to fight and—”

“I know, Spock. Are you okay?”

Spock squeezed Jim’s hand. “I am now that you are here.”

Jim sighed and closed his eyes. “Tired. When can I get out of here, Bones?”

“Not so fast, Jim. You’ve been through a hell of an ordeal. I just stitched you up. I want you here another couple of days.”

Jim’s blue eyes flew open. “Days?”

“Days,” McCoy said, once more approaching the biobed, this time from the other side.

Spock probed the bond. Jim’s mind flared brilliant and strong.

_Jim?_

_Yes?_

_Were you shielding on Triskelion?_

_No. I don’t think so. Why?_

_I could not reach you._

_I don’ know, Spock. Maybe the energy field?_

_Perhaps. Rest, Ashayam._

“Spock, the ship?”

“It is fine, Captain. You need not worry while you rest.”

“Starfleet reports,” he said, yawning.

“I will do those, Jim. Rest.”

“’Kay. Love you.”

Spock glanced at McCoy who was busy trying not to look at the two of them. “And I you.”

 

 


	34. More Aftermath

The problem with being stuck in medbay, well one of the many Jim decided, was that it was impossible to get away from the people who insisted on visiting. So far he’d had his share of visitors coming in and out of medbay and he was pretty sure he’d get more rest in his quarters. He had suggested that to Bones and the man had growled at him. Jim had not been amused.

“Are you in need of anything else, Captain?” Maureen Miller, the nurse he’d had before in medbay, asked him with a smile. “A sponge bath?”

“Uh, no. Um. No.”

She laughed. “Okay, if you’re sure. How about a cup of coffee?”

“Am I allowed one of those?”

“Of course.” She patted his hand. “I’ll be right back.”

And as soon she moved out of eyesight he noticed Uhura standing at the foot of his biobed. He was sitting up, at least. He’d hate to be lying down in a vulnerable position because he already felt a little strange having her as a visitor. Yeah sure, he’d been there to beat the crap out of the thrall that attacked her, but really he had been avoiding her pretty much since she had talked to him about kissing Spock on Omicron Ceti III.

“Are you sure you didn’t want that sponge bath, Captain?” Uhura asked, though she was smiling.

“How long were you standing there?”

“A while. I could comm Spock and ask him if he’d like to volunteer.”

“Funny.” He shut his mouth when Maureen came back with the coffee.

“Here you go, Captain. Just the way you like it.” She set it on the table next to the bed. She barely glanced at Uhura before turning a sunny smile back to Jim. “I’ll just be over there if you need a refill or…anything else.”

Uhura watched her leave before pulling up a chair closer to Jim. “Wow, someone’s got it bad for you.”

“Nah, she’s just being nice.”

She snorted. “Trust me, Jim. She wants you.”

He felt himself blush and was surprised by it. When the hell had he got all shy and awkward about a woman’s attention anyway?

“Anyway,” he said, clearing his throat. “How are you, Lieutenant?”

“I’m good. And I wanted to thank you.”

“Thank me? That’s not necessary. It’s my job as captain to protect my crew.”

She rolled her eyes. “It’s more than that and we both know it. You’re a good guy.”

“I’m just glad I was there to help. But really, you could have handled him without me.” He smiled.

“You do that a lot, you know.”

“What?” he asked confused.

“Make light of anything you do. I used to think you were so full of yourself and arrogant but that was all part of your bullshit. Your act. You wanted people to think that’s the way you were. But in reality you don’t want to take any credit.”

Jim sighed. “Are you going into psychiatry now, Lieutenant?”

“I don’t want to argue with you. I just want to thank you for being there for me. And for Chekov. And for all those thralls they were abusing. Like what I have to say or not, Captain, if anyone else had been taken with us, I am not sure we would have made it. _You_ made sure we did.”

“Okay.” He nodded. “You’re welcome.”

Uhura smiled. “That’s a little better.”

An awkward silence fell between them and Jim picked up his coffee to have something to do.

“You’re still upset with me, aren’t you?” she finally asked.

“Upset with you?”

“You’re going to continue to be deliberately obtuse, I see.”

“Lieutenant—”

“Nyota.”

He blew out a breath. “Nyota. I know your kissing Spock was because of the plant. Okay?”

“Your words say it, Jim. Your eyes say something else. They are very expressive, you know.”

His jaw clenched. “Fine. Part of me…it still bothers. I know you still love him. I know you still want to be with him. And that if it wasn’t for the bond thing Spock did with me _accidentally_ you’d _still_ be with him. And we _both_ know it. I know you must resent me. Pretty it up all you want, but Spock chose you to be with. _Not me_. And it was never going to be me except that for some fucked up reason our minds liked each other and connected. I’m not his first choice. Hell, if I were you, I’d hate me too.”

“Oh, Jim.” Uhura shook her head. “It’s not like that at all. I do still love Spock, but as a friend only. I promise you. And I know Spock. He is with you because _you_ are the one he wants to be with.”

Jim shook his head and closed his eyes. “I’m tired.”

She sighed. “We’re not done with this.” She leaned over and dropped a kiss on his cheek. “I’ll check on you later.”

He didn’t open his eyes as he felt her move away but he did when he felt a very familiar presence standing next to him.

 _Ah, hell_.

“Hey, Spock.”

Spock’s expression was unreadable as usual. He showed no signs that he had heard Jim’s conversation with Uhura but he also showed no signs that he had not. Vulcans.

“Dr. McCoy has released you to my care,” Spock said. “I have come to escort you to your quarters.”

“Well, hot damn. I thought I’d never get out of here.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “It has not been that long.”

“Says you.” Jim swung his legs over to the edge of the bed and hopped down off the biobed. “So, just a quick stop to my quarters for a sonic shower and my uniform and I’m back on the bridge, right?”

“No, Captain. Dr. McCoy has said you must wait another twenty four hours before you are allowed back to your full duties.”

“Seriously?”

“I am always serious,” Spock said, his expression blank. “You are permitted three hours at your desk in your quarters to attend to reports and approvals needing your signature. I will be monitoring you during this time.”

“Okay, I know I have said this before to you two, but I am the captain on this ship.”

Spock stared at him.

“No, really.”

“Of course you are, Captain. Come with me.”

Jim huffed out a breath.

****

Jim sighed as he read yet another report at his terminal and reached for the cup of Vulcan tea Spock had insisted he drink. He was not _allowed_ to have any more coffee for the day. Night. Whatever the fuck. 

Spock had left him alone, at least. To go have a meal with Uhura. Jim was proud of himself for keeping his own expression carefully Vulcan blank when Spock informed him of this. He wasn’t jealous—okay maybe a tiny bit—but he was more worried about Uhura telling Spock what he’d said, that is if Spock hadn’t heard for himself. Jim still wasn’t quite sure.

He fully expected when his three hours were up, Spock would reappear to make him do his bidding. Which sounded kind of kinky now that he thought about it.

Okay, Jim, you’re getting seriously off track.

“Captain,” Lieutenant Elders came on his terminal. “Sorry to disturb you against orders, sir.”

“Whose orders?”

“Commander Spock’s.”

Jim waved that away. “What is it?”

“Your mother, sir. Wanted to speak with you. I thought it would be okay to patch her in.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant.”

His mother’s smiling face appeared. “Jimmy!”

He returned the smile with a shake of his head. “Hi, Mom.”

“I’m hearing all over the place that my son is a hero so I wanted to check in on the hero myself.”

“Don’t believe all the hype.”

“Oh, I have no doubt it’s all true,” she said. She paused, studied him for a moment. “You look worn out. Or maybe wrung out.”

“I’m fine, Mom.”

“Hmm. Well, I don’t really have time to argue with you. I have a meeting to get to. I just wanted to check in with you real quick.”

It was always real quick. That was the problem they’d had all their lives. Jim knew his mother loved him, he just really wished there’d been a time when he’d been a priority in her life.

“Thanks for checking on me,” he said with more cheer than he felt. It was what it was and he never expected it to change.

“Love you.”

“Love you too, Mom.” But she was already off the screen.

Jim sighed and sipped the Vulcan tea. He winced. He doubted he was ever going to like it. He went to the replicator and programmed it for coffee.

 _Access denied_.

Okay, seriously? When the fuck were the people on this ship going to remember he was the captain?  He was beyond frustrated and if he wasn’t afraid he’d run into Spock having his little domesticated meal with Uhura he’d go to the mess now and get his coffee there. Hell, maybe they were even dining in her quarters. And fuck, Jim didn’t want to know if they were.

He really wanted to defy both Spock and Bones and go to the bridge. What the hell could they do? Haul him physically off the bridge? Yeah, so maybe Spock would.

He didn’t want to sleep. What if he had more weird dreams? He seemed to have too many of those lately.

Whatever. He sure as hell wasn’t going to stay here and wait like a good boy.

Jim wandered the ship for a bit. First going to engineering but then when Scotty wasn’t even there to bug, he left and sought something else to occupy him.

Finally he ended up in the observation deck. Why he always came here, he’d not figured out. But he always did. Staring out at stars and planets and dreams, he supposed. How many times he had come here in that first year of their five year mission? The sight of Spock and Uhura together sometimes making it hard to breathe, to think, to do anything. It had gotten worse after Rigel V and of course now he knew why.

After a while of standing, he sat, knees bent to his chest. A ship full of people and still alone. He’d had these thoughts before, of course. Before Spock. Strange to have them again. What the hell was wrong with him anyway? Maybe he did need a psych evaluation like Bones was always pestering him about.

And speaking of Spock, he knew the Vulcan was coming to find him there even before he actually stepped up to Jim’s location. Weird bond thing.

“You know I once bragged to Pike I hadn’t lost any lives,” Jim said, softly. “I can’t say that anymore. Haven’t been able to say it for a long time, really.”

“I know.”

“I feel it each and every time one dies.”

“I know that too.”

“You know what I always think, Spock?”

“That it should have been you.”

He closed his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Will you come back to your quarters with me, Ashayam?”

Jim nodded and Spock reached down to help him stand. They didn’t say anything on the way back there, but Jim knew Spock wanted to speak to him about something. The air hummed thick with tension and their bond buzzed with so many conflicting thoughts he couldn’t discern one from the other.

But Spock stopped in front of his own quarters rather than Jim’s and he followed Spock inside without question. It felt warm and comforting and it was then Jim realized he was shivering.

“Come,” Spock said, holding out his hand.

Spock led him to the bed. He sat against the headboard and held Jim close, his arms wrapped around him and then he covered them both with a blanket. Jim welcomed the warmth.

For a long time they just stayed that way without a word, but he knew it was coming, and so he finally said, “You know what I said to Uhura, don’t you?”

“Affirmative.”

He smiled at that. He couldn’t help it. He really loved Spock. And all his Spockiness.

“Did she tell you?”

“I heard you in the medbay.”

Jim sighed. “I thought you might have.”

“She did mention it during our shared meal, but I told her I had already heard much of your conversation.”

“Are you mad?”

“No, T’hy’la. It grieves me that I must prove to you over and over that it is you I want.”

He closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry you’re stuck with me.”

Spock shook beneath him. “I am not stuck with you. Jim, I have told you that I would be with you even if the bond ended. I know that you do not believe this.”

“You didn’t love me before you knew about the bond.”

“I did. It is true that learning of the bond made me realize the depth of and the true feelings I had for you. But they were there waiting to be discovered. I have cried over you, Jim. I have not cried over any but you.”

“I want to believe. It’s just, God, I’m just so fucked up.”

Spock’s arms tightened around him. “I know what is in your mind. I know what has happened to you. I know your pain, your insecurities. If I have to reassure you every day than I will. I know that others have disappointed you. Have not loved you as you deserve. Have hurt you. Abused you. I will not. I will love you and cherish you and always be with you.”

Jim sighed and snuggled into him. “It’s cold. Is it cold?”

“A little, yes. Do you wish me to raise the temperature?”

“No. I just want you here with me, holding me.”

“That I will always do.”

“I love you, Spock. I know I’m a pain in the ass.”

“This is perhaps so.”

Jim laughed. “You love me anyway though, huh?”

“Affirmative.”

“Only you can make that sound sexy.”

“There will be no coitus tonight.”

“Really?”

“Correct. You are to rest. I promised Dr. McCoy.”

“Wait, you promised him no coit—ah, hell, I just can’t say that word. You promised him no sex?”

“Not in those words. I said you would rest.”

“Oh. Well, then who cares?”

“I care. You will rest.”

“Spoil sport.”

“To what do you refer?”

“It just means you are mean.”

“I think even you can survive a few nights without coitus.”

“Well, yeah, I can survive, but why should I have to when I have a hot Vulcan bondmate?”

Spock kissed the top of Jim’s head. “Sleep.”

“I’m the captain,” Jim mumbled.

“Of course.”

“Just wanted to make that clear.”

“It is, Captain.” Spock’s fingers kneaded his skull.

“Okay.’ Jim yawned. “Are you putting me to sleep with your mind thingy?”

“It is possible.”

“Gotta say it’s much nicer than the neck pinch.”


	35. Mudd's Women

Spock rose before Jim eighty six point four percent of the time. There were the occasional times when Jim did not sleep well and rose without disturbing Spock and then wandered the ship scaring the crew who did not expect to suddenly be confronted with their Captain when they were perhaps not paying full attention to their duties. Spock suspected that Jim enjoyed flustering the crew.

But most of the time when Jim’s sleep was disturbed so was Spock’s. Jim had a lot of nightmares, had always had them since Spock knew him. Even before they had become intimately acquainted Spock knew Jim’s sleep was disturbed.

Getting Jim to sleep the night before had essentially eliminated any disturbing dreams at least for the moment. Jim had slept the night through and Spock rose early to finish his rest with meditation.

He still finished that before Jim opened his eyes. So for a while, Spock sat near his bondmate drinking tea and watching him. He had watched Jim sleep before. Mostly because Jim was aesthetically pleasing to watch even in repose but also because Spock watched for signs of stress.

Finally just as Spock thought he might have to wake Jim up for duty, the lids began to lift, showing the stunning blue color of his bondmate’s eyes. All Vulcans had brown eyes. Spock had seen many different eye colors over the years since but none were quite as compelling as Jim’s.

“Hey.”

“Good morning. Would you care for your caffeinated beverage?”

“Yeah, like two or three of them.” Jim yawned and stretched. “I’m going back on the bridge today.”

“I know.”

“I refuse to take no for an answer and I want no arguments.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “I am not arguing.” He brought Jim the coffee.

“Oh. Well good.” Jim smiled, and then yawned.

“I will take a shower first,” Spock informed him.

“’Kay.” Jim made a kissy face in Spock’s general direction and then started slurping his coffee.

****

“Captain on the bridge,” Lieutenant Sulu announced as Spock and Jim stepped out of the turbolift.

“Status report,” Jim said moving to his chair.

“We’ve got a cargo ship behaving erratically, Captain. Headed toward an asteroid field,” Sulu said.

“On Screen.”

A small cargo ship weaved in and out of the space before them.

“Life forms, Mr. Spock?”

“Four humanoids, Captain.”

“Lieutenant Uhura, contact that ship. I want to know what the hell they think they’re doing.”

“Yes, sir.” She frowned. “No response, sir.”

“Can we beam them aboard?”

“They are out of range at the moment, Captain,” this from a crew member at a station off to the side.

“They’re going into the asteroid field, Keptin,” Chekov said.

“Pursue them,” Jim ordered.

“Captain?” Sulu asked.

“Do I really have to repeat myself, Lieutenant?”

“No, sir.”

“Raise shields. Extend them to include the cargo ship.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim hit the comm on his chair. “Transporter room. Lock on to the coordinates of four life forms on board that ship and beam them on board the enterprise,” Jim said. “Let me know when you have them.”

“Scott to the bridge.”

“Yes, Scotty?”

“The warp core is losing dilithium crystals, Captain. The shields raised up around the other ship is draining the power.”

“Got it. Kirk out.” He hit the comm again. “Transporter room?”

“Locking onto their signals now, Captain.”

Jim stood and headed for the turbolift. “Spock, you’re with me. Mr. Sulu get us out of here.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim flipped his communicator open as Spock followed him into the turbolift. “Bones meet me in the transporter room.”

“Be right there.”

They didn’t say a word as they headed to the transporter room and they didn’t need to. Jim definitely had a tendency to ramble, but usually, Spock noted, only in personal settings. He tended to be all business when it came to commanding the ship.

Just as they stepped through the doors of the transporter, four people appeared on the transporter pad. A rather large man with a moustache and three women, all dressed, at least as far as Spock was concerned, peculiarly, in long formal gowns of various jewel colors.

Dr. McCoy entered right behind Spock and Jim and he immediately smiled. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

Spock noticed all the men in the transporter room were openly staring at the women. They were of the sort Earth men found aesthetically pleasing.

“Dr. McCoy, may I remind you that you are here under your professional capacity,” Jim said, sounding bemused.

“Right, right, Jim.”

Jim stepped forward. “I’m Captain James T. Kirk. Do you mind explaining yourselves?”

The man stepped down. “I am Leo Francis Walsh, entrepreneur. And these women are Ruth Bonaventure, Magda Kovaks, and Eve McHuron. We were on our way to the planet Ophiuchus III for these ladies to meet their fiancés when you interfered with our transport.”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

“Yes, Mr. Sulu?”

“The cargo ship was destroyed by the asteroids, Captain.”

“Understood. Kirk out.”

Walsh looked visibly outraged. “And now you have cost me my ship.”

“What cost you your ship was flying very close to the neutral zone, evading a starship, and reckless flying into an asteroid field. You are lucky you didn’t get yourself killed. You put yourself, these women, and my ship and crew in danger. And now, I am going to see you in the brig.” He opened his communicator. “Security to the transporter room.”

“What about us, Captain?” the blonde, curvy woman called Eve asked as she came up to Jim. She stood very close to him. “We haven’t done anything wrong.”

Jim eyed her. “For the moment you’ll go to medbay where Dr. McCoy will examine you to make sure you’re okay.”

“I did bang my head when we almost hit an asteroid,” the brunette named Ruth said.

“Will you escort us, Captain?” Eve asked.

Jim cleared his throat. “Um, sure. Sure.”

“Engineering to Captain Kirk.”

“What is it, Scotty?”

“Just as I thought, Captain. We’re down to one dilithium crystal and even that one’s failing.”

Jim grimaced. “Great. Where can we get them?”

“Nearest planet to us that has them is Rigel XII.”

“Rigel XII? The place with all the storms? Great. All right. I guess we better head there.”

“Better make it on reserve power, Captain. Scott out”

“Mr. Sulu.”

“Captain?”

“Plot a course for Rigel XII and make it under reserve power.”

“Affirmative, sir.”

Jim glanced at Spock, shared a look of exasperation with him, and then turned to the three women. “All right, ladies, follow Dr. McCoy.”

“What about me?” Walsh demanded. Two armed security guard stepped inside and Jim directed them to Walsh.

“I’ll deal with you later. Put him in the brig.”

They walked along the corridor to the medbay, Spock on Jim’s left and the woman, Eve, on his right. She had linked her arm with his. Spock had definitely noticed.

“What about you, Captain?”

“Me?” he asked.

“Are you looking for a wife?” she asked just as they stopped outside of medbay.

Spock watched as Jim blinked. He always found Jim fascinating when someone managed to fluster him.

“Uh, actually, Miss McHuron, I’m already spoken for,” Jim said, and then he looked pointedly at Spock. “This is my first officer, Spock.”

It took a moment for her to catch on as she glanced back and forth between them.

“Oh,” she said. “Oh, I see. What a pity.”

Spock raised his eyebrow at that. He didn’t see anything piteous behind Jim being with him, but decided it didn’t warrant a comment.

Jim smiled. “Well, we will leave you in Dr. McCoy’s capable hands.”

They waited until McCoy and the ladies disappeared into the medbay and then Jim turned to Spock and rolled his eyes.

“Can you believe that shit?”

Spock inclined his head. “You do not find them attractive?”

“Oh, they’re beautiful enough,” Jim said, dismissively. “But all those men in there, including Bones, were practically drooling.”

“There was a time you would have been right there with them.”

“Would not.”

“If you say so, Captain.”

Jim started walking and so Spock walked beside him. “I do say so. What about you? Did you not find them, what is it you always say, aesthetically pleasing?”

Spock shrugged. “I find you more so.”

“No seducing me on duty, Commander,” Jim said with a grin. He headed in the direction of the brig. “And what about this guy Walsh? Something is off about this guy. I can feel it.”

“Most likely,” Spock agreed.

Jim walked up to the brig cell with Walsh behind it.

“All right, let’s have it.”

“Have what, Captain?”

“Your real story. Let’s start with your real name.” Jim crossed his arms over his chest. “I can bring in a truth verifier scanner if you won’t cooperate.”

“Very well, Captain. My name is Harcourt Fenton Mudd.”

“Harcourt?”

“You can call me Harry.”

Jim glanced at the security officer at the brig terminal “Bring up information on the criminal, Harcourt Fenton Mudd.”

“You wound me, Captain. What makes you take me for a criminal?”

“You didn’t want to be caught, that much was obvious.”

“A series of misunderstandings,” Mudd claimed. “I assure you I am a man of the highest character.”

“Not likely.” Jim turned to the security office and read over his shoulder. “I thought so. It would seem, _Harry_ , that you are wanted for piracy and petty thievery in, wait, how many star systems?”

“They must have me mixed up with someone else.”

“It says Harcourt Fenton Mudd,” Jim said with a little laugh.

“They must have given my name falsely.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Nice try. Once we get the ship back up and rolling—er flying—we’re turning you over to the authorities on the nearest Starbase.”

“Captain, I must protest—”

“Perhaps, but you will do it without me to hear it. Spock?” And Jim walked away from Mudd while he was still sputtering.

****

Spock had accompanied Jim to Engineering next to talk to Mr. Scott. It occurred to Spock that he seemed to follow Jim everywhere. But as a matter of fact it had always been that way with his captain. It was his duty as first officer to be informed of everything pertaining to the ship, its crew, and her captain.

“I wish I had better news. The last crystal has failed, Captain. If we don’t get those crystals within a few hours, the ship will fail and lose orbit.” Mr. Scott looked mournful. “I don’t have to tell you what will happen then.”

“Shit. Damn. Fuck,” Jim swore. He hit the comm on the wall. “Kirk to Uhura.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“Contact Rigel XII and tell them our situation is dire. We need those crystals.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“How long until we reach Rigel XII.”

“We’re almost there now, Captain,” Sulu’s voice.

“Okay, Kirk out.” He turned back to Mr. Scott. “Do what you can, Scotty. I’m relying on you to make sure the Enterprise makes it.”

“Aye, Captain.”

Jim shook his head and left Engineering. “Do you think it will ever just be easy, Spock?”

“I do not think it is likely.”

“Neither do I. I am getting a serious headache.”

Spock touched Jim’s forehead. “You do seem to carry your stress there.” He gently rubbed his temples.

Jim sighed. “That’s nice. And it’s helping too.”

“Uhura to Captain Kirk.

“Yes, Lieutenant?”

“Captain, I have Mr. Childress from Rigel XII. He wants to talk to you.”

“Patch him through. Childress, Captain Kirk.”

“Captain, like I told your communications officer, I’m not sure we can help you.”

“You don’t have dilithium crystals?”

Childress paused. “No, it’s not that. I’m not sure I feel like helping the Federation. They haven’t done much for us.”

“Listen, Childress, if we don’t get those crystals, the ship and all its crew will burn up in the atmosphere.”

“Seems like you do have a situation, Captain.”

Jim’s blue eyes almost sparked with fury. He mouthed _‘a situation’_ to Spock. “Childress, I’m coming down there in person, so I can express how dire our _situation_ is.”

“Very well, Captain. We’ll expect you.”

Jim turned to Spock. “You better come with me to keep me from killing that guy.”

Spock nodded. “Obviously.”

“Security to Captain Kirk.”

Jim blinked, but hit the comm. “Kirk here.”

“Captain, Mudd somehow escaped the brig and—”

“What do you mean he _somehow_ escaped?” Jim’s angry voice cut through.

“Well, sir, I-I guess he tricked the guard. A-anyway, he’s b-beamed down to Rigel XII, Captain. With the-the three women he arrived with.”

“Have a security team meet me in the transporter room. I’ll deal with the rest later.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim stood there for a second, not moving.

“Are you all right, Jim?” Spock asked.

“I’m really fucking pissed right now, Spock.”

Spock felt white hot rage coming through the bond.  “I know, Captain. With your approval, I will deal with the security breach when we return from Rigel XII.”

Jim exhaled and nodded. “Yeah, yeah, okay. Let’s go to Rigel XII.”

****

“Captain Kirk!” It was Mudd who greeted Spock and Jim and the two security officers holding phasers. Mudd stood next to three men Spock was not familiar with. Two of the women had their arms draped around two of the men. Eve stood next to the other man.

“Hello, Captain,” this man said. “I’m Childress.”

Jim nodded, his jaw clenched tight. “Arrest Mr. Mudd.”

“Now, now, wait a minute, Captain,” Mudd protested, holding up his hands. “I’ve been negotiating for you.”

“You’ve been negotiating for me?”

Spock felt Jim getting more agitated and impatient, so he sent calm thoughts through their bond. Jim visibly relaxed.

“Yes,” Mudd said proudly. “These men here are lonely and without women on Rigel XII. Working all day with only the dilithium crystals. My women want husbands. It seemed the perfect solution.”

“What solution?”

“Wives for the crystals,” Childress said.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me? You can’t sell people for crystals!”

“Oh, it’s not like that, Captain,” Mudd said. “The ladies want to stay and Childress is just feeling generous enough to give you the needed crystals. Don’t you want to stay?”

“Yes,” they all murmured.

Jim flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to McCoy.”

“Yeah, Jim?”

“You examined the women?”

“They all were perfectly healthy. Couldn’t find anything unusual.”

Mudd grinned. “There you see…nothing at all to worry about.”

“What’s in it for you?”

“Well.” Mudd shrugged. “Nothing much. Just a little profit.”

“No. No deal.”

The women and the men all started protesting at once, all shouting louder than the other until Jim threw up his hands.

“All right, all right. Do what you want.”

Childress. “We’ll send those crystals to your chief engineer, Captain.”

Jim nodded. “Thanks.” He waved his hand at Mudd. “Arrest him.”

“Arrest me? But I helped you—”

“You’re still a wanted man, Harry. And you escaped my brig. But don’t worry we’ll have you under maximum security until the next Starbase.”

“Now see hear, Kirk!” Mudd protested.

Jim turned his back on him. “You guys can follow us up. Kirk to Enterprise, two to beam up.”

****

Three hours, Spock found Jim in his quarters lying on his bed wearing only an undershirt and his briefs. He had his eyes closed but he opened them as soon as Spock approached the bed.

“Everything all sorted?”

“Affirmative.” He sat on the edge of the bed. “You are well?”

“Yeah, much better. Thanks.” Jim smiled a brilliant, beautiful smile. “I thought of something, you know.”

“What?”

“This mission was very successful.”

“How so?”

“Neither of us ended in the medbay having the other hovering over us. We didn’t get hurt at all. Hell, we weren’t even in danger.”

“The ship was in danger of burning up in the atmosphere,” Spock reminded him.

“Oh that. How many times has that happened now? That’s nothing.” Jim sat up a little. “I think Scotty exaggerates things to make it seem worse anyway.”

“I see.”

“So, you know what that means?”

“No, Jim. What?”

“We have to have celebratory sex.”

“What is the difference between ordinary copulation and celebratory copulation?”

Jim frowned. “You think what we do is ordinary?”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “The answer?”

His bondmate stared at him for silently and Spock surmised he was formulating his response. Finally Jim said, his blue eyes twinkling, “Celebratory sex is just sex you have when you are celebrating something.”

“So that is the only difference? The copulation itself doesn’t change?”

Jim licked his lips. “You’re really hot.”

“Jim, I would like you to concentrate.”

“Really? You want me to concentrate when you do your sexy talk? Cause really it’s not fair to expect that.”

“Jim.”

“Spock, just…kiss me already.”

Spock leaned down to kiss him and Jim pulled him down onto the bed.


	36. A Little Craziness

_The Vulcan wrapped his arms around Jim from behind, nuzzling his neck, his mouth nipping at the pulse point of his throat. He closed his eyes and sank back against him. Then he felt the Vulcan’s beard._

_His eyes widened and he tried to push away but the arms held him tight._

_“No!”_

“Jim, wake up. Jim!”

He gasped, shooting up to a sitting position, his breath freezing in his lungs.

“Breathe, Jim. You must breathe.”

He closed his eyes and tried to calm down. Spock’s fingers touched his face and Jim gasped again as a mind meld started.

_I will help you to breathe._

_Spock._

_Inhale. Exhale._

Jim blinked and grabbed Spock. The pain in his lungs eased and air finally seemed to reach his airwaves. Calm and peace pushed through his mind, the bond. Safety and love.

“Jim?”

He nodded. “Better.” He leaned against Spock who still had his hand to Jim’s face. “What the hell was that?”

“A panic attack brought on by a nightmare.”

“Okay.” Jim nodded against him. “I didn’t like it.”

“Nor did I.” Spock’s arms tightened around him. “What was the dream?”

Jim realized it had mostly faded from his memory. Perhaps a good thing. “I don’t really remember it now.”

There was just a hint of disbelief coming from the bond but Jim ignored it. He didn’t want to remember the damn nightmare anyway.

“Are you going to take a shower first or should I?” he asked, deciding a change of subject was in order.

“I think I should summon Dr. McCoy.”

“And I think I am the captain and I say no. I’m fine, Spock. There’s no need to involve Bones and his hyposprays. Now go get your shower. I need coffee before I can function even that much.”

Spock pulled away and his eyes narrowed but he nodded. “Very well.”

Jim went to the replicator and got his coffee and was about to return to his bed to sit and drink it when the comm beeped.

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.” Uhura’s voice.

“Yes, Lieutenant?”

“Admiral Stiles for you, sir.”

“Patch him through.” Jim pulled on a black undershirt and gold tunic to look somewhat presentable and then went around the other side of his desk and sat before it. “Admiral,” he greeted when the old man’s face appeared.

“Kirk, I’ll get straight to the point. What’s this about you and your first officer being involved?”

“In what, sir?”

“Don’t play coy with me, Kirk. You know what I am asking.”

Jim barely suppressed his sigh. “Very well, sir. Yes, Commander Spock and I are involved in a relationship.”

“How long has this been going on?”

“Almost a year, Admiral.”

“And I’m just hearing about it now?”

“We chose to practice discretion for the time being.”

“I see.” The admiral’s expression was hard and cold.

“Now that you know, sir, I should advise you that Commander Spock and I share a Vulcan mind link. It’s considered a very serious bond by Vulcan standards, sir. It is no casual relationship.”

“Very well. I will have to take this under advisement. I won’t lie, Kirk, normally Starfleet wouldn’t be very happy to know the two commanding officers of a ship as important as the Enterprise are involved in a relationship. We might even separate the two of you. Probably transfer your first officer off the Enterprise. I’ll be discussing this situation at our next meeting.”

Jim nodded. “All right, Admiral. But there is something you might want to know for your meeting.”

“Oh?”

“Try to separate me from Spock and I’ll resign my commission.”

“Is that a threat, Kirk?”

“No, sir.”

“Stiles out.”

Jim blew out a breath and then ran his fingers through his hair. When he turned around he saw Spock standing in the doorway leading from the bathroom.

“You hear any of that?”

“Most of it, I believe.”

He stood and went to Spock to wrap his arms around Spock’s middle. “Well, now they know.”

“Jim, I would not want you to resign your commission.”

“I don’t care, I would anyway. Spock, I won’t let them do this to us. If they don’t want us here both together, well, then I’m out.”

Spock nodded and held him tight. “I would also resign mine.”

Jim smiled. “We’ll go live on New Vulcan or something. It will be okay either way, Spock. The only way it won’t be okay is if I’m here and you’re somewhere like the US Bradbury.”

“I agree.”

“Good. Now, I better get a shower and get up to the bridge. See you there, Commander.”

“Yes, Captain.”

****

Jim admitted these were some of his favorite times. Just sitting in the mess with Spock, Bones, and some of the others. At the moment it was Uhura and Sulu, but it didn’t matter what the mix was as long as they were there together. In the just over two years they’d had on their official mission they’d become closer. He liked to think they were building all that before Khan had stepped in to change all their lives, but now, he felt their relationship was even better.

Maybe it was because of what he and Spock had together. It was easy to form other friendships when he had the best thing that ever happened to him by his side.

He thought it was kind of strange these down times could be something he so looked forward to, because just a few years ago he would never have believed him the adrenaline junkie could ever crave peace and quiet.

He popped a bit of his chicken into his mouth when he became aware of both Spock and Bones watching him. The two of them were going to drive him crazy with that, but he knew it came out of love.

Jim moved his hand to cover Spock’s hand which earned him a raised eyebrow, but he noted, Spock did not move his hand.

Bones sat across from him and Sulu next to Bones. Naturally Spock was beside him and also naturally Uhura was beside Spock.

“Did we get a new mission, Captain?” Sulu asked.

“Geez, can’t we have a decent meal without talking shop?” Bones grumbled.

“A decent meal? From these replicators,” Jim scoffed. “But yeah, we did. Supply mission to Colony Beta VI.I am, of course, hoping for it going off without a hitch.”

Bones scowled. “Fat chance.”

“Think positive, Bones.”

“Okay, I am positive it won’t go off without a hitch.”

Jim chuckled. “Behave yourself, Bones, or I’ll have you on the next five away missions.”

“How long is this supply mission supposed to take?” Uhura asked, fortunately interrupting further rants out of Bones.

“About eight days.”

“Eight days?” she exclaimed. “Lord, we’ll die of boredom.

“I just hope it _is_ boring,” Bones said. “You aren’t the one who has to patch up Captain Courageous and his sidekick here.”

Jim’s mind shut them off, though he could still sort of hear them all talking and bickering in the background. He concentrated on his shields, building them, practicing keeping them in place. It wasn’t that he wanted to shut Spock out entirely, but he had some pretty whacked thoughts, especially lately, and Spock didn’t need to know _everything_ all the time.

He wasn’t even sure he was doing it right. He’d done some research and when he got a chance to he intended to ask old Spock. It might be a little bit strange asking old Spock to help him shield from _his_ Spock, but he had a feeling if anyone would understand it would be the elder Spock. His…not so much.

And then there were the dark thoughts. Troubling. Were they his? Did they come from something he had experienced? The blood that had been pumped into him? Was the bearded Spock really gone? Those dreams—

“Jim?”

Jim blinked and turned to Spock who stared at him intently. “Yeah?”

“I spoke your name four times.”

“Oh.” He smiled sheepishly and noticed the others at the table were also looking at him. “Sorry. Kind of zoned. Pretty tired.”

Spock shot them all a glance and before Jim knew it they were all excusing themselves, even Bones. He wondered when they all so easily took orders from his first officer. His bondmate. His everything. Probably always had and he just now started noticing it.

“You do look tired, T’hy’la,” Spock said, stroking his thumb across Jim’s cheek. ”Are you still distressed from your talk with the admiral?”

“Not really. I don’t worry about it, Spock, because all my outcomes lead to you.”

Spock nodded. “Come with me to your quarters then.”

“What am I an old man going to sleep so soon after dinner?” Jim joked.

Spock glanced down at Jim’s plate. “What little of your dinner you ate. But no, Jim, I did not say I was bringing you to your quarters for sleep.”

“Oh.” Jim stood and licked his lips. “Oh. But, um, can we go to yours instead?”

“Affirmative.”

“Too bad we can’t just make it one big room, you know? It’s not as though either of us sleeps without the other anymore.”

“Perhaps if they allow us to remain in command of the Enterprise we can have them modify our quarters.”

“Now you’re talking.” They stopped in front of Spock’s quarters and he entered the code.

Spock started kissing him as soon as the doors whooshed shut.

 _Hell yeah_.

He kissed Spock back, fiercely, thoroughly. He pushed Spock toward the bed and his Vulcan let him. And that’s when he knew what he wanted. What he had to have now. Tonight.

“Mine,” Jim whispered as he covered Spock on the bed. Spock shook a little underneath him and he knew then Spock had guessed exactly what Jim wanted.

“Yours,” Spock agreed. He lifted his arms above his head and Jim stripped him of his blue uniform shirt together with the black undershirt. Then he knelt back to get rid of his own shirts and he tossed both sets in a combined pile. He liked that idea.

He was used to Spock taking charge and getting rid of all their clothes so it was a big turn on when Spock just lay there, staring at him with dark pools of intensity, and let Jim strip him.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Jim said reverently as he knelt on the bed staring at his completely naked lover.

Spock shook his head. “You are the beautiful one.”

“Don’t argue with your captain.”

Jim got rid of the rest of their pile of clothes and boots and reached for the lube.

“Spock?”

“Yes.”

Jim smiled and knelt between Spock’s legs. He lifted them slightly and squirted out a large amount of lube. Maybe too much, but he knew this was Spock’s first time. He was a little surprised to find himself nervous. Him? He never would have thought it. But this was Spock. His everything.

He slipped the first finger in and hesitated just a bit when Spock stiffened. Then when Spock made no further protest, he pushed his finger in deeper, moving it around. Jim added a second finger and then finally a third, loosening Spock up.

Then his gaze locked with Spock’s, Jim replaced his fingers with the head of his cock, pushing in Spock slowly.

“Okay?”

Spock nodded, never taking his eyes off Jim’s.

He slid in all the way, until he was balls deep. It felt incredible. Jim smiled. “Wow, you feel great.”

“You may move now.”

Jim chuckled. “Good to know.”

He linked his hands with Spock’s and held them over Spock’s head as he drove into him over and over. Spock’s hand twitched in his grasp and Jim knew he wanted to do a mind meld with Jim. He didn’t want to deny Spock something that was so important to him, so he released Spock’s right hand.

Almost immediately, Spock’s fingers formed over his psi-points and their thoughts and sensations collided. It was like he could feel what Spock felt as Jim thrust into him, but he also felt what he was doing. It was confusing and incredible all at the same time.

“Spock,” Jim gasped, burying himself deep inside the Vulcan. He tried to push his impending orgasm away but Spock was so tight, and their minds so mingled, everything so intense between them, he could not.

“Jim,” Spock groaned and Jim grasped Spock’s erection, stroking it fast, globs of white oozing over his fingers, as his own release overcame him.

He didn’t know how long he dozed, but he came awake with a start. Spock lay asleep next to him. Jim rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and got out of bed, being careful not to wake Spock. He grabbed his discarded clothes and boots and went into the bathroom to dress.

He was restless…so restless. He needed to walk. To go somewhere. He did not know where. Even as he left Spock’s quarters he did not know where he would go.

As he walked along the corridor to the nearest turbolift he realized he was clenching his fists. His mind swirled with strange, dark thoughts. He wanted to punch something, someone. Wanted to make someone hurt. Pay for something. Jim did not know what.

God, he wanted a drink. Wanted to kill. Wanted to hurt. Wanted. _Wanted_. 

He ended up in engineering. Jim ignored the startled looks of the crew there as he walked past them. Ignored their attempts to speak to him. He stopped before the chamber where he had once breathed his last breath. The Enterprise had been fixed long ago but this chamber looked pretty much as it had when he died.

Jim dropped to his knees and set his fingers on the glass in much the same way Spock had done from this side of the door. Not for the first time he wondered if he should have been brought back to life at all. Sometimes, okay a lot, he wondered if Pike had been right and he wasn’t ready to be captain. Mostly in moments like this when he woke in the middle of the night filled with doubts, strange thoughts, weird dreams. He still couldn’t shake the feeling the universe liked to fuck with him. Couldn’t stop thinking that someday all of this would be taken from him. He’d wake up and find out he was really in a prison cell in Iowa and none of it—none of this—had ever really happened.

“Captain?”

He looked up to see Mr. Scott standing next to him. “Hi, Scotty.”

“Are you all right?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. Just couldn’t sleep.”

Scotty reached a hand down to Jim and Jim grasped it and Scotty pulled him to his feet. “I know what you need.”

“What?” He smiled a little.

“A nice bit of Scotch.”

He laughed then. “Yeah, okay. That doesn’t sound so bad.”

Scotty grinned. “This way, Captain.”

He followed Scotty into a mostly isolated part of engineering and watched as Scotty removed a bottle from a hiding place.

“Son of a bitch.”

“Don’t tell the captain,” Scotty joked.

“More like the first officer.”

“Speaking of—”, Scotty took a drink from the bottle and then handed it to Jim, “does the commander know you’re down here?”

“Maybe not yet, but I’m sure he will.” Jim shrugged. “He doesn’t generally waste much time searching for me when he can just have the computer locate me.” He took a swallow of the scotch and handed it back to his chief engineer.

“You have a lot of trouble sleeping?”

“Yeah.” Jim sighed. “I have for years. All the shit that happened here didn’t help, though.”

“I know it’s hard, Jim, but you have to let it go. You’re letting things eat at you.”

Jim took another swallow of the scotch. “I bury it, you know. In here.” He tapped his head. “But times like this…it comes back.”

“If you hadn’t done what you did, none of us would be here, Jim. I didn’t want you to sacrifice yourself, but I can’t tell you how much I respect you for the fact you did.”

“Are you getting all mushy on me, Scotty?”

“Perhaps a wee bit.”

Jim laughed. “Well, thanks. Sometimes I guess my insecurities get the best of me.”

“Happens to us all, Jimbo.” Scotty grabbed the bottle and drank from it.

They lapsed into companionable silence and finished off the bottle.

Jim stood and swayed a bit. “Well, time to get back to the old ball and chain, I guess.”

Mr. Scott straightened and then glanced down at the empty bottle and then at Jim.

“Ah, he’s right behind me, isn’t he, Scotty?”

“Aye, Captain.” Scotty grinned sheepishly. “If you will excuse me, I think I’ll be getting out of here.”

Jim snorted. “Chicken shit!” Inhaling deeply, he turned around.

Sure enough, Spock stood there staring at him, his dark eyes unreadable.

“Um, hi, sweetie,” Jim said, smiling.

“You are intoxicated.”

“Just a wee bit.” And then Jim giggled. For which he was immediately mortified and he covered his mouth. He put on a serious expression. “Sorry.”

“I think it is time we returned to your quarters, Captain,” Spock said coolly.

He nodded, licked his lips. “Okay.” He took a step closer to Spock and then swayed a bit more. Spock sighed. He _actually_ sighed. “Are you mad?”

“I do find you tedious when you are like this,” Spock admitted. He took hold of Jim’s arm.

“I’m sorry.”

“I know you are, Jim.”

Jim allowed Spock to steer him toward the turbolift. “I could have gotten in worse mischief.”

“I am aware of that also. So I am grateful to Mr. Scott for his watching over you.”

“I’m still the captain,” he mumbled.

“An intoxicated captain.”

The turbolift doors opened and they got out on the floor where their quarters were.

“Love you,” Jim said, as soon as the doors to his quarters closed behind them.

“In bed, where you will sleep it off.” Spock gently pushed him toward it. “I will wake you later for bridge duty.”

Jim collapsed on the bed. “Don’t want to sleep. Might dream.”

Spock shook his head and put his hand to Jim’s head. “Sleep.”

His eyelids were too heavy to keep open any longer.


	37. Trelane

 

“Captain, I’m getting a strange reading,” Lieutenant Sulu announced as they made their way toward Colony Beta VI.

Spock turned in his chair just as Jim looked up from the report he was reading. “What sort of reading, Mr. Sulu?” Jim asked.

”I’m detecting a planet, sir, but none of our charts seem to know of its existence.”

“A planet?” Jim turned to Spock. “Spock?”

Spock scanned the area. “It seems to be a rogue planet, Captain, in light warp. It could account for why our sensors didn’t pick it up earlier.”

Jim nodded. “Well, we don’t have time to look into it now. Uhura, let Starfleet know what we found and advise we’re continuing on to Colony Beta VI.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“Mr. Chekov, enter a course around the planet and continue on our way.”

“Yes, Keptin.”

A few minutes passed and then Sulu said, “Captain, the planet—”

Spock turned just in time to see Lieutenant Sulu disappear.

Jim stood. “What the fuck?”

And even as he took a step toward Sulu, Ensign Chekov disappeared.

Jim froze. “Spock?”

“I would hypothesize that they have appeared on the unknown planet’s surface, Captain.”

“They they’d be dead,” Lieutenant Jager spoke from his station a few spots down from Spock’s. He was a geophysicist. “The atmosphere is poisonous and wouldn’t be able to sustain life forms.”

“Captain,” Uhura said. “We’re being hailed.”

“On screen.”

_Tallyho! Hip hip Hoorah! Greetings and Felicitations!_

“What in the fuck?” Jim asked watching only the words appear on the view screen. He looked to Spock who shrugged. Jim hit his comm. “Dr. McCoy, meet me in the transporter room. Jager, you’re with me. Let’s see how breathable this atmosphere is.”

Jim walked over to Spock’s station. “You have the conn. I don’t know what’s going on, but the minute you’re able to detect Sulu and Chekov, I want you to beam all of us back aboard the Enterprise.”

“Yes, Captain.” He touched Jim’s arm. “Be careful.”

Jim nodded, smiling slightly and then he headed into the turbolift with Jager.

Spock, naturally, was not particularly worried. Yes, it was certainly true that his bondmate could not be trusted to take his own safety seriously but he knew Jim would not risk Dr. McCoy and Jager if he thought he was really going down to a poisonous atmosphere.   

Still Spock would admit he was just a slight bit anxious until Jim contacted him.

“Kirk to Enterprise.”

“Spock here.”

“This is pretty strange. As you can tell, I’m breathing just fine.”

“I am gratified.”

Jim chuckled softly. “Me, too. Where we beamed down it’s all grassy and actually pretty and there’s a castle in the distance.”

“A castle?”

“Yeah like one of those medieval things from Earth’s history. We’re going to head for it. Again, the minute you detect Sulu and Chekov, beam us all up.”

“Aye, Captain. Spock out.”

It was another twenty eight minutes before their sensors picked out five life forms. He had the transporter chief lock into their coordinates and then made his way to the transporter room.

“Energize,” Spock ordered.

Jim, McCoy, Jager, Chekov, and Sulu all appeared on the transporter pads. Without missing a beat, Jim hopped off.

“That was weird,” he said, grabbing Spock’s arm and leading him from the room. “It was this guy, Bones said he couldn’t get any life readings from him, dressed all in these old fashioned clothes from I don’t know England in the 1800s. And he wanted to be called General Trelane.”

“Captain?”

“And not only that,” McCoy said trailing behind them as they all entered the turbolift, Chekov, Sulu, and Jager as well, “he wanted to discuss Earth’s military history and insisted we all had to stay to entertain him for the rest of our lives.”

“Crackpot,” Jim said, as they stepped onto the bridge. “Mr. Sulu, get us out of here.”

“Right away, sir,” he said, hurrying to his station.

And then as Jim made his way to the captain’s chair, Spock watched as a strange man dressed in blue silk brocade suddenly appeared on the bridge. Spock stepped forward when he noticed how close the being was to Jim’s position.

“What the hell?” Jim exclaimed. “Are you serious?”

“I didn’t say you could leave, Captain Kirk.” He looked around. “Oh, more to play with.” He looked at Spock. “ _Who_ are you?”

Spock straightened. “I am with the captain.”

“You will all come down with me and be my playmates,” the man announced.

Jim shook his head. “Trelane—”

But they suddenly appeared with Trelane in a large Great Hall. Nyota had been changed from her usual uniform dress to a bright red ball gown and before she could protest, Trelane had pulled her into his arms and was dancing with her.

“You must all stay forever,” he announced. “I will never let you leave.”

“Now, just a damn minute!” Jim moved toward him, but Trelane held up a hand and Jim was knocked to the floor.

Spock went to his side and helped him to stand. “Captain, direct confrontation may not be wise.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “You think? Check out that mirror. I noticed this before when I was down here. He doesn’t seem to stray very far away from that mirror. Even when he was on the bridge that seemed like some sort of projection.”

“You believe that mirror is the source of Trelane’s power?”

“There’s one way to test it,” Jim said.

“How?”

“This guy goes by some weird 19th Century Earth fascination. I’m gonna challenge him to a duel.”

Spock shook his head, shook it again and grabbed Jim’s arm as he started to move away. “Captain, I believe I misheard you.”

“No, you didn’t. Look, Spock, I’m going to challenge him to a duel with pistols. You see he has some on the wall over there and then I’m going to shoot out the mirror.”

“Captain, there is every chance he will shoot you before you get the chance.” Spock tugged down his uniform shirt. “If you insist on this, I will communicate the challenge and act in your place.”

“Nope. Not gonna argue either.” Jim patted Spock’s arm. “Trelane.”

“ _General_ Trelane,” the man said. “You will address me by my proper title.” He released Nyota and came to where they were standing. “I do not like you,” he said to Spock. “You remind me of someone else who once came through here.”

“Normally I would say fascinating but in this instance I think interesting will suffice,” Spock said.

“Trelane,” Jim said. “I’ve had enough of this. Release all of us and let us return to our ship.”

“No,” he said petulantly. “Although I would not care if _that_ one left.” He pointed to Spock.

“Then I challenge you to a duel with pistols,” Jim said. “If I win, we go free. If you win, they all stay.”

“A duel?”

“Yes.”

“Oh,” Trelane said eagerly. “Yes. Very well.” He hurried to the wall and took down the pistols. He handed one to Jim.

“Jim, I strongly protest this tactic,” Spock said in a low voice.

“I know.” Jim raised the pistol and pointed it at the mirror.

Trelane gasped. “Wait, what are you—”

Jim shot the mirror and instantly much of their surrounding disappeared leaving them standing in a very plain room. Trelane shrieked in outrage.

“Kirk to Enterprise. Get us out of here.”

The entire group reappeared on the bridge and Mr. Scott stood there grinning.

“I can’t believe I could do that. That was great.”

Jim laughed and clapped him on the arm. “Yeah, it was. Mr. Sulu?”

“Getting us out of here, sir.” Sulu frowned. “The planet keeps getting in the way, Captain. No matter which direction I go.”

“Fuck,” Jim swore. “That’s it. I’m going down there.”

“Captain, I will go with you,” Spock said, grabbing his arm. It reminded Spock of another time and a similar conversation.

“No you won’t. if this doesn’t go well, Spock, I want you to get the ship and its crew out of here. Understood?”

“Jim—”

Jim’s cool captain’s mask was firmly on. “That’s a direct order, Commander.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Jim disappeared into the turbolift and only ten point three seconds later Jim appeared on the view screen with Trelane. Jim stood in the middle of an open floor by himself and Trelane was behind a podium wearing long black robes and a white powdered wig.

“Captain Kirk, you are charged with cheating, treason, conspiracy, and inciting insurrection. You have been found guilty.”

Spock turned to Mr. Scott. “Can you beam the captain up?”

“No, Mr. Spock. I can’t get his signal,” Mr. Scott said unhappily.

“Now, wait, just a minute—” Jim protested.

“Silence!” Trelane yelled. “You have been sentenced to hang.”

A hangman’s noose dropped from the ceiling in front of Jim and Jim was shoved forward by some unseen force into the loop of the noose.

Nyota gasped behind Spock and stood to stand beside Spock. Her hands clutched at Spock’s arm. His heart hammered in his side.

“Spock,” McCoy said from next to the captain’s chair. “Do something.”

“Mr. Scott?” Spock said with a calmness he did not feel.

“I-I’m working on it, sir,” the engineer stammered.

Spock clenched his fist as the noose tightened around Jim’s throat.

“”Spock,” Nyota said, her voice thick with tears.

This could not be happening. He was not forced to watch Jim die in front of him again without the ability to do anything.

“Got him,” Mr. Scott yelled and then flipped a switch.

Jim suddenly appeared on his knees on the bridge gasping. It was Nyota who knelt next to him and pulled the noose from around his neck. She embraced him even as Spock kept his gaze on the crazed Trelane.

He would not let Trelane get near Jim again. It would be over Spock’s dead body.

And then Trelane disappeared and their view screen went back to the view of space.

“We are sorry for the disruption of our son,” a woman’s ethereal voice spoke. “We did not realize until just now he was toying with inferior beings. We have removed him from your presence and assure you that he will not attempt to provoke you further.”

Spock went to help Jim to his feet. McCoy was examining him and Nyota still knelt by his side. He smiled at all of them.

“Thanks,” he said, his voice a little hoarse.

“Doctor?”

“He should be fine,” McCoy said. “Just a little throat strain. I’d like him to rest for the rest of his shift though.”

“He took me from the turbolift,” Jim said, then winced.

“There is no need to speak, Jim,” Spock assured. “Mr. Scott, you have the conn.”

Spock escorted Jim into the turbolift.

_Spock, I’m fine. I don’t need an escort._

_I would see you to your quarters._

_I can walk. It was my throat he hurt._

_I know._

_I love you._

_And I you, T’hy’la._

When they got to Jim’s quarters, Spock got him tea and made him drink it.

“I’m not a baby,” Jim rasped.

“No talking.”

_Okay, I’m still not a baby. There’s nothing wrong with me. Just a sore throat._

_You can work at your terminal if you wish, but no verbal communication._

_I’m the—_

_Captain. Yes, I know._

Spock knelt in front of Jim were he sat on the bed and took Jim’s hand.

_I feared I would lose you again today._

_I know. I’m sorry._

_This time, there would be no bringing you back._

_Spock, you’re the one telling me we all know the risks of being in Starfleet._

_I do not want to watch you die. Not again._

_You may have to someday._

_It is too soon._

_I know. I love you, Spock. So much._

Spock closed his eyes and then kissed the palm of Jim’s hand. He opened his eyes and stood.

“Remember no verbal communication.”

Jim waved his hand in exasperation and Spock returned to the bridge.

 

 


	38. Looking in the Mirror

 Jim woke up with the oddest feeling of being watched. He knew sometimes Spock watched him sleep. Ordinarily he would find the idea of someone watching him sleep creepy, but he was aware it comforted Spock. This was different and definitely back in the creepy category.

Spock was not there in his quarters and he had known he wasn’t as his bondmate had informed Jim he wanted to do some work in the ship’s lab. And yet…Jim shivered. He glanced around the room, but it was definitely unoccupied save for him.

He got out of bed. There was no way he could go back to sleep now. The feeling of being watched would not fade and he seriously wondered if he was losing his mind.

Jim went to his desk and sat before the terminal. “Computer locate Commander Spock.”

“Spock, Commander is in Lab 3, Deck four.”

Spock was busy and Jim really didn’t want to bother him. But maybe there was a way of talking to Spock. Or a Spock, anyway.

About five minutes later the ambassador appeared on his screen looking haggard and tired. Jim winced.

“I woke you, didn’t I?”

“It is nothing. I do not require much rest.”

Jim sighed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think, as usual.”

“Jim, do cease.” The ambassador folded his hands in front of him. “What is it? You are very troubled.”

“I think I’m losing my mind.”

“Clarify.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “I don’t know. I’ve been having these dreams.”

“What sort of dreams?”

“With-with Spock from the other universe.”

“The mirror universe?” the elder Spock asked sharply.

“Yeah.”

“Spock was able to assist you in removing him from your mind, yes?”

“He said so, yeah. But I don’t know.” Jim couldn’t look the old Spock in the eyes when he said, “They’re sexual.”

The ambassador raised his eyebrow. “You engage in coitus?”

“No!” He buried his face in his hands. God, old Spock saying that was just too much. “Nothing that-that graphic. But kissing and touching.”

“Have you told Spock of these dreams?”

“No. He has so many things he already has to deal with involving me, I didn’t want to burden him.”

The old Vulcan tilted his head to the side in much the way his own Spock would. “You are not a burden to him, Jim.”

“How do you know?” Jim asked. “Me and my endless insecurities. If he finds out I’m crazy as well, what if he doesn’t want to deal with that?”

“You are not crazy, whatever that means,” the ambassador said softly.

“I also have these weird thoughts,” Jim told him. “I get angry for no reason and I just-just want to lash out.”

“You are shielding from Spock.” He said it as a fact not a question.

“Some, yeah.”

“May I ask why?”

“Part of it is because I don’t want him to know how fucked up I really am.”

He shook his head. “Jim, Spock’s affections will not change.”

“But what if—”

“I know this, because I am he. He will always love you.”

Jim bit his lip. “I also kinda hate someone knowing my every thought. It’s weird.”

“The bond is not really like that, Jim. Both of your minds must be open to sharing at that moment. If your every thought were in Spock’s head he would never be able to function. Have you had all of Spock’s thoughts in yours?”

“Well, no, I haven’t.”

“You are worrying about something that is not a factor. Ordinarily the bond exists in the back of your minds and offers comfort. It only comes forth when you desire it to.” The ambassador leaned forward. “I urge you to speak to Spock about your concerns. He would want to know.”

“You really don’t think I am crazy?”

“No, I do not. But if the mirror Spock is not actually gone from your mind he may be manipulating your dreams and perhaps even your thoughts.”

Jim swallowed. He definitely did not like the sound of that. No, not at all. Would he ever be rid of that bearded bastard?

“All right, I’ll talk to Spock.”

The ambassador nodded. “As soon as possible, Jim.”

Jim smiled. “Okay. Thanks.”

“Live long and prosper.” And then the ambassador vanished from his screen.

Jim was about to rise from his chair when fingers skated across the back of his neck. He jumped and turned around to find himself staring at Spock with a beard.

“Fuck, how the hell did you get here?” Jim demanded, scrambling from his chair to put distance between him and the wrong Spock.

He was dressed as he had been when Jim had been in his universe and he looked just as dangerous.

“I came for you, James Kirk.”

“Well, go the fuck away. Go back to where you came from. How did you even get here?”

“I found a way to come to this universe so that I could take you back to mine.”

Jim backed up more. “I told you before I’m not interested.”

“You are my T’hy’la.”

“No, I’m _my_ Spock’s T’hy’la. I am not bonded to you. You need to-to get with your own James Kirk.”

Bearded Spock stepped forward. “He is not cooperative.”

“I don’t care,” Jim shouted. He went to hit the comm on his wall but like a flash, Bearded Spock crossed the room and grabbed Jim’s wrist painfully.

“You will not alert security to my presence, James Kirk.” The fingers of his other hand grasped Jim’s jaw in a tight grip. “You are too compelling for me to give up so easily. I have touched your mind, I desire it. I desire you.”

“You usually just take what you want, don’t you?”

“Yes, it is our way.”

“Well, it’s not my way. I don’t belong in your universe and you don’t belong in mine. And stay the fuck out of my head, you fucking bastard.” Jim lifted his leg and kneed the bearded Vulcan in the groin. He released Jim at once. Jim hit the comm, “Security, intruder alert. Captain’s quar—”

He woke up aware that he was being carried over Spock’s shoulder. Bearded Spock’s shoulder judging by the uniform.

“You neck pinched me?”

“Affirmative. I am now taking you to the transporter room where we will return to my universe.”

“I don’t think so you traitorous bastard.”

Jim blinked as Spock froze in his tracks. That sounded like his own voice, but he certainly knew he had not spoken the words.

“Captain, how did you find me?” Bearded Spock asked.

“It wasn’t that hard. I just followed you. And you are so fucking dead.”

Jim felt himself being slowly lowered to the floor. When his feet hit the ground, he turned to see himself…only not…standing a few feet away holding a very wicked looking phaser. He recognized the crisscross sleeveless uniform shirt he’d worn in the other universe.

The other Kirk spared him a glance. “Captain Kirk.”

“Uh, Captain,” Jim returned. “What are you doing here?”

“I followed a traitor here. You have no need to worry, I’ll take care of Spock.” He waved the wicked looking phaser.

“Yeah, I can see how you intend to take care of him.”

Mirror Kirk shrugged. “He intended to abduct you. I would think you’d want me to end his life. Vulcan scum.”

“Look, I don’t want to see anyone killed,” Jim said. “Even him. But I do want the two of you off my ship and out of my universe. For good.”

“Come here, Spock,” Mirror Kirk said.

He hesitated.

“Have you tried melding with him?” Jim asked, stepping away from the bearded Spock.

“I have been unable to.”

Just then appearing behind Mirror Kirk was his Spock and four security guards. Mirror Kirk turned to look at them. “You again. You are so weird looking without your beard.”

His Spock looked to Jim. “Captain?”

“I’m okay, Spock.”

“Captain Kirk, drop your phaser,” his Spock said calmly.

Mirror Kirk shrugged and dropped it.

“I am sending you both back to your own universe,” Spock announced. He looked coolly at mirror Spock. “You will not return.”

Jim went to stand with his own Spock. “Thanks.”

Spock nodded. “Into the transporter room. Both of you.”

The mirror Spock and Kirk stepped into the transporter room followed by Jim and Spock and the security guards.

“Wait,” Jim said. “Before you go.” He turned to Kirk. It was still so weird to be looking at himself. “Let him meld with you.”

“What? Why should I?” Kirk demanded.

“Just trust me. I think you will find the result more appealing than you think.”

Kirk looked at the bearded Spock who stood aloof and unmoving. “He’s not going to do some sort of mind control to take my ship away, is he? It’s bad enough I had to get it back after you fucked up in my universe.”

“I will not,” Bearded Spock said.

“How do I know you are not lying?”

“Vulcans do not lie.”

Jim said, “There you see. Spock, meld with him.”

“Captain, are you sure this is wise?” His Spock asked.

Jim nodded. “Yeah.”

Bearded Spock stepped up to Kirk, who still glared at him, but he did not stop the Vulcan from putting his hand on his face. After a moment, they both gasped.

Kirk broke away first, looking dazed. “What was that?”

“It is our bond,” Spock said simply.

“Bond? You and I?” Kirk still looked dazed but he was no longer staring at the Vulcan with open hostility. More like wonder.

“Yes. I will explain when we are home.” Bearded Spock turned to Jim and Spock. “James Kirk, thank you.”

“If you attempt to interfere with my bondmate again,” Spock spoke up, putting himself in front of Jim, “I will kill you.” Jim knew he meant it, too.

“There is no need now that I have my own James Kirk.”

“See that it stays that way,” Jim said. He turned to Spock. “Can you get them off my ship?”

“It would be my pleasure, Captain.”

The mirror Spock and Kirk stepped onto the transporter.

“You know how to do it?”

Spock nodded. “I believe so.”

“And if you’re wrong?”

His bondmate shrugged. “Then they will beam into the middle of space.”

“Spock!”

“Energizing,” Spock said and the two copies of them disappeared.

The security guards left the transporter room and it was just him and Spock.

“Do you think they made it?”

“Does it matter? He has harmed you, I find it hard to care about his fate.”

Jim sighed. “Yeah. I kind of like the idea of all the Spocks and all the Kirks together across universe after universe. Always finding each other and realizing they are T’hy’la.”

Spock raised an eyebrow. “You are hopelessly romantic.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah, I never used to be. Until I found you.”

“We need to talk. You have been hiding things from me,” Spock said. “Have you not?”

“Not intentionally.” At Spock’s look, he said, “Okay, intentionally. But it’s not as bad as it sounds.”

Jim exited the transporter room with Spock on his heels. They did not speak again until they reached Spock’s quarters.

“Jim, you are always my priority.”

“I know.”

“But I fear I am not always yours.”

“What?” Jim’s chest tightened. “Spock, no. I swear that isn’t true.”

“You share things with others you will not share with me. You do not tell me when you are distressed or troubled.”

“I’m trying to spare you.”

“I do not wish to be spared. I cannot make myself any clearer, Jim. I do not want to hear from my counterpart again that you are telling him what you should be telling me.”

Jim swallowed, trying to push aside the painful feeling of being betrayed. “He told you?”

“He is concerned for you. As am I.” Spock closed his eyes for a moment, and then opened them, his dark eyes unreadable. “I will not leave you. No matter what is in your thoughts. I will be by your side always. But you must meet me, Jim. It is time for you to trust me.”

Jim turned away, his eyes filling with tears. “I do.”

“T’hy’la.” Spock turned him to face him and then put his fingers to Jim’s face.

_You told me he was gone, Spock. He was still there._

_I am sorry. It distresses me that he was still there harming you. It is my fault._

_No, no. Spock. I know it wasn’t. It’s…I felt like I was going crazy._

_If you told me about the dreams, I could have helped you._

_I was ashamed._

_There is no need to feel shame with me. You can tell me anything. I am so sorry he was still in your mind. And I am sorry he came here to abduct you._

_Spock, it was not your fault. You’re right I should have told you._

_I would do anything for you, Ashayam._

_Just love me._

_Endlessly._

Jim sagged against Spock as he removed his hand from Jim’s psi-points. “Bridge?”

“You do not need rest?”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t think I could sleep. I’m wired.”

“There are other ways to occupy ourselves without sleep.”

Jim laughed. “I’m so rubbing off on you.”

“It would appear so.” Spock lowered his lips to Jim’s. 


	39. Telling the Crew

“Are you certain you wish to do this?” Spock asked his bondmate as they made their way to the conference room closest to the bridge.

Jim nodded. “I think we should, don’t you? I mean they need to know what might happen. They deserve to know, Spock. They’re as close as we have to a family.”

They entered the conference room. Already seated at the table were Nyota, Chekov, and Sulu as well as several other bridge crew members. Coming in behind them were Mr. Scott and Dr. McCoy. Jim took a seat at the head of the table and Spock sat to his right.

“Okay, thanks everyone for coming. I called this meeting for the senior officers and the bridge crew because there’s something that may happen I want you to all be aware of,” Jim said. “I don’t really think it’s a secret to the crew of the Enterprise at this point that Commander Spock and I are bonded in the ways of Vulcan. At some point, when we are able, we intend to formalize the bond on New Vulcan. Recently, Starfleet contacted me to inform me they had become aware of our relationship.”

“How the hell did they find out?” Dr. McCoy asked.

“Hell if I know.” Jim shrugged.

“With as many crew members as there are on this ship, doctor, any one of them could have filed a report with Starfleet. This is the most likely scenario,” Spock spoke up.

“Meddling fucks,” McCoy mumbled.

Jim nodded. “And Bones has been notified as CMO, too. He’s had to file reports since they contacted him. Right, Bones?”

“Yeah, and I’m pissed as hell.”

Jim smiled. “Okay, so anyway, Admiral Stiles contacted me about us being in a relationship, and basically, there is every possibility that Starfleet will separate us.”

“What?” Nyota exclaimed.

“Seriously?” Sulu looked shocked.

“Keptin, they’d break up the greatest command team?”

“Stiles told me that is normal protocol. Or implied it anyway.” Jim reached over and very briefly patted Spock’s hand. “Most likely they’d transfer Spock to another ship other than the Enterprise, but it’s not outside the realm of possibility they’d remove me as captain.”

Everyone was talking at once, arguing and protesting.

Spock and Jim exchanged looks and then Jim nodded at Spock.

“The captain and I do not intend to allow them to separate us.”

Everyone stopped talking and turned their stunned gazes to Spock.

“Vhat does that mean, Mr. Spock?”

“It means, Ensign, that we would resign our commissions and leave Starfleet,” Spock said.

“Both of you?” Nyota whispered. “Leave Starfleet?”

“If it comes to that,” Jim said. “We wanted you to know that we have a hearing in a month on Starbase 5. We’ll hopefully know then what their intentions are. We wanted you to know our intentions now.”

“I don’t vant to serve under any other keptin,” Chekov insisted.

Jim shook his head. “Neither of us wants any of you to allow this to influence your choices in Starfleet. This is our battle not yours. We didn’t tell you so that you would plan any sort of rebellion of your own. Your individual career must come before anything else. We both believe that.”

“Do you really think they’ll separate you?” Mr. Scott asked.

“I wish I knew, Scotty. Spock thinks they’ll keep us together, but I don’t trust any bureaucrats. And it’s been my experience that if this universe can fuck me, it will.” Jim smiled crookedly. “Okay that’s pretty much it. We’ve got another mission to get ready for, so everyone is dismissed.”

Jim stood and everyone started leaving the table.

“Jim, can I see you a minute?” McCoy asked, clapping his hand on Jim’s back as they left the room.

Spock lingered at the table when he noticed that Nyota had not left. In fact, she had moved closer to his position. When everyone had left, he turned to her. “Nyota?”

“So, just like that, you’re going to give up your Starfleet career?”

“It is not just like that. I will not be separated from my bondmate, Nyota. I cannot.”

She sighed. “Is this Jim’s idea?”

“It was a mutually agreed upon decision. You studied Vulcan bonding. You know how difficult it would be for me to be away from him for long periods of time.”

“Yes, but perhaps a couple of years only. You’d want to give up everything you fought so hard for because you two can’t be apart for a couple of years? And what about him? He’s just going to resign like that? He died for his ship, Spock. That’s how much it meant to him.”

“I expected you, of all people, to understand, Nyota.”

“I don’t want to lose you, okay?”

Spock reached over and gently ran his fingers over her cheek. “You will not. Whatever our fate, you are my closest friend. The sister I did not have. That will never change.”

Her eyes filled with tears. “I hate those bastards right now.”

“I honestly do not think it will come to that. I believe they are attempting to mess with us.”

She smiled through her tears. “Jim is really influencing you. You’re even starting to sound like him. I’m sorry, Spock. I didn’t mean to be a bitch.”

“You are not,” he assured her. “Will you be all right?”

“Of course.” She stood and gave him a quick hug before hurrying from the room.

Spock felt Jim approach even before he came back into the conference room. He leaned against the table directly in front of Spock’s chair.

He smiled softly. “Everything okay?”

Spock nodded. “And with you?”

“Yeah.” He linked his fingers with Spock’s. “I saw Uhura leave. She was upset?”

“She fears if we leave Starfleet we will lose touch with each other.”

“Ah.” Jim nodded. “I’m guessing you corrected her.”

“I did. And Dr. McCoy?”

Jim shrugged. “He’s gotta do some psych shit before the hearing next month. For both of us.”

“I would have expected as much.”

“This is bullshit, you know. We’ve been functioning as a team for almost a year, even longer before we became lovers. Rigel V was well over a year ago so we were bonded even before we realized and everything still worked between us, on this ship.”

“I know. Jim, they will ask us difficult questions.”

“Such as?”

“If I am injured and you have to leave me behind on a planet to save the crew of the Enterprise, would you do it?” Spock asked.

“The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few.”

“Or the one.” Spock nodded.

“I think you know the answer to that, Spock.”

Spock inclined his head. “I know you would put yourself in danger ahead of the crew. And of me.”

“That’s right. So the answer is, I’d send you up to save the crew and distract whoever injured you until you were safely away. Or better yet, I would have left you on the Enterprise in the first place to get my ship out of there.”

Spock barely held back a sigh. Sighs were, of course, illogical. “You are not expendable.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah, I am. It’s my duty as captain to protect and save my crew. At all costs.”

“Those costs are too great to me.”

“Okay, then, Commander. Starfleet asks you that question. Captain Kirk has been injured on the planet, Warthog.”

“Warthog?” Spock raised an eyebrow.

“Hush.” Jim smirked. “To stay and try to rescue him could put the crew of the Enterprise in imminent danger. Do you take that chance or do you get the ship out of there and leave your captain behind?”

“I would stay and rescue him because I would know that the Enterprise and crew would stand a better chance of survival with their brilliant captain at the helm.”

“Hmm. You might want to lie and say you’d leave him behind.”

“Vulcans do not lie. And I am perfectly serious. It would be the logical thing to do.”

“I love you.” Jim sighed.

“This still troubles you a great deal.”

“Yeah. I just wish they’d decide, you know, get it over with. I hate having this hanging over our heads. And now we have another damn mission.”

“You have sent the mission details to my PADD?”

“Of course. Planet Minara II is in danger of being destroyed because of a star going supernova soon. We’re to pick up the research team there and bring them to Starbase 5 when we go for the hearing.”

“Another routine mission, Captain?”

Jim smiled and shook his head. “Nope. Nothing is ever routine for us, Mr. Spock.” He pulled Spock to his feet and put his arms around his neck. Since they were alone, Spock allowed such a public display. Jim’s lips skated across his. “And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”  
 


	40. Minara II

Spock knew, logically, bad feelings were myths and nonsense. No one could foretell future events. Yet there were two previous times when he’d been unable to shake the sense of dark foreboding that descended over him.

The first had been when Vulcan had been destroyed and his mother murdered. He would not have predicted the destruction of Vulcan and the death of most of its citizens, but he had felt an odd sense of doom prior to the events.

The second had been when Jim had gone to Admiral Marcus’s ship with Khan. Likewise, he would not have predicted watching Jim die behind glass unable to save him, but the sense of doom had been there.

Now as he beamed down with Jim and Dr. McCoy to Minara II that same sense of foreboding prevailed. Spock stepped closer to Jim, ready to do battle with any that would harm him.

Jim glanced at him sharply. “What is it?”

“I am not sure,” Spock admitted.

_Take care, T’hy’la._

_Spock?_

_There is something. I do not know._

_Okay._

Jim touched the doctor’s shoulder. “Be extra careful, Bones. Let’s find the research party and get them off of here as soon as possible.”

Spock looked at his tricorder. “Captain, the research camp is that way.” He gestured to the right.

They reached the camp in just a few minutes but there were no scientists in sight and it appeared it had been abandoned for a while.

Jim frowned. “Okay, so where the hell are they?” His communicator beeped. “Kirk here.”

“Scott here, Captain. There’s too much solar radiation around the planet, sir. I’ve got to break orbit and get the ship away from it.”

“Do what you gotta do, Scotty. We’re still searching for the scientific team down here. We’ll be in touch.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“Well, that’s just great,” Dr. McCoy grumbled. “If the ship’s experiencing solar radiation chances are we’re being fried down here too, Jim.”

“I know. We better find these guys fast. Normally I’d say let’s split up, but,” and Jim paused and looked at Spock, “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”

Spock nodded. “Agreed, Captain.”

“Let’s continue in this direction,” Jim said and they’d only gone a few feet when they heard a buzzing noise and then suddenly found themselves in a strange chamber.

“What the fuck?” Jim asked.

Spock looked around, running his tricorder, and then pointed to a raised platform wherein lay a young brunette woman dressed in blue and green robes.

“Who are you?” Jim asked, moving toward the woman.

She blinked up at him and then sat up, but she said nothing. She tilted her head, looking perplexed. McCoy came to her and ran his tricorder over her.

“Jim, this woman is mute.”

“Is she one of the scientists?”

“Doubtful.”

Spock grabbed Jim’s arm as two tall men wearing silver robes suddenly appeared in the chamber.

“Who the hell are you?” Jim demanded. “And why are we here?”

“We are Vians, Captain. As to why you are here, we need you and your officers to experiment on.”

“Experiment? You gotta be kidding me.” Jim moved toward them but was instantly repelled by an invisible force field knocking him to the floor. He tried to sit up but groaned and collapsed.

“We will not permit you to harm us, Captain.”

Spock hurried to Jim, cradling him in his arms. Jim’s skin was bright angry red and his eyes were hazed with pain. “Doctor?”

McCoy knelt beside Jim. “That was a powerful electric shock. He’s got 3rd degree burns. I need to get him back to the ship.”

The woman suddenly pushed McCoy out of the way. She looked at Spock, her eyes sad, and then reached for Jim.

“Do not,” Spock said sharply.

“Wait, Spock,” McCoy said. “I think she wants to help.”

Spock reluctantly let her touch his bondmate, but he continued to hold Jim even as she put her hands on Jim’s face.

The woman shuddered and closed her eyes and then she began to shake. The redness of Jim’s skin began to fade and Spock felt through the bond his pain begin to recede. The woman’s skin took on the ugly red look that had been on Jim. And then Jim’s eyes blinked open, clear and free of pain.

“Spock?” he whispered.

“It is all right, Ashayam.” Spock grasped his hand and stroked his fingers over Jim’s in a kiss, sending love and comfort through the bond.

The woman staggered away with McCoy following her, but even as he did, her skin began to return to normal.

Jim sat up. “What the hell happened?”

“You were injured by the Vians force field,” Spock explained. He stood and reached for Jim to also stand. “The woman healed you.”

“Healed me?”

Spock turned to her. “You are an empath?”

She nodded and smiled.

“A very powerful one, I would say,” Spock said.

The Vians had been quietly watching. Now one of them spoke. “We will now leave you to prepare the experiments.”

“Listen you mother fuckers,” Jim began moving forward again but this time Spock held him back and the Vians disappeared.

McCoy was smiling at the woman. “Well, we need to call you something, don’t we? How about Gem? You seem like a beautiful gem to me.”

“Bones, aren’t you still technically married to Natira?”

“A man can still look. Are you telling me you don’t still look even now being married to Spock?”

Spock stopped listening to them and began to examine the chamber for a way to escape. As he approached one wall, he found what appeared to be a door. He pried it open.

“Spock, did you find something?” Jim came up behind him.

“Yes, Captain.” They entered a side room.

The room was filled with machines and computers and five glass cylinders large enough to hold humanoids. Two of them were occupied.

Jim went to them. “Linke and Ozaba,” he read the names on the cylinders.

“The missing research scientists,” Spock said.

“Dead.” Jim looked grim. “What the fuck did these bastards do to them?”

“Jim,” McCoy said, standing next to the other three cylinders. “Take a look.”

Spock read the labels, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy.

“Fuck,” Jim swore softly.

A Vian appeared behind them. “Excellent. I see you found our previous experiments. Those men were too weak to survive them. Such a pity. I am hoping you will last longer.”

Spock approached the Vian and neck pinched him. He fell to the floor.

“Great,” Jim said. “Now we just need to get out of here.”

McCoy pointed at the wall of the little room. “Another door.”

They went to it and pushed it open and found that it led outside. Jim flipped his communicator open as they hurried away from the rock formation they’d just come from.

“Kirk to Enterprise. Scotty, we need you to beam us up. Fast.”

But as they rounded a corner, Mr. Scott and three security guards appeared to be coming their way.

“Stop!” A Vian shouted from behind, running after them.

“Go meet up with Scotty,” Jim ordered. “I’ll take care of the Vian.”

“Jim—”

“Commander, that’s an order. Go. I’ll be right behind.”

Spock led McCoy and the woman, Gem, forward toward Mr. Scott and the security guards but as they were almost upon them, they disappeared.

“What the hell?” the doctor exclaimed.

Spock shook his head. “A Vian trick. Quickly, we must return to the captain.”

They arrived back at the rock formation just in time to see three Vians pulling Jim inside. Spock’s sense of doom increased but he pushed aside the illogical feeling. Panicking would not help his bondmate.

Spock with McCoy’s help managed to pry the door open and get back into the room with the glass cylinders but there was no sign of Jim or the Vians so they continued into the main chamber where they’d originally appeared.

Still no sign of Jim and Spock stood in the middle fighting for control. He never should have left him.

“Spock,” Dr. McCoy said softly. “We’ll find him.”

Spock made himself nod, as he clenched his hands into fists. He tried reaching out to the bond but it was silent which only threatened his control more. If Jim—

A blink and Jim was there, lying on the raised platform. His shirts were gone and there were bleeding lashes all over his chest and back as though he’d been repeatedly whipped. His face was battered, swollen and bruised.

Spock was unable to stop a distressed moan from falling from his own lips as he rushed to Jim. McCoy was already there, scanning him.

“Damn it,” Dr. McCoy exclaimed. “They really fucked him up.”

Rage filled Spock, more rage than he could ever remember feeling. He wanted to kill the Vians with his bare hands for doing this to Jim.

Gem pushed forward between Spock and McCoy. She gazed at Spock sorrowfully as before and then gently touched his cheek before turning to reach out for Jim.

Spock knew he should not want her to hurt herself helping Jim, but he could not help but be hopeful she would save him. They were far from the Enterprise and Spock knew if Jim did not get medical attention he would possibly die.

She began to shake and cry out as her hands rested on Jim’s face. Injuries disappeared from Jim and reappeared on her. Gem gasped, tears streaming down her face as she violently trembled.

“Jesus,” McCoy whispered.

For several more minutes, Gem continued to absorb Jim’s injuries until she collapsed on the floor, passed out from the effort. McCoy went to her as Spock pulled Jim into his arms.

He closed his eyes and buried his face in Jim’s neck even as his bondmate stirred in his arms.

“Sp-Spock?”

“I am here, T’hy’la.” He held him tight.

“They-they tortured me.”

His throat clogged, Spock nodded. “I know.”

“I don’t even know why.”

Spock pulled away just far enough to look at Jim’s face, now clear of injuries. He stroked his cheek. “Gem healed you.”

Jim nodded and broke out of Spock’s arms to go to where McCoy knelt with Gem. “Will she be all right?”

“She almost died this time,” McCoy said. “Your injuries were severe, Jim, and she absorbed them all.”

Her eyes flickered open and she stared at them.

“Thank you,” Jim said softly. “Thank you for saving my life.”

The original two Vians appeared before them again. “Captain, though you did provide some interesting aspects to our experimentation, we are not yet satisfied. We propose a new experiment.”

Jim rose from the floor, blue eyes blazing. “What now?”

“You have five minutes to decide which of these two men with you we will take next.”

“What?” Jim exclaimed. “No fucking way. You want another specimen you take me again and leave them the fuck alone.”

They shook their heads. “No, Captain. Five minutes. Spock or McCoy. There is an 87% chance that Dr. McCoy will die in the experiment.”

“You son of a bitch.”

“And 93% chance Mr. Spock will suffer extensive brain damage. Five minutes, Captain.” They disappeared again.

Spock watched Jim’s face go very white. He blinked rapidly and turned away from them all.

Dr. McCoy stood up. “Jim, I’ll go with them. I can’t make you send Spock.”

Spock straightened. “No, doctor. I will go.”

“Bones—“Jim started to say but Spock watched as Dr. McCoy hyposprayed Jim in the neck and the captain collapsed to the ground.

Spock stared for a moment at what McCoy had just done then shook his head. “Doctor, all you have done is made me acting captain. And as captain, I will be the one to go with the Vians.” He pulled down his uniform shirts. “All that I ask is that if I am damaged you must take care of Jim.”

“Spock,” McCoy said sadly. He came over to Spock. “I can’t let you do this. It would destroy Jim. We both know that.”

“Doctor—”

“Spock, if you were brain damaged, what would that do to the bond? What would it do to Jim’s mind?”

Spock hesitated. “I do not know.”

The doctor smiled just a little and clapped Spock on the arm. “There you see.”

Too late Spock saw the hypospray in the doctor’s hand just as he lost consciousness.

****

He woke to Jim cradling him in his lap, his blue eyes fixed on him.

“Jim?”

“Hey.” He smiled but it was strained.

Spock sat up. “The doctor?”

“Gone. He hyposprayed us both and went with the Vians, I’m guessing.”

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

“Spock, we have to find a way out of here. We can’t keep letting them do this.”

“Agreed, Captain. We must formulate a plan.”

Jim had opened his mouth to speak when both McCoy and the Vians returned. McCoy lay in a crumbled heap on the ground at their feet. He was barely recognizable his face had been so badly beaten and his limbs were twisted in an unnatural way.

Jim made a choked sound that sounded to Spock like a sob. “Bones.” He dropped to his knees. He looked at Gem. “Please? Can you help him?”

But she was staring at Dr. McCoy fearfully. She was biting her lip and shaking. Her eyes filled with tears and she shook her head.

Jim stood up. “Why are you doing this to us?”

“It is not you we are testing, Captain Kirk. It is the woman you call Gem.”

“Why?” When they did not immediately reply, Jim turned back to Gem. “Please? Can’t you-stabilize him or something?”

“You will not interfere, Captain. She must help him on her own.”

Suddenly Spock and Jim were enclosed in force fields preventing them from getting to either McCoy or Gem.

Gem went to McCoy but it was clearly scaring her as she reached for him. Her touch was hesitant.

“Why the fuck are you doing this to us? To her?”

“Because, Captain, we are able to save only one species from the supernova in the sector. We wish to choose the species that shows the greater regard for life and compassion. Selflessness. If the woman is able to value the life of others over her own, then we will deem her species worthy of saving.”

“What? Seriously? Hasn’t she already proved that?”

“Silence, Captain. You have interfered enough.”

Spock and Jim watched as Gem pulled away from McCoy, staring fearfully at him. Then after a few minutes she resumed attending to him.

“You could save him yourselves. It doesn’t have to cost her life,” Jim protested.

Spock had begun to observe the strength of the force field while Jim kept the aliens distracted. He was able to detect a weakness in his force field. He pushed through it and with the Vians distracted by Gem and McCoy, be broke through and neck pinched both aliens to the ground. Behind them were the controls for the force field. He disabled those and freed Jim.

McCoy was coming around  but he was still severely injured. “Jim,” he croaked. “Don’t let her die for me.”

Spock turned just as the Vians were getting up. He put himself between Jim and them. They would not get his bondmate again if Spock had anything to say about it.

But the Vians had backed up against the wall, looking uncertain as Spock held the devices they had been using for their force fields.

Jim turned away from Gem and McCoy. “Gem has proven her species worthy of saving. She would end her life to save his. Isn’t that what you wanted her to do? You talk about compassion. Selflessness. Where is yours? You let men die to experiment on them? You use an innocent young woman and make her prove over and over that she is willing to help others with her very life force.” Jim stepped forward. “Is all you know death and torture and pain?”

They remained silent for a moment then one of them nodded. “Captain Kirk, you are a most unusual being.”

Jim shook his head. “Forget about that. You can heal them. Both of them. And if you can save her species do it. Show your compassion. The very thing you are demanding of Gem.”

“Very well, Captain.” One of them waved a hand and McCoy’s injuries disappeared.

“And hers too,” Jim said.

“We shall. And we will save her people from destruction.” They nodded at each other. “Now Captain we will return you to your ship.”

****

Spock sat on the edge of his bed watching Jim waking up. As usual it took a moment before Jim’s blue eyes focused, but then he smiled at Spock.

“Good morning.”

“Good morning, Ashayam. You slept well?”

“You know I did as you helped me to sleep well.”

Spock acknowledged that with a nod.

Jim sighed, his eyes clouding over. “I don’t know if I can survive too many more of that kind of planet.”

“Agreed. I hope we do not have to experience that again.”

“Yeah, God. They were fucked. Their torture methods.” He shuddered.

Spock laid a hand on Jim’s forehead. “You are safe now.”

“I know. But God the universe likes to fuck with me.” Jim closed his eyes. Then he opened them. “Maybe I really should resign my Starfleet commission.”

“You do not mean that.”

His bondmate smiled. “No, I don’t. But it’s tempting sometimes.”

“Jim, you saved us. You saved Gem and her people. It was you who convinced the Vians.”

“You make me sound better than I am.”

“You are better because of who you are.”

“Okay, okay. I’m too worn out to argue with you.”

“Arguing is illogical,” Spock pointed out. “When Vulcans are always right.”

Jim laughed. “Of course they are. Remind me to give Bones a great big hug when I see him again.”

“Very well.”

Jim stared at him intently. “Two men still died.”

“They were dead before we ever landed on Minara II. You could not have saved them.” Spock leaned down and kissed him. “You cannot save everyone, Jim. But you are the strongest, bravest man I know. I am in awe of you.”

“Spock,” Jim said, his voice shaky. “I need you. Inside me. Everywhere.”

“Anything, Ashayam.”

It did not take long to rid Jim of his boxer shorts and T-shirt nor to remove his own uniform. Spock reached for the lube even as he fused his lips to Jim’s.

He slicked his fingers and inserted them inside Jim, spreading and preparing his bondmate. Jim kissed him frantically, clinging to Spock as though he would die if he let go.

As Spock pushed his cock inside Jim, he rested his fingers at Jim’s psi-points, entering his mind and body at once. Joining them as one.

“Spock, Spock, please, oh God, Oh God,” Jim gasped, pushing up to meet Spock’s thrusts.

Spock touched Jim’s pleasure points in his mind and they both shattered through their orgasms.


	41. Starbase 5

“You look gorgeous,” Uhura assured Jim as she straightened his commendations on his dress uniform.

“Are you sure? Because I really hate this thing. Green isn’t really my color.” Jim batted her hands away and went to look in the mirror of his quarters again. Long sleeves, high uncomfortable collar, gold braids. Hell what was to like anyway? “Maybe I can switch with Spock. The blue goes better with my eyes.”

Uhura rolled her eyes. “Isn’t gonna happen, Captain. You really look good. I’m serious.”

He attempted a smile but even he knew it faltered.

“Jim,” she said softly, putting her hands on either side of his arms. “It’s going to be all right. There is no way the admiralty will break you two up.”

“Regular people, yeah. But this is me. I’ve got a big fuck me sticker on my forehead.”

She laughed. “You are so dramatic. You look great and Spock won’t be able to keep his eyes off you.”

He snorted. “I’m not promoting you just so you know.”

Spock walked in from the bathroom dressed in his blue dress shirt. Jim grimaced. “Jim?”

“You just look so much better than I do,” he grumbled. “How come my shirt’s not gold anyway? Stupid Starfleet.”

“He’s been bitching since I got here,” Uhura told Spock. “I think he’s nervous.”

“Am not.”

She leaned up and kissed his cheek. “Are too. I’ll leave you two and see you down at the hearing.” She went to Spock and gave him an identical kiss on his cheek.

“T’hy’la?” Spock went to him and offered his fingers in the Vulcan kiss. Jim gave him his. “You are nervous?”

“I don’t know if I can do this, Spock. Face all these assholes. I hate feeling like I’m some stupid cadet being brought to heel.”

“Jim, whatever the outcome, we will be together. We have decided this as one.”

“I know. It’s just…it shouldn’t have to come to this. A fucking hearing? We’ve proven ourselves, Spock.”

“Agreed. But it has come to this and we must deal with it.”

Jim exhaled. “All right, I am ready.”

He wasn’t but he made himself walk side by side with Spock out of his quarters, to the turbolift and then to the transporter to beam down to the base where the hearing was to be held. Jim forced his arms to stay straight down his sides because what he really wanted to do was hold onto Spock. But he knew his Vulcan bondmate wouldn’t go for such undignified behavior.

Jim had barely stepped off the pad on the Starbase 5 when he saw the elderly Vulcan waiting to the side of the room dressed in black. His breath caught in his throat and he couldn’t stop himself, he hurried to him.

“Spock!” Before he could think better of it, he was hugging the stuffing out of the Vulcan, wrapping his arms tight around his frail frame.

But not only did Old Spock let Jim hug him, his arms came up around Jim. “It is also good to see you, Jim.”

Jim pulled back a little but not entirely out of the Vulcan’s arms. “I’m pissed at you, but we’ll talk about that later. What are you doing here?”

“I heard about the hearing you must face, Jim, and wanted to offer my support.”

He grinned. “You’re amazing.”

A throat cleared very delicately behind him. Jim disentangled himself from his bondmate’s counterpart. He turned to _his_ Spock. “Look who’s here.”

“Yes, I see,” Spock said, his face Vulcan blank. “Spock.”

The elder Spock nodded. “It is also good to see you.” He put his hands behind his back in much the way Jim’s Spock did. “Our father is also here.”

“Your-your what?” Jim exclaimed. “Oh, my God. Sarek is here? Spock, why didn’t you tell me? And I-I’ve just been hugging a Vulcan. He’s gonna—”

“Jim, calm yourself,” Spock said. “I did not know my father would be here.”

“When he heard I was coming to the Starbase he expressed a desire to accompany me,” the ambassador said.

Jim felt a little lightheaded. He shook his head and backed away.

Spock grabbed his arms, rubbing up and down them. “Jim, calm down. There is no reason for you to fear my father. He will not harm you.”

Strength and calm flowed through the bond and Jim let out a breath. He was being stupid. He could do this. He was the damn Captain of the Enterprise and he would get through this.

“All right. I’m fine, Spock.” He nodded.

“Are you certain?”

“Spock.”

Jim stiffened at the sound of his…father-in-law’s voice. Damn, it sounded a lot like when he’d said Spock’s name as he was strangling Jim. He blinked and Spock gave his hand one last squeeze as they both turned to greet Sarek.

Sarek could out-Vulcan anyone, Jim figured. His face was devoid of expression but at the same time managed to convey disapproval. Of what? Jim didn’t know. Him? Spock? Him and Spock? The situation they found themselves in? Only Sarek knew and he, of course, wasn’t talking.

“How are you, sir?” Jim asked, trying to keep from outwardly flinching.

“James,” Sarek said with a nod, but no answer to Jim’s question.

“Father, I was not aware you would be attending the hearing,” Spock said, but there was no censure in his voice. There was no inflection whatsoever. Jim thought Spock became Spockier when faced with his father.

“The ambassador wished to make it a surprise,” Sarek replied, his dark eyes flashing briefly to the elder Spock. “I trust it is not unwelcome.”

“It is not. Shall we find the hearing room?”

“Jim?”

He stood frozen in place, his feet feeling as though they’d been glued to the floor. The voice sounded like his mom’s, but he knew it couldn’t come from her. She wouldn’t be there. Not for him.

Then suddenly she was in front of him, dressed in her own dress uniform, and throwing her arms around him. The lump in his throat grew so large he thought it might block his airwaves and still he just stood there stiffly while she squeezed him so tight he wondered if she would break his ribs.

Jim swallowed and managed to choke out, “Mom?”

“Hi baby,” she said against his hair.

He blinked feeling the burn of tears and finally his arms came around her. She felt tiny and soft and he realized she was shaking or maybe he was. Maybe both of them were.

“What-what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be on the Constellation?”

“No, I should be here where my son is when he needs me,” she said softly.

He had a moment where he thought if only she’d felt that way dozens of times before, but this was not the time for those thoughts. Instead he hugged her tighter.

“Captain Kirk?”

He pulled away from her to see a commander he didn’t know standing near them.

“They’re ready for you, Captain. This way, please.”

His mom smiled and wiped a tear off his cheek. “It’ll be all right, Jimmy.”

“Yeah. Yeah it will be.” He released her and turned to Spock. “Shall we, Commander?”

“Yes, Captain.”

They walked side by side down the corridor. Jim felt Spock’s concern across their bond.

_Spock, don’t worry, I’m fine._

_You are certain?_

_Yes, T’hy’la. I love you._

_And I you, Jim._

They entered the hearing room which was more like a chamber or maybe a large arena. Several admirals sat in a row, at a curved table. There were a lot of people sitting in the room, most of whom he didn’t even know, and he watched as older Spock, Sarek, and his mom took their seats. He noticed Uhura, Bones, Scotty, Sulu and Chekov too.

“Captain Kirk, Commander Spock,” Admiral Stiles said. “Please take your seat.”

They moved to the two empty seats situated across from the admirals and Spock took his seat immediately, but Jim did not sit down.

“I think I can end this hearing pretty quickly,” Jim said. “I resign my commission.”

“Jim,” Spock said in a hushed voice.

“It’s okay, Spock. I know what I’m doing,” he assured his bondmate in an equally low voice.

“Admirals, while I appreciate you have your duties and regulations, Commander Spock and I have shown ourselves to be a good command team, I daresay the best command team, and that is not in spite of our bond, but because of our bond. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to sit here and be judged on the bond I have with Commander Spock.”

“Captain Kirk,” Admiral Stiles said coolly. “If you’re done grandstanding, sit down.”

Jim pursed his lips and then opened his mouth to say more but Spock tugged him down to his seat. He shot a quick glance at Spock but his Vulcan was looking straight ahead at the admirals.

“Now, if I may continue,” Stiles said. “After our review of the matter, we have concluded that Captain Kirk and Commander Spock are to remain in command of the Enterprise. We can find no evidence that their command is compromised because of their bond. It has been exemplary.”

Jim blinked and cleared his throat, aware they were now waiting for a response from him. “Thank you, Admiral.”

“Hard to believe I made you almost speechless, Kirk,” Stiles said with a small smile. “Hearing adjourned.”

Jim turned to Spock as everyone around them seemed to be talking at once. “That was it?”

“You are complaining?” Spock’s eyebrow rose.

“No. Yeah. I mean. Wow. Everyone came all this way and it’s okay you two can stay together in one little speech.”

Spock shook his head. “This is good news, Jim.”

“Yeah. Okay. I get that but—” And then he stopped. Smiled. What the hell? “You’re right. It is excellent news.”

“Kirk, can I see you a moment?” Admiral Stiles stepped up to them.

Jim stood. “Of course, sir.”

He followed Admiral Stiles to the side of the room.

“Kirk, I just wanted to also tell you that when you and Commander Spock are ready to formalize your bond on New Vulcan, Starfleet will allow you the time for that.”

“Thank you, Sir. That’s very kind of you.”

Stiles waved his hand as though it was nothing. “Kirk, I won’t beat around the bush. You’re on track for the admiralty and—”

“Sir?”

“You heard me. I’m not saying it’s going to happen soon, but it will happen. Grandstanding like you did today is not a good idea.”

Jim exhaled slowly. “Understood.”

“Good. You have a lot of allies in Starfleet right now, Kirk. And in the Federation. You would be wise to see that it stays that way.” He clapped Jim on the arm. “Now, you have two days on the Starbase before your next mission. I’ll expect you to meet with us at 0900 hours tomorrow.”

Jim nodded. “Dress uniforms, sir?”

“Not necessary. Good day, Kirk.”

“Sir.”

When he turned away from Stiles he saw his mom waiting for him, smiling. He went to her.

“Everything all right, Jimmy?”

“Yeah, Mom. I was just getting the ‘if you want to be an admiral someday you’ll behave yourself’ speech.”

Her eyes widened. “An admiral?”

He shrugged. “Guess so. I figure they’ll be pissed at me again next week.” He hugged her quick. “Thanks for coming. It means a lot to both of us.”

“I couldn’t let you face those scary men alone.”

“Can you stay and have lunch or dinner or something?”

She frowned. “I wish I could. I’m taking a shuttle back to the Constellation. I was lucky to get this time.”

Jim nodded, forced his understanding smile to appear. “Okay, next time then.”

“Yeah next time.” She threw her arms around him again and hugged him tight. When she pulled away, Spock had come to stand with him.

“Commander Kirk,” Spock said with a short bow.

“It’s Winona,” she said, smiling at Spock. “You take good care of my son, Spock.”

He inclined his head in acknowledgement.

“See you,” she said to Jim and then she hurried away. He was left staring after her.

Spock stroked two fingers over Jim’s. “Ashayam?”

“I’m fine.” He smiled at Spock. A genuine smile.

“The ambassador and my father would like to dine with us. Are you amenable?”

“I am very amenable.”

And they walked in perfect sync to each other to find the two other Vulcans. 


	42. Three Vulcans and a Human

“What did Admiral Stiles wish?” Spock as they walked together.

“A couple of things,” Jim said. “First he wanted to tell me I was on track to be admiral someday.”

Spock nodded. “I suspected as much.”

That surprised Jim. “You did?”

“Jim, you have done very well since we began this five year mission. Plus you saved the Earth twice before that. Though your methods may not always be within regulations, they are highly effective.”

“Still? An admiral? Maybe when I am old.”

“What was the other item Admiral Stiles spoke to you about?”

“Oh.” Jim grinned. “He wanted to tell me that when we are ready to formally bond on New Vulcan they will approve the time for us.”

Spock glanced briefly at him. “That is good to know.”

“Yes. And I know just when I want our bonding to take place.”

“Indeed?”

“For our third year completed of the mission. It’s always something to celebrate and this time it will be even better.” Jim frowned. “You don’t like the idea?”

“Our formally bonding is a serious matter, Jim.”

“I know that, Spock. Believe me I am not trying to make light of it in any way. I just think it would be really appropriate for us to begin the last two years of our mission completely bonded. And I’d like our friends, our family, to be there to celebrate with us. Because to me it is a celebration.” Jim stopped and turned Spock to face him. “To finally have you as mine.”

“I am already yours,” Spock said, raising an eyebrow. “I would have thought Pon Farr proved that.”

“It did. You know what I mean.” Jim felt a touch of uncertainty twist his gut. “You do want to formally bond with me, don’t you? Have you changed your mind?”

“Jim, no.” Spock pulled him to the side of the corridor they were walking down. “I want nothing more. I merely wished to remind you that we are already bonded and there is nothing that will change that even if we never bonded in front of T’Pau on New Vulcan. Vulcans bond for life, Jim. I will never want another.”

“Okay. And you know I feel the same.”

“Yes.”

“All right, so shall we find your father and Spock? Other Spock.”

“Affirmative.”

****

“You wished to speak with me privately, Jim?”

“Yeah, I did. But it didn’t have to be before dinner,” Jim said as they walked in an indoor garden on Starbase 5.

“Spock and Sarek wished to discuss some family business, so now seemed a good opportunity,” the ambassador said with a small shrug.

Jim was torn with being miffed he wasn’t considered family enough to be in on a family discussion and being happy enough to avoid as much awkward time with Sarek as he could.

“I don’t think he likes me.”

“To whom do you refer?”

“Sarek. He looks very unimpressed.”

“That is his usual expression, Jim.”

“Hmm.”

“He did not express to me a disapproval of you.”

“What about that anyway? Is that weird? You know being older than your father. Jesus, it must be.”

“Everything about my being here in your universe is rather complicated,” the ambassador admitted. “The Sarek Spock knows as his father is not quite the same as mine. Similar but different.”

“Like your Jim.”

“Yes.”

“Gives me a headache.”

Old Spock actually smiled. It was a small smile, showing no teeth, but it was a smile. “As I have told you, you are very much like my Jim.”

“Is that why you told Spock what I said?”

“Ah, so here at last is your reason for seeking a private audience with me.”

Jim’s jaw tightened. “I have to admit I thought our conversations were between us, Spock.”

“You are disturbed I shared your distress with him.”

“If disturbed means pissed than yes. I thought I could trust you.”

“Jim, there is no one you can trust more than me except Spock. Neither of us would ever harm you.”

“Don’t you think telling someone else my confidences _is_ harmful?”

“Would you have told Spock what was happening?” he asked.

“Eventually.”

“And perhaps that would have been too late given the Spock from the mirror universe had already decided to claim you.”

Jim huffed out a breath. “That still would have been my mistake to make.”

The ambassador stopped to lean over a strange flowering plant. “You cannot expect me to regret any action that perhaps saved your life or saved you from a particularly unpleasant captivity in the mirror universe.”

“God, you are annoying,” Jim said, running his hand through his hair. “You make it hard to even be mad at you.”

He inclined his head. “Indeed. I would rather you were not displeased with me as one thing has not changed from my universe to this one.”

Jim frowned. “What is that?”

“You are my favorite human.”

And all at once his irritation faded like it was never there. “You make me want to give you another hug.”

“That would be agreeable.”

So Jim embraced him, holding him perhaps tighter than was strictly necessary. “But now I guess we have to go to that dinner.”

“Yes, if we do not, very soon your bondmate will come looking for you as he always does.”

Jim smiled and took old Spock’s arm. “Yeah, he does.”

****

“Your conversation with my counterpart went well?” Spock asked him as they were being seated at a restaurant on the Starbase that had a large selection of vegetarian dishes.

“Yeah, it went fine.” Jim grinned. “For some reason he reminds me of you.”

Jim laughed when Spock merely glared at him but he stopped laughing when he caught the disapproving eye of Sarek. He took his seat between the two Spocks, scooting closer to his own Spock figuring he’d be more likely to protect him.

“Your chair is so close we are likely to bump each other while eating,” Spock pointed out.

“I need protection,” Jim mumbled.

“Why do you need protection?” Spock asked loudly, drawing Sarek’s attention. “If there is a threat to you I will call security to come down from the ship.”

He rolled his eyes. “Never mind.” But he also didn’t move away and picked up his menu. Jim could feel Spock watching him.

“You are tense.”

“Yeah, I’m dining with three Vulcans who will probably suffocate me in all their logicness.”

“That is—”

“Illogical. I know. God, I want a fucking hamburger.” Then he flushed when he realized Sarek was still staring at him. Gack. “Just phaser me now.”

“You are being more erratic than usual, Jim.” Now Spock was eyeing him with concern. “Perhaps this was a mistake.”

“No, no. I’m fine.”

Spock was quiet for a moment and then a waitress, an Andorian judging by the blue skin, white hair, and antennae, came by to take their drink orders. Of course the Vulcan trio all ordered tea. Jim ordered coffee and tried to ignore their vaguely disapproving looks.

“If you wish to consume an animal product,” Spock said, “then order one.”

“It won’t offend your father?”

“Your dietary needs are of no interest to him.”

“Are you sure?”

“You do not need my approval.”

He snorted. “Since when?”

“Were you in the habit of eating such products I would, of course, curtail it. However it has been some time since you indulged. I do not see why you should refrain tonight.”

“Okay, you have convinced me. What are you getting?”

Spock showed him his menu and pointed to some vegetable frittata thing.  

“I wonder if the ambassador will get the same thing.”

“Jim, we are not the same—”

Jim leaned over to speak to the ambassador. “What are you getting?”

“The vegetable frittata.”

Jim couldn’t help but chuckle. “Good choice.”

“It is a coincidence,” his Spock insisted.

“Okay.”

“It is.”

Jim patted his hand.

The waitress came and they ordered and Jim decided the best thing to do was to allow the Vulcan trio to converse and he would just listen. Fade into the background. A trick he had learned before.

“James.”

_Oh shit_.

“Sarek. Sir. Sir Sarek.”

“Sarek is sufficient,” he said coolly.

“Yes, sir. Sarek.” Lord, Jim, shut it.

“Spock has told me that you intend to formalize your bond when your ship reaches the third year of your mission.”

“Yes, that’s right.”

“That is not that far into the future,” Sarek said.

“No, but we’ve already waited for more than a year, so I don’t see a need to wait too much longer.”

“We will need some time to prepare.”

“I’m sure, which is why it’s good you know about it now and can be ready.”

Sarek stared at him coolly but said nothing.

The waitress arrived with their food and Jim proceeded to eat his burger while he did indeed let the Vulcans around him carry the conversation. They talked of New Vulcan business and he probably should be listening because he knew it was important to Spock but he was so damn tired, he could only manage to hear half of it.

Jim kept blinking his eyes open as they continued to fight him to drift closed.

Spock leaned toward him and spoke very quietly. “You are exhausted, T’hy’la. Why do you not return to the ship and go to bed?”

“Wouldn’t that be rude?” He barely stifled a yawn.

“No. We do not take offense. Your welfare is my priority. I would like for you to retire for the night.”

Jim found he was too tired to put up much of a fight over it, so he apologized, got up and left the restaurant. But not without a promise he would contact Spock when he was safely in his quarters. Vulcan worry wart.

He’d barely made it to his quarters before he collapsed on the bed, not even bothering to remove his clothes. Then he remembered to call Spock. He took out his communicator.

“Hey Spock.”

“Captain?”

He smiled. “Yes, Commander. I’m here. Going to sleep now.”

“Good. I will be there when we have concluded our meal.”

“’Kay.” He closed his communicator and drifted off.

****

The meeting with the admiralty had taken hours. Literally. And by the time Jim made his way back to the Enterprise he was sick to death of Starbase 5 and was completely ready to be on his way out of there.

Spock was waiting for him in the transporter room.

“Status report?”

“The ship is prepared to leave at your command, Captain.”

“Excellent.” Jim yawned.

“You are still exhausted.”

“A bit. God, that fucking meeting was torture.”

“What was it about?”

“Basically tensions are getting worse with the Klingons, we probably are getting closer to a war, what I need to do to make sure I really do become an admiral someday, and blah blah blah.”

“That was it?”

“Mostly. If it comes to war, they want the Enterprise to take the lead in any confrontation. If any other Federation ships are involved, they want us to lead them.”

“They really do seem to put their confidence in you,” Spock said.

“In us, Commander. We’re a team.” Jim rolled his shoulders. “I’m sorry I missed seeing off your father and Ambassador Spock.”

“They understood where your duties lay.” Spock followed him out of the transporter room.

Jim smiled. “Good.”

“Would you like me to give the departure order, Captain?”

“No, I’m okay.”

And they made their way to the bridge to depart from Starbase 5.


	43. Spock's Love

Spock was not certain what woke him. A slight noise from the ship, a soft whimper from his sleeping bondmate, or merely reaching optimal rest.

Jim was on his side facing Spock, his eyelids fluttering just a little in sleep. Spock rested his hand on Jim’s hipbone, watching him breathe. He was beautiful like this, his face almost innocent.

Spock had a need to touch him. Before Jim, he’d never really had a need to touch anyone. He’d allowed touching from his mother and Nyota. He did not find their touch displeasing. But he’d not felt a need to offer touch back. Now with Jim, touching him offered Spock a comfort he’d never known. It might be illogical but in this instance he did not care.

He could not imagine how much deeper the bond could be when it was formalized on New Vulcan for he was already consumed with a need to be with Jim at all times. It sometimes frightened him, the depth of his regard, and Spock was not easily frightened.

Spock moved his hand from Jim’s hipbone to lightly fan over Jim’s face. They would be parted someday. Spock knew this. And the likelihood that Jim would be the one to die first was not lost on him. This is what had happened to Spock’s counterpart and though the elder Vulcan did his best to appear serene, Spock saw the depths of his despair in his dark eyes so like his own.

That despair dimmed just a little when Spock’s own Jim was with the elder Spock. And therefore, Spock did not really begrudge their friendship. How could he? It was unimaginable to be without Jim and yet when looking upon his counterpart the knowledge of that loss was all too real.

Sometimes in rare moments, Spock wished to be the one to die first so he would never have to face such devastation. But then he would remember that there was no one he trusted to look after Jim like he did, no one that would put his bondmate above all others, all things. Not even Dr. McCoy.

A moment before those eyelids lifted to reveal the startling blue beneath them, Spock felt the stirrings of Jim’s brilliant mind. He smiled as soon as he saw Spock watching him.

“Hey.” Jim licked his lips. “How long have you been awake?”

Spock hesitated. “For a while.”

“Watching me again?” His smile widened. “It’s okay, you know. I don’t mind.”

“You are striking in your repose.”

Jim’s nostrils flared. “God, I want you to fuck me.”

“I am very amenable to that,” Spock said softly.

Jim scooted closer and put his arms around Spock’s neck. “I love it when we’re alone like this. I can shut out the universe and pretend it’s only us, no planets, no missions. Just you, just me.”

“I, too, find the idea appealing.”

Jim leaned in to kiss him, sweet and deep, slowly, sending a burning need through Spock to claim him.

“Mine,” Spock growled against Jim’s lips.

“Yours and no other’s.”

He flipped Jim onto his back and fused their lips together, just as soon he would fuse their bodies, their minds in the same way. They slept naked most nights, something that gratified Spock since he loved to feel Jim’s bare skin, so all he had to do was reach for the lubricant to prepare his bondmate.

Spock inserted his slicked fingers inside Jim, reveling in the low moans from Jim’s throat. No one else would ever possess Jim again. Only Spock. He withdrew his fingers and pushed in with his cock, all the way in, balls deep.

He placed one hand on Jim’s psi-points, melding them, and the other on Jim’s hard cock, stroking him.

“Oh God,” Jim groaned. “Spock. Oh, please. God, that’s—fuck.” Jim bucked and squirmed beneath him while Spock pounded into him.

Spock pushed pleasure into Jim’s mind and he clenched around Spock. They orgasmed within seconds of each other.

After, Spock held Jim tight to him, not wanting to let him go, not wanting to get up from their bed.

“Fuck, that was really intense,” Jim said, his breath fanning across Spock’s chest. “That was more intense than usual, wasn’t it?”

“Perhaps so.”

“Reminded me a bit of Pon Farr.”

Spock could not help the rumble of amusement. “Do not fear, Ashayam, I am not in Pon Farr again.”

Jim snorted. “Trust me, I’m not afraid of your dick even in Pon Farr.”

He shook his head. “The things you say.”

“Ah, but it’s fun to shock you just a little.”

“You do on occasion. Not as often as you would like, I imagine.”

“Yeah, I think you are getting used to me.”

Spock held him tighter. “I like the notion of being used to you.”

“Me, too. Or sort of. I also like surprising you.”

He kissed the top of Jim’s head. “I will never tire of you, T’hy’la.”

Jim sighed. “I hope so.”

“I know so. You have my counterpart as proof. Do you believe he tired of his Jim?”

“No. I think he loved him very much.”

“As do I love you.”

Jim placed a kiss on Spock’s chest. “Vulcans are my favorite species.”

“Are they? Since when?”

“Since my two favorite beings in the universe are both Vulcans and both named Spock.”

“I would advise you not to proclaim to Dr. McCoy that he comes in third.”

Jim laughed. “I really, really love you, you know that?”

“I do and I am gratified. However, as much as I would enjoy spending the day in bed with you, I believe we are required on the bridge soon.”

“Didn’t I resign my commission?”

“I believe the admirals did not accept your resignation.”

“Damn them.” Jim sighed. “Okay, okay. I know we have another fucking mission too. Gamma Hydra IV or something. Dropping off more supplies. I swear that’s all we seem to do these days.”

Jim rose from the bed, and naked, went to the replicator. “Tea?”

“Affirmative.” Spock rose and reached for his robe as Jim took coffee and tea from the replicator. “You were once eager for every new mission, Captain. Have they become so tedious now?”

“No. Yes. Maybe. I dunno. Just ferrying supplies isn’t really what I had in mind when I thought about exploring the galaxy.”

“I would be gratified if that was all it was. As we both know, that is rarely the case.”

Jim smiled and took a large slurp of his coffee. “Wanna share the shower?”

“That would be agreeable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a fluffy chapter


	44. The Deadly Years

 

“In orbit for Gamma Hydra IV, Captain,” Sulu said.

Jim smiled. “Thank you, Mr. Sulu.”

Spock stepped up beside him. “Captain, I wish to request that you stay behind while I lead the landing party to Gamma Hydra IV.”

“You do, huh?” Jim smirked.

“Yes, we are merely dropping off supplies and checking on the welfare of the researchers, Robert and Elaine Johnson. This is not a mission that requires your participation in the away team.”

“Okay.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “You are agreeing?”

“I am.”

His Vulcan’s eyes narrowed. “You have agreed far too readily.”

“I would think you would be pleased, Mr. Spock. I’m not putting up any fight.”

“Yes, which gives me cause for concern. I know you too well at this point to believe you would agree without some convincing.”

“And yet I am. Search our bond, Spock. No nefarious plans on the side. I have tons of reports to do and messages to return.” Jim shrugged. “I just happen to trust that you can handle it.”

“I can,” Spock said stiffly.

“I know. The only thing I would like to do is recommend you take Dr. McCoy, and Chekov with you. Oh and that botanist, um, Galway. Arlene Galway. She should be interested in the plant life down there.”

“Very well, Captain. Mr. Chekov, the transporter room,” Spock ordered and Chekov got up and followed him into the turbolift.

Jim smiled and shook his head and went back to his PADD. He’d lost track of time when he heard, “Spock to Enterprise.”

“Kirk here.”

“Captain, the Johnsons are dead.”

Leave it to Spock to just blurt it out like that. Jim frowned. “Excuse me?”

 “Robert and Elaine Johnson are deceased. Mr. Chekov came upon the body of Robert Johnson and became alarmed. Shortly after we discovered the body of Elaine Johnson.”

“What did they die of?”

There was a long pause and Jim was about to ask the question again.

“Advanced age, Captain.”

“What? That can’t be. Didn’t I read that Robert and Elaine Johnson were twenty-seven and twenty-five?”

“Biologically, yes.” Spock paused. “However, their bodies, according to Dr. McCoy, have been aged well into their octogenarian years.”

“What the fuck?” Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, beam back up. We’ll notify Starfleet.”

“Jim.” Bones’ voice.

“Yeah?”

“I’d like to bring up the bodies of the Johnsons and do post-mortems.”

“All right, Bones. Go ahead. Kirk out.” He turned his chair toward Uhura. “Lieutenant, notify Starfleet of the passing of the Johnsons and the circumstances. Tell them we’ll keep them posted on any further findings.”

“Aye, Captain.”

A few minutes later, Spock and Chekov appeared on the bridge. Spock went to his station, so Jim stood and walked over to him.

“Everything okay?”

Spock blinked very slowly. “Yes, Captain.”

Jim frowned. “Don’t lie to me, Spock.”

“Vulcans do not lie.”

“Then don’t avoid telling me the truth,” Jim said with no little exasperation. “What is really going on?”

“I am unexpectedly fatigued and I find my joints rather stiff.”

“Hmm. I don’t like the sound of that.”

“McCoy to Kirk.”

“Yeah, Bones?”

“Jim, can you come down here?”

“Be right there. Spock?”

Spock rose and followed him into the turbolift. Jim eyed him.

“What?” Spock asked.

“You are moving a little stiffly. I mean, more stiff than usual. You always move sort of like you’ve got a stick up your—”

“Jim.”

He laughed. “I’m kidding. You know I absolutely freaking adore you, Spock.”

The turbolift opened and they headed down the corridor toward the medbay. Or Jim did and Spock trailed far behind. He did not like that. It was very unlike Spock not to keep pace with him. When they got to medbay he was going to have Bones check Spock out.

“Hey, Jim,” Bones said as soon as they entered the medbay. He sounded exhausted and looked haggard. And he was a little hunched over.

“Bones? Something wrong with your back?”

“It’s the darndest thing, but it is bothering me a bit.”

“Spock is having trouble, too.”

“Captain,” Spock protested.

The doors of medbay swooshed open and a very old, decrepit looking woman in a blue uniform dress clutched the door way. “Doctor McCoy.”

Jim stared. “Who—?”

“Lieutenant Galway?”

“Oh, my God,” Jim said, before he could stop himself.

Bones went to her, putting his arms around her. “Arlene, what happened?”

“I don’t know,” she said, brokenly. “I went to take a nap and I woke up like this. I saw myself in the mirror—I-I can’t believe it.”

Jim’s heart constricted. No one should have to go through that. He watched in horror as Bones led her to the nearest biobed. He made her comfortable and then turned back to Jim.

“I’m still checking things, Jim, but the nearest thing I can figure is the Johnsons aged because of some sort of sickness they got from Gamma Hydra IV.”

“Sickness? Like what?”

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean, you don’t know?’ Jim asked, his gut twisting as the realization came to him that if Galway was affected by being down on the planet probably Spock, Bones, and Chekov were too.

“Captain, if I may,” Spock said. “I did pick up readings of a comet-like object passing by Gamma Hydra IV within the last few days. It is possible this incident is somehow related.”

“Doctor?” Lieutenant Galway rasped from the biobed.

Jim followed Bones to her side. But even as they stood there the light from her eyes went out and after gasping out her last breath, she stared straight ahead.

He tried to breathe, but his chest ached. This…this could not be happening. “Bones…how old was Arlene Galway?”

“Twenty-six, Jim,” he whispered.

Jim swallowed. There was gray in Bones’ hair that hadn’t been there before. “Bones, your hair.”

He went to a mirror in medbay and stared at his reflection. “Whatever this is, Jim, it’s going to affect all of the landing party.”

“How come she went so fast? You two are aging but not like that.” Jim saw signs of aging on Spock, too. He didn’t want to see them, so he didn’t look at Spock very much.

“Not sure, Jim. Maybe her metabolism. I have to do more tests of her and the Johnsons.”

“This…this shouldn’t happen. She was twenty-six fucking years old.” Jim clenched his fists.

“Jim,” Spock said in a gentle voice. “I am going to go to the lab to study the possibility of that comet.”

Jim turned to him and then walked the few steps to his side. His gaze searched Spock’s. “Spock, I—”

_T’hy’la, you must maintain control._

_I know. I just…it’s hard. I’m scared._

_I know. You are strong, Jim._

“I will report on my findings, Captain.” Spock turned and left the medbay.

He turned back to Bones. “I want answers.”

Bones nodded. “So do I.” He went to the comm on the wall. “Ensign Chekov report to the medbay immediately.”

Jim nodded. “Keep me posted.”

****

“McCoy to Kirk.”

Kirk had just obtained a cup of tea from the replicator in his quarters. He’d been having a private conversation with Admiral Stiles about the situation a few minutes earlier.

He winced at the tiredness he heard in his friend’s voice. The age. “Bones?”

“Jim, near as I can figure out is these people aged thirty years a day.”

“Oh my God.” He sat down. “How?”

Bones sighed. “I heard from Spock. I guess he’s probably there with you and already told you.”

Jim frowned. “No. What did he say?”

“It definitely came from the comet. Some sort of radiation poisoning. Tried the usual drug Hyronalin but so far it’s not working. And the other thing, Jim, is Chekov is fine.”

“Fine?”

“Showing absolutely no signs of aging. He’s fit as a fiddle, Jim.”

“Was there anywhere you guys went that Chekov didn’t?”

“Nope, we all went the same places.”

“Okay, I—”

The door of his quarters opened and Spock came in looking a hell of a lot older than last time Jim had seen him. His breath caught in his throat.

“Bones, I’ll-I’ll get back to you. Kirk out.”

“Captain, Dr. McCoy reported my findings to you?”

“Yes, Spock.” Jim went to him. Put his hands on his arms. “Do you want to sit down?”

Spock looked hesitant and then nodded. “That would be agreeable.”

Jim forced himself to smile. He didn’t know why, because he knew Spock had to feel his distress and anxiety through their bond. He sure as hell felt Spock’s.

“Come on, sweetie,” Jim said softly. “Sit. You want some tea?”

Spock nodded and sat on the sofa. He sighed wearily and Jim tried not to wince at the sound. He got another cup of tea from the replicator and took a seat next to his bondmate.

“Spock, it’s gonna be okay.”

“Yes.”

“It is,” Jim insisted. “Bones will find a cure. Maybe you can work together. There has to be something.”

He reached for Spock’s hand and Spock curved his finger around Jim’s.

“Jim, we must talk,” Spock said after a moment.

“About?” he asked. He knew about what. He did. Spock’s thoughts were coming loud and clear through their bond. It was as though he couldn’t shield them from Jim even a little. Maybe because of his aging. Jim didn’t know. What he did know was that Spock wanted to talk to Jim about Spock dying and Jim would absolutely fucking not accept that.

“T’hy’la, if we are unable to find a way to stop and reverse the aging process—”

“We will. There is no reason to continue that sentence. It’s all going to be fixed. I won’t accept anything else.”

“If we are unable to find a way—”

“No, Goddamn it!” Jim stood and walked away from the sofa. “You aren’t going to do this, Spock. You aren’t going to die on me.”

“Jim.”

“Don’t say Jim in that condescending manner! It’s _not_ supposed to be this way. I am supposed to die first. You know that. We both know that. I’ve seen you when you’re old and without me and _that_ is the way it is. It has to be. I won’t accept it any other way.”

“Ashayam, I do not wish to die.”

“Then don’t say that! Don’t give me scenarios that start with the worse fucking option. I don’t believe in no win scenarios, Spock. I refuse to start now.” He came back to Spock and knelt before him. He grabbed one of Spock’s hands. “I can’t make it without you.”

Spock cupped Jim’s cheek with his other hand. “Yes, you can. You will, if it comes to that. I do not want to leave you. We have many years ahead of us, this is my hope above all things. But logically we must discuss the possibility of the cure for the radiation poison coming too late to save Dr. McCoy, me or perhaps both of us.”

“I can’t survive the loss of you. Both of you.”

“You can. You faced the possibility of both of our deaths when the shuttle exploded on Lyra.”

“I almost had a nervous breakdown.”

“You did not and you would have handled it.” Spock stroked his cheek. “I believe in you, Jim. You can handle anything.”

His eyes filled with tears. “I don’t want to handle that.”

“I know.” Spock kissed him lightly. “I would rather spare you that pain also.”

“Then we’ll all work together,” Jim said firmly. “You, me, Bones. We’ll do it. I know we will. Come on, Spock. We don’t have any time to waste.”

****

“You two get to working on finding some drug to counteract this,” Jim said to Bones and Spock in the lab. “I have to talk to someone.”

Spock searched his gaze. “Who would that be, Jim?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jim said, holding two fingers out to Spock. With obvious reluctance Spock met his fingers in the Vulcan kiss and then turned to begin work.

He left the lab and headed straight back to his quarters. He hit the comm on his terminal. “Lieutenant Uhura, do you have my transmission?”

“Aye, Captain,” she said. “Jim, is…Spock…”

“He’s going to make it, Nyota. I won’t have it any other way. Patch him through.”

“Yes, sir.”

Spock’s counterpart appeared on the screen at his desk. “Jim, it is remarkably good to see you.”

Jim quashed his impatience. Barely. “Yeah, you too. Look, this is not a social call. I really need your help.”

The elder Spock frowned. “You are unwell?”

“I am, at present, extremely distressed,” Jim said bluntly. “I’ll get straight to the point. Spock and Bones are aging rapidly and will likely die from old age in the very near future. I’ve already lost one crewmember to this. Whatever it is. From beaming down to Gamma Hydra IV.”

His face gave nothing away as he said, “Arlene Galway.”

Jim nodded. He was relieved beyond thought because that clearly meant that Spock, _this_ Spock, and _that_ Jim, had faced this.

“You were not affected by it?”

“No, I didn’t go down with them.” Jim paused. “I did…I mean he did with you, didn’t he?”

“Yes. Admiral Stocker relieved him of command due to his advanced aging.”

Jim frowned. “Well, I have no idea who the fuck Admiral Stocker is, but what I do know is if you faced this before, I know you cured it. I need to know how.”

“Jim—”

“Don’t you dare give me that crap about your vow and changing our destinies, Spock,” Jim said, gritting his teeth. “I _need_ you to help me. Please.”

The elder Spock stared at Jim in silence for several long moments. Finally he gave a tiny sigh. “You know very well I am unable to say no to you, Jim. You are unfairly using this to your advantage.”

“Yeah, I am. Please?”

 

Jim hurried in when the lab doors opened. He tried not to show his shock when he noticed how much older both Spock and Bones looked. “It’s adrenaline. That’s the key. When Chekov was down there, he got scared.”

“That’s right,” Bones said, so old now his whole body shook. “He found Robert Johnson’s body and he freaked out! His heart was pounding so fast I thought he would collapse.”

“There was an attempt to use adrenaline in the cure for radiation poisoning prior to discovering Hyronalin. Once that was discovered to work, all other studies were abandoned,” Spock said.

“Let’s get on it right away,” Bones declared, almost cackling.

Spock was staring at Jim.

“What?” Jim asked.

“You thought of this on your own?”

Jim shrugged. “You don’t think I could?”

“You are the most intelligent human I know,” Spock said. “I have no doubt that you would have thought of it eventually given time to think it through and conduct a thorough investigation. However, you have been gone from the lab for fifteen point two minutes.”

“Yeah, so, okay. I asked Spock.”

“You used his extreme affection for you to coerce him into giving you the information,” Spock surmised.

Jim smiled. “Damn right I did. And I’m not sorry. So save the disapproving Spock look for when you’re cured. Let’s get to work.”

****

Jim turned from the replicator holding a cup of coffee just as Spock came out of the bathroom freshly showered. _His_ Spock. All back to his gorgeousness.

“You are quite pleased with yourself,” Spock remarked.

“I am pleased I have you back with me and all is right with the universe again. _My_ universe anyway.”

“Still, it may not have been wise of you to seek the aid of my counterpart to—”

Jim laughed. “You do know I am aware you contacted him during the battle with Khan, right?”

Spock closed his mouth.

“Aha!” Jim went to him and wrapped his arms around his bondmate’s neck. “Speechless, huh?”

“That was different.”

Apparently not speechless. “How?”

“That was the needs of the many. This was the needs of the few.”

“Actually the one,” Jim acknowledged. “Me. And yeah, it was. I told you before, Spock, I’m not sorry. I would give up anything, everything, to save you. I don’t care what that says about me.”

“Our regard for each other is very strong,” Spock said softly.

“Yeah, scary strong. I know you think I can function without you. I’m not so sure. And anyway, I selfishly don’t want to find out.” He kissed Spock. “Are you mad?”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “Mad?”

“That I’m doing everything I can to make sure it’s me who dies first. That you would be left alone. I know it’s a terrible weakness in me, Spock.”

“As you are human, it is the likely scenario,” Spock agreed. “But my counterpart did die before your counterpart in the other timeline.”

“And my counterpart brought your counterpart back,” Jim said. “As would I.”

Spock closed his eyes and pulled Jim into his arms, holding him tight. “I love you, T’hy’la.”

Jim exhaled long and softly as he felt Spock breathing against him. “And I you.” 


	45. Third Year Anniversary

 

It had been several months—in fact five months, fifteen days—since Spock had found he must locate his bondmate in Jim’s preferred room on the observation deck. He’d used the computer for Jim’s location after not finding him in his quarters and finding the bond quiet. Spock did not have the patience to walk about the ship looking for Jim.

He had to use his override code to enter the room, but he was gratified he had not had to use Jim’s highest security code. That would have told Spock that his bondmate deliberately shut him out.

He should have hypothezed that Jim would pick this location to reflect on the end of their third year. He always became contemplative when a year passed.  

Jim sat on the floor directly in front of the windows staring out at the stars. His knees were bent and his arms were wrapped around those bent knees. Spock knew Jim was aware of his presence as he approached him. Spock sat next to him and put his hand on Jim’s leg, but did not speak. The bond thrummed low and warm but he could not get Jim’s thoughts.

“Hi,” Jim said softly after several moments of silence between them.

“You are distressed.”

“Not exactly. Completely. I don’t know.”

“You are shielding,” Spock said, trying not to make it sound like an accusation.

“I’m sorry.”

“May I ask why you are shutting me out again?”

“I’m not. I mean, I don’t mean to. God, how do you even put up with me, Spock?”

Spock moved closer to Jim and took his hand in his. Spock pushed comfort and love through the bond.

“I do not put up with you. You are my bondmate.”

“I’m so fucked up.”

“You are not. I would know what has caused your distress this time, Ashayam.”

Jim sighed and shifted so that he was sitting pretty much in Spock’s lap. Spock allowed it for he found he did not mind.

“Thinking about tomorrow.”

Spock stiffened. Tomorrow was their formal bonding day on New Vulcan. Had Jim changed his mind about going through their bonding ceremony and was afraid to tell Spock?

Trying to keep his voice calm, Spock made himself ask, “You do not wish to formalize our bond?”

Jim sighed, which did not reassure Spock in the least. But then suddenly his mind was wide open to Spock, the shields dropping, and Spock felt intense love, desire, and contentment with him, but also deep distress. He tightened his arms around Jim.

“So it is not the bond, then what, T’hy’la? It is my desire to comfort you.”

“You do with just being here. Just being Spock. I love you more than you can possibly imagine.” Jim leaned against him.

Spock shook his head. “No. You just let me know how much you love me.” He shared his love for Jim through the bond.

Jim caught his breath. “Wow. That’s still so amazing. Will the bond change tomorrow? I really like the way it is now. It won’t, will it?”

“Not in a bad way. It will only strengthen.”

“Good.”

“Your distress? It is related to three years of our mission?”

“Mind reader,” Jim mumbled. “A lot of people have died during those three years. It’s fucked, Spock. And you know, maybe Pike really was right.”

“You are back to that?” Spock shook his head. “Admiral Pike was a great man, Jim, whom I admired very much. But he was not infallible and he got many things wrong. Including your not being ready to be captain. I would serve under no other and many of your crew feel as I do.”

“That’s because you love me.”

“Beyond anything. But I would not lie to you if I thought you were an incompetent commander.”

Jim laughed. “No, you probably wouldn’t.”

“What distresses you?” Spock asked again.

“The admiralty puts all this pressure and faith on me like I can just lead the whole armada against the Klingons. What if I fuck it up and the whole fleet dies?”

Spock projected calm through the bond and then kissed the top of Jim’s head. “You will not.”

He exhaled. “How can you be so sure?”

“Among the other things that Admiral Pike said to you before his death was that he believed in you, Ashayam. He saw greatness in you. And I know my counterpart feels this way about you as well.”

“He looks at me and sees the perfect Jim Kirk.”

Spock shook his head. “I do not believe he thought his Jim Kirk perfect, but I know that he believes you are very similar. Your crew believes in you, Jim. You even have Nyota on your side and that is a great feat indeed.”

Jim laughed. “And you. I have you.”

“You especially have me. I do not know what the future holds as far as the Klingons are concerned. But whatever it is, we will face it together.”

Jim sighed and snuggled closer to Spock. “I never thought I’d be here like this. With you. I loved you for so long it seemed an impossibility. And after everything with Pike and then Khan, to be back as captain of the Enterprise…it’s amazing, really. Everything that’s happened these last several years is amazing.”

“You are amazing,” Spock assured him.

“You didn’t once think so.” But Jim was smiling. “You wanted to kill me. Literally.”

“You did try my patience,” Spock acknowledged.

“I still do, huh?”

“I find I do not mind as much as I once did.”

“I grew on you. You just couldn’t resist my good looks and charm.”

Spock nodded. “You are extremely aesthetically pleasing. And I suppose your charm did grow on me.”

“Keep that up and I’m gonna want you to fuck me right here.”

Spock shifted so that Jim lay beneath him. “I am amenable.”

****

“What am I supposed to wear?” Jim asked Spock as he came out of their bathroom the next day.

“You may dress as you please.”

“Well, like what? Is my uniform okay?”

“It does not matter, Jim. You may wear your uniform. Your attire will not matter to them.”

Jim sighed and pulled on his black undershirt. “I suppose worrying about my clothes is illogical.”

“Yes,” Spock agreed.

“In human marriages everyone dresses up in fancy clothes.”

Spock nodded. “I am aware of the human tradition. I had assumed you would not wish to don a wedding gown.”

Jim paused in the middle of pulling on his gold tunic. “What? Wait. Why do I have to be the bride?”

Spock shrugged and straightened his own uniform shirt. He held out two fingers to Jim. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s go.”

He could feel Jim’s anxiety through their bond but he was unsure of the source of it. He knew Jim had agreed to be formally bonded and Spock believed that Jim wanted it as much as Spock did.

As they approached the transporter room, though, his bondmate’s anxiety went up.

Jim made to move up to the transporter pad but Spock stopped him with a hand on his arm. He pulled a frowning Jim over to the side of the room.

“May I know the source of your distress?”

‘I’m not distressed,” Jim protested.

“I feel your anxiety, Jim.”

“I’m nervous, Spock. Humans get nervous.”

“Why?”

“It’s just one of those human frailties. It’s not really something I can help.”

“So you have no regrets?” Spock asked for clarification.

Jim smiled. “No.”

“You are not getting what humans refer to as _cold feet_?”

This caused his bondmate to laugh. “I’m not at all.”

Spock nodded. “I am gratified. Shall we?” He gestured to the transporter pads and they stepped onto them.

“Energize,” Jim ordered.

They were met on New Vulcan by Spock’s father and Spock did not fail to notice that Jim stepped just a little closer to Spock when faced with Sarek. Completely illogical as Sarek would not hurt Jim.

Spock greeted his father as did Jim and Sarek returned the greeting.

“T’Pau awaits you.”

Even as they began to follow after Sarek, the transporter behind them activated and McCoy and Nyota appeared.

“You could have waited for us,” the doctor grumbled, hurrying to catch up to Jim.

“I knew you’d catch up,” Jim replied. “Are the others coming?”

“Already here, Captain. We’re the last to arrive,” Nyota said.

The bonding ceremony was to take place in the open air. New Vulcan was not as hot and dry as Vulcan had been. It would never truly be home to Spock for there were so many dissimilarities and there was the glaring absence of his mother. But it was the most appropriate place now for the bonding.

When they arrived at the appointed place, Spock noted the presence of Sulu, Chekov, and Scott. Nyota and McCoy went to join them as he and Jim approached T’Pau. Besides Sarek and T’Pau there were four other Vulcan elders present.

“Spock, there are a lot of outworlders here,” she said coolly.

“They are our friends. They wished to attend the ceremony.”

“We give into the wishes of outsiders now?”

He felt Jim stiffen beside him. “It is also the wish of my bondmate and myself that they witness our bonding.”

“That is highly unusual.” She turned to study Jim. “Kirk, you are the human with whom Spock shares his mind. I trust you understand the significance of the Telsu bond.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

T’Pau indicated they should kneel before her. She put her hands on both of their faces and their psi-points and then spoke the Vulcan words.

Jim’s mind was strong in Spock’s and Spock’s in Jim’s. He was aware their bond was already very strong but T’Pau solidified the threads that connected them. She released their minds and stepped back.

“It is done. Your bond was near completion.” She looked down at Jim. “Your human’s mind is strong. I did not expect this.”

Spock illogically felt pride over her words. They stood together.

T’Pau and the other four elders moved away, but Sarek approached them.

“You will dine with me tonight,” he said. It was not a request, so Spock nodded. “Your crew are welcome to attend as well, James.”

“Mr. Sulu, Mr. Chekov, and Mr. Scott are needed on the ship, but I am sure Dr. McCoy and Lieutenant Uhura will accept.”

Spock’s father inclined his head. “This way.”

****

“You are well?” Spock asked as they prepared to be seated at the table of Spock’s father’s house.

Jim smiled. “What does the bond tell you?”

Spock felt contentment and only a small amount of lingering anxiety. Which he now knew was directed toward Sarek. “Jim, my father does not disapprove of you.”

“Really?”

“Really. He accepts my choice of bondmate.”

Jim sighed. “That’s not the same thing as approving.”

“His approval of our bond is irrelevant.”

“How can your father’s approval be irrelevant, Spock?”

“It is not required,” Spock explained. “He is content that I am bonded as is our way. My choice of bondmate is irrelevant to him.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “That makes no sense to me.”

Spock nodded. “It is because you are not Vulcan. Humans cultivate the approval of their parental figures in most life choices, do they not?”

“Well, yeah, pretty much.” Jim eyed Spock. “He disapproved of your joining Starfleet, though, didn’t he?”

“He wished to see me serve Vulcan rather than the Federation,” Spock acknowledged.

“So, he is able to disapprove of some of your life choices than, isn’t he?”

Spock arched an eyebrow at that, unsure of how to respond. He was saved from further reflection when the doctor, Nyota, and Spock’s father entered the dining room. Sarek sat at the head of the table and Jim took the seat to his left. Spock would have rather sat next to Jim, but he knew it was more appropriate to sit next to his father’s right and across from his bondmate. That left McCoy next to Jim and Nyota next to Spock.

“James, what do you intend to do when your five year mission is completed?” Sarek asked.

Jim smiled. “Sign up for another?”

“I see.” Sarek looked toward Spock, but said nothing.

“I’m not actually sure,” Jim said. “It will depend on where the Federation is at that point. Whether we are at war with the Klingons. What the admiralty expects out of me. A number of factors, actually.”

“It is logical to consider all options,” Sarek said.

“Indeed,” Spock murmured. He also knew that his father was aware that any plans Jim made for the future would be the same plans Spock would. As bondmates their lives were forever entwined. Spock was content with his role as science officer and first officer under Jim’s command, so in Starfleet it would be Jim who would dictate their future.

“I just hope these next two years aren’t as eventful as the last three,” Dr. McCoy said.

“Given the rising tensions between the Federation and the Klingons, Dr. McCoy, that is unlikely,” Sarek said.

“Well, one can dream, can’t one?”

“That would be an illogical use of your rest period,” Spock’s father said.

Spock saw Jim’s lips twitch with amusement.

It was some time later that Spock noticed Nyota outside looking up at the sky. Jim, the doctor, and Spock’s father were involved in a discussion in the other room, so Spock joined Nyota.

“You are very quiet.”

She nodded and smiled. “Just thinking.”

“May I inquire as to the reason for your contemplation?”

Nyota sighed. “Two years ago you and I were thinking of bonding here.”

Spock studied her face, detected the sadness around her eyes. “I am sorry, Nyota. It did not occur to me that including you today would cause you pain.”

“It doesn’t. Exactly. I just can’t help but think how different my life would have been if Jim Kirk had never entered our lives.” She shook her head. “But that’s stupid. And anyway, he’s made you happy in a way I never did.”

“I was content with you.”

She smiled. “You were content, Spock, but you were not happy. I’ve seen you with him. There is no one else that makes you feel the way he does.”

Spock did not reply because she was correct. There would be no logic to agreeing with the obvious.

Nyota continued, “When you first told me of the bond you shared with him, part of me did think it was all that was between you. Oh, I know Vulcan bonds are important, but I meant that if your minds hadn’t been so compatible, you would have loved me instead of him.”

“Nyota—”

“But I realized soon enough I was wrong about that too. It’s always been Kirk. He pulled more emotion out of you then anyone ever could and that was from the beginning. I don’t know how I was so blind to it for so long. If you and I had bonded, Spock, it would have been a mistake. You would have longed for Kirk. Kirk and Spock, that’s the way it always is, always meant to be. I don’t know, I guess it’s a universe thing.” She sighed again. “I certainly couldn’t fight it.”

“I am sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m not really upset about it anymore. This just all got me thinking about it, is all. And it’s a beautiful night out here, anyway.”

The door opened and Jim stepped outside.

“Everything okay out here?” Jim asked, his tone very calm and casual. And there was nothing in the bond to indicate he was otherwise.

“Everything is fine, Captain,” Nyota said with a smile. “I’m going back inside for some tea.”

Jim watched her go past him into Sarek’s house. Then he came to take Spock’s hand. “Did I interrupt something?”

“No. Nyota was reminiscing over our years together.”

Jim smirked. “Is that why my ears were burning?” Then he squeezed Spock’s hand. “Is she upset?”

“She says she is not.”

“And you? Are you distressed, Spock?”

Spock pulled Jim close. “No. I regret causing Nyota any pain, but I cannot regret having you.”

“I feel the same.”

“I know.” Spock held up two fingers to him for a kiss and Jim instantly met them. Where their skin touched tingled with warmth. “You were speaking with my father?”

“I was.”

“And? Did he allay your fears with regard to his disapproval?”

“Actually yes.”

Spock arched a brow. “Indeed?”

“He told me that he had been apprehensive that I would change you.”

“My father used the word apprehensive?”

Jim laughed. “No, but that was my interpretation. But he said he now could tell that I accepted you as you are and he was, therefore, gratified. I don’t think it hurt that he spoke with T’Pau and she advised him how impressed she was with me.”

Spock’s lips twitched. “Did she?”

“Uh-huh. Although not without expressing how I was most likely the most illogical being she had ever come across.”

Spock inclined his head. “She is very wise.”    

Jim rolled his eyes, smiled and leaned up to kiss him. “Back to the Enterprise, Commander?”

“Yes, Captain.”

 

 


	46. Mental Evaluation

Jim had been looking forward to a quiet meal in the corner of the mess room. It was an off time for meals which is why he had chosen it. His shift had just ended and Spock had informed him earlier he had work to do on an experiment in the lab. Most of the crew would not bother him because they were somewhat intimidated by him. Which was laughable really, but in this case he was glad of it.

Except Bones had never paid attention to what Jim looked forward to and so he shouldn’t have been the least bit surprised when the good doc planted himself across from him at his little corner table.

So much for quiet.

Jim eyed the tray Bones had brought with him. “What the hell is that supposed to be?”

“It’s a chicken pot pie.”

He snorted. “Sure it is.” Jim reached for and took a sip of his coffee. “I didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Yeah, I know, which is exactly why I’m here,” Bones said. “I had to pin you down somehow.”

“How’d you know where I was? Computer?”

“Spock.”

“Traitor.”

“Your welfare—”

“Is his highest priority. I know, Bones. He’s told me dozens of times.”

Bones shook his head. “You’re snotty at this time of night. Day. Whatever. That’s the problem with space. You never really know what the fuck time it is.”

“So, tell me, Sunshine,” Jim said with a smirk. “What do you want now?”

“I’m here to remind you about your psych evaluation.”

“Didn’t I already have that in order to satisfy the admiralty over the bonding?”

“I’m not talking about your psych as it relates to wedded bliss.”

Jim frowned. “What the hell then, Bones.”

“In case you’ve forgotten you’ve had a number of extremely traumatic away missions lately. Including physical and psychological torture at the hands of the Vians.”

“So did you.”

“Right and I had my eval like a good member of Starfleet.” Bones stabbed into his pot pie. “You, however, have been avoiding it like the plague.”

“It is the fucking plague. I’ve seen plenty of doctors over the years and I don’t need to see anyone else. That’s why I have you. You’re my doctor.”

“That might be okay, Jim, except you don’t talk to me about what’s in your head.”

 “I don’t talk to _anyone_ about what’s in my head,” Jim said. “It’s ugly.”

“You’re gonna snap, Jim. You already barely sleep and eat. If it weren’t for Spock, I think you already would have snapped. Somehow he keeps you together.”

“That’s all I need,” Jim insisted. “The two of you.”

“Jim, Starfleet is insisting this time. They want the evaluation done.”

His jaw clenched. “Then you do it. You know what to say.”

Bones shook his head. “Not this time. If you don’t agree to be seen by the ship’s counselor, they will be sending a Betazoid.”

“Oh, fuck no. I am not letting one of those mind readers in my head, Bones. No way.”

“Jim—”

“No. Never. Not. Going. To. Happen.”

“You won’t have a choice. If you don’t have it, they’ll have me relieve you of command.”

“Well, then do what you have to do, doctor. Because I say no.”

“Agree to see Lieutenant Michaels for your psych exam and the Betazoid won’t be necessary,” Bones said, staring hard at Jim.

“You’re manipulating me into this.”

Bones nodded. “Maybe. But we both know you’ll do it.”

“I don’t need a head doctor.”

“Maybe not, but you will agree, won’t you?”

Jim blew out a frustrated breath. “I really hate you right now.”

“You love me and we both know it.”

“Doctor,” Spock spoke from beside them. Bones jumped a little. “I see you found the captain.”

“Yeah,” Jim mumbled. “And thanks for that.”

Spock, holding a small plate of vegetables, sat down without commenting. He looked at Jim’s food. “You have only taken three bites of your salad.”

Jim frowned. “How the hell do you know that?”

Spock raised a brow. “Continue eating.”

He glared at his bondmate but stabbed another bite of salad and stuck it in his mouth.

“You’re like a miracle worker with him,” Bones said. “I should have had you talk him into the psych eval.”

“You seemed to be handling it well enough, doctor.”

“He threatened me with a Betazoid,” Jim protested.

“Whining is unbecoming, Jim.” Spock carefully cut his vegetables into bite sized pieces. He nudged Jim to take another bite. Jim did, of course.

Jim stuck out his tongue though before reaching for his PADD. “We’re supposed to soon be orbiting around a planet called Kalada in twelve hours.”

Bones snorted. “What are we supposed to do there?”

“What we do best.”

“Get into trouble?”

“Oh you’re so funny. No, explore, Bones. Seek out new life forms and go boldly. You know.”

“Who is going down on the planet?” Bones asked.

Jim smiled. “You, of course.”

“Me? Why me?”

“Gotta get even somehow. I know how much you love the transporter. I’m thinking you, Sulu, D’Amato, and me.”

Spock sniffed. “No security, Captain?”

“Oh, lord, he’s got his commander voice on.”

“I have not changed my voice.”

Jim sighed. “Yes, I know, sweetie.”

Bones chuckled. “That’s cute. Spock being called sweetie. Never thought I’d see that day.”

Jim laughed. “Now you’ll piss him off.”

Spock looked at Jim coolly. “Anger is illogical. Shall we return to the discussion at hand?”

“Which was?”

“You’re not bringing security with you to the planet’s surface, Captain.”

“Oh, yeah. Right. That’s correct, Commander.”

“Regulations—”

“Oh blah blah. I don’t care about regulations, Spock. You know that by now. I don’t think security is needed.”

“Then I will come with you.”

“No, I want you to stay behind.”

Bones scooted his chair back. “Okay, if you two are going to have a marital spat, I’m out of here.”

Jim waved. “See you, Bones.”

Spock was staring hard at Jim. Not even pretending he wasn’t irritated. Not that pretense would have helped. Annoyance was coming loud and clear through their very intense bond. The closer they got, Jim had noticed, the stronger and more thriving it seemed. But anywhere on the ship, no matter how far apart they were, Jim felt Spock intertwined with him. Almost like they were one. Not quite but damn it was something.   

“Why are you being unreasonable?” Spock asked.

“I’m not. Spock, sweetie, it’s going to be fine. Kalada isn’t supposed to be dangerous and doesn’t even have any sentient life forms. Just supposed to be a bunch of rocks and plants. Which is why I’m bringing D’Amato and Sulu.”

Spock clenched his jaw. “I wish you would take your safety seriously.”

“I do.” He reached for Spock’s hand and tried to show Spock through their bond how much he loved him and would be careful. “I do. I promise. It will be okay.”

“Eat your salad,” Spock said, but he nodded.

****

“Okay, Bones, Sulu, D’Amato? You guys ready?” Jim asked as he stepped into the transporter room.

“Still don’t know why I have to go if it’s just rocks and plants,” Bones mumbled.

“Yeah, you do. Besides, what if Sulu gets a thorn stuck in his thumb or something?”

“You’d be more likely than Sulu,” Bones retorted.

“Hey, that’s not nice.” Jim gestured to the transporter pads. “All right, guys, up you go. I promised my husband this would take three hours tops.”

They all stepped on to the pad and Jim nodded at the ensign manning the controls. “Energize.”

The ensign pushed the controls and just as they activated Jim saw an unfamiliar woman with long dark hair appear in the transporter room and make her way to the ensign, her arms outstretched.

They re-materialized on the planet, a barren rocky surface.

“Jim, did you see that—”

“Captain, a woman—”

“What the hell was—?”

They all talked at once. Jim flipped open his communicator. “Yeah I saw it. Kirk to Enterprise.”

Silence.

“Kirk to Enterprise. Kirk to Spock. Spock!”

“Where’s the ship, Jim?” Bones demanded.

He tried to search the bond but it was distant, a low thrum, there…but silent. Jim exhaled very slowly. “I don’t know. But I think we’re stuck here.” 


	47. That Which Survives

Spock felt the ship shake violently just before the bridge crew was thrown out of their chairs. With a brief glance, he ascertained that no one was seriously hurt so he went to return to the captain’s chair when a wave of dizziness hit him. He swayed.

“Spock, are you all right?” Nyota asked, immediately coming over to him.

His head hurt. “I do not know. Mr. Chekov, report.”

“The ship’s been knocked out of orbit, sir. There is no sign of the planet.”

 _Jim_.

“Spock to Engineering.”

“Scott here. The ship's been thrown nine hundred and ninety light years from our last destination.”

Spock took a moment to master his control. They would get back to Jim. His bondmate was all right. The bond was there—dormant—but there.

“Plot a course, Mr. Chekov. Mr. Evans, warp factor eight.”

“I don’t recommend warp eight,” Scott said. “There’s been warp damage.”

“How long will it take to fix it?”

“I’m not a miracle worker. I’ll get back to you. Scott out.”

“Security to the bridge.”

“Spock here.”

“We found the transporter operator dead, Commander. Looks like signs of an intruder.”

****   

“So, what the hell do we do now, Jim?” Bones demanded as Sulu and D’Amato moved off to explore.

“I don’t know. Do what we came here for?” Jim wanted to scream in frustration. He really did. But he was captain and he couldn’t do that. “I’m sure Spock has to be working to get the ship back to come for us.”

“Whatever happened to the Enterprise, it could take days to get back here to rescue us.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Yes, I know, Bones.”

“We don’t have supplies to survive on this planet for days,” Bones pointed out. “We’re totally unprepared for that. And this planet doesn’t have much in the way of water and food for human consumption.”

“Bones, _I know_. Okay?”

Bones deflated and looked really tired. “Sorry, Jim. Don’t mean to be pissy.”

Jim patted his shoulder and attempted a smile. “I know you don’t. We’ll get out of this.”

“Captain? The woman from the transporter room is here,” D’Amato called from some distance away.

“What the hell?”

Jim and Bones hurried in the direction D’Amato had gone. Sulu joined them just as they rounded a cluster of rocks. The dark haired woman reached out and touched D’Amato. He screamed in pain and collapsed to the ground just as she disappeared.

“Bones,” Jim said as he rushed to D’Amato.

Bones knelt beside him and scanned him with his medical tricorder.  “He’s dead, Jim.”

“Shit. She was on the Enterprise.” God, he hoped Spock was okay. And everyone else. The bond was there, but quiet. Too quiet. His head hurt a little and he felt this ever growing sense of emptiness. This was not good. He needed that connection. Craved it. Where was Spock? He needed Spock. Jim blinked. Shook his head.

“Jim? Jim?” Bones shook him.

He stood and nodded. “Yeah. Yeah. I’m gonna try the Enterprise again.” He opened his communicator.  “Kirk to Enterprise. Come in Enterprise.”

But there was nothing. Not even static. Despair tried to claw at him.

“Jim.” Bones shook him again.

He focused on his friend. “I’m okay.”

“The hell you are. What’s going on?”

He licked his dry lips. “The bond—”

“Is it gone?” Bones asked sharply.

“No. Just…so still. Cold.”

Bones scowled. “This is the kind of thing I was afraid of. If you two can’t function when you’re apart it’s going to be a big issue.”

“We can, Bones. We can.” Jim exhaled very slowly. “I just gotta focus.” He looked up at the darkening sky. “It’s going to be night here soon and I already feel the temperature going way down.”

“That woman,” Sulu spoke up. “She must be responsible for what happened to the ship.”

“That would be my guess,” Jim agreed.

“Wonder if we can heat some rocks for warmth,” Bones said. He aimed his phaser at a group of nearby rocks but nothing happened.

“Oh great. The rocks here aren’t affected by phasers.” Jim shook his head. “Sulu, Bones, let’s get D’Amato buried and then we’ll take shifts on sleeping and keeping watch.”

****

“Spock, are you okay?” Nyota asked him. She was standing next to the captain’s chair. The chair Spock currently sat because their captain was stranded on a planet light years away from the Enterprise’s current position.

“Of course, Lieutenant.”

She sighed. “It’s me. You don’t have to pretend with me. I know you have to be worried—”

“Vulcans do not worry.”

“Concerned then. Is your bond all right?”

If anyone else had asked Spock such a personal question, he probably would have told them to stay out of his business. But this was Nyota and he knew her intentions were good, even if he found the question intrusive even coming from her.

“It is…quiet,” he admitted reluctantly. Jim was alive. He knew that much. Otherwise the bond would have been severed and Spock’s mind would be screaming in agony. He would likely not be functional. But the soothing comfort of Jim in his head, the balance he gave Spock’s mind was not there. It was cold and still and Spock had to force control like he hadn’t in many months.

“Because of the distance?” she asked.

“It is likely.” Spock realized he was gripping the arms of the chair very tightly and he forced himself to relax.

He’d ordered the ship back to the planet Jim and the others had beamed down to as soon as he realized they had been thrust many light years away. They had found the dead ensign who had manned the transporter, too.

They were in route when Mr. Scott had informed him that whoever the intruder was who murdered the ensign and sent them away from the planet had also sabotaged the ship by altering the Emergency Override Bypass.

Mr. Scott was at that moment trying to fix the damage. The ship had increased speed to dangerous warp levels, currently warp thirteen.

Nyota bit her lip. “Do you think we’ll make it? I mean will Scotty be able to fix the Enterprise?”

“There is no one more qualified than Mr. Scott.”

“That’s not exactly an answer.”

Spock nodded. “It is the only one I can currently provide.”

She sighed again. “Do you need anything?”

 _Jim_.

“No, Lieutenant.”

“Scott to the bridge.”

“Spock here.”

“Mr. Spock, I’ve fixed the Override, but now we have another problem.”

“Explain.”

“Fuel's leaking badly. I can’t seem to stop it.” Scotty paused. “If I can’t get it fixed, you’re going to have to jettison the fuel pod I’m working in to save the ship.”

“Understood, Mr. Scott. Continue your efforts. Spock out.”

****

“I’ll take the first shift, Captain,” Sulu announced as they took shelter under a slight overhang of a rock. “You and the doctor should try to get some sleep.”

Jim was fucking freezing. What he needed was his own personal heater, Spock. But of course he didn’t have Spock. Damn it.

“Okay,” he said, scooting closer to Bones. “All right, Bones, don’t take this the wrong way but we totally need to spoon.”

“Normally I’d tell you to get out of my space, but right now I’m cold, so yeah, I guess we gotta snuggle for body heat.” Bones wrapped his arms around Jim and pulled him close with an obvious grimace.

“I won’t take your distaste for this personally,” Jim grumbled.

“I’m a doctor, Jim, not an electric blanket.”

“You certainly make a better doctor than you do a heating element. Jesus. Where’s Spock? He’s so much warmer than you.”

“Spare me the details of the two of you cuddling.”

“You’re a grouch when you’re cold.”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up and go to sleep, would you? I’m gonna have to use brain bleach if we ever get off this rock.”

“Oh, think positive, Bones.” Jim sighed and tried not to let his teeth chatter. “I think I’m gonna get frostbite.”

“It’s not _that_ cold, princess. Be quiet.”

Jim closed his eyes and attempted to go to sleep. He didn’t sleep well under the best of circumstances let alone when he was cold and not with Spock. He’d spent nearly his whole life without Spock and had only had the Vulcan for a short time really, in the scheme of things, yet he totally relied on him now.

Bones had started softly snoring beside him which didn’t help Jim get to sleep at all. How the hell did the man fall asleep so fast anyway? He could completely imagine Bones saying some nonsense about not having a guilty conscience.

They’d get out of this. Jim was sure. They’d gotten out of worse predicaments. Right? Sure they had. Jim had died and yet here he was sitting cuddled up with Bones. This was nothing compared to facing that whack job, Nero. So this woman could kill just by touching. As long as they avoided that—

“Captain!” Sulu yelled. “Captain, help!”

 _Fuck_.

Jim scrambled up from the ground, dislodging and waking the sleeping Bones and he hurried toward Sulu. Bones was right behind him. Jim drew his phaser.

The dark haired woman was in front of Sulu trying to touch him. He was trying to avoid it.

“Stop,” Jim said aiming his phaser at the woman. “Don’t go any closer to him.”

She ignored him and advanced on Sulu again. He fired but nothing happened.

“Oh great!”

Sulu tripped and she reached toward him, but he managed to scoot away just as she reached for him. But her fingers grazed his shoulder and Sulu cried out.

“Bones!” Jim yelled and headed for her so Bones could get to Sulu.

She ran at Jim and touched him with her hands flat on his chest.

“Jim!”

But nothing happened. He didn’t die and he didn’t get burned. Jim frowned. “Wait. Why didn’t that just kill me?”

She stared at him, blinking rapidly, and then she shook her head. “I am here only for Sulu.”

“Only for Sulu?” Jim asked. “So you only come to kill one person at a time?”

“I—”

“What’s your name?”

“Losira. Please, you must allow me to touch Sulu.”

Jim shook his head. “No way.”

She straightened, backed up, and then with a sort of weird flash disappeared.

Jim rushed over to where Bones was treating Sulu. “You okay?”

“It really burns,” Sulu admitted with a hint of wetness in his eyes.

Jim glanced at Bones.

“He’ll be all right. He’s lucky he tripped when she touched him or he would have been dead. There’s heavy damage to his cells in that shoulder.” Bones sighed. “If I could get him on the ship, we could take care of it.”

“Yeah, I wish we could all get on the ship. Take it easy, Sulu.”

Sulu stood up. “I’m fine, Captain. At least I’m alive. Thanks, doc.”

Suddenly Losira appeared before them, her hand outstretched.

“Who are you here for this time?” Jim asked.

“I am here for you, Kirk.”

Bones and Sulu moved in front of Jim, blocking her. She tried several times to get to him but then disappeared again.

“Okay, there has to be a power source around here. She’s not coming from nowhere. Let’s search this big rock here,” Jim said, gesturing toward the large rock formation they’d been resting against.

He started feeling around the surface of the rock. Bones and Sulu did the same thing.

_Jim?_

_Spock!_

The sudden burst of his bond in his head made him almost giddy and he stumbled a little against the rock. He felt relief from Spock and he sent it right back to Spock.

_You are well?_

_Yeah, I’m okay. You? How’s the ship? Where’s the ship?_

_We will be there soon, T’hy’la. The intruder damaged the ship, but Mr. Scott was able to repair it._

_I love Scotty. Not as much as you though._

He felt slight exasperation through the bond and then it went back to thrumming in the background of his mind.

“The ship’s on its way,” Jim told Bones and Sulu.

“Vulcan voo doo?” Bones asked with a smirk.

He rolled his eyes. “Yeah. Keep looking for the power source.”

Losira appeared as he was turning back to the rock.

“Who are you here for?”

She did not answer.

“Losira, who are you here for?” Jim asked again.

She hesitated and then said, “McCoy.”

Sulu and Jim moved in front of Bones but even as they did a second Losira appeared. His heart sank.

“Uh, shit. This can’t be good. Who are you for?”

“Sulu.”

They all shifted places as a third one arrived speaking, “Kirk.”

“Fuck, this is so not good!” Jim traded places with Sulu. “Losira, why do you want to kill us?”

“You are intruders.”

“We’re explorers. We just want to learn about Kalada.”

“You are not wanted here. You are intruders and must die.” The Losiras shifted so that they were directly in front of the one they came for.

 _Damn_.

He, Bones, and Sulu changed spots again. Jim hoped he got it right because he was never good at that find the object under the moving shell game. If he got it wrong, one of them was seriously fucked.

Jim was pretty fucking relieved when Spock and two security officers beamed in right behind the Losiras.

“About damn time,” Bones muttered.

Spock’s eyebrow arched. “It is nice to see you as well, doctor.”

The Losiras disappeared once more.

Jim smiled. “Great job as usual, Commander.”

Spock inclined his head. “Thank you, Captain.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Oh for God’s sake, why don’t you two hug and kiss already? It’s not like everyone doesn’t know.”

“Bones.” Jim flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise.”

“Scott here, Captain.”

“Scotty, beam up Dr. McCoy and Mr. Sulu.”

“Aye, sir.”

Jim turned to Spock and the security officers even as Bones and Sulu beamed out. “Let’s fine the power source for this planet.”

They worked side by side with the bond buzzing happily in Jim’s mind and he couldn’t help but be illogically, no doubt, pleased. But if so, he knew Spock felt the same as he did. That was the whole cool thing about being linked.

“Here, Captain,” one of the security officers called. He had found an indentation in the rock.

Spock stepped up to it and pressed hard and the rock opened to reveal a doorway. The four of them stepped inside the room and Jim immediately saw a very large machine.

“This has got to be it,” he declared.

“Jim, perhaps you shouldn’t touch—”

But he was already pressing a button. And Losira appeared. She was different though. An image.

“If you have found this message then you probably know what has happened on Kalada. I am Losira, the commander of this outpost. In trying to create a colony here we also created a deadly organism which decimated our population. I am the last survivor and will not last much longer myself. I have created a guard in my image to keep others away from here.” She looked suddenly very sad. “Losira out.”

Spock went behind the machine and suddenly Losira disappeared. He came out to stand by Jim. “I do not believe there is anything more for us to do here. Starfleet should be notified to keep future ships away from Kalada. Shall we return to the Enterprise, Captain?”

“Definitely.”

****

Jim found Spock in their quarters a few hours later. He had just finished meditating and was obtaining tea from the replicator.

He yawned and smiled at Spock. “God, I’m exhausted.”

“Do you wish something from the replicator?”

“No, I’m good.” Jim sat on the bed to remove his boots. “I was down in engineering speaking to Scotty.”

“Indeed.”

“He told me something pretty interesting.”

“Did he?”

“Yup.” Jim threw his boots across the room and Spock bent down to pick them up and put them away. “He said he couldn’t fix the fuel leak in time and he begged you to jettison him in the fuel pod so that the ship could be saved. But you refused to do so.” Jim grinned. “I think I’m rubbing off on you.”

“How so?” Spock came to Jim and helped him to remove his command tunic.

“You refused to let Scotty die. You know, sound familiar?”

“You are referring to your refusal to let me die in the Volcano?”

“I sure am.”

“It is not the same. I was certain that Mr. Scott would stop the leak in time. Also, my actions did not violate the prime directive.”

Jim lay down, so he could scoot his pants off his legs. “Are we back to that again?”

“The prime directive—”

“Oh stuff the prime directive.”

Spock yanked his pants off and folded them.

“Face it. I’m rubbing off on you. Why not just admit it?”

“I shall do no such thing.” Spock sniffed.

Jim grinned and sat up, now wearing nothing but his briefs. “You know, speaking of rubbing off. I think it’s time for you and me to be rubbing off on each other. Together. With each other. Whatever!”

Spock looked amused. Well, his version of looking amused, anyway. “Has anyone ever told you that you have a one-track mind?”

“Several someones, actually.” He shrugged. “And I do. I like sex. I love sex. With you I especially love sex. If I could I’d do it with you 24/7.”

The eyebrow went up. “That is highly improbable as well as illogical.”

“I know. So, come on, fuck me already.”

Spock shook his head but began to remove his own clothes.

 

 


	48. Meeting the Counselor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on the next chapter but it is very slow going so not sure when the NEXT update on GB will be after this.

 

Jim didn’t know how long he’d been sitting in the conference room facing Lieutenant Lisa Michaels, the ship’s current counselor, with neither of them saying a word. Probably about five minutes, he’d guess.

”So, Captain.”

“Yes, Lieutenant?”

“May I call you, Jim?” She smiled. ”Just for this sort of circumstances.”

He shrugged. “Sure.”

“And you can call me Lisa.”

“Okay.”

“How do you feel about having to come see me?”

Jim smiled, figuring it was some sort of trap. “I’m aware it’s required as part of our duties as Starfleet officers when we’ve undergone psychologically stressful missions.”

“Yes. But that doesn’t really answer my question as to how you feel about it.”

“My feelings are irrelevant since it is required.”

She smiled. “You’re starting to talk like your partner.”

“Perhaps. And I prefer husband or bondmate.”

“Understood. Dr. McCoy relayed to me your reluctance to undergo the evaluation, so rather than go through a list of official questions I thought perhaps an informal therapy session might be preferable.”

“Whatever you need to do, Lisa.”

“I read the reports on the Vians,” she said.

“Any questions?”

“Actually, yes.” She picked up her PADD and scanned it. “You were tortured twice.”

Jim’s jaw clenched. “That’s what the report says, doesn’t it?”

“Yes,” she said softly. “But I am more interested in what you have to say.”

“I wrote the report, Lieutenant.”

“Lisa.”

“Lisa, I wrote the report, so you already know what I have to say,” Jim said.

“You don’t like to talk about the torture, do you?”

“Would you? I was poked and prodded and stabbed and burned. They beat me and broke bones. It fucking hurt like hell. The woman, Gem, healed me. I was grateful but not happy she had to experience what I did.”

“The Vians asked you to choose between Commander Spock and Dr. McCoy.”

He refrained from sighing. “Correct.”

“What would you have chosen?”

“I didn’t have to make that choice.”

She nodded. “But have you thought about what you would have done if you had to?”

“Is that really necessary information to evaluate my ability to command?”

“Perhaps. Having to choose between your husband and your best friend would have been extremely difficult.”

“No doubt. But I didn’t have to so it’s moot. I’m sure you also read in there I offered myself in place of them. As I would do for any of my crew.”

“You take your duty as captain very seriously.”

“Yes.”

“Who do you speak with when you need to talk about what has happened to you?”

“Spock or Bones.”

“What if you want to talk about them? Or isn’t there ever something you don’t want to talk about with the two you are closest to?”

Jim shrugged. “Then I don’t talk to anyone.”

Lisa smiled. “That’s what I’d like to change.”

“Excuse me?”

“Jim, I think you are fit for command and I intend to state so on the evaluation. I’ve read your reports and the reports from others as well as studied your history. I know you’ve seen counselors before and those haven’t gone well.” She paused. “But I’d like to make our talks a more regular occurrence. You’ve got two years left on your current mission and in all likelihood more missions after that. You’re a very popular figure for Starfleet now and in all honesty I was told to pass you for your evaluation.”

Jim blinked in surprise. “You were?”

“Yeah.”

“I don’t know what to say. Except, well, is that why you’re passing me then?”

She shook her head. “I genuinely think you’re fit for command. But that doesn’t mean I don’t think you need some help. Which is where I come in. I’d like to see you once a week in an informal setting here or your quarters or the mess. Whatever you prefer. We can have coffee, a meal, whatever makes you comfortable. And we’ll talk.”

“And if I say no? Will that change your evaluation?”

“Nope.”

Jim sighed. “We’ll try it. But if there’s anything I don’t want to talk about, you don’t push it.”

“I won’t push it,” Lisa agreed.

“Okay. But not in our quarters. Spock wouldn’t like that. He’s very private.”

“Wherever you want.”

Jim thought about it. “The observation deck.”

****

He found his bondmate in their quarters meditating. Since their official bonding, they’d received quarters suitable for married couples. Spock meditated in a little alcove separated from the rest of their living space.

Jim tried to be as quiet as he could getting his coffee and then sitting behind his desk going over reports on his PADD. They had another new mission from Starfleet, too, so he went over the parameters. Every day he seemed to get more and more reports until it seemed like there were hundreds of them to go through.

He’d prepared himself for the excitement and the missions and the action and even the living and the dying but he’d never realized how much red tape there really was to being a captain. So many reports he had to do to satisfy the Federation. Reports sent to him, reports sent to them. Back and forth. And for each crew member that died, he wrote to their next of kin. It was his least favorite duty because he’d known each and every one of them. He’d made sure to know his crew, their names, and their stories. So each one he lost he felt it. He mourned.

No matter how many died, Jim still felt each one. It wasn’t something to get used to, not for him. Maybe other men and women could, but not him. He knew not to dwell on the realities of it, but he did not accept it. Never would.

And sometimes he would sit, like he was now, and wonder if the decisions he made were the right ones. What he could have done differently with each passing mission. What would the other Kirk have done? The Kirk that Ambassador Spock still missed with every fiber of his Vulcan being. Jim knew he could never measure up to that Kirk and yet he kept forcing himself to try.

It was like his own form of meditation he supposed as he watched Spock rise from the floor the alcove. He snuffed out the incense and came into the main room.

“You are very quiet, Ashayam.”

“Isn’t that the way you want it when you’re meditating?”

“Affirmative, but you seldom manage it.” Spock came to him and leaned down to give him a human kiss. “How did your evaluation go?”

“I’m still sane, apparently.” Jim shrugged. “She cleared me, but wants to make it a regular thing.”

“Indeed. And you are willing?”

“Sort of. I guess. I said I’d see how it goes. I don’t really like talking about things.”

Spock nodded. “I am aware of that.”

“Except with you.”

Spock knelt beside him and took Jim's hands in his. “There are many things you do not speak of with me. Tarsus for one. Even in your mind you block it from me.”

Jim looked down at their entwined hands, not wanting to meet Spock’s gaze. “Some things are best left buried where they belong.”

Spock’s hand reached up to cup his cheek. “You can tell me anything, T’hy’la. Anything.”

Jim smiled. “I know that. Really.” But he decided to change the subject. Tarsus was not something he wanted to think about. “We have a mission. I already notified the bridge to head there. Sounds bad.”

Spock took the PADD Jim offered him and scanned the contents. “A gaseous cloud killing off whole planets?”

“Yeah. Like I said, sounds bad. Admiral Stiles says he wouldn’t trust any other starship to try and stop it.” Jim suppressed a sigh but barely.

“Very well,” Spock said and rose, pulling Jim to his feet. “The bridge?”

“The bridge.”


	49. Mutiny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'll apologize ahead of time and admit I went off in an angsty tangent for this chapter, but I'll fix them.

Jim came over to Spock’s station shortly after they entered the bridge.

“Report.”

“So far the gaseous cloud has been responsible for the destruction of three class m planets.”

“Population?”

“Over one million people lost, Captain.”

Jim grimaced. “Composition?”

“Unknown at present. The cloud attacked the planets rapidly without much time for them to analyze them,” Spock explained.

His bondmate was silent for several minutes as he looked out over the bridge. “How does it kill them, Spock? Does it kill all life forms it comes into contact with or does it disintegrate all in its path?”

“Annihilates all life on the planets.”

“Fuck fuckity fuck.” Jim blew out a breath. His gaze went to Spock, his blue eyes were very intense. “Ideas?”

“At present, no,” Spock admitted. “There has yet to be experimentation on trying to destroy it.”

Jim turned away and went to his captain’s chair, sinking into the seat very slowly. “Mr. Sulu, time until meeting up with the cloud?”

Sulu glanced at him, looking worried. “Less than five minutes, Captain.”

“Four minutes twenty three point two seconds, Captain,” Spock offered.

Jim nodded absently, drumming his fingers on the arms of the chair. “Arm phasers, Mr. Sulu.”

“Arming phasers.”

“Spock, are there any planets currently in the clouds path?”

“None between us and the cloud, Captain.”

Jim hit the comm on his chair. “Have a shuttlecraft ready at my command.”

“Yes, Captain.”

Spock stood and came to stand beside him. He waited for Jim to look at him. “A shuttlecraft, Captain?”

Jim shrugged. “If phasers or photon torpedoes don’t work I’m thinking maybe a shuttlecraft rigged to self-destruct may damage the cloud enough to break it up. Gotta try something, Spock.”

“An unmanned shuttlecraft would be difficult to maneuver into something constantly shifting and changing.”

Jim’s gaze was on the screen before them. “I didn’t say unmanned.”

Spock’s heart beat faster in his side. “Jim, who would you ask to volunteer for such a mission?”

“No one. I’m not asking for volunteers, Spock.”

“Then—”

“I’d pilot the shuttle,” Jim said softly. “Just to the edge of the cloud and then have myself beamed out as it enters the cloud with it set to self-destruct.”

“The chances you would be beamed out of the shuttlecraft in time are—”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t want to hear the odds, Spock. And maybe it won’t even be necessary.”

“I will do it.”

“No, Commander.”

“You are the captain, you cannot risk your life in this manner. Regulations—”

“Do not fucking quote regulations at me right now, Spock. I swear to fucking God. Shut up!”

The bridge got very quiet and Spock straightened stiffly. Rage and irritation flowed hot and volatile between them. Jim was pissed but Spock was suddenly very angry himself.

The gaseous cloud appeared on screen and Jim’s anxiety in the bond spiked very high.

“Sulu, fire phasers into the middle of that thing.”

“Aye, sir.” Sulu fired and the phasers went into the cloud.

“Report?”

“Only a small amount of damage, Captain.”

“Arm photon torpedoes.”

“Armed, Captain.”

“Fire.” The torpedoes shot into the cloud and Jim was already on his feet heading for the turbolift. “And keep firing until I tell you to stop.”

Spock followed after him. “I must protest.”

”Yeah, you already have, Commander.”

“This is a suicide mission.”

“Hopefully not.”

“You are being unreasonable and reckless,” Spock told him.

“And you’re being like this because of who I am to you,” Jim replied, getting off the lift with Spock at his heels. “If I wasn’t your bondmate, if I was just your damn captain, would you really be freaking out like this?”

“Vulcans do not freak out.”

“You _are_ freaking out, Spock. I can fucking feel it. You’re panicking. That bond of yours works both ways.”

“Bond of ours,” Spock corrected automatically as they went into the shuttlecraft bay. “You do not even know if this will work.”

“I have to do something, Spock. I can’t just sit here and let this ship be destroyed and all the people I love be killed without doing something.”  Jim hit the comm. "Stop firing Photons, Mr. Sulu."

Spock stopped him with a hand on his arm. “T’hy’la.”

“I know.”

“I hope you do,” Spock said. “I am sorry.”

Jim frowned. “Sorry?”

Spock neck-pinched him to the ground. He crouched next to Jim and stroked his cheek. “I cherish thee.”

He went and boarded the shuttlecraft.

**** 

Jim woke to a headache and a neck ache and a shielded bond. “You fucking son of a bitch.” Jim buried his head in his hands.

He struggled to his feet and stared at the empty shuttle bay. Clenching his fists he grabbed the nearest crewmember by the collar of his uniform. “Where is Commander Spock?”

“Sir?” The ensign’s eyes bugged out.

Jim released him and forced himself not to take out his rage on the ensign. “Where. Is. Commander. Spock.”

“He got on the shuttle and left the ship, Captain.”

Of course he’d known that the minute he woke up from yet another one of Spock’s fucking neck-pinches. He’d known it when he saw that the shuttle was gone. But still hearing the words hurt like he’d been kicked in the stomach.

“Sir? Are you okay?” the ensign asked.

Jim turned away from him and headed down the corridor with a sort of sick, numb rage. He wanted to kill Spock himself and if the Vulcan actually came back alive Jim just might. How could he have done this? How could he betray Jim like this?

Somehow he made it to the turbolift and back to the bridge. Uhura stood as soon as he stepped on to the bridge. “Jim?”

He shook his head, unable or unwilling to speak. Fists clenched at his sides, he went to stand by the view screen. The shuttle was in view and making its way to the gaseous cloud. He could feel nothing from the bond because his so-called bondmate had shielded him from it. It was like a giant wall had been put up between them.

“Transporter, standby to beam Mr. Spock from the shuttle,” Mr. Sulu said.

The command Jim should be giving. But he was frozen, staring at the shuttle as it got closer to the cloud.

Behind him the turbolift doors opened but he did not turn around. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“What’s going on, Jim?” Bones asked quietly.

“If Spock comes back I want him thrown in the brig.”

Silence. Then, “What?”

“I think you heard me, Bones. He assaulted a superior officer and ignored direct orders.”

“Jim, you can’t throw Spock in the brig because of some marital spat!”

Jim didn’t look away from the screen. “I’m not. This has nothing to do with our bond. Lieutenant Uhura?”

“Captain?”

“Notify security to wait for Commander Spock in the shuttle bay.”

“Sir?”

“I’m not going to repeat my order, Lieutenant” Jim said calmly.

“Jim, this isn’t like you—”

“Do you have business on the bridge, doctor?”

Bones inhaled sharply.

The shuttle entered the cloud and Jim continued to stand there watching as the shuttle exploded.

“We got the commander, Captain.”

“I know,” Jim said, for though the wall in the bond was still up the bond was not severed. The gaseous cloud suddenly winked out.

He turned from the screen and glanced out a the bridge crew. Sulu was smiling. “It worked, sir.”

But Uhura, Chekov and even Bones were eying him with very wide eyes. Jim didn’t say a word, just left the bridge again.

He wasn’t really surprised when Bones came rushing in just as the doors closed.

“What was that about?” Bones demanded.

“I was supposed to be the one in the shuttle.”

“You?”

“Yes. It’s my duty as captain to protect the crew. Spock neck-pinched me and took my place. He went against my orders, Bones. I’m the fucking captain. He can’t just override my orders because he doesn’t like them.”

Bones sighed. “It’s not that simple, Jim. He can’t just stand aside and watch you die. This is Spock we’re talking about. You’re his bondmate.”

“Well, he’s my bondmate too.”

“It’s different for Vulcans. He’s always been protective of you but since you bonded it’s different. I don’t really think he can help himself, Jim.”

Jim shook his head.

“I can’t believe you’re pissed at him for not wanting you to die.”

“I don’t fucking want _him_ to die! God damn it, Bones. He knows how I feel about this.”

Jim got off the turbolift and headed down the corridor.

“Where are you going?” Bones asked.

“Observation.”

****

The locked—or supposed to be locked—door of the observation room Jim preferred swooshed open. Since he used his highest code he knew it could only be a certain half-Vulcan or Bones. But he was fairly certain it wasn’t Bones.

“Aren’t you supposed to be locked up in the brig?” Jim asked but without any heat.

“Dr. McCoy released me.”

“How did he manage that?”

“He relieved you temporarily of command.”

“Grounds?”

“You are emotionally compromised.”

Jim laughed without humor. “Great. Are all the senior officers going to mutiny then?”

“Jim—”

“Should I maroon you on Delta Vega, Spock?”

Spock sat down on the ground next to him. “You would be within your rights to do so.”

“Well, so glad I have your permission.” Jim picked at the hem of his tunic. “Do I need to request you be transferred from the Enterprise?”

Spock stiffened. “Bondmates cannot be separated.”

“Really? You just tried to separate us. Permanently.”

“I did not intend to—”

“And you’re _shielding_. Shutting me out. What is that about?”

“I wished…if I did not come back from the shuttle I thought the severed bond might be easier to handle if it was blocked.”

And the bond was suddenly open again, warm and thrumming in his mind and Spock was pouring love and protection and sorrow through it and Jim did his best to ignore it all.

“You committed mutiny, Spock. You can soften it any way you want it but that’s what it is. I’m the captain and you just completely dismissed my command because you didn’t like my decision. You can’t just do that when you don’t like my orders. You don’t respect my command at all.”

“Jim, that is not true.”

“It is true. You may not have liked what I intended to do but it was my command decision. It was your duty as first officer to follow my orders. You made a fool out of me in front of the crew.”

“Captain—”

Jim shook his head. “Now I have to question if we really are such a great command team. I don’t know what to think because I really thought if anyone would stand by me it would have been you. And I was wrong.”

“I-I see.”

The bond was twisted and thrumming with pain. Jim felt it and, he was sure, added to it. It was painful and heartbreaking and he just wanted to be numb again.

Spock stood stiffly. “May I be dismissed, Captain?”

Jim closed his eyes, swallowing painfully. “Sure, Commander.”

And the door swooshed closed as Spock left him alone.

 


	50. Like Air I Breathe

Jim’s door chimed for the fifth time in a row and for the fifth time in a row, he ignored it. He took a swig from the Scotch bottle he’d gotten from Scotty in engineering. Scotty had handed it over without questions and for that alone Jim decided his chief engineer deserved a commendation.

He clenched his jaw as he heard someone punching in a code and then a fuming Bones was standing in front of him.

“You better have a fucking good reason for being in my fucking quarters,” Jim snarled.

Bones looked at the bottle in Jim’s hand. “Was that full when you started?”

“Yeah, so what?”

“Give me that.”

“Fuck off, Bones. Since I’ve been relieved of command I can fucking drink whatever I want. And how much I want. Go find someone else to annoy.”

“You’re a real idiot, Jim.”

“Oh, really? Both my husband and my best friend mutiny against me and I’m not allowed to be put out?”

Bones snorted. “Oh for God’s sake. Mutiny? You’re a god damn drama queen.”

Jim took another drink. “What do you want?”

Bones sat down, uninvited. “I want you to get your head out of your ass and talk to Spock, of course.”

“I’m not ready for that,” Jim mumbled.

“Jim, I don’t pretend to know what’s in that thick skull of yours this time, and God forbid I have to take his side, but the sun rises and sets on you for Spock and we both know it.”

“I don’t doubt he loves me, Bones.”

“I’m glad to hear that because I’d have to knock some sense into you otherwise.” Bones sighed and took the bottle from Jim and took a drink. He grimaced. “Is this still because Spock didn’t want you to die?”

“It’s more than that. First of all I don’t want him to die either. I can’t even think about it without wanting to vomit. I’m not strong enough to handle that, Bones. Spock thinks I am but he’s wrong.” He touched his head. “This…this bond thing in my head it’s become like air I breathe. I’m completely addicted. I _need_ it.”

“Has it occurred to you it’s the same for Spock? Maybe even more so because he’s a Vulcan and they all love their bonds. Jim, he’s watched you die once. He almost tore Khan apart because of it. And that was before the bond thing in your head.”

“He doesn’t respect me.”

“What the hell are you talking about now?”

Jim sighed. “My command. What is the crew supposed to think when Spock can just dismiss what I say because he has to protect stupid Jim again?”

“So this is about your ego?”

“No, it’s about my crew, including my first officer, respecting my command decisions.”

“You seriously think Spock doesn’t respect you? Spock? Are we talking about the same Vulcan? Jim, he argues with you about your decisions _because_ he respects you enough to give his opinion about those decisions in case maybe there is something you haven’t thought about.”

“He neck-pinched me to—”

“I know what he did. And we both know he did it because he can’t bear to lose you. Are you going to make him lose you anyway?”

Jim’s chest tightened painfully. He swallowed a lump that had formed. “No. No, Bones. I don’t want to be without Spock.”

“Then don’t let this keep going like this, Jim. You haven’t lost the respect of the crew, most of them are in awe of you, and you sure as hell haven’t lost Spock’s. Fix this.”

****

Spock held his hand up to execute the Ta’al for his father as Sarek appeared on the view screen before him.

“Spock, I am gratified to see you. You are well?”

“No, Father.”

“What is it, Spock?”

“I have…I have harmed my bondmate.”

“Clarify.”

“In an effort to ensure his safety and protect him, I erred greatly against him.” Spock paused, his heart twisting painfully in his side. “He believes I do not respect his command.”

Sarek was silent for a moment, and then he said, “It is difficult for Vulcans to be bonded to humans. Even after years spent together sometimes they still do not comprehend our ways.”

“I am too protective of him.”

“As Vulcans we must accept even in youth that we will most likely outlive our human mates,” Sarek said, but paused a moment and Spock very much thought he was thinking of Spock’s mother. “It is worse when they are taken earlier than we are prepared for.”

Spock nodded solemnly. “Jim is reckless and unconcerned with his own safety. It sometimes causes me to be extra protective.”

“I was much the same with your mother.”

Spock looked down at his clenched hands. “And you lost her anyway.”

“There are some things even Vulcans cannot prepare for, Spock.”

“When you lost the bond with Mother…you were not compromised?”

“It has been difficult.”

Spock knew that was likely the only comment he would receive on that topic.

“Spock, you and James have many years left together. I have no doubt of this. And couples, even bonded ones, have disagreements. It is the way of things.” Sarek paused again. “Human bondmates are challenging, Spock, but…worth it.”

“Indeed. Live long and prosper, Father.”

“Live long and prosper, Spock.”

Spock knew he needed to talk to his bondmate but he was due on the bridge right then so it would have to wait. When he exited the turbolift onto the bridge he was momentarily frozen to see Jim sitting in his captain’s chair.

The chair turned and Jim looked at Spock, his expression unreadable. The bond wasn’t really telling Spock anything either. Jim wasn’t exactly shielding but he was doing a good job of keeping his thoughts to himself.

“Commander.”

“Captain.” Spock went to his station, unsettled by the rift between them. But he could not speak with Jim until they were alone.

The bridge was very quiet and normally Spock would have been gratified by that, for he sometimes felt his fellow bridge crew were too talkative, but now it just felt wrong. The tension was thick and unpleasant. Jim kept his head bowed over his PADD and only spoke for orders or status reports.

When the shift ended, Spock waited for his bondmate to rise and go to the turbolift before he joined him. They did not speak and stood on opposite ends of the lift. It pained him.

Jim did not indicate the floor for their quarters, so Spock asked, “Where are you going?”

“I don’t know. Observation?”

Spock stopped the turbolift. “I request we go to our quarters.”

Jim stared at him silently, his expression unreadable, the bond quiet. Spock nearly resented the fact Jim was so good at controlling his part of the bond. It had been unexpected. Finally, almost imperceptibly, Jim nodded.

Spock changed the course of the turbolift.

They did not speak until they reached their quarters but Spock was unable to prevent himself from broadcasting his distress through their bond. As soon as the door to their quarters closed, Jim turned to him, his blue eyes softening.

“Spock.” And then he moved closer to Spock until they were standing close enough to touch. And just as Spock was going to reach out, Jim did. His hand wrapped around the back of Spock’s neck pulling him forward until their foreheads touched.

“Jim, I would know what you are feeling,” Spock whispered.

Jim nodded. Then he exhaled very slowly and closed his eyes. The bond opened wide and Spock felt guilt, sorrow, adoration, anger, shame, and frustration come rushing at him all at once. He wrapped his arms around Jim’s middle and held him close, burying his face in Jim’s neck.

For his part, Jim’s arms came around him, gently stroking his back.

“You wanna talk?” Jim asked.

“Affirmative.”

Spock led him to the bed, pushing him down to sit on it. He sat next to Jim and then pulled him closer, placing Jim’s legs over his lap so they could be very close indeed.

“You know I love you, Spock.”

“Yes.”

“The truth is, you are everything to me. I haven’t said so because I’m not sure I even wanted to admit it out loud but back when the Vians wanted me to choose between you and Bones—”

“Jim—”

Jim grabbed Spock’s hand. “Let me finish. I would always choose you, T’hy’la. Over anyone. No matter who. Myself included. And that’s part of why I was so fucking pissed, because if you had died…I don’t know what I would have done.”

“It is the same for me. I know I am overprotective, Ashayam. And it does interfere with our duties,” Spock admitted. “But there is no one I believe in more than you, Jim. No one I respect as much. I would follow you anywhere. You take risks, though, that scare me. I was wrong to do what I did with the shuttlecraft.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah you were, but I understand it. Spock, I’m the captain of this ship and I have to take risks. For my crew. If I don’t look out for them, who will?” He held up a hand when Spock would speak. “But, I need to let you voice your objections to my plans and decisions and consider what you have to say. I need to stop being so defensive where you’re concerned and if we’re being honest some of that goes back to our early days and I’m still hung up on that.”

Spock ran his thumb over the veins in Jim’s hand. “And I will not disobey your commands again. No matter how illogical or distressing I find them.”

The smile his captain—his bondmate—offered him then was beautiful and sweet. Love and forgiveness warmed their bond and the uneasiness Spock had been feeling dissipated.

“I’m sorry about what I said before, Spock. I _was_ emotionally compromised.”

“We both were. I thought with the time we have been together we were beyond this.”

“We learn together,” Jim said, coming to straddle Spock’s lap. He held Spock’s face in his hands and leaned down to kiss him. “I never want to be without you.”

“Nor I you. I have seen the face of grief without you.”

“Your counterpart?”

Spock nodded. “He attempts to hide it but I see the depths of his despair, his disquiet. I see the wistful way he watches you.”

Jim kissed him again. “I don’t suppose we can live forever.”

“No, I do not believe that is possible, T’hy’la, no matter how we might wish it.”

“Damn.” Jim sighed and pushed Spock to a prone position on the bed. He lay across him and snuggled into Spock. “I hate when we fight.”

“It distresses me as well,” Spock said, wrapping his arms tightly around his mate. “I would be gratified if you did not shut me out from your mind. It comforts me even when we are displeased with each other to have the bond.”

“I keep doing that to you, don’t I?” He sighed against Spock’s neck. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I keep doing it. You’ve told me before it bothers you.”

“You are used to keeping your thoughts and memories to yourself.”

“You don’t need to make excuses for me.” Jim kissed his throat. “I swear, Spock, I’ll try harder to be what you need.”

“You are what I need, Ashayam. I do not wish you to change.”

“I can do better,” Jim insisted.

“As can I,” Spock promised as well. He projected contentment to Jim and was gratified to feel the emotion coming back to him. “Jim?”

“Hmm?”

“I would meld with you.” Spock held out his fingers expectantly.

Jim smiled. “Of course.”

Pleased at his bondmate’s easy acceptance. He rested his fingers on the psi-points and deeply joined their minds with relief.


	51. You Come Here Often?

“You come here often?”

Jim didn’t even look at Lisa as she asked him that question. He just continued gazing out at the stars. She had arrived only a moment before as he stood in the observation room.

“That sounds like pickup line I’ve used myself,” Jim said.

“And that sounds like deflection.”

He rolled his eyes. “I have no reason to deflect that question, Lieutenant.”

“Lisa. Remember we’re just Lisa and Jim talking.”

“You can’t really expect me to buy that bullshit.”

“You’re grumpy today and you still haven’t answered my question.”

“Yeah, I come here often. It helps me to think. I usually come here after every year of the mission passes and I come here after I fight with my husband. I also come here when a mission has gone wrong. I mean so wrong that I can feel and see the blood of my crew soaking my uniform and no matter how many times I wash the blood’s still there.”

“So, you channel Lady Macbeth?”

“Something like that.”

Lisa pulled up a couple of chairs. “Why don’t you sit?”

Jim sat. Only because he felt like he should cooperate that much, anyway. She took the chair next to him and they both continued to stare out at the stars.

“Did you always want to be a starship captain?”

“No I spent years just trying to make it out alive.”

“From where?”

“Iowa. Tarsus. Life. You name it.”

“Even with who your dad was you didn’t consider it?”

“He’s the reason I didn’t consider it. It’s hard to live up to a legend who sacrificed himself for the greater good.”

“And yet isn’t that exactly what you did?”

Jim shrugged. “That was just bad luck.”

“When did you decide a starship command was what you wanted?”

“I don’t know. I guess I sort of thought of it in the back of my head as a kid. But I didn’t really think about it until Pike talked me into joining Starfleet. If I was going to join, I was going to be a leader. That’s just the way it had to be. I don’t like following orders. Most of them are bullshit.”

“Are your commands bullshit?”

He laughed. “I don’t know. You tell me.”

She smiled. “This isn’t about what I think of you. It’s what you think of you.”

“Yeah? Okay. I think I’m the best fucking captain that ever lived. Happy?”

“You don’t like talking to counselors.” Lisa nodded. “I get that.”

“None of them have ever helped. All the talking and the rehashing? It’s still here in my head, in spite of it.”

“What’s your worst memory?”

“My worst memory?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, I don’t know. You pick. Was it dying? Was it surviving Tarsus? Was it being told Spock was dead when his shuttle blew up? Was it when Pike died? Was it having another Spock rape my mind? I mean, what the fuck does it matter? It’s not like I make a list of how they fucking compare to each other.”

“It makes you angry.”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake.” He clenched his jaw. “Look, Lisa, I know you mean well. Really. And maybe you even think you can help me. But I’m fine. I’ve gotten this far, haven’t I? And even you admitted I was relatively sane. Talking about Pike dying or my dying or Spock being with Uhura while I loved him so desperately I couldn’t breathe, none of that fucking changes _anything_.”

Lisa didn’t say anything for several moments so they sat there in silence and Jim wondered if she would decide to change his psych evaluation after all.

“Feel better?” she asked.

He huffed a laugh. “Not really.”

“You want to talk about anything else today or do you think we’re done?”

“I’d like to be done, actually. I’ve got work up to my eyeballs.”

“You don’t delegate much do you?”

Jim shrugged. “I give some reports to Spock to do.”

“Not many, I bet.”

“He has a lot of his own duties to handle. Science duties as well as first officer. I don’t think he should be any more overwhelmed than I am just because he’s Vulcan and doesn’t complain.”

“How about some of your other officers? It may be hard for you, Jim, but at least consider it. I think you need to manage your stress better than you have been. Your vitals are all over the place according to Dr. McCoy.”

He narrowed his eyes. “Isn’t that private?”

She smiled. “We’re both your treating doctors.”

Jim rubbed his eyes wearily. “Not sure I have the energy to argue with you.”

“Okay, I’ll let you go for now, but first here’s my advice. You need some activities to wind down. Workout in the gym. Have Mr. Spock show you meditation. Spend an hour a day reading for pleasure. One of those or all of those. Okay, Captain?”

“I’ll see what I can do, Lieutenant.”

She got up and left Jim alone in the observation room. He didn’t know how long he was there before suddenly Bones was sitting next to him.

“Speak of the devil,” Jim said with a smirk.

“Who Spock?”

Jim laughed. “No, you asshole. You.”

Bones grinned. “Yeah, what were you saying about me? How dashingly handsome I am?’

“Oh brother. Have you been drinking?”

His friend shoved his shoulder. “Come on. You can’t admit I’m cute?”

“Hell no. You’re like my brother. My ugly older brother.”

“Thanks.”

Jim nudged him with his shoulder. “What’s up?”

“I guess I thought I maybe should apologize.”

“Sounds like it’s kind of hard for you to get those words out, Bones.”

“Yeah, well, you know I’m never wrong.”

“What did you do?”

Bones sighed. “I shouldn’t have relieved you of command. And I shouldn’t have let the hobgoblin out of the brig. At least not without talking to you about it. Sometimes I let our friendship get in the way of the fact you’re also my commanding officer.”

Jim smiled. “Sometimes I let you.”

“I know. But that wasn’t right of me. I didn’t need to make things worse for you by seeming to take Spock’s side. I just…you’re my friends and I hate to see you at odds. It’s weird.”

“Did you just admit Spock is your friend?”

Bones scowled. “Yes, damn it. You don’t have to gloat either.”

“Okay, I admit it. You’re cute. But I swear if you ever tell anyone I said so I’ll have _you_ thrown in the brig.”

Bones smiled. “Hiding in here?”

“I just had my session with your counselor. She’s a pain in the ass by the way.”

“You two ought to get along swell then.”

“Ha ha. You’re funny today, Bones. Hey, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

“Yeah?”

“How is it going with your wife, Natira?”

His friend shrugged. “To be honest it’s been a while since we talked. She’s been busy getting her people settled.”

“Hmm. You think it’s going to work out between you two?” Jim wondered.

“Not really sure. When you think you’re dying things are a little different. And we don’t really know each other, not really. We find each other attractive and we like each other. But the distance? I don’t, Jim. We’ve both kind of agreed that if we meet someone else we’re interested in…well, we won’t stop the other from being happy.”

Jim nodded. ”That makes sense. That’s very forward thinking of you, Bones.”

Bones tapped his head. “It’s not just beauty, I have brains too.”

He rolled his eyes. “You’re too much.”

“What’s our next mission?”

“I don’t know. I have the message from Starfleet. That’s number one on my to do list once I get off my ass.”

“I guess I can’t hope for a nice, calm mission.”

“You can hope, of course.” Jim felt Spock probing their bond.

_Observation room._

_Ah._

“Spock’s coming to find me.”

Bones grimaced. “You two and that Vulcan Voodoo. It’s kind of creepy.”

“You just wish you had a mind link to someone.”

“Hey, wanna mess with Spock?”

He laughed. “Mess with him how?”

“We could be holding hands when he walks in or something.”

“Are you sure you haven’t been drinking? Spock knows there’s nothing between us. And besides, do you really want to incur his wrath?”

Bones snorted. “Okay, so maybe you have a point.” He stood and squeezed his shoulder. “This was nice. We haven’t just sat and talked for a while.”

“It was nice. Thanks, Bones.”

“See you, kid.”

Jim rose too and was waiting for Spock when he arrived. They touched fingers in a Vulcan kiss. “Hey, you wanna teach me some meditation?”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “You want to meditate, T’hy’la?”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t know. Maybe. If it doesn’t work out you can fuck me instead.”

He was pretty sure Spock wanted to roll his eyes and barely suppressed it. “As you wish.”     


	52. I, Mudd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was always one of my favorite episodes and I am not even sure why! ha! Anyway, I added some things that weren't there in the original, too.

“What the hell happened?” Bones demanded in a near shout—okay, maybe it was a full on shout—when Sulu helped him off the transporter pad.

Sulu, arms wrapped tight around Jim, said, “Well, there was this plant, and the captain got in front of it just as it shot out these spore things and—”

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Bones interrupted. He jabbed Jim’s neck with a hypospray.

“Thon’t fell Thpock.”

“Jim, even if Spock didn’t have that Vulcan Voodoo thing going on with you, trust me he already knows.”

“Grrr,” Jim said as Bones took him from Sulu. He stopped near the crew member manning the transporter functions. “Fho is fe?”

“Jim, shut up and come with me to medbay.”

“No, thwait.” He narrowed his gaze at the man. He made a habit of knowing his crew members. He’d never seen this guy before. “Thensin, fho are stew?”

The man frowned and looked helplessly at Bones. “I don’t understand him.”

“Come on, Jim.” Bones started dragging him from the room.

“Bones!”

But he was pulled out of the transporter room and taken down the corridor toward the turbolift. By the time they made it to medbay, Spock was waiting.

He stood stiffly just inside the door, his arms clasped behind him. His expression dark and ominous. Okay, well, that part maybe not. He was still Vulcan so his expression gave nothing away as usual. But his eyes…they were dark and stormy. Or something.

Hell, was he delirious?

“Thpock!”

An eyebrow went up and Jim knew that meant he was in trouble.

“What exactly happened, doctor?”

“Thpock, I cran thtell stew.”

“I would advise you to keep quiet, Captain,” Spock said coolly. He turned his attention back to Bones.

“Sulu says the idiot jumped in front of a shooting plant.” Bones scowled and dragged him to a biobed. “Lay down there, Jim, and shut up.”

Jim saw the slight narrowing of Spock’s eyes and he swallowed. Or attempted to anyway. Damn his throat hurt.

“Thpock, stew thad?”

“Affirmative,” Spock said. “Doctor, I suggest you keep the captain in medbay where he can stay out of trouble.”

“Thwait, I’m fill the faptain.”

“Yes, we are aware you are the ‘ _faptain_ ’.” Spock rolled his eyes. Jim would swear to it. “Doctor, keep me posted on his condition.”

“Yeah, yeah. Stick me with him when he’s like this. Thanks a lot, Spock.” Bones pushed him down when he tried to sit up.

“Perhaps something to make him sleep would be advisable.”

“Thwait, Thpock, no!”

But Spock was already leaving him in medbay and Bones was already coming at him with another hypospray. He felt the sting on the needle and then nothing.

****

Spock carefully watched his captain as he showed the first signs of waking up. He’d been out for hours, thanks to Dr. McCoy’s hyposprays. So long Spock had begun to worry. He’d probed their bond, making sure there was nothing seriously wrong with his bondmate. Nothing seemed to be out of the ordinary.

“Is he vaking up?” Mr. Chekov asked from nearby. The young ensign had been pacing since their arrival, shooting worried glances their captain’s way.

“Affirmative, Ensign.”

Spock laid his hand on Jim’s face, not exactly on his psi-points, but close. His closed lids fluttered a little and then his lashes rose to reveal the blue, unfocused and confused.

“Spock?” Jim rasped, licking his lips.

Spock was gratified the effects of the plant’s spores seemed to be gone. “Yes, Captain.”

Jim frowned, glancing from Spock’s face to the area around them. “This doesn’t look like our quarters.”

“It is not.”

“Nor does it look like medbay.”

Spock shook his head. “It is not. The Enterprise was hijacked.” He helped Jim to sit up from the small bed he had been lying on.

“What the fuck?” Jim looked around to their companions. Besides Chekov there was Nyota, Mr. Sulu, Mr. Scott, and Dr. McCoy. The doctor came immediately to Jim’s side to scan him.

“How do you feel, Jim?”

“Like I’ve been run over, Bones. What the hell is going on? Where are we?”

“We were hijacked by a crew member who closed off engineering and brought us to this planet, Captain,” Spock told him.

“That guy from the transporter room?”

“Yeah,” McCoy said. “How did you know?”

“Because I didn’t know him. Fuck me. What kind of fucking security breach have we got that some asshole can just take over my ship?”

“There is more, Captain. The crew member is an android called Norman and—”

The doors opened to the room they were being kept in and the man Spock was about to tell Jim about strode into the room with cocky bravado. Jim stiffened beside him.

“Harry? Harry Mudd!” Jim practically growled.

“Captain.” Mudd bowed with a flourish. “I see you have finally awakened. I thought your first officer was going to rip me apart when I said you had to be moved off your ship.”

“Harry, I swear to God. I’m the one who is going to rip you apart,” Jim said, rising, but he swayed a little and Spock tugged him gently back to the bed.

“I wouldn’t advise it, Kirk. I have a rather large group of androids at my disposal and they are very capable of controlling the riff-raff.”

“Your disposal?” Jim demanded.

Mudd smiled. “See, what happened was I crash landed on this planet shortly after our last encounter. I was injured but my android friends saved me and took me in. They’re at my beck and call. Give me anything and everything I want. Sometimes without my even knowing I want it. And the female androids.” Mudd smirked. “They are programmed to be fully functional in pleasuring men.”

Spock straightened. “He does not need their services.”

Jim patted his hand. “No, I definitely do not. So, what, Harry? You brought us here?”

“Not me,” Mudd said. “It was Norman. He has something planned that he won’t tell me about. Now I do admit I told him about you and your ship. I think he brought you here so that I could have human companions.”

“So are you in charge here or not?”

Mudd shrugged. “In a way, but the thing of it is, Kirk, they’ll do anything I say, anything I want, except for one thing.”

“Vhat is that?” Chekov asked.

“They won’t let me leave,” Mudd wailed. “They tell me I must remain here forever. They’ve even built an android of my wife, only this one doesn’t nag me the way the real one did.”

“Oh brother,” Nyota said, folding her arms across her chest.

“Furthermore,” Mudd continued as though she hadn’t spoken, “I don’t think they’ll let you leave either.”

Anger radiated off Jim and through their bond. “Wanna bet? I’m not staying here as some android’s plaything.”

“I don’t believe you’re going to have a choice, Captain.”

As if on cue, the door to the room opened again and the android known as Norman, who had previously been introduced to them before Jim awoke, stepped in followed by two identical brunette and beautiful android women.

“You!” Jim seethed next to Spock.

“You have awakened from your illness, Captain Kirk,” Norman said. “This is good to see. As your crew already knows, I am Norman. We were created to serve by a race of humanoids from the Andromeda Galaxy, however, they were destroyed by a supernova many years ago leaving us behind to colonize this planet.”

“I see. And what gives you the right to hijack my ship?” Jim demanded.  

 “We intend to serve humans. It is clear from our study of Harry Mudd that you are incapable of caring for yourselves. Captain, if you are hungry, we will bring you a feast. If you are thirsty we will bring you any beverage you desire. We even have Romulan ale.”

“What I want is my ship back,” Jim retorted.

“I will give you anything you desire, except that, Captain,” Norman told him. “All female and male androids are programmed to give you optimal pleasure.” He glanced at the group. “All of you.”

“I already have a mate.”

Norman looked to Spock. “Mr. Spock. The two of you may engage in pleasurable activities with the androids together if you wish.”

“We do not wish,” Spock said coolly.

“Whatever is your desire. We are here to serve you.”

“If you are here to serve us, then what we want is our ship,” Jim said.

“As I have said, that is the one thing we cannot do. We intend to use your ship for our own purposes. Even now we are having the rest of your crew beamed down to our planet where they may live for the rest of their lives in paradise.”

“You—what?”

“If you will excuse us,” Norman said, turning to Mudd. “We would like to speak with you, Harry.”

When the androids had left with Mudd, Spock turned to his captain. “Captain, I have been able to determine that there are over 200,000 androids on this planet.”

“Holy shit, that many?”

“Affirmative. Most of them have been replicated numerous times. For example on the two female androids that accompanied Norman a moment ago there numbers were 13 and 250. So far since we have arrived here the only lone android I have seen is Norman.”

Jim frowned. “You found all this out while I was unconscious?”

“You were out for twelve point three hours.”

Jim glared at McCoy.

“Hey, don’t look at me, Jim. Some of it was my hypospray but some of it was that plant’s spores. You’re the idiot who had to jump in front of it,” Bones grumbled.

“What are we going to do, Captain?” Nyota asked.

“That’s a good question. What does everyone think?”

“I think ve are in big trouble,” Chekov offered.

“Helpful.”

“I agree with the laddie,” Scott said.

Jim rolled his eyes. “Bones?”

“Well, Jim, I know you don’t want to hear this, but I have to agree with Chekov and Scotty. We are in trouble.”

Their captain sighed and turned to Spock. “Well? And I swear to God, if you say we’re in trouble—”

“We are indeed in trouble,” Spock said.

“Spock—”

“However, it would seem that there is the possibility that all of the androids are controlled by one source, one computer brain, if you will. If we can somehow overload that brain perhaps we will be able to take control of them and get the ship back.”

“At least you have some theory beyond we’re in trouble.”

At that moment the doors to the room opened again and androids tossed Mudd back into the room.

Jim narrowed his eyes at Mudd. “Back so soon?”

Mudd shrugged. “Well, they didn’t take kindly to my actions.”

“What did you do, Harry?”

“I may have—just may have, mind you—boarded the Enterprise and tried to abscond with it.”

Jim was moving toward Mudd before Spock could stop him, fury evident in the bond and in every tight muscle of his bondmate’s body. “You tried to take my ship?”

“Take it easy, Kirk.” Mudd backed up. “I wasn’t successful.”

“Captain.” Spock stopped him with a hand on his arm just as that arm started to swing toward Mudd. “Resorting to violence, however warranted, against Mr. Mudd is not the best course of action.”

“Just one punch, Spock. He’s been asking for it since I met him.”

“I realize that, but, no. You must control yourself. Violence toward Mudd will not get us out of our predicament.”

Jim’s jaw was clenched tight and for a moment Spock suspected Jim would ignore him and hit Mudd anyway. Spock projected calm through the bond and little by little Jim relaxed.

“Stay away from my ship, Harry.”

Mudd came forward and had the audacity to pat Jim’s shoulder. “See, we can discuss this rationally.”

Spock removed Mudd’s hand from Jim and he put himself between Mudd and his captain. “You will not touch him.”

“It was just a friendly pat—”

“You will not put your hand on him again,” Spock said coolly, staring hard at Mudd.

“All right, all right. You two sure are touchy.” Mudd backed up again. “I did overhear what they intend to do, _if_ anyone is interested.”

“Of course we’re interested,” Jim said.

“As already indicated, it is Norman’s intention to leave you and your entire crew on this planet with enough androids left behind to accommodate your every whim.” Mudd shrugged. “A sort of paradise with androids to be your servants for the rest of your lives.”

“And?”

“Norman intends to take your ship and conquer Earth with his band of robots. He believes humans are incapable of taking care of themselves—”

“The thought does have some merit.”

Jim glared at Spock. “Spock!”

“So, they will conquer and rule Earth and take care of the population as they see fit.”

“They think they can just take on Earth just like that?”

“They believe with their superior intelligence it will not be a difficult problem,” Mudd explained with a shrug.

“Captain,” Spock said to Jim. “I believe it is likely Norman who is the main brain. He may be, however, difficult at first to attack directly. If we can affect the other androids, it may affect Norman.”

“All right it’s the only plan we have.” Jim looked at Harry. “And you’re going to help us.”

Mudd nodded. “I don’t want to be stuck here anymore than you do, Kirk. I’m in.”

****

Spock approached two beautiful brunette androids named Alice.

“There is something you require?” one of the Alice androids asked.

“I wish to tell you that I love you,” he said to the Alice on the left. Then he turned to the Alice on the right. “I hate you, however.”

The Alice on the right tilted her head. “But we are identical.”

“Yes. Which is why I hate you.”

They both stared at him in confusion until they suddenly shorted out.

Spock arched a brow. “Fascinating.”

By the time Spock met up with Jim and the others, he had managed to cause several groups of androids to cease working.

“Now, need to take care of Norman,” Jim advised. “We’ve been working on the others. But he’s the key. Let’s go.”

They found Norman after an hour of searching.

“What is it you need?” Norman asked.

“We wanted to talk to you, Norman,” Jim said. By his side was Harry Mudd, though Spock made sure to keep an eye on Mudd.

“Norman, old boy,” Mudd said, clapping the android on the back. “I should tell you that we are planning on overthrowing you.”

“Don’t listen to him, Norman,” Jim said. “Everything Mudd says is a lie.”

Mudd grinned. “That’s right, Norman. I am a liar.”

Norma looked to Jim. “If, as you say, everything he says is a lie—”

“Oh, it is.”

“Then, when he says he is a liar, that must also be a lie, therefore he must be telling the truth. But then he cannot be telling the truth because everything he says is a lie.”

“True,” Mudd said.

“That is not logical,” Norman insisted. He turned to Spock. “Explain this.”

Spock shrugged. “Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad.”

Norman stared at Spock and then turned back to Mudd and Jim. ”It does not compute. He can’t be a liar and always lie.”

“But I am.”

“He’s lying.”

Spock saw that steam had begun to come out of Norman’s ears as he continued to try to analyze the paradox. Even as he did so other androids that had been around them short-circuited.

Finally with a strange squealing noise, Norman stopped.

“Okay, let’s get off this damn planet.”

****

“So, Captain,” Nyota said, once they were all back on the bridge. She came to stand next to Jim’s chair where Spock had already placed himself.

“Lieutenant?”

“What did you do with Harry Mudd?”

Jim shrugged. “I gave him a choice. He could stay on that planet or be brought to a Starbase to face his crimes.”

“An easy choice, I would say,” Sulu commented.

Jim smiled. “You would think so. At first, I’m pretty sure Harry thought so, too.”

“At first?” Nyota asked.

Spock cleared his throat. “The captain found that there were several androids there made to look like Mudd’s wife. He reprogrammed them.”

“ _You_ reprogrammed them?” McCoy asked from the other side of Jim’s chair. “This I gotta hear. What did you do, Jim?”

“I merely gave him the wife he was used to.”

“The wife he was used to?” the doctor repeated.

“Wait,” Sulu said, grinning. “Mudd mentioned the android they had built for him didn’t nag him like his real wife. Captain, you didn’t.”

Spock nodded. “He did.”

“Twelve hundred copies of Harry’s wife nagging him.” Jim grinned. “Those programming skills I learned definitely come in handy.”

“Oh my God,” Nyota exclaimed, laughing. “I bet he wants to go to the Starbase now.”

“He does.”

Nyota shook her head and went back to her station and the others turned around.

“Mr. Sulu, take us out of orbit, warp factor three.”

“Aye, Captain.”


	53. Fourth Year Anniversary

“I had anticipated finding you here,” Spock said as he came to stand beside Jim.

Jim smiled as he looked out at the stars. Billions of them. “Where else would I be on the fourth anniversary of our five year mission?”

“Exactly. It is your pattern.”

“One year left, Spock.”

“Affirmative.”

He reached for Spock’s hand and Spock closed his fingers around Jim’s palm. “What do you think will happen when the mission is over?”

“Vulcans do not speculate.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Try not to be a pain in the ass.”

“If this morning’s activities caused you—”

“Spock!” He laughed. “I really do love you. I order you to speculate.”

Spock sniffed. “If I was to engage in such an illogical pastime, I would suggest that it is likely they will give you another five year mission.”

Jim grinned. “That’s what I am hoping for.”

“They may wish to promote you though. You said yourself Admiral Stiles has brought up the possibility.”

  “Yeah, he has. Well, I hope it isn’t that soon. I’m not ready to have a HQ job.” Jim squeezed Spock’s fingers. “We may not have all of the same crew if we get another mission.”

“It is likely we will not,” Spock agreed.

“Well as long as I have you and Bones, I guess I can handle anything else.”

“You will always have me, T’hy’la. I will follow you anywhere.”

“I know. And that’s why you’re full of awesome.”

“You do have some peculiar colloquialisms.”

“I know, but you love me.”

“I cherish thee.” Spock released Jim’s hand. “Nyota sent me to fetch you for the celebration in the mess. Everyone is waiting for their captain.”

“Okay. Shall we, Commander?”

When they arrived in the mess room, Uhura immediately ushered them to the head of a long table that had been set up. Bones was already seated nearby and was pouring a glass of bourbon for Jim.

“You want something, Spock?” Bones asked.

“No, doctor. I will obtain my usual tea.”

“That’s not very festive.”

“Nevertheless it is my preferred beverage.”

Jim smiled. “You sit, Spock. I’ll get it for you.”

He returned with the tea and set it before his bondmate. God, he loved the sound of that. He smiled down at the end of the table where three years before Spock had been sitting with his girlfriend, Uhura. Only now he sat next to Jim.

Bones was watching him. “What are you smiling at?”

“Just thinking about the last four years.”

“Humans do have a peculiar fondness for reminiscing,” Spock said.

“That’s kind of the point of an anniversary, Spock,” Bones said, taking a large gulp of his bourbon.

“Yes, which is why it is completely illogical.”

“Yet here you are, sitting with the rest of us illogical creatures.”

“Indeed,” Spock acknowledged. “The captain requires all senior officers to attend.”

Jim smiled. “That  _is_  true.”

“Sure, take the hobgoblin’s side.”

“Bones.”

Bones rolled his eyes. “Take Spock’s side.”

“Kind of goes with the whole bondmate thing,” Jim said with a shrug.

Bones scowled. “How did I get sat at this end of the table anyway?”

Jim laughed. “Come on, Bones. You love us and you know it. Why don’t you do that peculiar thing Spock was just speaking of and reminisce?”

“What should I reminisce about, Jim? How many times over the last four years you’ve ended up in medbay almost dying? And if I add in all the times you’ve had minor injuries it’s even more.”

Jim felt Spock’s annoyance through the bond immediately. He cleared his throat. “Uh, maybe that wouldn’t be wise.”

Bones pointed at Spock. “Him, too. The two of you have the highest amount of injuries requiring treatment in medbay.”

“Well, yeah, but if you think about it, it’s only logical considering I’m the captain and he’s the first officer. And science officer. One or both of us always goes on any landing party.”

“What did you just say?” Bones demanded.

“I said one or both of us—”

“Not that. The first part. It’s only  _logical_? Logical! Just because you two are married or whatever doesn’t mean you gotta sound like each other. If Spock starts saying things like, wow, I’m awesome, I swear I’m done.”

Spock arched a brow. “I am awesome.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake.” Bones rose and snatched up his drink. “I’m gonna go talk to Scotty.”

Jim laughed as he watched his friend walk away. “That was fun.”

Uhura took Bones’ place just a moment later. “What are you two up to? Why is Leonard frowning while you two look too pleased with yourselves?”

Jim picked up his own glass of bourbon that Bones had poured for him. “Bones is always grumpy. You should know that by now.” He stood up, squeezed Spock’s shoulder. “I’m gonna get something to eat. You want anything?”

“Not at present,” Spock said.

“You?” he asked Uhura.

“Chicken sandwich. Thanks.”

Spock watched Jim walk away, then turned back to Nyota.

She was watching Spock. “Do I still make him uncomfortable?”

“Jim?”

She laughed. “Who else? Maybe it’s my imagination, but he always seems to find an excuse to leave when I show up.”

“I am certain that he does not feel uncomfortable around you, Nyota.”

“I don’t know, Spock. You aren’t always a good judge of what makes people uncomfortable.” She sighed. “It’s been years since we’ve been together. You’d think he’d get over it.”

“I am not eager to come across his previous paramours,” Spock admitted. “When the captain was engaging in coitus with Gary Mitchell, I was not pleased.”

“I remember. We were still together then.” She smiled. “You wouldn’t stop obsessing over Kirk involving himself with Mitchell. Should have realized then your interest in him was more than as his best friend.” She shook her head. “Even before that.”

Spock arched his brow.

“Well, there was Khan.” She ticked her index finger. “There was the jealousy you always felt over him spending time with the other you.”

“I was not jealous of my counterpart.”

She ticked off another finger. “Oh and you disliked Carol Marcus because you were certain she was using her feminine wiles on him.”

“I did not use the term feminine wiles. She was on board the Enterprise under false documentation.”

Nyota rolled her eyes. “Then there was Nibiru. Jim had intended to be the one going into the volcano but you argued with him until he gave in and let you do it.”

“I was the logical choice to go into a volcano due to the heat—”

“Oh, it had nothing at all to do with you just couldn’t have your precious captain in danger?”

Spock closed his mouth. “It has always been my duty to see that he does not needlessly endanger his life.”

“The point is, Spock, the evidence for your feelings for Jim has been in front of my face for a long time and I ignored them.” She shrugged. “I’m sure I could come up with other examples. But what would be the point? At least you didn’t cry out his name.”

Spock frowned. “Cry out his name?”

She smirked. “During sex.”

“Nyota—”

“And here’s your chicken sandwich,” Jim said from directly behind Spock. He plopped the plate down in front of Nyota who looked away in obvious embarrassment. He put a plate of salad in front of his own.

“Thanks, Captain.”

Jim looked serene, but Spock and Nyota both knew he had overheard that last part. “You’re welcome, Lieutenant.”

“I forgot to tell Sulu something,” Nyota said, scrambling up from her chair and going down to the other part of the table. Her chicken sandwich lay untouched.

Jim sat next to him and stroked his fingers over the inside of Spock’s wrist. “Something I said?”

“More like something she said.”

“Hmm, that’s what she gets for talking about someone behind their back.”

“How much did you overhear?”

“Well, just the part about you crying out my name during sex.”

“I did not.” Spock sniffed.

“And by the way, having to think about you and sex with her—”

“Jim.”

“All right, all right. But, I’m pretty sure you do.”

“Do what?”

Jim winked. “Cry my name out during sex.”

Spock restrained a sigh. ”You are an extremely frustrating human.”

“Why don’t we go and have some right now so we can find out if I’m right?”

“You have not finished your salad.”

Jim leaned close. “I don’t know, Spock. Salad…or you pounding into me until I am breathless and unable to do anything but moan  _Spock_  over and over again while I clench around—”

Spock stood and pulled Jim up with him. He blinked when the crew at the table all stared at them rather in shock. Spock cleared his throat. “We have an urgent matter to attend to in our quarters.”

“Quite urgent,” Jim added unhelpfully.

Spock sent impatience at Jim. “If you will excuse us.”

“Sure.” Dr. McCoy smirked. “Go take care of that urgent…thing.”

Spock was tempted to throttle his mate when he choked back a laugh. But he said nothing until they reached their quarters. Then as soon as the door opened, he flung Jim against the wall and trapped Jim with his hands on either side of his head.

“They all know we intend to engage in coitus.”

“Yeah, so?”

He moved his lips to just within inches of Jim’s. “This does not bother you?”

Jim shrugged. “Nah, why should it? Once when I was in this bar in Chicago this Andorian woman and I started doing it on a table and—”

Spock shut him up by kissing him hard. “Do. Not. Speak. Of. Your. Sexual. Conquests. Again,” he said through gritted teeth.

Jim’s tongue darted out to wet his lips. “Okay. Sorry.”

“You are trying to provoke me.”

Jim smiled. “Maybe. I like it when you get all aggressive on me. Reminds me of Pon Farr.”

“You did not fear for your safety during Pon Farr?”

“Nah, not really. I know you wouldn’t hurt me. Not really. Can we have this conversation after you come inside me, though? You’re so fucking hot right now, I can’t stand it.”

Spock growled and kissed his mate again. Somehow they both got Jims clothes off, and Spock was pretty sure he heard tearing of material, and he was also pretty sure he didn’t care about it at all. Next they got rid of Spock’s and when Jim went to reach for the lubricant, Spock growled again and swatted his hand away and told him to stay where he was against the wall.

That tongue came out again to lick Jim’s too tempting lips and this time as Spock hiked Jim’s legs up around his waist, Spock sucked that tongue right inside his own mouth until Jim whimpered.

He prepared Jim with the slick lubricant and pushed inside him in one long, hard thrust. Jim clung to him as Spock slammed into him again and again. Spock’s fingers found Jim’s meld points.

“Yes, please, yes,” Jim begged.

Spock joined their minds with their bodies, the way they both had come to like sex. Joined in every way, connected. He found Jim’s pleasure points in his mind.

“Spock, Spock,” Jim breathed. And then Jim was clenching around him, cum splattering against Spock’s stomach from Jim’s cock. Then Jim went searching through Spock’s mind until he found Spock’s pleasure points.

“Jim,” Spock groaned as he pulsed inside his mate, emptying into him.

Gasping, still joined in every way, they slid to the floor of their quarters.

“Happy Fucking Anniversary.”

“I do not believe this is an anniversary of our first copulation.”

Jim laughed, as Spock had intended, and the bright laughter and happiness sent wave after wave of contentment through their bond, and Spock cherished it. 

 


	54. No Trouble Here

“You’re going to need to wear a beanie or something,” Jim declared with a smile as he reached up to run a fingertip over one of Spock’s pointy ears.

Up went Spock’s eyebrow. “A beanie?”

“Yeah, you know, a little hat. Cover up the tips of those distinctive ears.”

“I am aware of what a beanie is, Captain,” Spock said in his snootiest voice. “I merely find it questionable that I should be expected to wear one.”

Jim sighed. “This planet is similar in a lot of ways to an earlier time in Earth. They don’t know what Vulcans are, Spock. Or anyone really who doesn’t look completely human.”

“Obviously this planet leaves much to be desired.”

Jim’s lips twitched. “Obviously. Look, I understand you are affronted—”

“Captain, Vulcans do not get affronted.”

He knew otherwise having lived with the Vulcan in front of him for some time now, but Jim merely smiled. “Of course they don’t.”

“We also do not appreciate being patronized.”

“Gack, you’re as grumpy as Bones today. I know it isn’t due to lack of sex.” He grinned.

“Captain.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “I know. Since this particular mission bothers you so much—”

“I am not bothered.”

“I swear to God, Spock, if you interrupt me one more time, there will be hell to pay.”

Spock straightened. “My apologies, Captain.”

“As I was saying, if there are elements of this particular mission that you find distasteful—not that Vulcans find anything distasteful, I know—I recommend, as your captain, that you stay on board the Enterprise, and do not take part in the landing party.”

Spock seemed to straighten more. “I am capable of performing optimally during this mission.”

“I know that. But it also isn’t necessary for both of us to be in the landing party as you so often point out to me. Since it does not require me to cover certain physical aspects of myself, it makes sense that I be the one to go down to the planet.”

His bondmate hesitated. “That is true.”

Jim smiled. “You’re agreeing with me?”

“I acknowledge what you say seems to be logical.”

“That’s a start anyway. But?”

“You know it is my preference to accompany you on any away missions.”

“I really don’t need a bodyguard.”

“You do indeed. That is why security accompanies you.”

Jim sighed. “Okay, I don’t need a _Vulcan_ bodyguard. I’m perfectly able to take care of myself which I have definitely proved by now.” He frowned at Spock. “What? I haven’t?”

Spock sniffed. “I would not say that. You are very capable as a captain and your fighting skills as a human are adequate.”

“But?” he prodded.

“Trouble finds you everywhere.”

He folded his arms in front of his chest. “That’s it. You are _so_ staying on the ship. Trouble does _not_ find me everywhere. As you will soon see since this will be an easy mission with nothing that will go wrong.”

“I hope that is true, Captain.”

“It will be,” Jim assured him. “All right, I’m taking Bones and Chekov. You have the con.”

****

“Fuck me,” Jim said as he fired back at a group of planet dwellers who had attacked them. He was crouched down behind a large boulder, Bones next to him. Behind another boulder near to them were Chekov and a security guard. “Where’d they get phasers, Bones? They’re supposed to be primitive.”

“How the hell should I know? You’re the one who told me they were innocent, naïve village folk.”

“Well, that’s what Starfleet led me to believe. Grrr. Fuck. I told Spock I wouldn’t get into trouble.”

Bones snorted. “Like the hobgoblin believed that.”

“Bones.” He fired at a villager who fired back, narrowly missing his arm. “Shit. We’re totally outnumbered here.”

“Why don’t you get on that communicator and have your first officer beam us the hell up?” Bones asked.

“Cause then he’ll know I got into trouble.”

“Jim, you’re a real pain in my ass.” Bones fired. “You do know if you get captured, injured, or worse, Spock’s gonna know.”

“He doesn’t have to know,” Jim maintained stubbornly. “Look, we’re down here to survey the possibility of them becoming part of the Federation but I’d bet someone, I don’t know, the Klingons, got to them first.”

“You think?” Bones asked sarcastically. “I do _not_ want to be taken prisoner by Klingons or their allies because you can’t admit your husband is right.”

“Don’t be so dramatic.”

“Me? It’s you who’s the drama queen.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Okay, here’s what—”

“Drop your weapons,” someone said from behind them.

“Son of a bitch,” Bones muttered.

“You’re all coming with us.”

Jim sighed and dropped his phaser.

****

“Bones?”

No response. Jim gritted his teeth. He was chained to a wall in what looked like a primitive old dungeon. They’d removed his shirt to whip his back. Which had fucking hurt like hell, by the way. Also chained to the wall in his cell was Bones. He could see into the next cell to see Chekov and the security officer, Jenkins. They’d all been stripped to the waist and whipped. Jim figured for pleasure since none of them had been asked any questions.

“Bones?”

“I’m not talking to you.”

“Look, I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

Jim sighed and licked his dry chapped lips. “You okay?”

“What part of I’m not talking to you didn’t you understand?”

“Bones.”

Bones grunted. “I just got whipped, what do you think?”

“I’ve got good news and bad news.”

Bones looked at him. “What’s the good?”

“I got the keys of the guy who locked us in here. Picked his pocket.”

“I guess your juvenile delinquency paid off,” Bones said dryly. “The bad?”

“I haven’t finished with the good yet.”

“I’m listening.”

“I can get my hand out of this metal cuff, so I can get us all loose.”

“Okay, so now, the bad?”

Jim grimaced. “I’m gonna have to dislocate my wrist to do it.”

“Jim—”

Jim snapped around and dislocated his wrist, slipping his hand out of the cuff. “Oh, Jesus. That hurts every fucking time.” The pain nearly blinded him for a whole minute.

“How are you going to get the keys with your wrist like that?” Bones whispered furiously.

He exhaled slowly. “Not my first time, Bones.” He leaned against the wall and snapped his wrist back into place with a pop. “Fuck, that hurts. Jesus.”

“Do I even wanna know?”

Jim shrugged. “Probably not.” He reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out the keys. First he undid the lock of his other cuff and then he got Bones out of his. “Now for the door and then we get Chekov and Jenkins.”

“And then?” Bones asked as Jim opened the door of their cell.

“We find the bozos who have our communicators, bring ‘em down and then beam back on board the ship. Easy peasy.”

“Oh, sure. Easy.”

“We also totally scratch this place off our list of planets for shore leave, too.”

Bones snorted. And Jim went to the other cell to let out Chekov and Jenkins while Bones kept watch.

“You guys all right?”

“Aye, Keptin.”

“Yes, sir.”

“All right, let’s go.”

They ran down the corridor until they came to a room where they could hear voices. Jim stopped them with a slash of his arm and peered inside. There were natives, including the ones that captured them but he also saw two Klingons. A total of six men in the room including the two Klingons. Jim figured he could take at least two of them but that would still leave four for the three with him. Bones was a great doctor but he’d never been much of a fighter. Chekov was strong. He knew that from when he’d prevented him and Scotty from falling to their deaths on the Enterprise. And Jenkins could handle himself.

“We’re going in,” he whispered. “Be ready.”

Bones opened his mouth to protest but before he could say anything Jim and Jenkins were already rushing in followed closely by Chekov and Bones.

They had the element of surprise on their side and Jim managed to neck chop the nearest Klingon to bring him to his knees, then he knocked him down completely. Jenkins took care of the second Klingon and grabbed that one’s phaser. Jim kneed one of the natives in the stomach and then reached for a phaser he saw on a side table. Looked like his own phaser, so he grabbed it. He stunned the native he’s just kneed and then swung around just as another was coming for Bones.

When they were all knocked out or stunned, Jim found their shirts, which they all put on, and their phasers and communicators. He flipped his open. “Kirk to Enterprise, four to beam up.”

Spock was waiting for them in the transporter room when they rematerialized. He arched his brow. “Trouble, Captain?”

“Trouble? What makes you think so?”

“You are bleeding for one. As are Dr. McCoy, Mr. Chekov and Mr. Jenkins.”

“Oh, that. Wasn’t really trouble. Exactly.”

“It was not?”

“Minor skirmish. Oh, and that planet is overrun with Klingons so I don’t think it will be joining the Federation any time soon.”

“Klingons?” Spock asked sharply. “You were assaulted by Klingons?”

“No, actually, I assaulted them. We were assaulted by natives.”

“Right,” Bones said. “There was a bit of whipping. And we were chained to a wall in the dungeon. And Jim here had to dislocate his wrist. But, trouble? No trouble.”

“I see.” Spock’s eyes narrowed.

“Geez, thanks, Bones. You’re all dismissed,” Jim told the men. When they were left alone in the transporter room, Jim smiled at Spock. “It will all be in my report, Mr. Spock.”

“I look forward to that, Captain.”

“So.” Jim exhaled. “I was thinking a shower might be in order. I feel a little like crap.”

“You are injured, perhaps you should be going to medbay.”

“Not badly.”

“The doctor said you had been whipped.”

“He has a big mouth.”

“Jim—”

“It’s nothing, Spock. Just minor stuff. You can take care of it in our quarters. Please? I just want to spend some time with you.”

Spock relaxed slightly. “Very well. But if I deem your injuries serious we are going to medbay.”

“Yes, dear.”

      


	55. A Message From New Vulcan

Jim woke up to find Spock watching him. Not an altogether new experience of course, but there was a certain anxiousness in his dark eyes. Jim licked his dry lips and tried to clear his sleep fogged mind.

“Hey.”

“I did not mean to disturb your sleep, T’hy’la.”

“Nah, it’s all right. Is something wrong?”

“I have some breakfast for you as well as your preferred caffeinated beverage. If you wish to shower first, I will keep them for you.”

Jim sat up. “Now you’re freaking me out, Spock. What is it?”

Spock put his hand on Jim’s bare leg. Jim felt him pushing calm and comfort through their contact. But all it did was irritate Jim. He pushed down on his impatience.

“Spock, I love you more than anything or anyone in this whole fucking universe, but seriously, just fucking tell me what’s going on.”

So much for pushing aside his impatience.

“I did seek to ease the information in at a sedate pace.”

“Spock.”

“I have been contacted by my father on New Vulcan,” Spock said carefully.

Jim nodded. “Is he unwell?”

“No, his health is not in question.”

The way he’d said that. The way he’d emphasized the _his_ just a bit, stilled the breath in Jim’s chest. He clenched his fists. “No.”

“Jim—”

He stood up and walked away from Spock. Started pacing the room. “No, Spock. No.”

“Ashayam, the ambassador—my counterpart—is not well.”

“I said no.”

Spock nodded. “I am aware. But saying otherwise does not change the outcome, my T’hy’la.”

Jim stopped pacing and closed his eyes, pain slicing through him. “Is he gone?”

“No, but he is quite ill. He has requested that you come. It has already been cleared through Starfleet. They have approved whatever time is needed.”

Jim opened his eyes and saw that Spock was holding out his two fingers for Jim. He bit his lip and then walked to Spock and touched his fingers to Spock’s.

“I’m not ready for this.”

“I know,” Spock said softly.

Jim shook his head. “I’ll never be ready to watch a Spock die.”

“I know that as well. I have already had the bridge lay in a course for New Vulcan. We are headed there at warp six.”

“How long will it take?”

“A few hours. You should stay here while you wait,” Spock said. “As I said before I have breakfast ready for you.”

“I’m not sure I can eat.”

“Jim, I would ask that you try to keep your strength up while you are stressed.”

He sighed. “You know I can’t refuse anything you ask.”

“I reciprocate the sentiment.”

Spock held out his hand and when Jim put his hand in Spock’s, Spock drew him over to the table where he’d set a plate of scrambled eggs, some bacon and potatoes. Next to it was a cup of coffee fixed just the way Jim liked it. Jim could not deny he liked the way Spock took care of him.

Jim sat before the food and reached for the coffee first. “I’d really hoped I wouldn’t have to face this.”

“You hoped my counterpart would outlive you?” Spock sat across from him and held his own cup of tea in front of him.

“I like to think of you living to a really, really old age and so I thought if he did, then you probably would as well.”

“He is not young by human standards. He is quite elderly. There are Vulcans who live longer but they do not have the human DNA.”

“To taint them you mean.”

Spock shook his head. “I do not. If you will recall I also am half-human and I have chosen a human mate.”

Jim smiled a little. “Well, technically your mind chose me.”

Spock’s eyebrow lifted. “And that is different how?”

“Never mind. I really don’t want to get into the you wouldn’t have chosen me if it wasn’t for your brain being horny for my brain argument again.”

“I am gratified to hear it.”

“I just…I don’t want you to ever die.”

Spock exhaled slowly. “Every living thing has a limited life cycle, T’hy’la. By wishing me to live forever you wish me to be alone for a great many years. Even by wanting me to live to be very old you are wishing me to have a very lonely existence.”

“But you could—”

“No, I could not. You are all there is for me, Jim. Once your life cycle has ended, I will be alone. It would be unfair to anyone else to seek solace with them knowing they would never be as you are to me.”

Jim sighed. It was impossible to argue with a stubborn Vulcan.

_Yes, it is._

_Spock._

_Jim. Eat._

****

He was shaking as he stepped into the transporter room. He tried to will it away but it would not cease. Not until Spock gently placed his hand on the back of Jim’s neck. His calming touch stopped the shaking, at least for the moment.

He’d requested Bones to accompany him to New Vulcan as well as Spock. They’d decided to forgo uniforms while on New Vulcan since they wouldn’t be on duty. Scotty had been left in command.

Jim had changed into jeans, a dark blue buttoned down shirt, and a leather jacket Spock had bought for him last year. Spock had opted to wear his Vulcan robes as he had anticipated his father and the ambassador would be similarly attired.

Bones came into the transporter room dressed in jeans and a plaid shirt and carrying a small personal bag. They hadn’t been sure how long they’d be there, so they’d prepared to stay a few days.

“Thanks for coming with me, Bones.” Jim patted his arm.

“Sure thing, kid. Might be nice to get off this stuffy ship and into some fresh air for a few days.”

“The atmosphere on New Vulcan is remarkably similar to Vulcan, doctor. Given your delicate human nature you may find it just as stuffy as the ship,” Spock remarked as they stepped onto the transporter pads.

“Did your hobgoblin just call me delicate?” Bones asked Jim, scowling.

“It is a biological fact that humans are not as strong as Vulcans.”

“Oh, stuff it, Spock.”

Jim smiled at their banter, which he thought might be for his benefit, but he knew it wasn’t a full smile. He could not stop thinking about Spock. Old Spock. And try as he might, he just couldn’t feel anything but sorrow.

They were met by two severe looking Vulcans. Not that Jim expected anything less. Most Vulcans looked severe to him. After the usual greetings, they were led into a building where they met Sarek.

Sarek held his hand up in the Ta’al. “Spock, James, Dr. McCoy.” After they reciprocated the gesture, he said, “I will take you to him.”

“Is he in a hospital or some other sort of health facility?” Bones asked.

“No. He requested to remain in his personal dwelling until the end. That request was granted.”

They walked to the ambassador’s dwelling. Sarek had indicated it wasn’t far but it seemed to take forever to Jim and with the heavy atmosphere he was hot, sweaty and exhausted by the time Sarek said it was not much farther.

Spock brushed his fingers across Jim’s hand. “You are uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, it’s hot.”

“We should have had Dr. McCoy give you something to combat the heat and atmosphere.”

“I’ll be fine, Spock. “

“I do not want it to add to your distress, Ashayam.”

“I know, sweetie, but I’m okay. Really.”

Spock nodded but he did not look very happy. Well happy for a Vulcan. Gack, Jim was getting a headache. And then Spock’s fingers were brushing his hand again and the pain of the headache eased. Definitely a win scenario for the bond.

“There is his dwelling,” Sarek announced as they came up to a row of small homes. He pointed to one in the middle. He paused as they were almost to the door. “James, I feel it is necessary to warn you that he looks much changed from when you saw him on Starbase 5.”

Jim nodded, swallowed the lump in his throat. “You mean he looks sick.”

Sarek inclined his head. “Yes. Come, he is waiting.” 


	56. Be Not Afraid

It was stupid to be afraid to go into Spock’s private room. He’d been told that it was where the old Spock waited to see him. His own Spock, together with his father-in-law and Bones remained in the main room of the house. Sarek had offered to make them all tea. Jim had agreed to the tea, but had advised he would be out for it after he’d had a chance to see the ambassador.

He tapped lightly on the door, not wanting to wake the old Vulcan if he were sleeping.

“Enter.”

Jim closed his eyes. He could do this. He would do this. Turning the knob, he opened the door and stepped inside the dimly lit room.

“Spock?” he asked softly.

“Here, Jim.”

The old Vulcan was propped up on the bed, several fat pillows behind him. He was dressed in a brown robe and blankets covered him up to about mid-chest.

Jim forced a smile. “Hey.” He approached the bed and sat on the edge beside Spock. “How are you feeling?”

“I am fatigued.”

He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. “Can I get anything for you?”

“Not at present. I am gratified to see you, old friend.”

“I’m really glad to be here.” He reached for Spock’s hand and was glad when the old Vulcan’s hand wrapped around his. “So, um, I-I guess I’m not really sure what to say.”

“It is difficult to know what to say when one is faced with death.”

“Maybe you-you aren’t really. You know.”

“Dying?” Spock’s voice was soft.

Jim’s heart clenched. “Yeah.”

“You know as well as anyone that death leaves no one behind.”

“Maybe. But that doesn’t mean it has to be now. For you.”

“It is time,” Spock answered. “I have been too long without my T’hy’la.”

“You miss him a lot. I can’t blame you. I’d go insane without Spock.”

“Losing Jim was indeed one of the hardest things I have ever had to face,” Spock acknowledged.

“I wish there was a way we could send you back there. To him. When he was still alive.”

“I wish that too, Ashaya. There is no way.”

“Are you certain?”

“I have resigned myself to this, Jim. You must do the same.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t want to.”

“Jim—”

“I know I have to, Spock. But that doesn’t change not wanting to. I never want to accept that you’re gonna die.” Jim squeezed Spock’s hand. “I want you to fight it.”

“I am old.”

“Vulcans live a long time.”

“I am half-human.” The old Vulcan coughed as though to prove a point.

Jim grimaced. “You should rest.”

Spock shook his head. “There will be plenty of time for that soon enough.”

His chest tightened, ached. Tears threatened, but he desperately pushed those away. “Can you have tea?”

“Yes.”

“Sarek is making some. I’ll bring you a cup.”

“Very well. Jim, when you come back, there is a request I would like to make of you.”

Jim didn’t move. “What? What request?”

“A mind meld.”

He kept his face blank, a trick he’d learned from Spock. His Spock. Instead of answering, Jim licked his lips. “I’ll be back with the tea.”

His Spock looked up from his own cup of tea the moment Jim stepped out of the bedroom. Spock was alone.

“Where are your dad and Bones?”

“My father asked the doctor to look in on a female in the early stages of pregnancy. It was nearby. They will return shortly.” Spock set his tea down and stepped over to Jim. He held up two fingers which Jim met.

“I’m going to bring him tea,” Jim said.

“Your emotions are in turmoil.”

“You have no idea. God, I’m kind of a mess.”

“Perhaps this is too much, T’hy’la.”

“If he can handle this, so can I.” He leaned against Spock and Spock wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close. “He wants to meld.”

Spock stiffened. “No.”

“Spock, come on.”

His mate pulled away and he was glaring. Spock was glaring. Jim blinked.

“You are emotionally compromised. A meld under those circumstances would be too dangerous for you.”

“He’s emotionally compromised too.”

“All the more reason he should not be asking you for this. You are both emotionally compromised. You experienced the discomfort of emotional transference before. You were traumatized.”

Jim reached his hand up to smooth Spock’s bangs. “I love you. More than anything. But I have to do this. For him.”

“You told me you wanted no other Spock in your mind besides me,” Spock continued stubbornly.

“And that’s still true. This isn’t about me, Spock. It’s about him. If he needs this, I feel like I have to do this.”

“I do not like this.”

“I know.”

“At all.”

“Spock, if you somehow ran across another Jim, another me, wouldn’t you want to be there for him? Wouldn’t you want to help him?”

Spock closed his eyes and turned away. “As you wish, Ashayam.”

Jim sighed. “It’ll be all right.” He went to get a cup of tea. “You’ll be right outside.”

He opened the door and went back into the old Vulcan’s room.

“Everything all right, Jim?”

“Sure. Sarek and Bones went to see a woman nearby, so it’s just me and Spock now.”

“I see.”

Jim brought him the tea but he could see how dull those familiar dark eyes looked, so he just set the cup down on the table beside him and sat next to him on the bed.

“I’m ready,” he said softly.

The ambassador nodded and his hand rose to Jim’s face. Jim couldn’t help but flinch and the old Vulcan cracked a smile. “Be not afraid, Jim. I would rather cut off my own arm than harm you.”

He swallowed heavily. He forced the tears away and nodded. “I’m ready,” he said again.

Fingers spread over his meld points and Jim was lost.

Grief…such grief. And unbearable loneliness. It was staggering. Jim felt the sting of the tears in his eyes before they poured down his cheeks. Pain, such excruciating pain, he caught his breath.

_This is what I feel, Jim._

_Oh, my God. I’m sorry. So sorry._

_It is time._

_Yes. I-I see. It’s dark, twisted, poisoned._

_That is my disease._

_Spock—_

_It is all right, Ashayam. I have lived a long life. Too long without my own Jim. I am tired._

_I know. I feel it. I feel your weariness._

_You and Spock, you will be well. I wish to know that I leave you happy._

_I’m happy. Happier than I’ve ever been._

_I am gratified._

And then the old Vulcan’s mind was gone from his and the old wrinkled hand slipped from his face. Jim stared at Spock and saw that his dark eyes were dull and lifeless.

He leaned forward and placed a kiss on the Ambassador’s forehead, then he gently closed his eyelids.

Jim lay his head down on Spock’s chest, letting the tears soak the robe he’d worn.

He didn’t know how long he stayed like that before he felt a gentle touch on his back. Jim closed his eyes.

“Hey.”

“I grieve with thee,” his Spock said. Then he pulled Jim up and into his arms.

“It happened so fast,” Jim whispered. “I thought we’d be here a few days.”

“Perhaps he only waited for you.” Spock’s hand rested on the crown of Jim’s head.

Jim frowned when he felt Spock probing his mind. “What are you doing?”

Spock hesitated. “I wanted to be sure you are well…mentally.”

“What do you mean?”

“I wanted to be certain he did not give you his katra.”

Jim pulled back to search Spock’s gaze. “His katra? Why would he give me that?”

“Sometimes Vulcans do.” Spock shook his head. “It would be harmful to you. He did not.”

“He said he would not harm me. I felt nothing from him but love.”

“That is good to hear. But you are quite distressed, T’hy’la.”

Jim rested his head on Spock’s shoulder. “He was so lonely, Spock. Such pain.”

“From the disease?”

“There was that, yes, but most of the pain came from missing his Jim. He felt so much. I never knew.”

“I did,” Spock said softly. “I feel the same.”

“At least-at least he doesn’t feel that way anymore. He’s at peace at last.”

“Yes. Come, Ashayam. We must notify those who would care for his body.”

Jim allowed Spock to lead him from the room.


	57. Proof of Life

“Where is Lieutenant Michaels?” Spock asked Jim when he found him alone on the observation deck. Of course he had expected this.

“I sent her away.”

“Was that wise?”

Jim shrugged. “I didn’t want to listen to what she had to say today.” He had not turned to look at Spock. Just continued to stand stiffly, his hands clenched behind his back in a perfect imitation of Spock himself.

“If you do not at least make an effort Dr. McCoy—”

“It’s one day, Spock. It can hardly be said that I’m not making an effort.” Jim sighed and finally turned to look at Spock. He saw the turbulence in his blue eyes. “Besides, I’ve done all the psych stuff Bones insisted on.”

“You have been especially quiet since the death of my counterpart,” Spock said softly. “It is not like you to refrain from vocalization.”

“Maybe I just find the sound of my own voice tedious.”

“Jim.”

Jim sighed. “I’m okay, Spock. I’m just—I miss him. And hell, I know that sounds crazy.”

“It does not. He was your friend. It is completely understandable.”

“See, back when you and Uhura were still together and I was dying inside—”

“Ashayam—”

Jim laughed. “I know…too much dramatics. Back when I loved you and you were with her, fuck, you were even going to _bond_ with her, Spock, he was like having you with me almost. It wasn’t the same, obviously. There was nothing romantic between us. But whenever I couldn’t watch her stand on her tiptoes to give you yet another kiss in front of me, I’d go to my quarters and I’d comm the Ambassador and he’d appear on my terminal with his wisdom and his smile for me and I could breathe again.”

Spock reached for Jim’s hand and was gratified when Jim allowed the contact, even curved his fingers around Spock’s palm.

“For months talking to him and playing chess with him was all that kept me together,” Jim explained. “And he helped me when the bearded Spock attacked me.” He closed his eyes. “I know. I know you wanted me to go to you. I’m sorry I didn’t.”

“I do not wish to distress you, Jim. I know you had a special relationship with him and it is illogical to feel jealousy.”

“Yet you do.”

Spock inclined his head. “Yes.”

Jim smiled and squeezed Spock’s hand. “You have nothing to fear, Spock. There is no one, not ever, I want besides you. If a hundred Spocks walked in right now I would choose you.”

Spock felt his lips twitch. “That would be a sight.”

“It totally would.”

“Though I admit I would rather be the lone Spock amongst one hundred Jims.”

“Hey!” Jim moved closer, and put his free hand on the back of Spock’s neck. “I miss him a lot. And I know all that crap about death being inevitable and we all have to face it. I’ve faced it plenty of times. Doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck though.”

“It does indeed…suck.”

Jim smiled, which was the effect Spock desired. “You’re full of surprises. Now, instead of admonishing me for getting rid of the shrink lady—”

“I did not admonish you.”

His mate rolled his eyes. “You kind of did. The point is, how about we go back to our quarters, get naked and have hot shower sex?”

“That does sound like an improved suggestion over what I intended.”

Jim raised both eyebrows. “Which was?”

“A chess game in the rec room. After a meal in the mess.”

“We can get something to eat after you fuck me. I mean…after the shower.” Jim licked his lips. “And if you still have energy for chess, we can fuck on the desk.”

“Indeed?”

“Uh-huh.” Jim leaned forward and licked the tip of Spock’s ear. Spock shivered. “And if you still have energy for chess then, well we can play a game in our quarters.”

“Your plans do seem more agreeable,” Spock acknowledged.

“I’m the captain and strategy is my specialty, Mr. Spock. Didn’t you know that?”

“I am beginning to see that it is.”

“Then, shall we, Commander?”

“Yes, Captain.”

****

Jim closed his eyes as he stood under the full water spray of their shower. A luxury to be sure, but considering what he’d just been through—what they’d just been through—Jim decided they deserved it.

He bowed his head and let the water hit his neck and upper back muscles. Arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him against a warm, hairy chest.

“Mmm,” Jim said, without opening his eyes. “I was beginning to wonder if you were going to show up.”

“I am still uncertain what last one in is a rotten egg means,” Spock murmured against the nape of his neck.

Jim laughed. “Well, um, it’s a silly human thing.”

“That much I had guessed.”

“Um, well eggs that have gone rotten stink,” Jim said, tilting his neck to the side to allow Spock better access. Spock had begun to nibble.

“Affirmative.”

“Fuck,” Jim breathed. “No one wants to stink.”

“Your words are nonsensical.” Spock turned Jim in his arms to face him and he covered Jim’s lips with his, tracing the fat bottom lip with his tongue.

“Yeah who cares about eggs, rotten or otherwise?” And really, what the hell was he talking about when Spock had his arms all over him. “Want you, inside me.”

“I.” Kiss. “Am.” Kiss. “Very.” Kiss. “Amenable to that.”

Spock lifted him like he weighed nothing and pushed him into the shower wall, legs off the floor and wrapped around Spock’s waist. He could feel Spock’s erection pressed against him and Jim felt like his brain might short circuit.

He reached blindly behind him for the bottle of lube they kept on a shower shelf. Spock growled low in his throat causing Jim’s dick to leap in anticipation.

“God, you’re driving me crazy.”

Spock snatched the bottle of lube out of Jim’s hand just as his fingers went to close around it.

“You are too slow, Ashaya,” Spock murmured.

“And your lips should be kissing me instead of talking,” Jim said. He cupped Spock’s jaw and brought their mouths together, hard, thoroughly, fusing them together until they might have been one.

Below, Jim felt a long, slicked finger slip between his cheeks and enter him, pushing past the tight ring of muscle. He closed his eyes, letting the feel of Spock, of everything he did with his hands, his mouth, his mind to Jim, take over until there was nothing but Spock.

Another finger pushed inside him, another thread connected in their minds…Spock there inside him, surrounding him, keeping him safe and loved.

Jim tore his mouth from Spock’s when he could no longer breathe. “Please. Please.”

“What is it you beg for, T’hy’la?”

“You…only you. Always. Forever.”

Spock growled and removed his fingers to shove his cock into Jim, slamming him into the tile wall, roughly, savagely. “Mine.”

“Yes, yours. Fucking yours.”

Jim grabbed fistfuls of Spock’s hair, tugging him down until their mouths met again, in a clash of teeth, tongues, lips. He felt Spock probing his mind, searching for those pleasure points Jim loved so much. Jim’s mind met his, drew him closer, led Spock where he needed to be.

“Jim,” Spock whispered, sounding a little surprised but also joyful.

He wrapped his legs tighter around Spock’s waist and rutted against him, clenching, pushing, pulling. They were one.

“Spock,” Jim gasped when his release raced up his spine and back again, tightening his balls, blowing his mind as intense pleasure flowed through his head and his body…his dick…his limbs. Too much.

Spock pounded him, rode him, thrust into him hard and fierce until he followed Jim’s release, emptying himself inside his lover.

They were both spent, exhausted, breathing short and heavy puffs against each other’s skin. But Spock did not let Jim slip out of arm. He simply set him down gently until his feet had purchase on the floor of the shower.

When they had finished washing, without needing to exchange any words, they stepped out of the shower and dried each other off before returning to the main room of their quarters.

Jim made to move to his dresser where his clothes were, but Spock stopped him with an arm around his waist.

“Hey.”

Spock put his lips to Jim’s ear. “You spoke of sexual activity on your desk.”

Jim shivered. “I’m gonna be really sore tomorrow, aren’t I?” He grinned and after a soft kiss on Spock’s lips, moved toward the desk.


	58. Tribble Trouble

“Is that a tribble on my bridge, Uhura?” Jim demanded shortly after he stepped onto the bridge with Spock. He stared down at her console, a furry little pest displayed there. She stroked it lightly and it was purring.

“Yes, Captain.”

He wrinkled his nose. “You do know those things are born pregnant, right?”

Uhura shrugged. “Well, I know, Jim, but look at him.” She picked the tribble up and set it in the palm of her hand and lifted him up to just inches from Jim’s face. It cooed loudly. “Isn't he just the sweetest thing?”

Spock came to stand next to Jim. “Humans do seem to be afflicted with a peculiar liking for these creatures, Captain.”

Jim scowled. “Where’d you get him anyway? That’s not the one Bones revived with Khan’s blood is it?”

She rolled her eyes. “No, that one is long gone. I picked him up when we were at the space station. There was a guy selling them there. Cyrano something or other.”

“Selling them?” Jim watched as Spock picked up the one Uhura had been holding. “You mean there are other crewmembers who brought these rodents on board?”

“They are not from the rodent family, Captain,” Spock said.

Jim rolled his eyes. “Same thing.”

“Likely there was, Captain,” Uhura said. “He was selling quite a number of them.”

“That’s great and with them being born pregnant my damn ship is gonna be overrun with rodents.”

“Tribbles are not —”

“I know, Spock.” Jim stared at Spock’s hand lightly stroking the purring fluff ball. “Uh, Spock?”

“Captain?”

“I think maybe Vulcans are afflicted with a peculiar liking for tribbles, too.” Jim looked pointedly at Spock’s hand.

Spock’s spine stiffened and he looked down at the tribble he was petting. He practically threw it on Uhura’s console and turned to go to his station without another word.

Jim grinned and then turned back to Uhura. “It’s fine that you like furry things, Lieutenant, but not on my bridge, okay?”

“Aye, Captain.”

“And if my ship gets overrun by them I’m holding you responsible.”

“Me?” Uhura squeaked.

“Yep. Captain’s prerogative.” Jim went to his chair and was about to sit down when he spotted a tribble hiding in the corner of his chair. A goddamn tribble in his chair! “Lieutenant Uhura!”

She walked up from her station still holding her tribble. “Captain?”

“Get this thing out of my chair.”

Uhura looked like she might laugh but she scooped up the tribble. Then Jim noticed one on the console in front of Chekov. The Ensign was petting it.

“Okay, that’s it. Every single tribble that’s on my bridge I want off, Uhura.”

“But I didn’t—”

“Off. Now.” Jim sat in his chair, shaking his head while he watched her stalk away gathering furry little balls from everywhere.

“Scott to the Bridge.”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose. Spock had come up to stand beside him and now looked down at him.

“Headache?”

“Uh-huh. Kirk here, Scotty.”

“Captain, we have a problem.”

“Oh, great. What?”

“There are reports the replicators are tainted.”

“Tainted?”

Scott cleared his throat. “Tribbles, sir. They’ve gotten into the machinery.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”

“Captain.” Spock’s tone was a clear reprimand that Jim chose to ignore.

“How did that happen?” he demanded.

“Well, one of the lads came back from the space station with three of the little buggers,” Scotty said. “And well, you know how they are, Captain.”

“Get them the hell out of there. Kirk out.” He rubbed his temples and became aware that Spock was attempting to project serenity into their bond.

_Fuck serenity, Spock. I’m not in the mood._

_Jim._

_I know. I’m sorry. Just…let me have my moment._

“Uhura, notify Starfleet we’re headed back to the space station. We’re going to need to replenish supplies, not to mention get rid of those tribbles.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Chekov, lay in a course.”

“Aye, Keptin.”

****

Jim and Spock entered the transporter room, ready to beam down to the space station. Jim noticed the tribbles all over the pads as soon as he walked in.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me.”

“Captain, we did discuss how you were going to calm down.”

Jim clenched his jaw. “I’m calm, Spock.” He smiled. “See how calm I am.”

Spock cleared his throat but said nothing as Jim hit the comm on the wall. “Uhura.”

“Captain?”

“There are tribbles in the transporter room.”

“Are there?”

“Yes. Quite a number of them. Would you like to get your tribble cleaning crew over here to clean them up?”

“Captain, you can’t honestly think I am responsible for every tribble on this ship. I purchased one,” Uhura protested.

“I don’t think you are. But I have now put you in charge of cleaning up the ship. Recruit whoever you need. The more the merrier. Kirk out.” He turned to Spock. “See, calm, Mr. Spock.”

“You forget that I can sense you are not at all calm through our bond,” Spock said quietly.

He was tempted to stick his tongue out at Spock, but refrained. He went up to the transporter pad and picked up the two tribbles that had taken up residence there. They immediately purred and vibrated their contentment.

“I can sort of see their appeal,” Jim grumbled, as he set them down on the floor off the transporter. He watched as Spock moved three more of them.

“They are somewhat soothing,” Spock agreed.

“Energize,” Kirk told the transporter operator.      
 


	59. Klingon Trouble

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can't resist one of my favorite episodes

“Captain Kirk!” The head of the space station, Commander Lurry hurried over to Jim as soon as they appeared. “I’m glad to see you’ve come back to deal with this problem personally.”

Jim frowned. “Problem? What problem?”

“The Klingons!”

Spock stiffened next to him. “There are Klingons here?”

Lurry looked at Spock as though he thought him an idiot. “Yes! They arrived right after your ship left. They said their ship was damaged and needed repairs. I contacted the Federation and they told me there’s some kind of temporary truce and I have to accept them here.”

“Unless they are causing trouble, Commander, there—”

“Of course they are causing trouble, Captain. They are Klingons. They’ve taken over the officer’s club. We can’t keep them out of there.”

Jim exchanged a look with Spock. “Well, what do you expect us to do about it, Mr. Lurry? We came back to the space station for supplies and repairs ourselves. Thanks to someone you had here on the station, my ship is overrun with tribbles.”

“Don’t blame me for Cyrano Jones, Captain Kirk. He’s been a pest on the space station for weeks. If you can get him to leave, I’ll be in your debt.”

“Cyrano Jones is not my responsibility, Commander. Nor are the Klingons.” Jim looked at Spock. “Shall we?”

“Captain Kirk,” Lurry protested. “You can’t just go about your business and ignore my problems.”

Jim smiled. “Actually, Mr. Lurry, I can.”

Spock waited until they were out of earshot from Commander Lurry, before inquiring, “Are you really not going to assist him with the problem of the Klingons?”

“You think I should?”

“It depends on if they offer the Enterprise any issues,” Spock said carefully.

“We’re supposed to be in a truce, what would they do?” Jim shook his head. “I know, don’t trust the Klingons.”

Spock inclined his head. “Perhaps some security presence would not be unwise.”

“Don’t they have their own?”

“From my observation it is inefficient.”

Jim sighed. “Fine. Two guards. And that’s it.” He flipped open his communicator. “Kirk to Enterprise.”

“Aye, Captain?” Mr. Scott asked.

“Hey, Scotty, can you arrange to have a couple of security guards come down here?”

“Expecting trouble?”

“I guess the Klingons are here and—”

“Bloody pests,” Scotty muttered.

“Anyway, we think a couple of guards couldn’t hurt.”

“Yes, Captain.” There was a pause. “Say, Captain?”

Jim exchanged a look with Spock. “Yeah?”

“Some of us could use a little relaxation time. And since we’re gonna be here a couple of days anyway—”

“Ah, gotcha. I think it’s fine, Scotty. But no more than like ten at a time for a couple of hours each shift. We have to keep things in line, maintain discipline.”

“Aye, Captain. Scott out.”

Jim shook his head, and noticed Spock was eying him with his usual eyebrow raised. “What?”

They continued walking down the corridor.

“I wondered when you had become so enamored of discipline. I find it fascinating.”

“I’ve learned a thing or two over these last few years.”

Spock nodded. “That I am aware of. We both have.”

Jim stopped suddenly, grimaced.

“What?”

“I was gonna suggest we go to the café but standing in front of the entrance is a reporter.”

“You know her?” Spock asked, glancing at the tall, thin brunette.

“Relax, I don’t know her like that.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed. “That had not occurred to me.”

“Oh.”

“Until now.”

“Well, that’s why I said what I said.” Jim sighed. “I didn’t sleep with her or anything. Just after the whole Nero thing, when I first got promoted, I met her in a bar.”

“And that did not include sleeping with her?”

“No,” Jim snapped. “Geez. I was a slut but not that much of one.”

Spock merely looked at him.

“The point is she asked me all kinds of noisy questions. I’d finally had enough and left. She posted this article that wasn’t exactly flattering to any of us.”

“Perhaps we should go back the way we came,” Spock suggested.

“Yeah, good idea. We can eat later.”

But they had barely turned around when they heard running feet behind them.

“Captain Kirk, Commander Spock, wait?”

“Let’s pretend we can’t hear her.”

“Captain.”

Jim sighed, stopped and turned around. “How are you, Ms. Daniels?”

Elizabeth Daniels smiled at him, then at Spock. “I’m so glad I caught you two. I had heard you were here.”

“News travels fast,” Jim murmured.

“It does indeed. Commander Spock, I’m Elizabeth Daniels. I’m already acquainted with your Captain.”

“Ms. Daniels,” Spock said, inclining his head.

“Please, call me Elizabeth. Why don’t you two join me in the café? My treat. That is where you were headed, wasn’t it?”

Jim glanced at Spock, hoping his first office would come up with an excuse. To his irritation, Spock simply started to walk toward the café. Jim followed, noting Elizabeth’s triumphant smile.

Once they were seated at a table, she turned to her PADD.

“Do you mind if I record you?”

“Yeah, I do, actually,” Jim said. “No recordings. I told you that last time.”

She smiled. “I remember but I was hoping you’d changed your mind after all this time.”

“I haven’t.”

“Ah, well. What brings you to the station? Or should I say again? My information is you were here and turned around and came back. Forget something?”

“You are remarkably well-informed,” Spock commented.

“I have my sources. Speaking of, everyone wants to know about the two of you.”

“Who is everyone?” Spock wanted to know.

Elizabeth smiled and fluttered her lashes. “My readership. Which just happens to be all of Earth, of course.”

Doubtful, Jim thought.

“You are a thing, right?”

Jim smiled back at her, his fakest smile. “If you mean are we together, then yes.”

“Yes. What my readers want to know is when you’re going to make it official.”

“It is official,” Spock replied.

“You got married?” she exclaimed.

“We are bonded in the ways of Vulcans.”

“Oh, that,” Elizabeth said dismissively. “No, married. Like an Earth ceremony.”

“We don’t feel that’s necessary,” Jim spoke up. “Since our bond is recognized by the Federation as the equivalent.”

“Well, it is not really the same, is it?”

“It is preferable,” Spock said.

“Preferable?” she asked doubtfully.

“It is obvious you have not studied—”

Jim cleared his throat. “The point is, Ms. Daniels—”

“Elizabeth.”

“Ms. Daniels. Spock and I are quite satisfied with what we have. It suits us fine. We don’t need to make a spectacle for the public.”

“All right, if you feel that way about it. But if you ever change your mind, I want an exclusive on all the wedding details.” She turned to Spock. “So, Mr. Spock, you don’t find sleeping with your superior officer problematic?”

Spock blinked. Looked past her to Jim.

“Ms. Daniels—”

She turned to Jim. “What about you, Captain? Was it appropriate to seduce your subordinate?”

Jim narrowed his eyes.

She laughed. “I’m kidding! God, you should see your faces. Isn’t that the kind of questions you expected I’d ask.” She waved her hand. “What I want to know is about your missions. How many times did you think you were going to die? And for that matter, Captain, was it hard to order Mr. Spock to do away missions knowing you might be sending your lover—basically your husband—into danger.”

Before Jim could formulate a response, Elizabeth had turned back to Spock.

“Is it true you lost it when your Captain died? He did die, didn’t he? Was he your lover even then? While you were still dating Nyota Uhura?”

Jim was pretty certain his bondmate was about to reach over and nerve-pinch her, which even though she might deserve it, he couldn’t allow.

His communicator beeped, interrupting whatever else she was about to say. He flipped it open. “Kirk here.”

“Urgent message from Commander Lurry, sir,” Lieutenant Elders said. “He requests you meet him in his office on the station right away.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant. Kirk out.” Jim scooted out of the booth and Spock immediately followed him. “Duty calls, Ms. Daniels.”

When they were out of earshot, Spock said, “A most unpleasant individual.”

“I tried to warn you.”

Spock nodded. “Indeed.”

Lurry was bright red and fuming when they reached him. “Captain, your men engaged in combat with the Klingons in the officer's club! I want those Klingons gone now. If you get rid of them, I won’t press charges against your men.”

“Press charges?”

“Your men were at fault, Captain.”

****

Jim paced in front of Scott, Sulu, and eight other men, which included the two security guards that had been sent down to the Space Station. Spock stood quietly to the side.

“Okay, give it to me.”

No one said a word.

“I want to know which one of you started it.”

He stopped in front of one of the men. “Jose?”

“No, sir.”

“Martins, was it you?”

“Never, Captain.”

Jim sighed, glared at Sulu, but Sulu just stared straight ahead.

“Fine, you’re all dismissed and you’re restricted to your quarters until further notice.”

They all started to file out of the room.

“Scotty, you stay here,” Jim ordered.

When the doors reclosed, Jim turned to Scotty. “All right, Scotty, who threw the first punch?”

“Me, Captain.”

Jim glanced at Spock in surprise, then back to Scotty. “Why?”

“Well, the Klingons were insulting us.”

“Okay, but—”

“I know we’re big enough to take a bit of ribbing, Captain. I told that to Sulu when they were ragging on us. He wanted to start something right away. I told him no.”

Jim nodded. “But then?”

“They said stuff about you and Mr. Spock, Captain.”

“Stuff?”

Scotty shifted uncomfortably. “About your relationship. Who bottomed, who topped, whether—”

Jim cleared his throat. “I got it. And so you hit them?”

“Nope.”

“Nope?”

Scotty smiled. “I know you two don’t care what anyone says about you.”

Jim nodded. “That’s true.”

“It was when they insulted the Enterprise.”

“The-the Enterprise?”

Scotty nodded. “You understand why I had to hit them, then, don’t you, Captain?”

Jim smiled. “Sure, Scotty. Dismissed. But um, you’re confined to quarters until further notice also.”

“Yes, Captain.”

When Scotty left, Jim turned to Spock. “The Enterprise.”

“He does have a great affection for the ship, Captain.”

“True. All right, Spock, let’s get the Klingons out of here and ourselves, too. I’m sick of this space station.”

“Indeed.”

****

“Everything back to normal?” Jim asked from his captain’s chair. They’d just left the space station and Scotty, who had been released from his quarters, came to give his report.

“Aye, Captain. Replicators are back online. Engines are perfect.”

Jim smiled and nodded. “Excellent.” He looked around the bridge. “Uhura?”

She stood up and came to his chair. “Sir?”

“I don’t see any tribbles.”

She grinned. “Nope, all gone, Captain.”

“ _All_?”

“Yep. Taken care of. We—”

“No, no. I don’t care what you did with them. As long as they’re off my ship.”

Uhura nodded. “Yes, sir.”

“Mr. Sulu?”

“Captain?”

“Take us out of orbit.”


	60. The End of the Five Year Mission

“This is our last session together,” Lisa Michaels announced to Jim as she stood next to him in the observation deck.

Jim smiled a little. “I know.”

“It doesn’t have to be though. In fact, I’ve put in to be on the Enterprise when it goes out on its next five year mission.”

He glanced at her. “Have you?”

She nodded. “I like it here. I like the people, the exploration, my patients.” Lisa smiled. “Even you, Captain.”

Jim chuckled. “I see. Well, I’m pretty sure the captain has to approve the roster.”

“Yes, but I know you will,” Lisa said. “You’re a good captain. Very thoughtful.”

“What do you intend to do during the six months we’re on planet?” Jim wondered.

“I’m going to teach psychology at the academy.”

He nodded. “Good choice.”

“And you, Captain?”

Jim shrugged. “I don’t really know.”

“Think you’ll ever wanna talk about Tarsus, Jim?”

“Think you’ll ever stop asking?”

She smiled. “No. Is that your answer then?”

He turned to walk out of the observation room. “Maybe someday, Lisa.”

Jim went straight from his session with Lisa to the medbay to see Bones. His friend was waiting for him in his office and he’d already poured two glasses of bourbon.

“Session over?”

“Yep.” Jim plopped down in the chair in front of his friend’s desk and picked up his drink. “I can’t believe this.”

“Believe what?”

“We’re done. We’re headed back to Earth. It’s over.”

Bones gave him a sympathetic smile. “It does seem weird. Seems like yesterday I was grumbling about five years in space.”

“Well, you’re always grumbling about something.”

“Watch it, kid.”

“I’m not a kid anymore.” Jim sighed. “At least I didn’t manage to get myself killed…again.”

Bones held up his glass. “I’ll drink to that.”

Jim took a drink too.

“Where’s your hobgoblin?”

“Labs. Making sure everything’s in order before we reach Earth.”

“You’re too sad, Jim. You accomplished a lot in these five years. You have a lot to be proud of,” Bones said.

“I know you’re right. It’s just it’s never gonna be the same, you know? Not the same crew, the same circumstances.”

Bones frowned. “I heard most of the crew wants to be reassigned to the Enterprise.”

“Most of them, yeah. But not all. And there are those we lost.”

“We’ll always remember them, Jim, but we can’t dwell on that.”

“Yeah.” Jim sighed. “I remember five years ago after everything with Khan, we finally got the mission. I loved Spock and he was with Uhura. I definitely wouldn’t want to go back to that.”

“None of us would,” Bones assured him. “Six months off and back out again. It’ll be good to go home for a bit. See my kid.”

Jim smiled. “It will. I wanna meet her, too.”

“I’d really like that. What are you and the pointy eared bastard gonna do?”

“They want Spock to teach I guess. Not sure if he will or not. He says it depends on me.”

“On you?”

“I’ve been sort of thinking about going to the old farmhouse, maybe doing some renovations, repairs. Something. I don’t know. It hasn’t been lived in for years.”

“And Spock doesn’t want to take the academy job if you’re gonna be in Iowa.”

“Yeah, he doesn’t like the idea of us being separated, even temporarily. I don’t know, maybe we can do both.”

Bones nodded. “I’m kind of surprised they don’t want the great James T. Kirk teaching.”

“Who said they didn’t? They’ve asked.”

“You said no?”

“Not yet. Haven’t given my answer.”

“Don’t wanna teach?”

He shrugged. “Kind of tired.”

“That doesn’t sound like the Jim I know.”

Jim took the last swallow of bourbon and stood. “We’ll see. Gonna go find Spock.”

****

“That’s the last of them,” Jim said to Spock as they were about to disembark from the Enterprise.

Spock moved closer to Jim, offering him comfort with his presence. Their bond lit up brightly.

Jim smiled. “I’ll be okay, t’hy’la.”

“The six months will pass before you know it,” Spock said.

“And then we’ll be boldly going once more?” His gaze searched Spock’s for reassurance.

“Indeed.”

“I hope so.” He laughed.

“It will.” Spock studied him, his dark eyes soft and warm. “My father has requested we make a visit to New Vulcan at some point during our leave, Jim.”

“Okay, that’s no problem.” He went into Spock’s arms and Spock wrapped Jim in an embrace. They were alone so there was no one Spock needed to feel uncomfortable around.

“Have you decided what you wish to do, ashayam?”

He nodded. “I’m gonna take the teaching position.”

Spock tilted his head back with a finger on his chin. “You are certain?”

“Yeah, I am.”

“And the farmhouse?”

“I’ve decided to sell it,” Jim told him. “Why do I want to renovate it anyway? There’s nothing but bad memories there. For me anyway.”

“I wish for you to be sure this is what you want.”

“It is, Spock. Maybe someone else can have a good life there.”

“But it is your home.”

Jim shook his head, smiled, and kissed Spock full on the lips. “Nah. My home is with you. Always.”              

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a wrap on Going Boldly. Thanks for reading.  
> 


End file.
